Dont know what to do.....

[MisterTinkles]

Ah....the worm turns!!!!

Yes, I need some advice this time!!



Ok, Ive been at my current job for a bit over 3 years now. There is this guy there who started right after I did. We were always friendly towards each other, so its not like we never knew each other before we became friends.


Anyway, in January 2010 my mother died and I had to take care of it all alone, with no help from anybody in my family. Seeing as I live from paycheck to paycheck, it was difficult for me to come up with the money to be getting back and forth (she lived 700 miles away). Not to mention paying off her huge storage bill and having to clean this huge monster of a storage unit out by myself and having to haul what I could, back to my tiny apartment until I could sell it.

Ok, Im getting off track...Brian (the guy I work with) offered to help me unload the truck when I got home. So I called him before I hit Dallas and he helped me move the heavy stuff off the truck. The next weekend he drove me around to the pawn shops to see what I could get for some of her old money, jewelry and what nots. (my truck was in the shop)

After that, we just started doing stuff almost every weekend.....bars, clubs, movies....

Brian has tunnel vision, as far as his life is concerned. Everything is "black and white", and everything outside of his tunnel vision, he just doesnt "get".

We are VERY different personalities. Aside from going to the bars sometimes, and like some of the same kinds of movies and going out to eat....he doesnt want to do anything I like to do.
Its all about what he wants to do.

Granted, he usually pays for dinner when we go out to eat, but to me, thats being in a "rut".
He is a nice guy, but he gets very annoying sometimes.

In March 2012, I got a new phone. I upgraded from a blackberry style phone to an android style phone, which works very differenlty from the blackberry style phone. I had problems figuring out how to use some of it.

Brian usually comes into my cube on his break, flops down on the desk and starts yacking away. I work with my headphones on...so when he comes in I take them off. Well, on the day, he came in and flopped down on the desk. He asked me what was wrong (I guess I had that "look" on my face), so I started telling him what was wrong. After I got the first few words out of my mouth, he bolted out of my cubicle. So, I put on my headphones and went back to work.

After about a minute of me going back to work, I hear a male voice yelling behind me, I turn around and Brian is stomping off down the isle. I turned to the woman across the isle from me and asked what the hell was wrong, and she said he was talking to me and I wasnt saying anything. I told her he ran out of my cubicle, so I went back to work. She just shrugged.

Later on that day, I went to break with the woman across the isle from me. When we got back from break, I turned my phone on, and there were like 10 texts from Brian...stuff like "Why the hell arent you answering me", "If you dont answer me, we arent friends anymore", "fine, we arent friends", etc...

I texted him back I wasnt feeling good that day (I was on a medication program that fucked me up sometimes). He texted back "Whos this". We didnt speak after that.

My old phone notified me when I got a call, text, or page. This new phone only notified me when I had a phone call when it was in "off" mode. I had to physically turn on the phone to see if I had any texts or emails.

About October of 2012 he started saying "Hi" to me in the halls. I said "Hi" back. Then little tokens started ending up on my desk about once a week. Stuff I use at work or at home...nothing "big". The woman across the isle from me at work said he was trying to apologize. I said whats wrong with coming up to me and saying "Im sorry".

This went on for a while.

Some time in November I got a text from him "Cant we just pretend it didnt happen and start over"? I texted him back "You were the one that said you never wanted to speak to me again". And didnt hear from him for a couple of weeks.

Since then, he's been coming over to my desk and flopping down, like nothing happened.
All I ever wanted was an "Im sorry". No tokens on my desk, no guilt trips, just a simple apology.

Anyway, he still has yet to apologize, but we have gone out to eat a couple times lately.
Last weekend, we talked about all of this. He said he didnt run out of my cubicle, the woman across from me wanted to talk to him (so why didnt he say so at the time?), and then when he came back over, I was ignoring him. I wasnt ignoring him, I thought he ran off, so I put my headphones back on and went back to work. He said he stood there for about 3 minutes and I ignored him. I asked him WHY didnt you tap me on the shoulder or something???? I dont have eyes in the back of my head. He had some lame excuse...so lame I dont even remember what it was. Anyway, he said that pissed him off so he left. And then later on he tried to text me and I wasnt answering. I told him I had just got that android phone and it didnt notify me on texts like the blackberry phone did, and he knew that.

Anyway, he has his side, and I have mine. I even apoligized, but I never got one from him.

He also never wants to do anything I want to do...its all about what HE wants to do. Regardless of him paying for dinner when we go out, I want to do stuff with someone else too. Stuff I like to do...but he wont even hear of it. IF we ever go anyplace I want to go, I have to make concessions for it.

He's a nice guy, but he complains for hours when I suggest we go do something I want to do.
And we end up doing what he wants to do. Its always been like this.


Here are my problems:

I dont make friends easily. All my close friends have moved away to other states.

Should I continue with this friendship?

If so, how do I go about convincing Brian how its unfair to only do what he wants to do all the time, and to try something I want to do?

How do you get a complainer to stop complaining about EVERYTHING?

Apparently Brian doesnt make friends easily either, since he went through all that "token" stuff and then acted like nothing happened, to get me back as a friend.

I thought things would have changed, but he's back in the same old habits.
Ive done all I can do to explain all this to him (many, many, many times over), but he just looks at me with a blank stare. And apparently me taking the "high road" and just letting go the fact that he had this pycho episode and never apologized go, hasnt made an impression on him.

My brain hurts.

[Blue]

It sounds to me like you two really have nothing in common and, totally different views of the world. I don't see anything to build a friendship on aside from working at the same place. Were it me, i would let him go and, find a new friend whenever that friend came along.

[Beau]

He does sound a little clingy. He might make a decent friend but I'd be worried about a serious relationship.

[Bowyn Aerrow]

I fail to see how any of this is friendship. Not very friendly.

Personally I would take the hint and never speak to him again.

[Geminize]

Friends are valuable, especially if you have a hard time making them. To take care of myself, I would limit my time with Brian. It seems he is not going to change his focus on himself and what he wants to do, so only get together with him when you're cool with that: dinner, bars, movies, whatever. If you spend time with him every weekend, I don't know how you''l avoid feeling resentful.

[pellaz]

the one thing you got in common is you both wanted to be each others friend.

[HomeagainNYC]

You have said that your friendship started in the wake of a difficult time that you had gone through alone early in 2010, after you lost your mother.

Having had to face the situation of loosing your mother and all that came with it, it must have felt wonderful to be gaining a new friend – in Brian. How soon did you start to notice that Brian only sees thing in black and white? Once you "got" how he processed things – how did that make you feel? I may be wrong but it appears that Brian set the agenda right from the start. It also stands to reason that you were vulnerable at that moment in your life and you might have not really registered too strongly on these traits of Brian’s.

As you described Brian did not act very mature over the misunderstanding at your cubical – if someone asks you what is wrong and you are willing to tell them then you should have their undivided attention. Short of the women in the other cubical being on fire, Brian should have waited until you were finished, and responded to you before darting off. That’s what friends do.

It appear that Brian is used to getting his own way – by not admitting to any fault he does not have to take any responsibility for his actions. There is his black and white viewpoint.

When he started to leave you little gifts under the circumstances you described it appears to be a sign of - a passive aggressive behavior – actually, everything you have described about Brian appears to be passive aggressive.

I guess the question is - are you willing to put up with his behavior so that you have someone to hang out with? It’s clear that Brian is not open to getting your message as to what you need from a friendship. Is that acceptable to you?

The only person you are capable of changing is yourself. As you have said you have explained over and over and all you get is a blank stare. There is the action and the reaction. You took the high road in the cubical episode and it did not make an impression - he did not apologize. There is the action and the reaction.

Only you know where you limits are and how much you will tolerate - Brian seems to have learned that - no action or reaction - on his part will eventually get him what he wants; that is what he seems intent on, getting what he wants.

Perhaps you might change things up a bit and level with Brian that if he wants to keep your friendship things are going to have to change. Maybe you need to set some ground rules and stick with them – such as you both take alternate times in deciding where you go; if he start complaining at or before the venue you have chosen make it clear to him that you will go alone or cancel. Then follow through. You might also want to even out the paying for dinner issue. If you don’t have much cash – where you select for dinner need not be fancy or expensive. If Brian chooses a fancy or expensive restaurant – that's his call, if he is paying.

Your words will probably have little effect on Brian but you actions will definitely get his attention. Based on your ground rules let his behavior towards you dictate how you will treat him if you decide to go forwards.

Best of luck.

'Knowledge is realizing that the street is one-way, wisdom is looking both directions anyway'

[MisterTinkles]

Your words will probably have little effect on Brian but you actions will definitely get his attention. Based on your ground rules let his behavior towards you dictate how you will treat him if you decide to go forwards.

[/B][/I]

Yes, Ive been wondering if I shouldnt set some ground rules, but then again, he would just complain.

I've tried talking to him about this, even asked him WHY he wants to be friends, and all I get is a blank stare or a subject change.

I think I will try the ground rules before I make up my mind on anything else.


Thanks every body!