Verbally Abusive =(

[Rawr]

It's unfortunate that you fought so hard to be with him, only for this to be the final result. Perhaps the reason you fought so hard is the reason you don't want it to end. It would be unfair to go through so much only for it to fail. But unfortunately, that is the reality here.

From our perspective this relationship is no good, and to continue with it would not be the best for you emotionally. As Dfiant pointed out, you may be wasting your time on the wrong guy, and due to that, miss meeting 'Mr Right'. I know it's tough, but I think you should sit down and really think things over. How much you care about your boyfriend and decide if he really is the one for you. The one you'll spend the rest of your life with. Could you imagine putting up with the way he treats you for another few decades?

If you're really set on sticking it out, then the best advice I can give is to talk to him. You need to tell him how you feel and tell him that a few things need to change. If he tries to turn it on you then use that as an example. Even the words "If we don't work things out then I don't think this is going to work anymore" could be a useful thing to say. If he truly loves you, then he may be willing to change. If he isn't willing to change, then he doesn't deserve you, and I'm sorry, but I don't think it's going to work.

I hope this helps...

[princealbertofb]

The fact is you've got to forgive yourself for making so much effort to land the wrong man, if that's how you feel about it now. You're entitled to make mistakes, we all do and that's how we learn. You're now realising that you've maybe idealised the relationship. It's not healthy, either, to expect people to be what they are not. If your partner can change, well then he'd better do it soon, but it does sound as if he's an inveterate (chronic, compulsive) abuser, it's ingrained and no matter how hard you try to curb his natural instincts, he's just got the wrong attitude. Please take a good look at your own personal mental and physical health and don't apologise for living and being alive. You have a right to be respected. If you're not getting it, it's probably best just to flee before your life is even more ruined. There'll be someone down the road who'll be better suited. You'll eventually figure it out.

[lawdddvoldemort]

I understand that I painted this relationship as HORRIBLE but I do have to admit there are the good times. I am getting fed up and there were times that I was ready to leave (had everything packed and ready to go) but I'm way too forgiving.

[Varanus]

Lets start out by saying unfortunately everyone is not equal, no one person is the same to the next so how is that equal?
Having been apart of an abusive relationship and taking part in the abusing (two separate relationships) I can see both sides of the spectrum.
Abuse is abuse regardless and is often blind sighted by love.
There is often something more physical going on down below the surface of the abuser than one often seems to care about, there's generally a lot of hurt, anger and betrayal hiding somewhere down there and it just needs to be poked at to finally see what's actually going on.
Also relationships are often formed on the basis of how one has seen relationships in the past so for example how your parents where in their relationship and if one generally comes from an abusive home and hasn't seen anything other than physical or verbal abuse its generally portrayed onto their current relationship.
I was blind sighted by love and let him abuse me for months until i took a stand and had my own voice this surprised him to see me actually act back and i walked out never to look back again.
Its often hard to not feel with your heart but sometimes when our brains are telling us to do one thing and our heart another we must make a choice, and ask ourselves do we really want to be feeling this way for the rest of our lives or do we want to be happy and how can i fix this issue.

[princealbertofb]

So forgiving yourself for making the wrong choice. The fact that you are airing these ideas now on a board like this may mean that you're reaching the end of your patience with this. Once the tether gnawed through, nothing will retain you. You're free to wander off and change lives. Good luck. mile:

[Blue]

First you cannot now and never will change him so, forget that idea, he is how he is and that's that.

Second, he's got you pushed so far into a hole of thinking you are powerless, have to take it that you can't even see a ladder to climb out. That's going to make getting out of there really hard and, scary.

You can come up with a million reasons to stay form personal to emotional to financial - forget them all. Yes, you heard me forget them all. Sure it's going to be hard as hell and, terrifying to get out but, do you really want to live like you are, to end up even less of a person that he has already made you? Do you want to be a doormat and emotional and verbal punching bag the rest of your life?

Of course not. SO now a short term scary, painful, difficult road now, or that ^^ for life? The choice is yours. Bad now but fantastic in the long run or bad for good? Your call and, when you do make that call, get support, get counseling, stop trying to please anyone but yourself.

Be you and, be the best you that you can be. No it isn't easy to build a good life from nothing and, it's scary stepping out there saying "this is me, take it or leave it, I will not cow tow or be anyone's doormat or punching bag." You know that presents the possibility of being alone for the rest of your life, not so good but, and here's the kicker - that isn't going to happen - you will find a good man, or he will find you, you'll find each other.

When that happens, you will look back and wonder what in the hell you were thinking even trying to make the mess you are in now work, how you let yourself get that far lost, that brow beaten, and how you ever thought there was anything good or right about it.

As much as you don't want to hear it, that is NOT love, it's a very twisted, sick sadist (him) and unwilling masochists (you) being co-dependant and, making you into what amounts to a sub human torture toy for him.

Yes that's hard to hear, it hurts, you want to scream at me "No, liar, you have it wrong.!" Go ahead but, deep down you know I'm right. So get mad at me then use that angry energy to get out and heal the damage he has done to you.

[HomeagainNYC]

Since you have told us what you don't want to hear; try answering some of these question for yourself and see what you do hear. It might help you find your answer.

Was he this way during the 7 years you fought to be with him? If he wasn’t then what changed and why? If he was then you didn’t go in blind and you knew what you were getting into – either way you have arrived at a crossroads.

Do you stay and take his abuse – do you pull him up short and say what you mean and mean what you say about respect and love – or do you walk away?

The word love means different things to different people – I don’t think your definition and his are the same - do you?

If someone exploits your emotions – just because they can – is that the type of person you want to spend your life with OR should you stand up for yourself - draw your boundaries and let the chips fall where they may?

I agree with you when you say “in a relationship no one should have the upper hand” – however having the upper hand in your own personal life is your divine right. Should you use that right to take back your life OR should you give that right away to him so he may continue to exploit and abuse you?

If you answered these questions honestly to yourself - what did you hear?

Good Luck - I really wish you all the best.

[MisterTinkles]

Unfortunately I have known WAAAAYYYY to many people who have husbands/wives/boyfriends/girlfriends who are like this.

Yes, I would say "dump his ass", but that would only incite you more to find even MORE reasons to stay with him, so I wont tell you to do that.

You state you are EXTREMELY sensative. If you are willing to put up with this stuff, apparently you arent that sensative, otherwise you would have kicked him to the curb by now.


Instead of telling you what I think you should do, how about we just look at some of the psychology behind this personality type. And no, Im not any kind of therapist or "shrink"....I AM an observer of human nature, and Ive had people coming to me (not of my own asking, mind you) over the years to tell me thier woes and help them find solutions. So, thats what Im going to focus on.

Ok, first we have to find the basis of WHY the BF is like this.
Did he have a violent childhood?
Is he from a broken home?
Were his parents mean and horrible people?
Was he bullied relentlessly in school?

There has to be some kind of catalyst in his life to have made him put up this "force field" of protection.
And yes, he is protecting himself....from what, I can only guess. Love? Affection? Relationships?

You also state that he is younger than you. Well, what is "younger" to you? Is he still in HIgh School? Is he only a year younger?

Next we have to look at what is in his life right now. Does he work fulltime? If he does, does he like his job?
If he is in college, does he like college? Does he get good grades or bad grades? Is he hazed and harassed at college?

Depending on what the answers are to these questions, this will help determine what his personality is, what his behavior pattern is, and what mental state he could be in at this point.



If you are interested in this, you can respond to this post or you can send me a private message if you prefer.

Sometimes its just getting them to actually realize how they are towards people, and sometimes its just a defensive mechanism. And even other times, its just what they were raised around.

You first have to figure out WHO he is by looking at his current and past ways. Only then, will you have the knowledge to go forward and try to figure out how to deal with this and possibly help him out.

[bobi117]

It's so hard for us to find people that truly connect with. When you've worked hard to find that person or get them it can be very discouraging when things don't work out the way you think they should. So I totally agree that you just can't walk away. My suggestion: have a discussion with your BF and let him know how you feel. If it doesn't change, I would find an opportunity to step away for a few days. Go spend some time with yourself to think things through and see how you feel. He might realize how much he misses you our you might miss him enough to want to stay with him. I know you have worked hard to get him, but I also know that being with someone who doesn't honor, love and respect you isn't worth it.

[Rainbowmum]

I am not going to say leave him , but I will say stop being his doormat.

He is abusive ,egocentric and mean , from my experience , I can tell you one thing verbal abuse and berating leaves a far greater hole in your confidence than a slap or punch would.

Get yourself into some therapy , stop being his doormat and try loving yourself.