live cam sites and fake IDs

[john2013]

Hello.
I have been (and stil am) in a relationship for over an year and few months. My man accepted me as I am: a little bit possessive. When we decided to go exclusive I told him I would appreciate if he will delete his profiles from everywhere as I did too. He agreed. Then I asked him to do a cleaning in his messenger, phone and emails. Well, this part was a little bit hard because he told me that having some yahoo ID from different persons does not mean that he will cheat on me. I think this was one of my mistakes, but he accepted and did as i asked.
We are great together, but most of the time we are apart because some miles are in between. Not so many because I visit him every month and we are skypeing every single day, sms, phone. Of course, fights existed but we never took a pause and the silent treatment never existed.

Few weeks ago, I reinstalled his operating system. I accidentally discovered that he has another yahoo ID. That would not be a problem, but almost every single ID was related to sex&stuff. I told him and asked him without making a scene. At first he did not recognized but then he admit that it is his and told me that he feels the need to talk to other people over the internet, to chat. He knew I would not agree with that and that is why he decided not to tell me. I told him that I would agree because it is something normal to chat, but chat! Also I have told him my doubts regarding those yahoo ID related to sex. He assured me that he only chats and promised me that he just chats.
My next mistake was to scan his yahoo ID and find that after we go sleep, he logs into that yahoo id (on invisible). More than this, he has created an account on a live cams site, which we agreed at first not to visit ever.
After few weeks, I told him that I am not comfortable to know that he is lieying me/hiding from me by telling me that he goes to sleep but in fact he ”chats” on messenger and told him about the live cams site account. He said that it is not right to follow him. He admitted that he does that, but everything is just chat, except the live cams site, where he watches and do things without showing himself on cam. I do believe him, because he hates showing himself on cam naked.

I told him that I do not accept him visiting a live cams site and jerking while he watches cams. I may seem old fashioned but I do not accept this in a relationship. When I was single I did visit a live cams site and did the same, but in a relationship I do not see the point.
What would my problem be? I really do not know since everything related to a live cams site and fake yahoo Ids are bothering me.
We exchanged passwords to our regular yahoo ID, but the recent one he created is only his. But since he offered me his first password telling me that he has no secrets, can I ask him to do the same with the new one created recently?
I really need more arguments to tell him why a live cams site is no good because creates addiction.
Sometimes I feel I need a lobotomy... am I crazy?
Please, share your thoughts with me. I really need some advice.

[princealbertofb]

I think you need to try to be a little less controlling and let him have a bit of a secret garden... However if you suspect that he is of the type of man who might cheat, just don't trust him completely to be faithful... I think it's easier to let a man be who he is than to try to change him... so it's best if you work out how much trust you can give him and how much liberty too.

[zeon]

Hello,
I would recommend maybe understanding that in this relationship you need to adhere to trust... If you was my partner i would be askingf if you are doing the cheating because your doing self reprojection and i think it isnt him whos got the problems here I think its you.. Being possessive isnt a good thingthe fact your partner is being honest is a good thing and if u aint careful he will go... My boyfriend goes on grindr, gaydar, and other sites and to be honest i use gaydar and we dont go through each others phones because we trust one another. We are not linked up as partners on any site because its no ones real business but to be honest i would like to say that maybe learn to take a few steps back because the more u control him the more your abusing him... His a partner not a possession

[Geminize]

First, you are not crazy. A bit too controlling, maybe. My experience with live cam sites is similar to yours. Once I had another man in my life, I lost interest in them. Your situation is different though, as you only see each other once a month. That has its own challenges.

More of a concern is outright lying. If you are completely closed to the idea of him visiting cam sites, then that is part of why he lied. Open a conversation where you can hear his needs and experience and he can hear yours. Be ready to compromise, unless you can't bear it.

There is a risk to those sites, however. Porn addiction can apparently change your brain chemistry. It can affect your dopamine production and make it difficult to have or maintain an erection. If this happens, it seems the only way to recover is total abstinence from porn for weeks or months. Your Brain on Porn If your man spends hours on that site, you have reason to be concerned.

[LateBloomer]

I would be concerned.

First of all, my definition of cheating is this: You're doing something that you wouldn't do if I were standing next to you or looking over your shoulder.

Secondly and fundamentally our relationships boil down to compatibility. The question isn't really, "Am I too controlling?" or "Why can't he stop camming?"

The question is: Are our values compatible?

If you need a partner with different values then you might have your answer.

[pellaz]

a year+ is a ways into a relationship.

you might ask him what he needs form you that he is not getting. What are his expectations in a relationship.

communications, respect, trust is a relationship. Missing one of these are you. At some point you will have to trust him to continue the relationship. What do you need form him so you can do that. How would he feel finding this stuff on your computer.

[Rainbowmum]

Hello John , Welcome.
I am going to be completely blunt with you here.

Loosen the reins , you are controlling his every movement , and I hate to say it , but you are also stalking him.
He lies because he is afraid of the way you will react , he signs in invisible , because he needs some alone time without you following him , or your demands.

he is a grown man , he can go to bed when he chooses or have time to himself without your permission.

Of course he needs to talk to other people, it only natural.

Time for you both to sit down and discuss not demand the borderlines of your relationship.

[Blue]

Wow, I'm glad I'm not trying to be your partner. Back off, if you are so distrusting, insecure and suspicious that you have to control even who he talks to online, you need help.

What did he do, cheat on you with 300 other men? Have an orgy in your shared bed? Seriously I cna't think of much else that would warrant that kind of control.

Why is it a problem if he wants to watch amateur porn (web cam) and jerk off? No different than looking at DVD or magazine. What does it matter if he chats with joe, jane, john, tim, kim whoever?

Do you even let him go to the bathroom by himself?

WAY too controlling. Figure out what your issues are and work on you instead of trying to put your partner in an isolation chamber.

[john2013]

princealbertofb: If his secret garden has no live cams trees and no sex yahoo ids then he can have it.

zeon: I am not doing any self reprojection because I do not look to another men, I am not looking to jerk with others or lie to him/hiding. Since my behaviour was 100% honest, I expect him to do so.

Geminize: Yeah, I know I am a bit too controling. That is what I hate in me. I am glad someone agrees with me regarding the live cams site. I will have the discussion you wrote me about. That is a good idea! Thanks!

LateBloomer: when we are together we like watching porn but we can not resist to watch it more than 5 minutes because our live ”movie” is more sexier than the video. He was the one who told me not to visit ever a live cam sites or cam-ing on Yahoo. I could watch porn movies but would not be aloud to watch or ”play” watching a live person. And I agreed and respect that.

pellaz: I will ask him!

Rainbowmum: Thank you for being blunt. You are right and wrong in the same time, since I have told him that we could talk anything, without making scenes as long as he comes with arguments and is prepared to liesten to me too.

Blue: Ok, but how would you feel when your partner told you that he jacks seldom because he can wait for you to be together next month? You once established some rules regarding live cam sites and real persons, then after once year you accidentally discover that he is hiding from you for 2 months? In this time he does everything he agreed not to do. Wouldnt you be a little bit worried? As I already wrote, stalking him was not the right idea but when I found out he lied, I wanted to see with my eyes if he can stop since he promised not to do it anymore. But he did! I stopped hunting him and told him what I did. You told me that watching and jerking to cams is no different than watching movies. He kinda said that too. I tend to kinda agree. BUT, I can not accept it. Everyone has his point of view, and mine is that in a relationship, virtual sex with other persons must not exist.

Since we both agree that live cams must be avoided, and virtual sex with other persons must not exist, and be both respect that, it concern me why he chose to do those instead of trying to tell me that he changed his mind regarding those. That is what I have to find.

[Blue]

Blue: Ok, but how would you feel when your partner told you that he jacks seldom because he can wait for you to be together next month? You once established some rules regarding live cam sites and real persons, then after once year you accidentally discover that he is hiding from you for 2 months? In this time he does everything he agreed not to do. Wouldnt you be a little bit worried? As I already wrote, stalking him was not the right idea but when I found out he lied, I wanted to see with my eyes if he can stop since he promised not to do it anymore. But he did! I stopped hunting him and told him what I did. You told me that watching and jerking to cams is no different than watching movies. He kinda said that too. I tend to kinda agree. BUT, I can not accept it. Everyone has his point of view, and mine is that in a relationship, virtual sex with other persons must not exist.

Since we both agree that live cams must be avoided, and virtual sex with other persons must not exist, and be both respect that, it concern me why he chose to do those instead of trying to tell me that he changed his mind regarding those. That is what I have to find.

First, my partner wouldn't hide anything like that from me. Second IF he did and I found out, No I would not worry about him, I'd worry about me. What did I do or failed to do to cause him to break an agreement we had made? (Not that such an agreement would exist to begin with.)

If it isn't me, then , I want to know what the problem is, why would he not be okay coming to me with what he needed and allowing us to work out a solution we were both satisfied with? Sure it could be past issues surfacing, just acting out but, then we should talk about it and, get at the root cause behind it then, work together to resolve that.