My son.

[Blue]

Don't avoid the gay at all, your son and his partner are openly gay. Just treat his partner as you would any son or daughter in law, he is soon to be your son in law.

Nothing wrong with saying thing to your son like "Ask your husband........"

As a gay man I don't want to be singled out for being gay, I just want to be treated the same as straights would treat other straights in the same situation and, have them respect my husband same as they would if I were a woman and he were straight and married to me.

[HomeagainNYC]

treat them just like you would your other son and his wife - should/when he gets married. Just be yourself; love and support them - the rest will work it's self out.

[Bowyn Aerrow]

Regardless of his sexuality and who he is going to, as mother you are in your right to not like the idea he is going so far from home. Its something that most mothers will have an issue with.

A little truth: As a gay man myself, if I had children I would secretly pray they were straight. Not because I have issues with homosexuality, but because as a gay man in a predominately straight world I know all too well the terrible things that LGBT receive at the hands of haters.

I think no parent wants their child to be hurt... And yes, being LGBT opens one up for a lot of hurt. I'm sorry that that is the way it is with our world, however things are changing and tolerance is growing.

Being gay isn't a problem, it doesn't hurt in and of itself. Yes we get treated badly, but being LGBT isn't painful at all. No more than being straight is painful.

Men tend to struggle more with the whole 'you're gay' issue than women. Its a combination of assumptions that gay=emasculation (males are pretty fond of their penises) and most men are raised to be out of touch with many of their emotions.

So its usually a longer road to acceptance for a straight father or straight brother to reach the point where they are ok with it in a person they love.

Yes there is a risk your husband may never come to fully accept the gay son, however if your husband has any amount of love for his son, he will come to tolerate it and accept it to a certain level.

Yes, your son is taking risks in his move - many of them. However those risks are offset with a very real chance he may find real happiness, love and all of the things he needs to be happy in life.

There is an organization for Family and Friends of LGBT, there are local chapters in the UK: http://www.pflag.co.uk/

Perhaps you should seek out a local chapter and get some real face to face friends with other parents who have 'been there, done that' and have real immediate support.

I think you will be amazed at how similar their stories are to yours, and the huge heaps of advice as to how to deal with lots of stuff.

I know there are a few members here on GaySpeak who are parents of LGBT children. I do hope you and they can have serious conversations.

I would say you are doing real great, you are doing the right things and seem to have a serious desire to right by your son. You are a good mother.

[concernedMum]

Thank you Blue, MissingNYC and Bowyn Aerrow.

I have never known another gay person before.
Our community, in general is quite homophobic, so when we found out about my son being gay, there were quite a number of awful incidents, sadly including my eldest son, and my husband.

The last 3 years have been spent building bridges.

I am constantly trying to get my husband to understand my son. But he is of the generation that see's homosexuals as promiscuous, dirty and overly feminine people.
I keep telling him to look at our son, and he will see it is simply not true.

I know my son has had a previous partner, and I did meet him once, but I think my awkwardness shown through, even if that was not my intention.

The last thing I want to do is offend anybody, and I really do not want my family to fall apart.

I really fear that my husband will disown my son.
If that happens, then I will lose my son.

[Geminize]

Welcome. It's great that you are supporting your son this way and seeking help yourself.

If your son has already grown stronger by meeting some of the challenges of being gay, and is ready to marry another man, it sounds as if the two of them are quite comfortable with their sexuality. I wouldn't avoid any topics in conversation. If you say something you think came out wrong, acknowledge that and laugh about it. Awkward silence is the last thing the three of you need.

As far as your husband and other son go... All I can suggest is you don't add to any tension and drama. Be matter-of-fact about your love and support for your son. You are his mother and you are entitled to be proud of him, even if you don't fully understand him.

I wish you the best of luck navigating these changes. By the way you write here, I suspect your son is, and will be, very proud of you as well.

[concernedMum]

Thank you Geminize.

Thank you to everybody for being so helpful and friendly.
It is very much appreciated.

[pellaz]

not lots of detail in your post but all good.

he has been dealing with his sexuality all his life, now you and your family has to catch up. Lots of youtube stuff out there that might be constructive. If you go to amazon.com for a text best to get something very recent; even in the last 5 years things have changed.

your gay son is still the same person he always was. He confided in you and your family so you can constructively continue to be involved in his live.

on a practical matter
again not lots of info in your post. I hope he dosnt feel trapped leaving his home and not being able to return if things go wrong. Gay relationships are no different than straight and all relationships are a big gamble they last a life time. If 50% of the marriages end in divorce than consider the 50% that continue. In that case the relationship lasts a life time.
-i hope your son is careful with his heart. He is able to accept defeat but at the same time works hard at the relationship and never considers anything but success.
-continue to be there for him... always.

[jimbopdxus]

Wow, all these great posts of advice! What more can I add?
First of all, what you are feeling is NORMAL! Every mother feels this way about a child "running away" from home. Gay or Straight. Just let him know you will ALWAYS be there for him. As for the brother and father, they will get over it.
Now, maybe he will be skipping of to another country. What is to say that they will not come skipping back home? Patience is a virtue and if he knows that you accept him unconditionally, the decision to come back home will be that much easier for him. As you both get older the ties to home will be powerful! Remember that NO-ONE can come between a boy and his mother!

[concernedMum]

Thank you Jimbopdxus.

Of course I am perfectly happy for my son, and as long as he is happy, then I am proud of him.
As I read these messages, I am feeling rather silly.
My intentions are to keep the family together.

Being gay should not be an issue, but unfortunately it is.

I think once I meet my son's partner, my mind will be put at ease, I suppose I want the best for my boy, and once he leaves the country I will have no way of offering my support.

It sounds crazy doesn't it.

[jimbopdxus]

Not crazy at all!!!
How do you think I felt when my kid came home and said "DAD, THIS IS THE GIRL I WILL MARRY!"
And now, how do you think I feel when they come and their little daughter hugs me and says, "Grampa, I love you!" THAT is amazing! Hopefully one day you will discover that same absolute JOY! Then you will realize that 'CRAZY' had nothing to do with it!