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[fenris]

Can I at least hope the diabeetus takes his penis first, that way he's a literal dickless troll?

hm ... his penis ... I don´t now .... wish him maybe that all his teeth fall out and just one stays inside his mouth and this one aches really heavy ?

[Genersis]

I'm surprised at how easily it is for many here to express their anger/rage.

I can't seem to manage expressing mine.... I envy those who can express these emotions...

I'm ever stuck in the mode of trying to be nice and make people happy, even when there is this huge sucking black hole in the middle of my chest.

So just so everyone knows where my mind ranges - not saying I'm going to do any of this - but I think it.

In truth, I have contemplated hunting him down and doing all manner of horrible things which are, I fear, exactly the type of person I can be when angered. I can be a very vengeful SOB... I actually hate that part of me.

Going there in my head hurts - a lot.


That is offset with periods of wanting to put my gun in my mouth and blow my own brains out.

I have a bullet here on my desk that I keep picking up and toying with... Um a couple days ago I put the muzzle in my mouth. The only thing that stopped me is I know how ugly that would be for Dan to find.

Yeah I know, not typically healthy behavior. But that is where I really am.

Also, I have decided to be an atheist. God is either an incredibly malicious and cruel Bastard, or He doesn't exist.

I can live easier just assuming He doesn't Exist.

One too many unanswered prayers. One too many assholes in my life. I can no longer accept there is a plan or a purpose. Its meaningless, directionless and pretty much petty and ugly.

This is not a broken heart thing, this is the devastation of the mind game, the whole horror of having a person purposefully put me back in the unsafe places I was in. His actions are no better than what those people did to me, same intent, no doubt to harm just to cause harm.

Bowyn, please don't do anything stupid, let alone permanent.
I'm not a great pep talker, I'll admit; but I can empathise with some of what you say regarding emotions and the conveying of such.
Look, I can't tell you everything's going to be fine and dandy, and that everything will be rainbows and lollipops after this; but it will, at the very least, get better eventually, hang in there.

Talking to people often helps; you don't need to share all your emotions and feelings, especially if it makes you feel uneasy, but just knowing other people are at least a little invested in your well-being as a person can at least lend one some strength.

There's also the option of distracting yourself from the issue, while not a permanent solution, will hopefully allow time to take the edge off the emotional pain, before tackling it.(I wouldn't normally suggest this...)

Don't lose hope Bowyn...
Please keep in touch.

[Counselor]

hm ... his penis ... I don´t now .... wish him maybe that all his teeth fall out and just one stays inside his mouth and this one aches really heavy ?

Both works just fine for me.

[Buffylo]

I'm surprised at how easily it is for many here to express their anger/rage.

I can't seem to manage expressing mine.... I envy those who can express these emotions...

I'm ever stuck in the mode of trying to be nice and make people happy, even when there is this huge sucking black hole in the middle of my chest.

So just so everyone knows where my mind ranges - not saying I'm going to do any of this - but I think it.

In truth, I have contemplated hunting him down and doing all manner of horrible things which are, I fear, exactly the type of person I can be when angered. I can be a very vengeful SOB... I actually hate that part of me.

Going there in my head hurts - a lot.


That is offset with periods of wanting to put my gun in my mouth and blow my own brains out.

I have a bullet here on my desk that I keep picking up and toying with... Um a couple days ago I put the muzzle in my mouth. The only thing that stopped me is I know how ugly that would be for Dan to find.

Yeah I know, not typically healthy behavior. But that is where I really am.

Also, I have decided to be an atheist. God is either an incredibly malicious and cruel Bastard, or He doesn't exist.

I can live easier just assuming He doesn't Exist.

One too many unanswered prayers. One too many assholes in my life. I can no longer accept there is a plan or a purpose. Its meaningless, directionless and pretty much petty and ugly.

This is not a broken heart thing, this is the devastation of the mind game, the whole horror of having a person purposefully put me back in the unsafe places I was in. His actions are no better than what those people did to me, same intent, no doubt to harm just to cause harm.

Well, fortunately for you, it stopped at mentally. No telling what could happen if you were kidnapped by this sick bastard....

As far as that bullet goes, don't waste it on yourself. If there is a wolf out in the pasture, you don't shoot all the sheep. You shoot the damn wolf. Maybe keep it in a special place in case he ever decides he wants to meet in person...

[ManicReptile21]

I'm surprised at how easily it is for many here to express their anger/rage.

I can't seem to manage expressing mine.... I envy those who can express these emotions...

I'm ever stuck in the mode of trying to be nice and make people happy, even when there is this huge sucking black hole in the middle of my chest.

So just so everyone knows where my mind ranges - not saying I'm going to do any of this - but I think it.

In truth, I have contemplated hunting him down and doing all manner of horrible things which are, I fear, exactly the type of person I can be when angered. I can be a very vengeful SOB... I actually hate that part of me.

Going there in my head hurts - a lot.


That is offset with periods of wanting to put my gun in my mouth and blow my own brains out.

I have a bullet here on my desk that I keep picking up and toying with... Um a couple days ago I put the muzzle in my mouth. The only thing that stopped me is I know how ugly that would be for Dan to find.

Yeah I know, not typically healthy behavior. But that is where I really am.

Also, I have decided to be an atheist. God is either an incredibly malicious and cruel Bastard, or He doesn't exist.

I can live easier just assuming He doesn't Exist.

One too many unanswered prayers. One too many assholes in my life. I can no longer accept there is a plan or a purpose. Its meaningless, directionless and pretty much petty and ugly.

This is not a broken heart thing, this is the devastation of the mind game, the whole horror of having a person purposefully put me back in the unsafe places I was in. His actions are no better than what those people did to me, same intent, no doubt to harm just to cause harm.

Ugh, I keep seeing this thread for the past few days and everytime I am equally disgusted by Blue. Now you said you have this bullet your fiddling with- DONT EVEN TRY. You aren't a coward like this Blue DOUCHE. You are being sooooo much stronger than anyone here on this thread right now. Don't cave in because a measly rat snuck away with some cheese. That rat is lactose intolerant and its going to die in the walls alone and quietly. Whereas you will live for years to come with people applauding your strength. You need to get rid of the bullet and toss those thoughts away. Your a lovely man and you know you deserve better than a LOSER like blue. I mean look at how far he's gone to hide himself away. deleteing all his accounts. turning off his phone. DRIVING ACROSS FUCKIN AMERICA. I MEAN WHO THE FUCK DOES THAT? He raised the bar on cowardice and i didnt even think that was possible. I know your heart is in pain. but please dont put a bullet through your head. You know as well as I that you dont want to die. You want to see how it plays out. You want to see the end of this coward's shenannigan. When the ending does come perhaps you'll get your chance to revel in his self destruction. I tell you that'll taste sweeter than death. that's for sure. besides.

Theres plenty of people that care about what you have to say and whats on your mind right here alone. i mean look how big its gotten. all eyes are on you. The stage is yours, show us what makes bowyn arrow a powerful icon amongst this sea of members in need of guidance. Your opinion and intellect matter here. this can be experiance for a generation to come. your pains may someday save someone in your position. because you will be the only person in the world that understands him/her. could you really take that away from mankind? your words may one day change someone's life. you're gonna shine bowyn. I know you are. <3 Please hold strong.

[bluefox4000]

I'm surprised at how easily it is for many here to express their anger/rage.

I can't seem to manage expressing mine.... I envy those who can express these emotions...

I'm ever stuck in the mode of trying to be nice and make people happy, even when there is this huge sucking black hole in the middle of my chest.

So just so everyone knows where my mind ranges - not saying I'm going to do any of this - but I think it.

In truth, I have contemplated hunting him down and doing all manner of horrible things which are, I fear, exactly the type of person I can be when angered. I can be a very vengeful SOB... I actually hate that part of me.




Going there in my head hurts - a lot.


That is offset with periods of wanting to put my gun in my mouth and blow my own brains out.

I have a bullet here on my desk that I keep picking up and toying with... Um a couple days ago I put the muzzle in my mouth. The only thing that stopped me is I know how ugly that would be for Dan to find.

Yeah I know, not typically healthy behavior. But that is where I really am.

Also, I have decided to be an atheist. God is either an incredibly malicious and cruel Bastard, or He doesn't exist.

I can live easier just assuming He doesn't Exist.

One too many unanswered prayers. One too many assholes in my life. I can no longer accept there is a plan or a purpose. Its meaningless, directionless and pretty much petty and ugly.

This is not a broken heart thing, this is the devastation of the mind game, the whole horror of having a person purposefully put me back in the unsafe places I was in. His actions are no better than what those people did to me, same intent, no doubt to harm just to cause harm.

I know I posted already. However as someone who was hurt myself and spent his teen years in a depression. I can tell you, whatever bad suicidal thoughts you may have.....DON'T ACT ON THEM.....please. If i would have. I'd have missed out on the wonderful turn my life made. Thoughts like these could be temporary....if not, keep talking. Just like you're doing. You have tons of ears here. Many I'm sure have been where you are. Myself included. So you just hang on. Your story has made me remember what it's like. And this PRICK is not worth dying over. So just.....remember. Mr. right is out there. As corny as I know that is...I know it's true.

Oh see how passionate ya got me.

Mick

[Bowyn Aerrow]

bluefox4000,

Hmmm. Mr. Right. I wish my problem was just relationship issues. But let's just go with that right now and assume that it is.

My Partners to date are not many, I admit, but lets lists those for a revue.

#1. My first, was actually pretty good to me, kind gentle, whatnot. But he got greedy and joined up with a friend of mine and went to rob a bar. The gun went off the bartender died...

#2. 11 months which ended with his beating the crap out of me followed by 3 months of stalking and a 'game' we played of tit and tat. That didn't end well.

#3. A nice fellow, unless you said no... then he took to slapping. ultimately he broke my heart and my arm. What makes it worse this one knew exactly what #2 did and promised he wouldn't ever do that, and would protect me.

4. Oh he never hit me. No but he was the one that showed me how to inject speed into the vein and turned me on to other interesting, self destructive behaviors.

So I switched my type of men, I figured tall, strong dominate men were the problem, so I went for the exact opposite.

5. Was a bitch. Emotionally and verbally abusive.

6. 14 years of my life invested, to find out that the last 12 years of that was his sleeping around with oh at least 120 men.

7. I don't know, do we include Blue as a 'partner'? You all have a fair idea how that went.

Mr. Right... Does such a beasty exist? Thus far I haven't found him, and I'm now 46 soon to be 47 and I don't see much chances of finding so much as a decent man let alone 'Mr. Right'.

Again, my problem is far deeper. It also includes having my ancient childhood suddenly ripped out of the past, polished up and dropped on me.

I told Blue things about my family, he purposefully tried to convince me that he had been kidnapped by those people. He used old names from the long past and had me believing the cult was closing back in on me.

THAT has me still terrified and jumpy, that has be paranoid and wondering if I'm talking to real people or members of my family or another 'family'.

The nightmares are back, the flashbacks are back, the nightly screams in my sleep are back. Trust, what little I had has been shattered.

The horrors are back - even if I am 100% safe I don't feel at all safe. My instinct has me wanting to run and hide again. The dogs bark I panic - heart thumping panic.

ALL of the old wounds have been ripped wide open. It took me decades to get to the point where I could sleep and not have dreams. It took decades for me to be able to trust people. Its gone. and i doubt I have decades left to dedicate to refix all of that again.

[Pix]

You have my deepest sympathy, BA.

I've been trying to understand the motivation for such a brutal mind frag but can't. Nevertheless, I thought I'd share an odd thought that occurred to me: maybe Blue is an evil spirit (or at least works for one), and if you kill yourself then maybe he (or his "patron") gets your scalp so to speak, because you surrendered to the power of the psychic/psychological attack. Don't let it win.

And I know this sounds a bit lame, but maybe you could get into a TV or book series (a dvd series is perhaps best as it takes less effort to get into it). It could distract you, affect your dreams, and give you something to look forward to in finding out what happens next. I have heard of people who said that was enough to keep them going when they were otherwise suicidal, because they simply had to know, and by the time they got through it they were over the worst of their suicidal depression.

[ChadCoxRox]

I've gotta confirm the same Bow and VERY sorry to read/learn of your experience. I had a painful and insulting time with this character begin soon after we met and not too long (about two months later) after joining in here on GS. I never could quite put my finger on the depth as when confronted he selectively and methodically clammed up and I easily recognized the need to let it go. Now I'm glad I did. I have gotten to know many people who have had seemingly significant relationships with this man and most all have expressed dismay and confusion tied near or directly to him. I just hope his situation does not spiral in such a way as to take more and more with him.

[ChadCoxRox]

You have my deepest sympathy, BA.

I've been trying to understand the motivation for such a brutal mind frag but can't. Nevertheless, I thought I'd share an odd thought that occurred to me: maybe Blue is an evil spirit (or at least works for one), and if you kill yourself then maybe he (or his "patron") gets your scalp so to speak, because you surrendered to the power of the psychic/psychological attack. Don't let it win.

And I know this sounds a bit lame, but maybe you could get into a TV or book series (a dvd series is perhaps best as it takes less effort to get into it). It could distract you, affect your dreams, and give you something to look forward to in finding out what happens next. I have heard of people who said that was enough to keep them going when they were otherwise suicidal, because they simply had to know, and by the time they got through it they were over the worst of their suicidal depression.

This post hits the nail squarely on the head and that's all I need say except it also makes a very good suggestion that is more powerful than may seem on the surface! Bow I hope you'll consider the suggestion much closer than the sincere and astute post it is.