Having a kid

[aethe]

Most of you may know, I have been suffering from depression for a while. I was really depressed because I was lonely, I was a failure (got fired and couldn't get employed was months), I didn't make a single friend in Uni, and especially over the fact that I could never have kids. The fact that I can never have kids was what hurts me the most. I love kids (not love love, I'm not a pedophile), I've always imagined myself as a family guy when I was young, and that's why I chose teaching as my profession. However, being gay pretty much guarantee I would never have my own child.

My depression became so bad that I literally cried myself to sleep, and lost hope. However, from the beginning of last year, I managed to get past this obstacle in my life thanks to most of you.

I've learned that most of problems won't go away if I gave up. Then I also realized that I only have 1 life, might as well make it good. I know that somethings like having a kid would never work for me but it's okay.

I've been doing a lot of Volunteer work in the last few years, and I noticed this boy (about 12 years old). That boy reminded me of myself when I was young... The shy skinny boy who have a lot to say but is too afraid to say it. I remember seeing him a lot but never really talk to him. Most of the other volunteer works never talked to him either but they all know that he's a good boy.

Anyway, I started to communicate with this boy, and introduce him to the other volunteer members, as he got closer to us, he started to talk more and beginning to be a little mischievous (which is good since he is a kid). He also started to attach to me a lot, like he'll follow me around and talk to me the most. Anyway, basically, I'm starting to treat him like a son that I would never have, and I'm actually enjoying it. So now here's the problem. Should I continue to treat him like a son? Or should I try not be too close with that kid?

[stpdo2]

As a parent of a couple boys myself, I can say that I would only be ok with a volunteer getting very close to one of my kids if I knew that volunteer as well and I was comfortable with them. If you know his parents/guardians, be sure to talk with them and keep them in the loop about what you and their son are doing together. I know there are a lot of great people who just enjoy the company of kids. It's only creepy if you keep it on the down lo.

[jimbopdxus]

I agree with stpdo2. Make certain the parents are very much in the loop. They can create a lot of trouble for you and since he is a minor the decision for friendship is entirely up to them and them alone, not him, not you.
Good Luck to you.

[Kat]

I'd keep any adult that wasn't my friend first from being friends with my kids they've got no reason to even be doing anything but their job like teaching or making the kids follow the rules at camp or Bible school or wherever if they aren't my friend and just know my kids because of that. If you're friends with the parents fine but if not then just do your job and don't make friends with kids.

[Geminize]

I don't see a problem. It sounds as if your friendship with him so far has been good for both of you. If you keep your interactions with him within the setting of the volunteer work you do, and there are always other people around, then it seems appropriate and healthy.

If you want to develop a friendship outside of the volunteer setting, then I agree that you should meet his parents so they get to know you, as well. I am assuming that you are only looking for a friend, not feeling attracted to him in other ways.

I don't think treating him like a son is necessary, you're not old enough to be that to him. You can be someone older that he looks up to though. That can be a great thing in a boy's life. Since he is a minor and you are a gay adult, you do need to be careful.

[dfiant]

I agree if that bond goes outside of the volunteer work you do, then there should be some involvement with the parents.

I think it is awesome you have found your niche and getting pleasure from the role you have in volunteering.

I also urge you to not give up hope on being a father. The Aussie way is 'Where there's a will, there's a way' If you want it bad enough, you'll find a way to make it happen.

[Bowyn Aerrow]

I'm sorry, are you sterile? Lost the penis in the war or something?

No? Then there are surrogate mothers out there. You might also meet a lesbian/couple who would be willing/able to do a 'two-for' deal, you sire two offspring, they get custody of one you get custody of the other.

Last decade I had a woman who was all wanting so badly for me to sire offspring for her... She thought my genes were perfect... Thus I know from personal experience that there are women out there who want your genetics and don't really want the body that those genetics come in. (Her plan was through artificial insemination thus maintaining my pristine homosexuality )

Then there is adoption. I do not know what Oz Laws are on the matter, but I know in the USA the adoption laws have changed a good deal in the past 20 years opening the doors for LGBT to adopt children. I suspect that over the course of the next 20 years with Gay Marriage taking on and tolerance of LGBT rising in the general population, that 'morals' and views will affect laws and individuals will be able to adopt children regardless of their sexual orientation.

There are other options I'm sure.

Right now you are 19, which in my books is really too young to be bringing another hungry, screaming mouth into the world. As a male you have the option to really plan out the whole 'fatherhood' situation, get yourself in a career, save up the millions of dollars that those parasitic creatures eat, wear, require and consume...

Yeah I know, you have that biological clock ticking away. Mine ticked once, I ripped it out and smashed it with a sledge hammer... So I get the whole need to be a parent.. Well not the whole need, just enough to know it can be a real need.

Besides, you might want to wait until you meet Mr. Right. Never know, you might meet a man who has sired offspring and will share his bundle of joys with you. This also makes you more available to more men in life. There are gay men who tried straight in order to be 'normal' end up with kids and a lot of gay men are leery of dating/being with a man with children.

Its good you have a way to reach out and help those in need. It may not be completely fatherhood, but it close enough for now and may actually help you to be a better father when you finally decide on a way to be 100% a dad.

Your are 19. I know that 20 years sounds like a life time, but I assure you by the time you hit 40 (which really isn't old) you will have sorted through all of this and most likely will be in a much better place to be a father, financially, experience wise, and all other aspects.

Time is currently on your side. Really it is.

[Rainbowmum]

As long as you keep that bond during volunteer work .I don't see a problem.
However if you are planning on seeing outside of that , then it would be a good idea to keep his parents in the loop after all he is still a minor.

[zeon]

hello,
remember boundaries..... when volunteering thats fine but outside volunteering i would not be easy about it unless the parents consented in writing. I used to do youth work and remember having a few kids that were my favourite but when it comes to work and lesiure the two dont mix so remember when are working i would say sure but outside give him the hope he needs but de tatch it at the door

kindest regards

aunty zeon
gayspeak agony aunt

[Counselor]

If you want to show preference for this boy, make sure you maintain professional boundaries, like making recommendations for programs you think he will excel at.