My current BF's previous relationship lasted just over 2 yrs. They were engaged. He got dumped.
I've known him for 16 months. We've dated exclusively for 9.
I realize I don't have the same time "invested" as his "ex". But give me a break! When am I going to stop being compared to HIM?
Don't get me wrong. Things are going pretty well between us. But sometimes I get the feeling I'm getting rubbed in the face of his ex- just to show that's he (my BF) has "moved on" and is doing great.
Why does he seem to care so much about what his ex- thinks? Is this right to make me a little crazy? Or should I be more patient and wait for our time "together" to exceed the time he spent with the other guy?
I want to know WHEN do I get to be appreciated for what I bring to THIS relationship RATHER than how much better I am than a PAST relationship?
Honestly, I'm SUPER pleased my BF seems to consider me a better partner than his ex- (after tons of heartbroken drama) but I simply want the baggage from the ex- to DISAPPEAR.
Is that naive?
Selfish?
Dumb?
Feedback please.
Thanks.
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I am sorry to hear that you boyfriend can’t seem to live in the present with you and leave the past where it belongs - in the past. I really don’t think that it’s about how much time you have “invested†but more about the respect in your relationship. He needs to know this is hurtful to you and it has to be addressed.
It’s a terrible feeling to be living in the shadow of somebody else, no matter the reason. Wanting to hold your rightful place as his partner dose not strikes me as naive, selfish or dumb but rather - exactly what you deserve as his partner.
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MissingNYC Wrote:I am sorry to hear that you boyfriend can’t seem to live in the present with you and leave the past where it belongs - in the past. I really don’t think that it’s about how much time you have “invested†but more about the respect in your relationship. He needs to know this is hurtful to you and it has to be addressed.
It’s a terrible feeling to be living in the shadow of somebody else, no matter the reason. Wanting to hold your rightful place as his partner dose not strikes me as naive, selfish or dumb but rather - exactly what you deserve as his partner.
That helps, thanks.
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I think it's selfish on his part to want to do that. I can understand at the beginning, but one has to move on, and even if one can't then it still shouldn't be inflicted on the next person.
I'm very happy to be with my current partner. However, there are things that were better with the last one of mine that lasted several years (and I was crushed when the last one ended). But I have NEVER made her deal with it, and it's irrelevant anyway, that relationship is over, I'm invested in this one, and there's no way in hell I'd go back to my last one under any circumstances at all, so why make my current partner feel bad as if I was "settling" for her? That's not the case at all (and there are also things I like more about her than the last one, too, it goes both ways), and I love her too much to risk leaving her with the false feeling that she's my "2nd choice" or that I feel there's someone better than her out there who I'd leave her for if my ex decided to take me back.
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Some people just Live that way. they cannot leave what they had where it belongs. and move forward they move back. Wheels stuck in the mud.
Mick
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I don't know about others, I do know or am highly aware that I measure other men by previous men in my life - both good and bad.
I do, however, keep it to myself. But I do it, sometimes often, sometimes not.
Having had a few 'bad' relationships I am sort of desperate to convince myself that the new guy is not like that 'bad' guy and I do tend to focus more on looking for the differences. Again I don't voice it, but its on my mind a lot.
How badly did his ex break him/his heart? If a lot, then its going to take a longer time for that heart to heal. Some wounds never heal...
His voicing his thoughts may be his trying to convey a lot more than merely you are better than his ex, he may be trying to tell you how appreciative that you are better than EX. Appreciative of what you do bring, but has no idea how to voice the complexities other than to draw comparisons.
He may actually be afraid that you may dump him at any time and he is trying to express that concern by reminding you that you are a 'good man' and he needs you.
Baggage never 'disappears' - the load lightens over time if a person is working on it, but it never vanishes. For better or for worse, you never date just the person you have before you, you also date everyone else they have been with and those people leave a mark for good or bad.
He may need a bit of therapy to work on some issues, or he may need more time.
Unfortunately the heart doesn't come with a fix-it manual, we have to figure out how to repair the tears, breaks and various injuries it receives on the fly. If this is his first real heart break, he may never fully recover from it.
He may need to relearn how to see a person without comparing that person. You may have to teach him that by gently pointing out the other things you bring that doesn't connect to his ex. That will mean you need to but aside some modesty and toot your own horn. Be nice about it, be gentle, even a little humorous. Once its pointed out he may very well focus on those things and move away from drawing all of these comparisons all the time.
He won't stop comparing, we all do it on one level or another.
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Bowyn Aerrow Wrote:I don't know about others, I do know or am highly aware that I measure other men by previous men in my life - both good and bad.
I do, however, keep it to myself. But I do it, sometimes often, sometimes not.
Having had a few 'bad' relationships I am sort of desperate to convince myself that the new guy is not like that 'bad' guy and I do tend to focus more on looking for the differences. Again I don't voice it, but its on my mind a lot.
How badly did his ex break him/his heart? If a lot, then its going to take a longer time for that heart to heal. Some wounds never heal...
His voicing his thoughts may be his trying to convey a lot more than merely you are better than his ex, he may be trying to tell you how appreciative that you are better than EX. Appreciative of what you do bring, but has no idea how to voice the complexities other than to draw comparisons.
He may actually be afraid that you may dump him at any time and he is trying to express that concern by reminding you that you are a 'good man' and he needs you.
Baggage never 'disappears' - the load lightens over time if a person is working on it, but it never vanishes. For better or for worse, you never date just the person you have before you, you also date everyone else they have been with and those people leave a mark for good or bad.
He may need a bit of therapy to work on some issues, or he may need more time.
Unfortunately the heart doesn't come with a fix-it manual, we have to figure out how to repair the tears, breaks and various injuries it receives on the fly. If this is his first real heart break, he may never fully recover from it.
He may need to relearn how to see a person without comparing that person. You may have to teach him that by gently pointing out the other things you bring that doesn't connect to his ex. That will mean you need to but aside some modesty and toot your own horn. Be nice about it, be gentle, even a little humorous. Once its pointed out he may very well focus on those things and move away from drawing all of these comparisons all the time.
He won't stop comparing, we all do it on one level or another.
First bold: I think this hits pretty close to part of the problem (Is it a problem? I guess it's a GOOD problem to have).
Second bold: I hadn't considered that. Thanks for pointing it out.
Third bold: Early in our relationship I did a LOT of listening about his ex's (two). A LOT of listening. Like, put a bullet thru my head, lot. I would actually resent it when I tried to talk about US and the conversation got steered back around to THEM. Now, after 9 months we are finally talking about US. We are "building a history". Sort of a platform I guess. And this encourages me. But after so much listening about THEM I still feel pretty tired of it.
Over time it's more about us; less about them. I guess I need more patience.
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I compare anyone to my deceased husband not out loud usually unless it's something that gets me off guard or is a big thing to me but we all do it and it's normal. Most of it is good things, looks like, talks like, does the good things Jim did.
My boyfriends do it too and I've even been expected to be friends with two of their exes. It's not a big deal if they aren't running back to the exes and some people really do break up and stay friends.
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that's an interesting question, I think, extremely. When you spend a great deal of your life with someone, expecially if you went through life/death situations with them, there is a bond that is going to be there I think to some extent for the duration of your lives.
I also recognized at one point that my ex and were toxic to each other, and I'm with somebody now who makes me laugh and smile. He knows I was with this other guy before him, he accepts it, but sometimes to this day I wake up with nightmares in the middle of the night about this dude.
Guess all I could say is accept it as part of the past but no reason why it has to impact the future...
It is what it is. I try not to talk about him 'cuz he probably doesn't really like to hear about my ex, but this guy was a part of my life for a long time, so, I come with my baggage.
would rather look forward than back
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Hey Latebloomer, maybe I could gave you my point of view.. But from the point of view of your bf.
Me and my ex bf lived together for several years, 12 years... (I met him when I was 21, he was 27)
He is really someone narcissic, self seeking, pedantic, snob, violent... and not really well-balanced person... But even if I fully realised it, I wouldn't have been able to leave him behind... Why*? Maybe for a lot of wrong reasons...
Living with him was an hell*; I gave him all I earned, because he didn't want to work, and I even had to combine three jobs to support him*! He even tryed to kill me once, it was a disturbing relationship*!
Now it's different... I finally broke up with him, and I met my current boyfriend, really different*! He is a calm and easy tempered person, untiring worker, independant... Humble and respectfull. We're living together for 4 years now...
But, even if I know my life is better now, the sense of attachment to my ex is still present....
He absolutly doesn't care about me, but when he needs help, he knows where I am and knows I still worry about him, ready to offer him my assistance to help him, at any moment like a brother or a member of my family... Of course, my family, friends and boyfriend do not agree with me and I don't even know myself why I would*! Stupid*? Maybe, but it seems normal for me...
Maybe it the same sense of attachment like your bf to his ex*? Not an attraction, but the waste of a relationship*? A no independance of him (excuse my words, I don't know the words in english!)
I don't want to discourage you, maybe this type of attachment could be for life, even if you're better than his ex... But, you're the one too able to «*delete*» this person, so don't doubt about yourself even if this person seems still to be present, you can minimize his influence- presence
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When do the comparisons STOP?
