Anymore after I cum, my sexual desire stops completely

[Counselor]

I'd love to!!!

LOL! This crowd never fails to surprise me...

[Steve1860]

LOL! This crowd never fails to surprise me...

Hi Counselor,

I truly hope that I didn't offend you with my reply. I sincerely apologize if I offended you. It was just my trying to be "cute".

I assure you it was an innocent statement as I was wrongly taken advantage of by older men when I was young and I was to worried about offending them that I didn't stop it at the time.

Yes, I am interested in younger guys, but I would never force myself on anyone else. There would have to be mutual interest.

My very best wishes to you,

Steven

[Bowyn Aerrow]

Something I have too look forward when I hit 50??? Three more years.... Yay - I guess I should just shoot myself now and get it over with...

Hypo-testosterone condition that you are taking X for, plus you are taking other pills, and if any of them are to treat anxiety/depression I bet they put you one one that makes you happy to not be able to have a sex life that it steals away.

It seems to me you already have a chemical cocktail that can lead to this. Some only extend, deepen and prolong the refractory period, that stage between the last time you climaxed and the next time you get hard again. Others will completely keep you from getting an erection, but good news they now have pills that give you an erection (Medicine is grand - F**ked up beyond sanity, but grand)

Another thing here it may be purely psychological.

You are 52 now and seem to believe this is a bad thing ??? or am I reading your post wrong? I also note you talk about 'just sex' and haven't actually discussed relationship. I assume you interest in younger men weighs heavy on your mind. I assume you figure that few younger guys want an older man with 'problems' for a real relationship.

Then you got that whole rural life style, few gay men actually enjoy gardening, chickens, farming - most run to the inner city and hide from the rural areas. I bet part of you knows this and further knows that a 18-35 year old gay man is going to be far more interest in city lights, bars, clubs and will not care to join you in your little paradise.

Perhaps a part of you more deeply wants a relationship and 'getting off' drives the point home that you are alone thus you get a bit disgusted as an effect of hearing some ticking clock far off in the distance reminding you that relationship potentials are slowly slipping away?

I also wonder at how you really feel about this anonymous sex thing, and glory holes and what not. Your last reply to this thread I'm reading that you are a bit concerned that you are that older pervy guy who picks up the young men. You may have put it that way, but I wonder if this is a thing that disturbs you a bit and may be affecting your post coital bliss, or lack there of.

In that second post you have focused a lot on your sexual attraction, and seem to place more importance on that than other things like attraction to the mind, attraction to the heart. Maybe there is a larger chunk of you that really wants the comforts and security that comes with having a relationship instead of random hook ups?

Could that be the real conflict?

[Steve1860]

Hi Bowyn Aerrow,

As you have seen/surmised, I have medical issues...both physiological and physiological and that makes me "damaged goods" as far as being attractive to anyone wanting to get into a LTR. That might be my own perception, but I would guess I am right in that, especially in the gay community.

I don't have a problem with my ability to "get it up" or cum. In my life, I have only had about 15 "relationships" with other guys. I shouldn't actually call them relationships as they were extremely short lived. I always had the bad habit of saying what was on my mind in a given situation. That would include the ever unpopular "L" word. I was always truthful in the moment...but that always scared people away...and I was told that directly. I never learned (or actually believed in) the games that seemed to be necessary to date. This put me at a disadvantage from the start in my late teens and on. If people would let that initial "stage" subside, I would have balanced out thus becoming less of a "threat".

I have analyzed and re-analyzed this over the years and believe that because I didn't progress "normally" as far as relationships go, my sexual attraction stayed interested in the age group that I was attracted to when I was young myself. That is a theory, but I believe that it hold credence.

You are absolutely right in saying that I want an LTR. I have wanted that since I was 6 years old. I wanted the Little white house and the white picket fence with my husband, 2 dogs and a car. Something I was taught by the TV programs of the late 50s and early 60s. Of course they showed a wife, but I was smart enough to know...even then...that I wanted a man.

Now, as far as the indiscriminate sex thing...most of that is a fantasy that I have in my mine. I have always been oral and I have always been the type of person that wanted to please people...ergo, sucking guys off. Back in the day...my friends "got around" allot and I, being the shy and romantic one was pretty much in-active when it came to things like that. No, I wasn't an angel, but compared to them, I was celibate.

I think of the indiscriminate sex thing as something that would be "easy" and non-committal. Something where I wold get to pleasure guys (thus pleasuring me) and not worry about the fantasy of dating that would potentially lead to a LTR. The only problem is that there is a huge split in my mind...a conflict between my fantasies (sexual) and what I deep down inside want / a predisposition towards an LTR and having a "normal" lifelong relationship/marriage that I always dreamed of.

I have gone through periods of getting on "hookup" sites and trying to find guys just for sex. This is allot because I have had and still has "needs" and desires to be with men physically. Right now, for instance, I have been on one of those sites for a while and have gotten a number of guys (young, believe it or not), that want to have sex with me...but as much as I would love to do that, I am terrified at the idea of actually following through. These guys have freely offered to do anything from just an "oral session" to full on "anything goes" sex...and they are REALLY attractive, at least to me and I am apparently attractive to them as well. I mean they have given me their phone numbers, their real email addresses and even their physical addresses. I just had a tooth extracted and told them and they said that after I heal and feel up to it to call them and we can get together. this is all something that I didn't expect...if I am to be completely honest. I always thought of this as a basically anonymous activity where there was no concern for the other person except to have sex. I am finding that these people are more "real" that I had thought....that is a good thing, but still unexpected. I just don't want to embarrass myself if I get to nervous and do the shaking and teeth chattering thing or have issues with performance because of my anxiety issues.

No, I don't want to the the "pervy guy who picks up the young men". Unless I look in the mirror (and get horrified)...I see myself and think of myself as being back in my 20s. Yes, I do know that I am 52, but I still in allot of ways see myself younger. I think this is normal as I have talked to many people including my grandparents when they were in their 90s and they still felt as though they were in their much younger years even though they knew their actual age.

Also, you are right that I hear and feel that clock in the background ticking time away and in my experience of the gay life, when you get old...unless you are in a relationship...you are washed up. "Growing up" so to speak in West Hollywood when I was in my late teens and early 20s, I saw all of the "beautiful" guys that went out to the clubs and bars. A very large percentage of these guys were truly beautiful and actual models and actors, etc. and I always felt quite inadequate. Although now when I look at pictures of me during that time, I would do me but at the time, I certainly didn't feel I measured up.

Yes, I absolutely want the "...attraction to the mind, attraction to the heart. Maybe there is a larger chunk of you that really wants the comforts and security that comes with having a relationship..." I want the sexual part to only enhance that. But, I want an answer to this simple question...How can you be attracted to something that you are not attracted to?...something that revolts you?...I again say, that, I am not attractive to a woman sexually and when I think of their anatomy "downstairs, I find it revolting...I would literally vomit if I were put in front of that. I am not trying to be offensive here, I am stating facts that my body would react to. I feel the same way about "old man skin" and lack of muscle tine and gray hair and everything that goes with being old. I am completely repulsed by that sexually. As far as a friend, I wouldn't care less and as I have said, I love to be around people that are in quite advanced years. They have lived so much and have so many stories and so much to offer. I truly love that, but I could never be sexual with them...even a kiss on the mouth would be unbelievably difficult (without tongue). Can you understand that? I cannot possibly be the only one on the planet that feels this way. You are attracted to what you are attracted to. It is simple. If there is a way to change that, I certainly don't know how to do that.

I don't know if I have answered any of your questions or not. I can only try to explain what I am feeling and internal struggles that I have and am going through.

[Steve1860]

My response was moderated, so it will be a bit before it posts, but I did reply.

[BobInTampa]

Well, i'm going out on a limb here, and i'm betting this is 100% mental - perhaps a combination of your agoraphobia and where you live now.

In addition to your medical testosterone therapy, i would suggest you try to find a good counselor - with training and experience in dealing with LGBT clients, and figure out what's making you feel like sex is bad/dirty, etc after you cum.

I'm guessing that you're "out" since you talked about your sexual performance wtih men when you were in your mid-20's, so i'm guessing this isn't about the anxieity that comes with many closeted men dealing with their sexual identity.

If you ARE in the closet, then you should still seek counseling - there's no shame in it and it DOES help.

I really don't think this physical - it's mental. Something's triggering your "shame" reaction - you need to find out what that is or you'll never really be able to engage in a meaningful sexual relationship.

[Viltans]

Hello Steve, excuse me if I'm a little bit off topic cause maybe I have not understood what you're talking about...

It seems to me you have very divided your relations with others, and built a bulwark since you was younger...

Before, when you were under 20 maybe you used to wait and now you're older and have to find, to seduce maybe you're not really prepared for an active part because you're still feeling like if you were teenager? Could it be the reason of your shyness and anxiety*?

Maybe you used to be stimulated by more experimented partners before, and now it's no longer the same because now you're the older, but you're still waiting something you can tell...

But it's the same for everyone I think...

I think that's a good thing you talked us first here, this proves you're able to talk about it*! But I agree with Bobintampa you should talk about it with a good counselor... You would be surprised, first difficult to go, more easy to return Just jump in and try*!

PS: your goldens are beautiful!

[Steve1860]

I know that I will be moderated if I write a long reply, but I want to reply to both you (Christophe) and Bobintampa.

[Steve1860]

I have been in therapy off and on since I was about 11 years old. In the early daus, I was told it was because I was "introverted" which I was, but found out later in life it was because I "played" with other little boys.

[Steve1860]

Later, it had more to do with depression and anxiety which has now gotten out of hand...especially the anxiety. You are right in saying that the agoraphobia has been cause buy my anxiety.