Although I have known about it for a number of years now...only by putting things together and with the agreement of a number of shrinks and therapists, I was molested when I was about 5 on an ongoing basis.
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The reason I say this is, because I have had this little snipit of a movie that goes over and over in my mind and has been the same for 40+ years never changing, but I can't remember anything else about it and the fact that at the age of 6, I likes to suck other little boys dicks and wanted something something other than urine to come out...something that a 6yo wouldn't know about.
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The little movie is of me in a shower with a guy that is just standing there...not erect...and my head is crotch high to him. I thought it might have been a memory of my dad and I showering, but I asked him and he said that we never showered together.
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Only a few years ago did I really concentrate on that movie snipit and realized that the guy I was in the shower with was circumcised and my dad (and grandfather) was not. I have an idea who it was, but absolutely cannot remember.
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I have a feeling that it was a neighbor friend's older brother. I remember a dark house that is almost scary and going into a bad bedroom...but I can't remember "the act. When I "played" with the other little boys, I inherently knew to keep it a secret which would make sense it I had been told that by someone who was molesting me.
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Oh.. And are you sure it's a real memory? I mean, could it be something you saw, like a porn movie or magazine?
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Even when I was very young...age 6 an on...I always wanted to suck off little boys and expected what I now know is cum to come out. Of course at those young ages it didn't. But after puberty, that is the "present I got after I pleasured guys. I have always like to swallow ever since because of that.
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The "dirty" aspect only has had to do with indiscriminate sex as was so popular with my friends so many years ago. Since I was too shy, I couldn't go do what they were doing...plus I had that romantic ideal in my mind which didn't match with a hookup.
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I have only been with about 15 or so guys in my lifetime. All of them lasted about 10 days and then ended. I now call them "extended tricks". I always wanted a relationship, but I was told that I scared people away because I said what I felt in the moment. Apparently not a good thing to do.
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