I have always been very honest and said what I felt in the moment. I used the "L" word and that seemed to be the problem. That was what I was feeling, so I said it...I am sure I was needy too. Not a good thing to be with someone.
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The thing is that I would have "balanced out" if given the chance. But I was never given that chance. I hate playing games. I like to be honest...but that, I have been told directly was not a good thing to be.
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When I was a child at 5, I realised that I was gay even if I had never been told it existed I mean homosexuality... I used to have many girls as friends, but only one boy as friend... About sexuality, I didn't know anything cause I even didn't know how to make a baby before I was 12!!
But then I decided to have my first sex relation at 16 to compare boys and girls, and waited so I never experiment before 16, anything and refused "child games"; the first time with a boy I was 16, he was 26... And I never had sex with a girl, until now...
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I apologize for these many short posts...almost like IMing, but I wanted to get some of this out without waiting for something to be moderated and then come out way later when the conversation had gone past that point.
I feel I have so much to say and you all have so much to say, that I want and need to have this conversation. I have come to a point in my life that I thought I had shut down and no longer had to worry about. I think my meds deadened my desires and made it easy for me not to be interested in sex or human companionship. Now that I have more energy with the testosterone therapy, and I am sure some of it's other "benefits" raising my testosterone to a normal level, I am again interested in sex. Because I have isolated myself so much in the past few years, I also am craving human companionship. If it weren't for my dogs keeping me company, I don't know if I would have made it this far. I have lived to take care of them and they have given me their unconditional love and didn't judge me for the health issues I have to deal with daily. No I am not suicidal if any of you are thinking or concerned about that. I have just lost allot of the will to live and they have kept me here.
I love my babies. I would love to be able to give my love to another man. I just don't know with the baggage that I have if that will ever happen. That is why I consider myself "damaged goods". I can't do the things I used to do and be as active as I used to be. I don't know if that will ever change at this point. There are very few people that are interested in someone that has allot of limitations. I understand that, but at the same time, I (and my doctors) have not had any luck in correcting allot of my health issues. I've had so many dreams become thwarted by my limitations. I used to be able to do things and I still have the knowledge, but my body isn't willing to play anymore. That is bad at 52.
Yeah, I know that the violins are going to start any minute...I am not trying to gain sympathy...I am just trying to share my honest feelings. I haven't been able to be completely open with anyone since I moved here in '03. I don't like that. I just wish I had some gay friends that I could talk to that understand the issues that I am dealing with as far as those that deal with sex and my desires for men. That is something that has to be kept under wraps in this area...but now, I don't have the money to move. I am trapped here. My reasons for moving here were good. I wanted to be closer to family after my dad died in '02. Shortly after I moved here, my mom moved up here and we were going to buy a place together (separate houses), but she got cancer and died. My whole reason for moving here was pretty much her. I don't regret being here for her in the end, but if I had only known, I wouldn't have completely moved out here. I would have left my things in Maryland and come out to help her until she passed and then moved back.
I just have no support system in place anymore. I have become useless. I used to be useful and I felt I had a purpose even after I became disabled in 1994. Not I have no purpose. the things I have tried have failed because my body won't let me do what I once could do.
Also, in regard to seeing a therapist here...there are VERY few in this area and I have had a very hard time finding any. The one's that are here either are not talking on new patients or don't take Medicare. I have just had my first appt with an LCSW yesterday. That has been the first person that I have been able to find in about 3 or so years. I also need a shrink for my med management because I have a very complex cocktail of meds for both physical and mental issues. I have 32 prescriptions that I have to take either daily or as needed. That is allot. Just in case it is important to know, I am not HIV positive. I would probably need another 32 meds for that.
Anyway, I have rattled on way to long. I just wanted to get some of this out there.
Thank you for listening and caring.
Steven
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I see a few similarities between you and I. No need to get into all of that here.
Changing ones 'type' is not easy. No sir, not easy at all. But then you don't change your type, instead you compromise and balance out your needs with your wants.
In earlier posts you have outlined many things, now you need to figure out which are more important to you. Which of these things are a need and which are a want?
Ask yourself that, make a list if necessary. this is for your information only.
I discovered that 'my type' of man is really unhealthy for me. I tend to be attracted to tall, strong 'dominate' men who happen to all have 'large egos' and love to resolve relationship issues violently. It took me 3 very bad relationships to understand that my type is not going to satisfy the needs I have.
As a consequence I went for the complete opposite, even changing my position in bed from predominately bottom to total top. I ended up with 14.5 relatively quiet, decent years that were mostly content with a few happy points. No it didn't end well, but it sure as hell didn't end violently.
As relationships go it was by far my best achievement - I think....
No few of my wants were satisfied during those 14.5 years. Many of my needs were satisfied thus the exchange rate was worth the compromise.
The more I read the more I think your little problem in the sex department is this out of balance thing with needs and wants.
No I do not know how to determine the difference between a need and a want. I struggle with that for myself. So there is no easy answer there. I think everyone reaches a point in their live when they are faced with this tougher question of what they need Vs what they want and each have different answers.
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Btw, Steven, you'd have to do something morally reprehensible to offend me, I thought the response was cute, since I was teasing to begin with. It's all good.
But seriously, ALL damn NIGHT?! I would fall dead asleep at some point and wake up absolutely famished...
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