How do you squelch the anxiety, depression and paranoia when dating...

[Steve1860]

I fear that by asking this, I will get "analyzed", but I am going to ask anyway with hopes that the answers are more in general from experience that to delve into my issues regarding the subject.

From my observation over MANY years, it seems that it is necessary to play what I call, "dating games"..."hard to get" and the like. When YOU are first attracted to a person girl/guy and there is mutual attraction, how do you stay calm and "in control" without going into a "nose dive" full of anxiety, depression and everything in between when you want to be with the person and they are not available...work and life in general?

EXAMPLE: When I meet someone and there is no attraction on my part...it is easy for me and doesn't trigger extreme responses...everything goes fine BUT, when I AM attracted to a guy, I get all screwed up and act like a 16yo school girl.

I dream of what life would be like with the guy and then I worry that he is not interested in me in the "same way", or he is just out for "fun". I run all of these scenarios through my mind relentlessly to the point I can't even hold a normal conversation without forgetting what I was talking about.

It feels like falling in love, but at 52, I know it is not love because we have not known each other long. I can accurately say that "I love being with this guy". I can want more than virtually anything that I am again in his arms and laying together in bed.

How do YOU handle your "demons" when it comes to starting a relationship/dating?

I am interested in your responses.

Thank you,

Steven

[ThatRobGuy]

For me, I've realized that if a guy doesn't make himself available and isn't as infatuated with me as I am with him, then he isn't the right one for me.

Now, if you are just talking about days where you both are unavailable and are missing each other desperately, that is a tough one. Going out and doing things socially to take your mind off of it, playing video games, or watching a movie could help. Having some "me" time isn't always a terrible thing. I try to remember that life went on before I met that special person and life will continue to go on if we don't get to see each other every single day.

[gilhooly]

The best way to avoid depression is to fall in love with yourself. If you love yourself and enjoy being alone with yourself, it makes it easy for other guys to fall in love with you. They don't feel they are cheating you if it doesn't work out. They can love you or leave you as they feel without creating a lot of doubt.

When it works, it is sensational. When it doesn't, move on. You make some mistakes but so does every one else. Just go for it. Avoid taking medicine at all cost. Medicines will destroy your equilibrium more than a bad romance. Grin and bear it. Go for the long haul and don't sweat every relationship.

[jamiebfd]

well its certainly a common thing to get these paranoia's as i myself have felt those anxieties etc.
So nothing uncommon.
Personally i stay as reserved as possible but try not to become cold toward him. otherwise we would be putting up obstacles for ourself lol. Although...if at any point he tells me he loves me, my barriers drop and i declare my love too.

LOVE...is posible at ANY age. Love at first sight, love after 10 years of knowing someone. Whats the difference?
If you think you love somone then clearly you dont. Knowing you lve soemone however is the complete oposite.
i believe if someone has to think wether they "love" a person then its highly likely that they dont xD

But as for the dating...dont worry about it. Go with the flow and always leave room for surprises :+)

[MisterTinkles]

Its called "self control". And like everything else you have learned in life........you have to LEARN HOW to do this.

You can control yourself when you need to pee...until you reach a restroom.
You can control your hunger, until you can get to someplace to eat.
You can control your anger until you get to a place you can express yourself safely.

You learn to control yourself, your thoughts, and your feelings the same way.

I see a man who's physical features attract my attention and I think "wow, good hubby material".
BUT........
Then I realize I dont know anything about this person. Its just assumption based on a look, which is a VERY bad thing to do. So I realize he just "looks" nice. He could be a real asshole, a child molester, a thief, a drug addict, he could be married with 10 kids, he could have 15 contagious diseases.......I know nothing about him.

That pretty much squelches those feelings that start up when that happens to me.

If we do meet and I get to know him, then I make a more informed decision, based on what kind of person he is, more than how he looks.

In my experiences, the best looking ones KNOW they are good looking and are usually players and dirtbags because of this attitude they have.

There have been one or two very good looking guys that claimed interest in me. One was engaged to a girl who was pregnant.....I said "no thanks", even though he had a smile that could melt steal and was an amateur body builder.....I let my logical senses guide me on this one. The other guy was gorgeous also, but he had SO much freeking baggage it was sickening. I had to pass on him too. They werent good for me.

You have to control yourself. Control your thoughts, control your emotions. And yes, it can be done. Millions of people do it daily....otherwise we would all be killing each other.

If you dont know meditation, I would suggest you research it and learn how to do this. There are many different kinds of meditation. Find one thats right for you. It will help with learning how to control yourself.

[Pix]

I'll just add that when the "brain falls in love" it tends to pour out some chemicals that are very drug-like and the euphoria is intense it can also turn into anxiety, crushing depression, and outright paranoia without much prodding. Luckily that's suppose to stop after about a year so if you can make it that long then it gets a lot easier (even if the euphoria isn't as intense, neither is the anxiety) as you survived each other's insanity. :tongue:

[Steve1860]

Hi MisterTwinkles,

I read and understand and even agree with all that you said, but I have a question for you.

Self control is a large part of your post and I understand your meaning.

My question is this:

If you put your hand in a hole and hear a rattling sound, how do you use self control to stop yourself from jerking it out as fast as you can hoping that you don't get bit my the rattlesnake that is in the hole?

I am not trying to be funny or cute or disrespectful here. I am trying to relay the intensity that I feel when I am attracted to a man to the best of my ability. It is as if all of the self control in the world cannot stop the "natural reaction" to the event.

No, I am not comparing dating to a bad event such as I have described with the snake. I am simply trying to illustrate the intensity of the feelings that go along with my meeting a person that I am extremely attracted to when there is mutual attraction.

Its called "self control". And like everything else you have learned in life........you have to LEARN HOW to do this.

You can control yourself when you need to pee...until you reach a restroom.
You can control your hunger, until you can get to someplace to eat.
You can control your anger until you get to a place you can express yourself safely.

You learn to control yourself, your thoughts, and your feelings the same way.