Hello. I've been feeling depressed lately -- not because of anything specific, but because I'm slowly losing all hope of ever having a close relationship with anyone. I feel that I live in a world rich with opportunities for love and for deep personal connection, but that somehow those opportunities are all closed off to me. I move easily through different social circles, and I make friends wherever I go, but I don't have any close friends. I've never had close friends. I've never had a real romantic relationship either. I have sex, but not intimacy.
I've been to therapy, and I've spent much time in introspective contemplation, but I still don't know why I always end up alone. I've been told that I have problems with self-acceptance, shame, intimacy issues, and/or self esteem, but knowing this doesn't seem to help in any way -- if those are, indeed, my problems, I have no clue how to fix them. I used to be optimistic that I would figure it out eventually, but as I become older, I become more and more skeptical that I can change. More often than not these days, I feel that I'm doomed to a dark and lonely future.
I don't expect anyone here at GaySpeak to have answers for me. I just need to express my frustration somewhere. I'm sorry for being such a downer.
Matt
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Matt- No need to apologize. Depression sucks. It's easy to get stuck in a downward emotional spiral. From the inside, it's hard to see any brighter possibilities.
Obviously, I don't know you or the details of your struggle. I can only make suggestions from my own experience. The best thing I ever did for myself and my own struggles was to join a support group. We met weekly and challenged each other to "show up" more fully in our lives.
That group was based on the 12-step model. We had alcoholics, over-eaters, codependents, and others. Each person's story was different, but the similarities in how we prevented ourselves from being fulfilled were remarkable. It was hard work, but it would have been impossible for me to accomplish the same growth on my own or one-on-one with a therapist.
It seems to me a place like Santa Barbara probably has a variety of support groups. Some are listed on craigslist. A call to a counseling clinic might produce more. You could check out a few, see if any seem like a good fit.
You may think you're not a "group person". Neither was I. Our minds are echo chambers where our thoughts and fears get repeated and amplified until they seem huge and overwhelming. Including other people (in person) in the process of getting past those thoughts and fears in a supportive environment is the best thing I ever did for my own emotional health. You have nothing to lose.
I don't think it's necessary to choose a LGBT support group, but they're out there. Pacific Pride Foundation could be a good place to check out.
Hang in there. It's never hopeless!
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Hi Matt,
Accepting your self can be hard enough without depression on top of it.
But things are not going to get better by them selves , you need to get the tools to fight the depression ,and you also need to put yourself out there.
As with all things it is going to take time , be kind to yourself and do not give up.
Hang in there , we are all here for you,
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Sorry man. Sometimes it's good to just let it out. You're certainly not the only one in that boat though, for what it's worth.
To quote the great philosopher our time:
"They're sharing a drink they call loneliness, but it's better than drinking alone."
-Billy Joel
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Been there, done that.
I have found this to be of great value to my sanity for the past few years of my life.....
being called "pessimist" and "negative", and all that other crap.....
Pessimist - what "optimists" have named people who dont live life as they do, with thier heads up thier asses, refusing to see reality and logic in all things.
Optimists - people who live with thier heads up thier asses, refusing to beleive or accept any part of reality or logic that is right in front of thier own eyes. They live in a fantasy.
Realist - one who lives in the real world, acknowledges the real world, and does not pretend all the horrors on this planet will "go away if I close my eyes or turn my head the other way". One who knows there is no such thing as "turn the other cheek", unless you want the same treatment on both cheeks.
Hope - a false sense of self-deluded security, that has no basis on anything tangible.
Faith - beleiving in a fantasy or imaginary concept that has no grounds in reality, in hopes that it will one day become reality. Another false sense of security, that has no basis on anything tangible.
Im lucky I have a few really close friends, even though they live far away now.
I used to be one of those people just "wafting" through life, with no regard or understanding about anything on this planet or right in front of my face.
I was literally "brought to life" by something that happened to me after I graduated High School...and my close friends I have met have all taught me that you can either beleive in all the BS that people live by, or you can make your own life and live that.
I used to think as you do. Was told I had similar "issues". But I found out it was all those types of people around me who were bringing me down, not me. I had my epiphany one day..and it was like hitting a brick wall going 100 miles an hour.
After my epiphany, I looked in the bathroom mirror at myself, and conscience realization hit me....I felt like I had just gotten off a year long roller coaster ride! I looked at myself and in the space of two seconds, everything real in the world hit me. I knew what was bringing me down, and I got rid of it. Most of it was the people around me, some of it was me.
I looked at myself and said, "Really? Is this shit working for you?"
I answered "NO".
So I stopped. Cold turkey, as they say.
From my viewpoint, you are wanting things you arent working for.
You are expecting things from the wrong kinds of people.
You arent expecting enough from yourself.
Expect more from yourself and do it.
Then you will attract the right kind of people.
Be happy with yourself. If you arent happy with yourself, why should anybody else be?
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Get a dog, instantly more loyal than most gay men. I think you know a relationship will not change who you are, not an immediate personal improvement thingy. Relationships are a lot of work.
Islander Wrote:... I've been to therapy ... you need to shop around to find the right emotional and clinical setting for your needs. be quick to drop the therapy that dosnt work for you and shop around.
Islander Wrote:... I feel that I live in a world rich with opportunities for love and for deep personal connection, but that somehow those opportunities are all closed off to me. I move easily through different social circles, and I make friends wherever I go ... [/QUOTE some people would be jealous of your life. Enjoy what you have.
[quote=Islander] ... I feel that I live in a world rich with opportunities for love and for deep personal connection ... relationships are a lot of work. Are you ready and does this fill a need in your life or just a toy. Your sharing your body, money, and your dreams/ aspirations with a complete stranger. Lots of emotional risk and >50% of them fail. You and the husband will change over time, are you ready to accept someone entirely new, are you willing to accept compromise to stay of some sort of common path.
Islander Wrote:... More often than not these days, I feel that I'm doomed to a dark and lonely future ... Give it some time and continue to make friends. You will eventually get what you want, i just think you just want this and dont really need it.
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