Im torn

[Vigilias]

Jpazli...

My thoughts on this one are that if this was your boyfriend then you would be justified, as some here have suggested, in logging on to the site and acting as agent provocateur in order to "smoke him out".

However, this is your friend's relationship and someting tells me that she wouldn't thank you for your interference. It's never a good idea to get involved in others relationships, you could lose her as a friend.

If and when the inevitable happens be there for her but say nothing about the fact that you saw his profile on the site in question - that's the double-edged sword you see; revealing the findings of your investigation in to her boyfriend could make her upset and angry with you just as revealing the news of your findings if they eventually split up over his activities. She may feel you should have told her sooner.

Just be there for her when it all goes wrong.

Good luck!

[BobInTampa]

I agree with Aenaes. If she's more than a casual friend, and you need to stay in teh closet, you need to inform her without outing yourself.

And, if Aenaes' case wasn't strong enough, imagine how she'll feel when it comes out that you DID see his profile and DIDn'T tell her....she'll be crushed and angry and you'll lose her as a friend.

[ceez]

Can you find out if he is active on the site? I think the safest way to defuse this ticking time bomb would be to contact the boyfriend if he IS active on the site. You can even let him know who you are becuase if he threatens to out you then you can out him, and if the gf does know he's bi then she wouldn't have a problem knowing you're gay. Just make sure you save some evidence so he doesn't cut and run. This way you can leave it up to him to end it if he is cheating and avoid being blamed for a failed relationship.

[Bowyn Aerrow]

Its nunya - None ya business what he and she does.

Never know, he might be bi, might have just experimented and decided he prefers women over men.

I also think you need to focus on your own honesty issue before you can address the honesty issues of others. After all you are in the closet (lying) about your own sexuality - you have your reasons, thus you are in the position where you can at least understand what being in a closet is all about, and have some basic empathy for another who is (or may be) in a closet themselves.

Even IF you came out to her, its not your place to out him. In fact if you do out him a gang of nelly queens will show up at your house and torment you endlessly until you beg to be forgiven. Outting another is bad business, and it is perhaps the second most sacred unwritten rule in the LGBT - Thou shall not out another.

I make it a rule to not get involved with other people's relationships unless I am asked for my opinion. Especially if I don't know the full score.

He may be 100% gay but has opted to do the straight life. That is his mistake to make. He may have prayed away the gay successfully - he may be bisexual.

And he may have already told her about his sex-ploits of his deviant past and she has totally forgiven him and doesn't think its an issue as long as no one else knows and your telling her would wreck her relationship.

You do not possess all the facts. So your best option is to keep what you know to yourself.

[LateBloomer]

Oh what tangled webs we weave...

Live and let live.

This is not your battle to fight.

I watched a good friend marry a total bitch. He had 3 children with her. Ultimately they divorced after a very ugly break up.

I knew it would never work, but I never said anything to him.

People need to live their own lives and make their own mistakes.

[seeking]

hard situation, either way you might be the good guy/bad guy

- if you tell her, she might think that you ruin her relationship and blame you for interrupting (even you do it anonymously, you know she blame that person and that's you)
- if you don't tell her, later if she finds out and know that you didn't tell, she might blame you for not telling her (if you don't let her know you knew, then you'll feel guilty i suppose. If you won't then you wouldn't have made this thread)

so either way there is a possibility that she blames you for telling / not telling, or you will struggle in guilty.

thus i suggest testing her preference.
like tell her a similar story that one of your friend found out his friend's partner is gay/lesbien, and he told his friend, resulting an end of friendship. (or more subtle story as you said there were rumors about her boyfriend in the past and she might sense sth) see how she judges and you know what she prefers her friend to do so you know what to do.

But there is still a risk that it's different for people to judge others and to having the situation really happen on themselves. now it's your choice.

OR

you ignore her preference and just follow what you think it is right. and bear all the consequences. If she blames you it is her decision not yours coz you two have different perception on right and wrong.

[Counselor]

Omg, Aeneas, that is heinous. Seriously people, what the fuck would you do if someone did that to you? I know a good portion of you are already suicidal some of the time, so I guess that would be an option.

jpazli, just talk to the guy. Ask him what he's doing, if she knows about this, and if he really is taking his relationship with her seriously.

[Aeneas]

Its nunya - None ya business what he and she does.

Never know, he might be bi, might have just experimented and decided he prefers women over men.

I also think you need to focus on your own honesty issue before you can address the honesty issues of others. After all you are in the closet (lying) about your own sexuality - you have your reasons, thus you are in the position where you can at least understand what being in a closet is all about, and have some basic empathy for another who is (or may be) in a closet themselves.

Even IF you came out to her, its not your place to out him. In fact if you do out him a gang of nelly queens will show up at your house and torment you endlessly until you beg to be forgiven. Outting another is bad business, and it is perhaps the second most sacred unwritten rule in the LGBT - Thou shall not out another.

I make it a rule to not get involved with other people's relationships unless I am asked for my opinion. Especially if I don't know the full score.

He may be 100% gay but has opted to do the straight life. That is his mistake to make. He may have prayed away the gay successfully - he may be bisexual.

And he may have already told her about his sex-ploits of his deviant past and she has totally forgiven him and doesn't think its an issue as long as no one else knows and your telling her would wreck her relationship.

You do not possess all the facts. So your best option is to keep what you know to yourself.

the OP may be lying about his sexuality, but he is not the one cheating - and as such, not causing anybody any harm.


second rule in LGBT: Thou shall not out another, unless he/she is cheating on your best friend.

lets face it, this boyfriend is gagging to be outed the minute he decided to date a girl and put his pictures up on a gay dating site (again, just make sure its him and what he is doing there.)

[MisterTinkles]

You have two choices:

Tell her and have her be mad at you for "creating such a lie about HER boyfriend".
OR
Keep quiet and let her live her own life, with all the ups and downs.




Its been my personal experience with girl friends (my sister included), that you can NOT tell them anything about the men they are dating or involved with, even if they ASK for your opinion........they are going to do whatever THEY want to do, to hell with what anybody else says.

I would just tell her what a douchebag the guy is, at every opportune moment, and just leave it at that.

[Beaux]

My cousin (and best friend) Peggy was dating a guy who made a pass at me. I told her. She end our friendship. Several years later she caught him in bed with another man and they split. She apologized to me and I forgave her, but it was quite a blow at the time.

I say either tell her anonymously or don't tell her at all. Just my opinion.