A new life... sorry for the breather guys

[zeon]

Hi people,
I feel being close to this community it is time to come and ask a vitial question... Am i better for the forum as a agony aunt or a support worker for any members who are diagnosed with HIV? I had a test done and found out two days ago I am now offically HIV+.. I was on cloud nine and tried to remain there however last night i hit planet earth really hard as it sunk in im not going to be a dad and im not going to be going into the normal entrance to the clinic anymore ill be going into the so called back door as i call it as all HIV+ people go in there... I admitted it immediately to my mum and my aunt and told them to keep it quiet but they told all my family and robbed me of my chance and before i knew it last night i was writing every member of my family a goodbye letter and telling them how much i love them but feel the man i was has died and i am no longer feeling part of this family or feeling welcome because i have a disease which i want to rip out of me because i happen to pick the faulty condom from the local bar to get rid of an itch which has cost me a path choice..
I got my dog on a lead and took him for a walk, I went to the seafront where the cliffs are and sat with my feet dangling 330 feet above rocks thinking to myself all this emotion is driving me fucking crazy inside/ I felt torn to pieces and felt life wasnt worth going on... My mum called me and kept calling me and i ignored the calls my aunt calls i ignore them and my nan does as well and i ignore them... My boyfriend calls me and says why are u not talking to ya family.. I broke down in tears and told him that i feel trapped inside and he told me he understands and have i forgotten he is also hiv+? He told me how much he loves me and cares and not to do anything stupid because he feels complete.. I just sat and felt the pain building and i think he sussed because he said u wanna cry dont you and i said yeah i wanna get it all out and accept this but i cant im trying to run and this thing isnt ahead of me or behind me it is beside me... He told me to talk to my mum and i said ok and was told to not do anything stupid and i am loved. Well after putting the phone down i walked to a bench and sat down on it and lit a fag and thought for fucks sake get a grip and accept it and my nan called mny mobile and cried down the phone telling me that i am accepted in the family and i told her i feel different from everyone else and i cant face the questions and answers and so on. l told her i cant look in a mirrior because i see death staring back at me and was told my mum is on her way over with my aunt and when the conversation finished my dog had been un tied from his lead and taken and I started to panic and this brought everything to a head... I walked into the carvery behind and asked about my dog and they told me some woman was seen putting him into a taxi and walking off.. l burst into tears and demanded they call the cab firm and get him back his all i feel i got right now and i need him...

well to cut this story short the cab firm returned my dog before he reached his destination and when i got him brought back my baby boi ran from the taxi straight to me jumping in my arms as i crouched down and put my arms out and i will admit i have never ever cried so much in my life everything hit me then my world was beginning to collapse and my dog was trying to rebuild it through his love kissing me on the face and wiping away my tears telling me or trying to tell me everythings gonna be alright and dont cry. I had my mum turn up with my aunbt and i looked at them in the car park carrying my dog and trhey both gave me a hug and i couldnt contain the next burst and cried more telling them how i feel a fucking failure because i always used protection and i still got it and im so fucking fustrated i got a condom which had been broken and wont ever recommend free condoms in bars for people to use...

well today i got up and went to work but before i did i double checked my dog was in doors and opened the door to tell my dog how much i love him and will see him after work.... I went to visit my boyfriend tonight who got a pizxza in and watched absolutely fabulous with me and cuddled up in bed telling me everything works out fine in the end im just grieving the side of me ive lost and wont get back... Well thursday i go for blood tests and will hopefully not long after find out my starting point on viral load and CD4 count and see how i go and how long ive had it as i know i havent got it from my partner as we had sex for the first time less than three months ago....

so now i am ghoing to admit I am hiv+ and want people to know that if they want to talk to someone who is understanding what its like to be affected and whatnot by hiv please dont feel worry about contacting me as i will keep it confidential and i am to return more often to the site now

Kindest regards

Aunty zeon xxxx

[Bowyn Aerrow]

Am i better for the forum as a agony aunt or a support worker for any members who are diagnosed with HIV?

Honestly, you were just diagnosed, you are no where ready to be a support worker for HIV, not until you clear up a lot of the stuff that is on your plate and deal with the attending emotions.

I lived with an HIV+ person for 13 years, and he still has his 'bad days' and still thinks he is going to die tomorrow at times. It plays a number on your head and continues to pop up here and there in your life for the rest of your life.

This is a serious, life changing disease, one that will leave a profound impact not so much on your body but on your mind and heart.

With the modern medicines lots of Pos guys are living a 'normal' physical life. With high t-cell counts and viral loads so low as to be nearly undetectable. These modern pills means you can live a full span of life.

But - there are attending psychological issues. Such as if you care enough about people to where you do not want to infect a negative person. Yeah sure, right now you may be thinking 'no big deal, we will wear condoms'. However if you sit there and think about it you know condoms can fail. That one in a million failure will weight heavily on your mind.

Its good you have a positive partner, the fear of infecting him will not be present, and he most likely has been exactly where you are on so many things and situations regarding your mental/emotional take on this. Let him help you.

Its a complicated situation now. I would strongly suggest you get mental/emotional counseling to work through as much of the attending emotional/mental aspects of being positive as you can.

Until you have lived with the virus for a few years, instead of being a support worker, allow yourself to be one of the supported. Get a real idea on how to handle this particular bull, get a good grip on it for yourself.

There is no shame in getting help there Z. We all need a bit of help from time to time.

The best I can do for you is give you an electronic big hug

[trywait]

[Miles]

I'm so sorry to hear about this zeon. You are loved and you matter.

[Genersis]

:frown:
I don't really have any advise to add to what Bowyn has said already.
Just try to stay pos...err, I mean optimistic Zeon.(Sorry, :redface

[Counselor]

I agree with Bowyn: until you've come to the point where you feel your life has normalized (and you're answering phone calls from concerned family and friends) you should keep on learning about how this is going to affect your daily life and future and become accustomed to it and okay with it before giving advice. (It would not do well to tell a newly-diagnosed person how terrible you feel at the moment)

Much love, Zeon, and look forward.

[zeon]

Cheers guys for the worda. I got up this morning n feel ok in myself as though im returning.. i will b bk just clearing my mind first n carry on so b back soon xx also trying t convince my ex t get tested as i think he may have passed it on unknowlglt

[Geminize]

Wow Z. Thanks for sharing here. I think there could be value in newly infected people sharing together, and I'm glad you have interest in being a support to others. You may want to seek out a pos support worker yourself. Talking with your boyfriend (who sounds wonderful) and your family is also important.

I hope you are able to convince your ex to get tested. I hope everyone reading this gets themselves tested regularly. It's a matter of being responsible to yourself and any sexual partners you have. I have only shared my bed with one guy for the past 5 months, and we both plan to get tested again soon.

[George]

Well i really dont have a lot to say just me strong and brave as you are now and that you stand as a lesson for all of us!!!

[HomeagainNYC]

Am i better for the forum as a agony aunt or a support worker for any members who are diagnosed with HIV?

In my opinion there is no reason you should not be both; you just need to get your timing in order.

You have just received - a major life curve. The best way I know of to become a teacher, is to be a student first.

You already have a handle on Agony Aunt, now you need time to get a - handle - on this news as well. As you continue to be Agony Aunt, you will be learning and adapting to being HIV +. Zeon, it's going to take time to find your footing again.

The more you participate and learn about your own mental and physical health, the more control you take back of your life. The more of your life you control again, the more you set the expectation for yourself and others, of just how you want your life to be lived now.

We all come to things differently, and only you will know when the time is right for you to become and HIV+ advocate/support worker.

My heart is with you on your journey.