I'm disgusted by only sleeping with unattractive guys

[andy]

A young guy in his 20s says he can’t stop sleeping with guys who he finds physically repulsive and he isn’t sure why, so he’s seeking wisdom from Pamela Stephenson Connolly over at the Guardian.

“I am a 20-year-old gay man and my sex life is bringing my mood down,” he writes. “I tend to meet guys to whom I am not attracted physically or in any other way.”

That certainly doesn’t sound enjoyable!

“I feel that I do this because I am scared to be validated and judged by someone who I do find attractive,” he continues. “Doing this makes me think less about sex; I don’t feel good afterwards and it is reducing my sex drive.”

Obviously, if he feels this way, he should probably stop. And he certainly has the power to do so. But, for some reason, he can’t.

He admits, “I simply can’t bring myself to meet someone I do find attractive. I think I am sabotaging myself subconsciously, and that’s why I go for guys I find unattractive.”

In her response, Connolly tells him that he deserves a partner who he finds attractive and who can satisfy his sexual needs.

“You deserve to feel safe and confident in your sexuality, and to have partners with whom you can truly enjoy sex,” she writes, adding that he’s still “very young” and so it’s OK if he wants to “experiment with different kinds of people and situations.”

But not if doing so makes him feel disgusted or ashamed or causes him to hate himself.

“You do not like the way you’re going about things, so change,” she says. “Never bypass your distaste with someone to have sex with them; just walk away.”

Connolly then encourages him to dig deep and try to figure out the root of his self-loathing.

“Try approaching this formative time of sexual discovery as more of an attempt to form genuine personal connections with other men”“which may, or may not, lead to sex after you get to know them,” she says.

“Eventually, you will have achieved enough self-confidence and self-appreciation to be able to summon true desire and act on it.”

What advice do you have for him?

[InbetweenDreams]

@andy and I bet he's a really attractive guy....that would be my guess. Although I supposed all that is subjective anyway.

I feel that I do this because I am scared to be validated and judged by someone who I do find attractive..."

So is he worried about being judged by his physical appearance by someone he finds attractive? I don't know why it would matter otherwise. Going with that assumption that this is all physical, I get it. I'll be honest I am very suspect when a guy who is way out of my league hits me up. Like what do you really want from me? It's not that I simply lack self-confidence although I could use a little more. I just feel I know where I stand most of the time. I do think he just needs to mature up a little more, we all hate being rejected, we all hate being judged by how we look. I went on and on in another thread about all my problems and why I feel I'm an undatable, unlovable piece of garbage. I don't feel like that all the time, but at times it is difficult to see the value in yourself. The dating world has gone completely visual which is unfortunate...or I should say good and bad. I think we miss out on really getting to know a person and putting far too much value in the superficial.

[eastofeden]

I automatically think he is assigning his own traits to other people - meaning - he must be extremely judgmental himself to deem so many other men "unattractive".

I think he is afraid of meeting someone like himself that will do the same thing to him

[andy]

I know... unfortunately, in this time of smartphone cameras and mobile apps there's very little getting away from the superficial thing.  20 somethings were brought up with them as well as the Instagram/FB/TikTok image obsessions and think they're the norm now. I think getting to know someone with similar interests/hobbies/likes/viewpoints/aspirations is a good start as they will have a lot in common and aren't just after a quickie! Sadly too many guys are just after quick fun... one night stands! etc.

I thought that too... it's a power/insecurity thing and he fears being judged or rejected in the same way he treats the others.  When the tables are turned he doesn't like it!

[eastofeden]

In my 20s when I was behind the bar I HATED IT when anyone complimented my looks. I was not "taking it as a compliment" - I wanted to take a bath instead.

The first response I remember coming up with that was GENUINE to who I am was "Gee thanks - I will let my mom's egg and my dad's sperm know you approve of them". I eased up a bit on the response over the years but truthfully - I wanted to tell them off because it is NOT FUN being objectified.

I did have crushes on guys - always about vibe - never about looks but when I liked the vibe I also liked the looks BECAUSE I liked the vibe. I had alot of critics though that thought I was full of shit or lying but I secretly kinda liked it. The guys I was "in crush" with saw me - who I am - and I find that trait appealing to this day. I have been with my husband for 34 years and I think he is the most beautiful man in the world - and I chose him and stayed with him for the right reasons which are MY reasons.

For my critics - living well is the best revenge they say but I don't care about revenge. I was true to myself and it did pay off which is why I give that advice to people quite frequently.

[InbetweenDreams]

@eastofeden Sadly, I think most people seek to be objectified (positively) as a means of approval, especially those with low self-esteem. I kind was there for a long time and I'm still sort of dealing with that to some extent. I suppose that unfortunately most people judge someone by their looks before their character when it should be the other way around. I mean I think it's fine to tell someone they're handsome but saying they have a sweet ass and other expletives is merely for flattery and objectification. However, I never worked as a bartender but I can see how that shit gets old really quick.

I have had a few crushes...last time I kind of went off the rails. There was a lot to do with vibe and don't get me wrong I did think he was handsome. Vibes are a big thing, I have seen, met, talked to a lot of guys who I thought were handsome...but the vibe was a big thing and I really did like him, but we all know I fubar'd that really good. I'm not the brightest bulb on the tree but I think any communication on my part would not be welcomed. On the flip side I met one guy who again, thought he was handsome and all but the vibes were bad...really bad. He didn't really do anything but I had this awful feeling about him, particularly when I found out he had a boyfriend and that they wanted to come over out of the blue. I blocked him immediately after that. Can't explain it, but something was off.

I'm definitely not perfect by any stretch of the imagination, and I try do focus less on "are they cute?" "are they sexy?" and so on...I'm really trying to connect with people more because looks fade away. I don't think I'm quite as good looking as I was 5 years ago (although the beard helps lol)...it is what it is. At any rate, I try to be kind to everyone. I said try lol