need some solid advice...

[startnover]

Hi,

Really need some advice. I was in a relationship with my partner for almost 15 years. Over the last year of our relationship, things really started to fall apart. I found out he was playing around with other guys...one of them a good friend of mine...sometimes in our house after I had gone to bed. My partner told me that it meant nothing...that it was just drunken messing around. The problem is, he hadn't touched me in months. I have had issues with depression, so my sex drive wasn't as high as it has been...however, he told me he understood and was there for me. Anyway, after I found out about his "extracurriculars", he told me he wanted an open relationship. I did not want this, but I did not want to lose him, my home, my dog or my life...so I agreed to try it. Things started to get worse. He began pulling me aside when we were out at the bars to tell me I had to find somewhere else to sleep that night as he was bringing someone home. This hurt and frustrated me...I didn't know what to do. Then one day, out of the blue, this guy I had done some theatre with came back into my life. After a very short amount of time, we fell hard for each other. We had a ton in common and he really made me feel loved, attractive and special. So..after a great deal of soul searching, I decided this was the kind of relationship I wanted. I sat my partner of 15 years down and told him I had met this guy and that we had feelings for each other and that I wanted to be with him. He was surprised, but not upset. He told me I could stay in our house as long as I wanted and that we would figure out everything. So, now that I had made the decision to be with this new guy, there were a lot of things to sort out. I decided to move out to be with my new guy. However, the new guy demanded that I cut all ties with my ex...no going over to the house...no visiting my dog. Nothing. For a good 6 months. I had a very hard time with that and we had a couple of arguments about it. Then, he decides that he and I need 3 months of no contact...to give me time to sort out my feelings. So, he disappeared 3 months ago. During this time, my ex began dating an old bf of mine, and now is seeing someone new. He has the house, my dog, all the friends and I feel like I have lost everything. I'm staying at a friends house until I can afford an apartment (which I hope will be soon). Everytime I see my ex with our old friends and his new bf, its like a punch to the gut. I can't eat...I can't sleep...I feel sick. I just don't know how to get past this and move on with my life. I would love to hear anyone's thoughts on this. Thank you for reading!!

[Counselor]

Your new guy sounds jealous and controlling. He needs to understand that you've uprooted your life to be with you and appreciate that you are with him by CHOICE, not because he has laid a mandate or ultimatum.

[Bowyn Aerrow]

I hear your side, but I have to wonder at your new BF's side.

"Demanding" 3 months off seems pretty steep, kind of irrational unless there is more going on here which you are not telling us?

15 years, you were what 20-21? I have to wonder how profound an impact those 15 years had on your life and wonder just how attached you still are to the idea of the old BF.

Its hard to sweep 15 years under the rug.... Perhaps your attitude, expressed thoughts or something else has the new BF thinking you are not fully over the old BF and ready to move on to a new relationship?

[Aeneas]

and this is why open relationships do not work. they just get out of hand too quick. i flip if i even see my BF in a dating site, or flirting with someone whom i dont know and trust.

you see this is why gays are such deplorable creatures - in general terms (and i am gay). only they could have invented the notion of "open relationships". accidents can and most likely will happen, but there is no such thing as an "open relationship". its a contradiction of terms.

your first mistake was allowing this nonsense. your second mistake is being dependent on your BF.



i have had an issue similar to this once. for a short period of time i was unable to satisfy my BF sexually (it lasted for a month or so until i fully recovered). i felt so insecure it was as if i were a woman with breast cancer. he said he would support me but it was then i found him fooling around in dating sites.


now your BF, by what you describe here, is a major jerk. you would think after 15 years together he would at least show you some respect.


yet, lets think about this in logical terms. forget about the details. say you guys broke up. say the magic just wasnt there. it happens to the best of families. what were your plans for that? heck he even gave you a warning this was heading that way. and you never saw it coming?

what can you do now? if you have all these friends in common, my advice to you is to try and keep it civil between you and your BF. remain friends if at all possible. it will make it easier to see the friends you still have in common. your BF does not appear to be neither angry or resentful at the fact you are seeing other people. this is a plus - not for your wounded heart but a plus in practical terms.

you need to move out of there asap. if its too expensive for you try and find a roommate to share. old friends, new people in town who are looking to share... there are sites that can help. you need to remain strong here. you were the one who was screwed. if you can share, all the better. you wont feel so lonely, and it will be cheaper.

as for your future boyfriends... you will need to decide here. it is OK to be honest about who is who in your life and be honest about your ex BF. but new BF, dont like old BF. your new friend was a tad insensitive but you cant blame him for wanting nothing to do with this major soap opera. and if you are dating him, you are kinda part of his life... so i would not tell your new BFs about your old one. not until you feel completely secure in your relationship and trust with them.


your relationship with your new BF did not work because you werent ready for it yet. you were living two lives.
good luck.

[LateBloomer]

and this is why open relationships do not work. they just get out of hand too quick. i flip if i even see my BF in a dating site, or flirting with someone whom i dont know and trust.

you see this is why gays are such deplorable creatures - in general terms (and i am gay). only they could have invented the notion of "open relationships". accidents can and most likely will happen, but there is no such thing as an "open relationship". its a contradiction of terms.

your first mistake was allowing this nonsense. your second mistake is being dependent on your BF.



i have had an issue similar to this once. for a short period of time i was unable to satisfy my BF sexually (it lasted for a month or so until i fully recovered). i felt so insecure it was as if i were a woman with breast cancer. he said he would support me but it was then i found him fooling around in dating sites.


now your BF, by what you describe here, is a major jerk. you would think after 15 years together he would at least show you some respect.


yet, lets think about this in logical terms. forget about the details. say you guys broke up. say the magic just wasnt there. it happens to the best of families. what were your plans for that? heck he even gave you a warning this was heading that way. and you never saw it coming?

what can you do now? if you have all these friends in common, my advice to you is to try and keep it civil between you and your BF. remain friends if at all possible. it will make it easier to see the friends you still have in common. your BF does not appear to be neither angry or resentful at the fact you are seeing other people. this is a plus - not for your wounded heart but a plus in practical terms.

you need to move out of there asap. if its too expensive for you try and find a roommate to share. old friends, new people in town who are looking to share... there are sites that can help. you need to remain strong here. you were the one who was screwed. if you can share, all the better. you wont feel so lonely, and it will be cheaper.

as for your future boyfriends... you will need to decide here. it is OK to be honest about who is who in your life and be honest about your ex BF. but new BF, dont like old BF. your new friend was a tad insensitive but you cant blame him for wanting nothing to do with this major soap opera. and if you are dating him, you are kinda part of his life... so i would not tell your new BFs about your old one. not until you feel completely secure in your relationship and trust with them.


your relationship with your new BF did not work because you werent ready for it yet. you were living two lives.
good luck.

I agree and disagree with parts of this post, but I think the last sentence is spot on.

Getting out of a 15 year relationship would seem to require a "transitional period". I think the OP needs time to establish a life (identity) of his own first before he gets involved in another relationship.

I also wish good luck.

[startnover]

Thanks for all the great responses, guys! I actually got a call from the new guy last night
We talked for a good hour...the long and short of the conversation was that he feels he's not emotionally stable enough to be in a relationship right now. Which I agreed with...and also feel the same about myself. I decided I need time to get my life in order and make plans for my new future. Am I still sad and lonely, yes...but I have faith that it will get better. Thanks again for your thoughts on my situation! :-)

[MisterTinkles]

Deja Vu.

I feel Ive seen this post before........

[HomeagainNYC]

Well it seem you got closure on two fronts - your ex of 15 years and your new BF. It would seem to me that this is a good thing for you. You will now have time to re-discover yourself and what you are looking for, with out jumping through someone else hoops.

Take your time - get on your feet, at your own pace - find an apartment when you can and reorder your life to suite you.

Being sad and lonely comes with this particular type of life event; even though, some days it feels like it - just remember you won't feel that way forever.

[gilhooly]

Your name says it all. Everyone has been in the position of starting over. I just retired and am bored out of my mind. I need a part time job or interesting volunteer work. my problem is I can't drive anymore. Type 2 diabetes turned my feet to wood.

Good luck. Start over.. That is all there is. Be careful with depression, it can lead to thoughts of suicide. Get help immediately if you feel like death seems like a good idea. Death should find you with a big grin on your face, not a frown or a look of despair.

[Rainbowmum]

15 years is a huge amount of time , you grew up together.
If people are in a committed monogamous relationship and suddenly want an open one , they are basically made up their mind that they want to cheat legally.

I fear with the new boyfriend it is a case of out of the frying pan into the fire, which is often the case with rebound relationships.

You need time to yourself discover who you have become ,rather than have someone order you around because of their insecurities.

Once ultimatums enter a relationship trust is out the window, and emotional blackmail enters.
I know it can be extremely hard to be alone for a while , but if you are going to find yourself , the new you , you need time to reflect and change things you do not like.

The time you take out to rediscover yourself and be independent will strengthen any relationship in the future .

As the old saying goes love yourself before you love another.
Never become someones doormat , you deserve much better and once you appreciate and respect yourself , you will never let someone disrespect you like that again.