Is he? Am I? F*ck.

[Liam]

Hi guys,

I'm new to the website, and I've thought I could ask you for advice. Please don't care about the title, I just couldn't think of a better one, considering my situation.

Well, I'm a fresher in college, and there is this guy in my classroom... I'll just call him Dan. He failed most of the subjects last semester, so he is studying with me.

The thing is, I think I might be attracted to him. And I think he likes me too. I'm bi, I'm not out of the closet and I don't show my gay side at all, so I really don't know how to act when he is around.
He acts a bit foolish when I'm around him, like he didn't know how to approach me, so he tries to make jokes about me or even laugh at me for no reason. He did run his hand through my hair before we headed home one day, but I don't know if this is just the way he is with people... Because one day I was studying with his friends in class when he approached a girl (a hot one) and one of his friends said "I don't know what Dan does to make girls like him so much. Maybe it's because they think he is gay".
I just tried not to look shocked when I heard this. I was so sure we had a "thing" going on, and he is the first guy I'm willing to come out of the closet for.
We all went to a party together the next day, and I was going for him that night. I needed to know, and I wanted to at least try. I just waited for him to get drunk enough so I could ask him, but I was so nervous that I got too drunk too (that damn Jägermeister). I texted and called him 4 or 3 times that night, and I can't remember anything (he does make fun of me for this).

Guys, I don't know what to do... I don't know what to think... I'm confused, and I just can't stop thinking about him. My college is throwing a party in April, and I need to get my head straight by then. Who knows what will happen, right?

Thank you!

[Corsac]

Unfortunately I can't offer much advice on how to get your head sorted, but you need to let "Dan" come out in his own time if he is gay or bi. Also in these times many straight people have emulated some of the behaviours of gay men in the way they act, society has become more relaxed about this sort of stuff so please don't make any assumptions now.

[VileKyle]

I can't help out much either since I have some of the same problems. I will say that making any choices while either of you are drinking is a bad idea though.

[Liam]

Thanks for the reply.
I know straight men have emulated some gay behaviours, but my friends act like this with me. Bromance and stuff. Dan takes this to a whole new level...

I'm trying not to make any assumptions about this, but it's really tough. I can't get that "what if" thought out of my head.

Yeah, getting drunk was probably a horrible idea, but it's the only way I can find to get enough balls to talk about it

[Corsac]

That's all you have at the moment, "what if". Also you're not out of the closet so its best you become comfortable with yourself (meaning enough to be out and whatnot) before you start pursuing any sort of relationship with another guy or showing feelings. That's just my opinion though.

Getting drunk to get answers too can be more troublesome should it go wrong, you need to be in a state where you can control what you say and do around Dan.

[Bowyn Aerrow]

He, just like you, is straight.

Yes I know, you claim to bi-sexual here for us, but what in your life are you saying each and every day you hide in that closet?

You are saying "I'm straight".

How would you feel if someone walked up to you an insinuated that you were acting all gay by asking point blank "Are you gay?"

Yeah you would suddenly be very conscious of all your behaviors and think that the person was accusing you of acting gay.

I bet that that is exactly where he is.

Your best bet is to come out to him let him know that you are 'safe' and see what unfolds from there.

I have noticed that males of the 20 something set are all acting 'queer' - all softer and more effeminate, even a few lisps and weak wrists with 'straight' guys. So its getting harder to tell who is who. I assume that 'masculinity' is being redefined and that not everyone is suddenly becoming bi or gay.

It is, therefore, very possible that he is straight and has no interest in guys.

Expect the conversation if he is gay but in the closet to go something like this:

You: I'm bi.
Him: Oh no, dude your kidding me!
You: No, seriously I'm bi.
Him: but you don't look gay
You: Gay doesn't really have a look.
Him: Honestly - your really bi?
You: Yeah, I wouldn't say it if it wasn't so.

Him: Ok... sure... your bi......

Then will come a longish period of time for him to figure out that you really are bi.

He is going to suspect that you are setting him up to come out, so you can harm him. So don't expect him to say 'oh that's cool I'm bi/gay!' - expect him to spend a lot of time thinking and even throwing 'odd' questions now and again to 'test the waters.'

DO NOT suggest that anything he has done tells you he is potentially gay/bi or he will (if in the closet out of fear) clam up, shut down and walk away and never look back.

Later - 2-5 days after your initial 'confession' if he hasn't believed you you can say something like 'you are one of the hottest guys on campus.... I wish you were bi/gay.'

That is far safer, even complementary and it makes the assumption that he is straight, thus doesn't blow his cover.

Take it slow, aim for friendship with him, even tell him you want to be 'just friends' even if he can't date you. You are cool with being 'just friends'.

If he is closeted and bi/gay eventually you will earn his trust by being a friend first.

[Liam]

I know I need to get comfortable first, but I'm scared. I'm still trying to fit in in college, and I don't know how people would act if I told them... I haven't even told my parents about it.
The only person that knows is my friend, and she is the person I trust most. She has gay/bi friends, but she isn't really over the shock, and I've told her about it six months ago. I'm afraid that's how people will act.

You guys are out of the closet, so you know what situation I'm in.

[Corsac]

Yes I'm out of the closet, and I was sure when I came out of the closet that I would be able to take everything that came with it, good or bad.

I don't know your situation, even if you typed it all here I still wouldn't know because I can't physically see it. One question you need to ask yourself is why others opinions on your sexuality should matter, they don't live your life for you and should have no control over it in any way. If your friends take it the wrong way if you ever tell them then they're not any friend that you'd want to keep.

[pellaz]

go for a beer of ask him out for a coffee, tell him your gay, ask him if it would freak him out?

why are you not out, would be easier if people knew your thoughts on dating up front.

[Liam]

If your friends take it the wrong way if you ever tell them then they're not any friend that you'd want to keep.

thanks for the advice, Corsac. I wish I had your courage. I will, someday