need advice on being on 'break'

[tetractys]

Hey everyone, if you could give me some advice on a few things I'd really appreciate it.

Two months ago my boyfriend and I went on break (we'd been dating about 4-5 months) because he was going to a new university next semester and I was to be studying abroad, so we knew it'd be hard to see each other for a long, long time. It's been difficult moving on because we still care so much about each other and talk at least every other day.

I feel terrible because I've been very physical with another guy here at my university abroad, and I also hooked up with someone (not slept with), and when I think about it I feel really really guilty even though my ex and I are on 'break.' It's just difficult and confusing when we still talk every day and lately he's been flirty with me again (we tried to stop 'talking like boyfriends do' to each other to make moving apart from one another easier, but it hasn't exactly worked).

Anyway, like I said, I feel incredibly guilty about this and I need advice. Do you think I was wrong and deserve this guilt? Do you think I need to tell him what happened if we start getting closer? I really need some outside input.

[EvenOlderButWiser]

Guilt is natural for some people in your situation, and there is nothing wrong with that. But what you really need to both ask yourself is whether the relationship is actually over and its time for you to both move on.

The emotional link to your bf is still very much there, and thats being reinforced every time you pick up the phone and talk. At this stage I wouldn't be inclined to come clean and tell him everything. What I would do is talk to each other about what being on a break means, including meeting new people and what is and what isn't acceptable.

Maintaining an LDR at your ages, and after you've previously been close is incredibly difficult, and you need to have a discussion around the pro's and con's of trying to maintain that while your both in an environment, that lets face it, is pretty intense when it comes to relationships.

Good luck!

ObW
X

[Bowyn Aerrow]

Personally I wouldn't put myself in this position.

But then I know I become overly attached to a person and that such long distance communication would tear me apart inside.

I wouldn't even stand looking at the 'cuddling' thread if I'm in that place, it would hurt too much.

If you hold with astrological signs, I have found that we bulls may not be overly expressive in our emotions, but we feel very deeply and have strong connections with our 'people' (family/friends/lovers) and tend to be more 'strict monogamy' with our hearts - such as in your case being with another fellow (although not sexually) feels very much like you are cheating because your heart is 'invested' in this other fellow.

As Olderbutwiser said, your emotional link is being strengthened each time you talk to the BF.

I doubt you are the type who can break up and be 'just friends' with a person - at least in the short term. You most likely need alone time to reinforce that you are single and to completely sever those emotional ties. That last takes a bit of time.

LDR usually do not work out well for couples. Humans evolved in an environment of close personal contact with their mate. All of this technology may make it possible for us to instantly talk to one another, but it doesn't sit well with how we evolved to be 'right there' with our mate.

If it was me, I would enjoy the time we had together (face to face) and if he is going to be cone for several years I would severe the relationship on a permanent basis - yes end the relationship.

But then I know I can't 'do' LDR at all, and I know that the consequences is a lot more pain that I deserve to be put through.

Besides you have this side dish which tells me that on one level you are already seeking to move on. Currently you are unable to commit to him, and I would assume he has plans on connecting with you.

And that is another position I would never put myself in. I know that no man can serve to masters (Biblical reference there not BDSM reference).

Matthew 6:24

"No one can serve two masters. For you will hate one and love the other; you will be devoted to one and despise the other. You cannot serve both God and money. (NLT)

While this may not seem wholly appropriate here, the reality is that no man can love two people equally and we end up loving one less than the other, or in the case of the monogamy minded individuals we end up hating one and loving the other.

Part of this is the guilt you will feel. Humans tend not to do guilt very well and usually try to lay it on an outside source (not on self) so one of these guys will become the 'fall guy' in your mind and you will end up seeing his faults and 'blaming him'.

If I did my counting correctly there is the guy who are physical with, another who you hooked up with (not sexually) and the soon to be LDR fella.

That is three masters - you have a head ache and a half here.

The best advice (you ain't gonna like it) is to dissolve the relationship with all three, take a few months to figure out who YOU are as an individual, and figure out which one would suit your needs as a potential mate.

You won't do that... but it is the best advice and the best thing you can do for yourself.

If you don't, you are going to end up with a big steamy pile of messes, and may fall into the endless revolving door policy of relationship after relationship without ever actually working on yourself and resolving issues that each love affair brings with it.

[Genersis]

...
While this may not seem wholly appropriate here...

I don't know about appropriate, but I wasn't expecting a passage from the New Living Translation.:tongue:

[jimbopdxus]

Okay, telling your USA partner will not work. But what is wrong with a frank and honest discussion with your "schoolmate". Does he know that this is a temporary situation and that you are completely devoted to your USA boyfriend and will be going back to him when you are done? Everyone has a lot to lose here so it is dangerous. Emotional pain is usually worse than physical pain.

[BobInTampa]

I hate to be the bearer of bad tidings, but I think in a few months we'll read a post from you asking advice on what to do about your "boyfriend abroad" who suddenly stopped calling, texting and emailing every day and seems more and more distant when you DO talk." Add to that, you'll be the one in your dorm room waiting for the phone to ring and constantly clicking the "refresh" button on your facebook and email hoping to hear from him.

You say this is a "break" and not a breakup - and that may be the case in both your minds, but absence dosn't always guarantee that your "hearts will grow fonder." You've already confessed to messing around with a guy so, actually, you've started moving on and are dealing with that guilt - not really admitting to yourself that your "ex" may have done the exact same thing.

Since you are studying abroad, and that will be more than 1 semester, then you should really just start mentally preparing yourself (and be open to) meeting new guy friends - and some fun, safe sex. You are in college. This is your time to focus on getting your education and setting the foundation for your professional and financial future. Pining about your ex, dealing wtih guilt (even tho it's natrual) is more a distraction than helping you stay focused on what's important right now - SCHOOL!

Have fun. Stay focused. Stay in contact wtih your ex, but don't cling so tightly on a "fantasy" that you miss opportunities that WILL present themselves to you while you're at school - and these opportunities may be personal, educational and/or professional.

hope this helps!

[pellaz]

...
Do you think I was wrong and deserve this guilt?
YES, dont even consider doing this again in your life. It is serious. Unless you would like it done to you and yes he might also be cheating. How would you handle That? Its very easy to adjust your personal standards and be truthful to those you say you love. How to do it, start respecting your self.

Do you think I need to tell him what happened if we start getting closer?
NO, the deed is done

------------------------

[Aeneas]

Hey everyone, if you could give me some advice on a few things I'd really appreciate it.

Two months ago my boyfriend and I went on break (we'd been dating about 4-5 months) because he was going to a new university next semester and I was to be studying abroad, so we knew it'd be hard to see each other for a long, long time. It's been difficult moving on because we still care so much about each other and talk at least every other day.

I feel terrible because I've been very physical with another guy here at my university abroad, and I also hooked up with someone (not slept with), and when I think about it I feel really really guilty even though my ex and I are on 'break.' It's just difficult and confusing when we still talk every day and lately he's been flirty with me again (we tried to stop 'talking like boyfriends do' to each other to make moving apart from one another easier, but it hasn't exactly worked).

Anyway, like I said, I feel incredibly guilty about this and I need advice. Do you think I was wrong and deserve this guilt? Do you think I need to tell him what happened if we start getting closer? I really need some outside input.

your adventures abroad have served to prove just how much you care for your BF. you must see them as god send and as a clear sign of where your heart really lies.



and absolutely NOT. you should NOT under any circumstances tell him of your sexual experiences with other people. NOT even if he asks.

Oscar Wilde teaches us here: "a little sincerity is a dangerous thing, and a great deal of it is absolutely fatal".

[Counselor]

Do you think I was wrong and deserve this guilt?

Guilt is something only you can deal with. In these circumstances, I would say I would feel the same way, but get over it eventually. Since your relationship is sort of benched at the moment, I wouldn't condemn your actions. (I've been in this position, and I understand how uncomfortable it can be)

Do you think I need to tell him what happened if we start getting closer?

This is something you need to decide. When I went through something uncannily similar, I did tell, since I value honesty, and I don't base my friendships and relationships on who can tell the most lavish and elegant lies. The person I was returning to didn't have much of a problem with it, and while they were a little hurt and jealous at first, they got over it.

^THIS IS MY OWN EXPERIENCE, with my personal relationship. I don't know how your relationship functions, so I can't judge how you should act, and using my experience as a template may be a mistake in your case.

Use your discretion.

[Rainbowmum]

The way I see it ,you have nothing to feel guilty about.
What happens while you have been split up is your business, it would be a different story if you both defined the rules of your split.