This "joe" guy must be stopped before someone gets really hurt. (I was "frank" when I was 14, so I know what he is going through.)
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Just because age of consent is 16 doesn't necessarily mean the sex is legal in this case. In Canada the alcohol factor could make this exploitation of a minor in the same category as child prostitution or filming child pornography with a minor between the age of consent and 18. Though I don't know if similar provisions exist in NZ law.
I don't think it is necessarily the right thing for you to report this on your own rather than convincing Frank to do so of his own volition if he feels like he has been assaulted. The right course is for Frank to make a report to the police.
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I think you really need to Frank. He needs support more than you pushing him towards doing something he's not ready to do yet. Speaking from personal experience he may not be ready to talk to the police about it. A good friend may be just what he needs to get the strength he needs to deal with this.
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I read this hours ago and immediately logged off. Over thirty years ago, when I was just coming out, I went to a bar. A guy who I had met a couple times before was there. He had hit on me before and I had declined. That night he bought me a drink. Before I even finished that one drink I was in a stupor. I vaguely remember being led out to his car and driven to his house with his friends. The last thing I remember was being stripped and raped. I passed out from whatever drug he had given me and from the pain of the rape itself. When I came to, I found myself (still dazed) in a bedroom. I found a bathroom and promptly threw up. Then I got dressed and went down some stairs. The guy and his four friends were laughing and jeering at me. They laughed about how they had all fucked me. I was still numb and dazed, but I left, got to a phone and called a cab.
I have never told this story to anyone except for my therapist, until now. It was something I have always kept deeply hidden. I haven't even told my partner as much as what I have written here. Even when I told my old therapist, she noted that I completely disassociated during the recounting of the events. (I stared off into space instead of meeting her eyes) For years, this event has been with me. My therapist felt that part of my sexual fulfillment from situations of dominating or being dominated might stem from that one incident. I don't know.
Now, all these years later, I was brought to tears by this post. Frank's experience is unfortunately not unfamiliar to many of us. Male rape is still treated as a joke in most Western societies. It profoundly and irreversibly affects the psyche, especially for someone who is only sixteen.
I hope that you can convince "Frank" to report this crime. It is the right thing to do. But if he is not ready, please don't push him too hard. Please be there for him, support him, maintain his privacy, and be a friend like you have never been before. He will need it.
Over thirty years ago, I was too ashamed by what had happened. I had not developed a network of friends yet. I felt alone in this. And because of that, because of the fear and shame that I felt, I never reported the five guys who raped me that night. To this day, it gnaws at me, the question; "What if they did that to some other kid after me?" If I had had even one friend to talk to, it might have made a difference. So please, please, please be that friend for Frank. At the very least ne needs to get some counseling. He should also see a doctor. If he's not ready to report this rape, then be ready to support him in that decision.
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Rape is a serious accusation. A wrongful accusation here could ruin an 'innocent' man's life.
Rape and Rapist are loaded words.
I'm going to play the Devil's advocate here and not assume right off that this is rape.
Mind you I have been held down and raped, I have also been drugged on purpose with the intent of sex being the end goal. Rape is a pretty violent thing and has the intent of causing harm and using sex as a means of having power over a person. I have been in an out of therapy rooms dealing with this sort of stuff in my life. Rape has a certain flavor, a willingness to take from a person something.
From what little you said this sounds like it could be a series of stupid mistakes that lead to sex happening and it wasn't intentional coercion.
It is not uncommon for a night of alcohol to lead to 'regretful sex' and a person will accuse another of 'taking advantage' while the person is drunk. I have known guys who were all into getting drunk and then wanting to have sex with another guy thus relieving themselves of the responsibility of their actions. They could blame the alcohol and be 'absolved' of their actions.
"Straight" guys who have issues with their homosexuality are more prone to drunk sex and allowing themselves to be 'used' while drunk. Is frank dealing with his sexuality and the potential issues of struggling with coming out? If so he may have willfully gone down this road knowing where it would lead.
Are you absolutely certain that Frank was actually raped, or is Frank just trying to cover his own butt here after allowing himself to go down this road and regretting where it took him?
I'm not condoning any of the activity here, however I know 23 year olds are stupid and do stupid things, such as buying minors beer (I did that a lot when I was in my 20's).
Both may have been drunk and things got out of hand... It may never have been the intent of Joe to coerce sex from Frank. Sex is just the unfortunate end to an evening of too many drinks.
Just because Frank is 16 doesn't necessarily mean he is all good and innocent, there are plenty of teens who willfully do lots of things such as drinking, doing drugs, having sex, watching porn, etc... 16 year olds can be real good at wearing an 'innocent' mask when in reality they are far from innocent. Are you absolutely certain, without a doubt that Frank is innocent here?
If you feel it is remotely possible that Frank egged this on in any way, then you need to drop the Rape word out of this and look at it as a teen who willfully engaged in activities with a fair idea of where things would lead.
Again I'm not saying its 'right' or that this what wholly legal - I'm just cautioning you to not jump on the 'rape' band wagon and start tearing apart the 23 year old until you have all the facts here.
It is a serious accusation and thus far you appear to have only one side of this story.
Unfortunately alcohol was involved, however we all know that oceans of alcohol are used to ply open the legs of potential mates - thus we have bars for the sole purpose of liquoring up potential sex partners and people waking up the next morning, turning over and seeing what is in their bed and them saying 'WTF did I do?'
Is it possible that this is Frank's first 'beer goggle' experience and not really rape?
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Josh, all you can do is be there for Frank, be the friend he needs and focus all your energy on helping him and giving him the strength to report the rape and be there with him every step of the way.
The rewards of going round to Joe's and giving him a piece of your mind will pale in comparison to the rewards of helping a friend out in need and being there for him.
Besides, Joe will probably only justify what happened as right because 'He wanted it/asked for it' and this will only make you angrier.
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Friend got raped.
