Beau Wrote:Don't pursue the relationship. If he really did care for you, he'd stay away from you. It may sound cold, but there are plenty of HIV positive people he could be dating. He shouldn't be pursuing a relationship with you. That's just wrong and self centered of him ... a lot of what Beau says here is functional. Nothing like the joy of having to be looking in the rear view mirror all the time while driving the car. you cant love all of gods creations and you may not want the distraction of contracting the disease in your perfect gay relationship.
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I have a good friend who is HIV negative and his boyfriend is positive. It's not a problem for them. They love each other and are careful. He claim the risks are not as bad as you'd think. I personally would not base my decision to date someone on thier HIV status alone.
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I spent the last 12 years of my 14 year relationship with an HIV positive person.
HIV became a third wheel - little stuff usually, such as when he got the cold I wondered if this was the start of end stage. OR each time he had to go and have his meds changed because the last cocktail ceased to work I wondered how many more cocktails would their be before there are no more.
Being Negative, he never wanted sex - well sex with me. His tale of woe is that he was afraid to give me the virus. So I went without sex for a very, very, very long time because you know I was monogamous and all of that other silly crap. Him, oh he met up with lots of guys through the Internets for 'just sex'...
It is my understanding that this scenario is pretty common, the Positive person seeks sexual companionship with other positive people... How does an open relationship sound to you?
He cuts himself and you try to put a band aid on and suddenly he is screaming at you 'Don't touch me!'... While intellectually you know its because he doesn't want you to catch the virus, it feels like major rejection....
Then there is the diarrhea, the occasional vomiting, depression and other wonderful side effects of the cocktail(s)... Switch overs from one cocktail to another can be easy, or it can be super hard as they can do all sorts of interesting things. Think a woman going through menapause is fun to be around.... My ex was a real bitch during the second switch of cocktails which included hot flashes and severe irritability.
You may have the emotional/mental side of it easier. You are 23, thus missed out on the early days of the plague and most likely haven't lost people to the slow, debilitating, humiliating untreated monster that is the virus. I lost my brother, and I made the mistake of working a hospice environment - basically terminal patients are sent home to die alone.
So for me, each time my ex got sick I immediately saw the dozens of sick faces of those I have known personally that passed on by this vicious virus.
Also his attitude may be less severe since he may have missed out on that era as well thus may not have a full grasp of what he potentially faces.
I have vowed to not get involved with anyone who is positive again. I flat refuse to do this all over again. I put up with it for 12 years, I don't have it in me to do all over again.
BEFORE you get involved in a mixed status relationship, I strongly suggest you Google for forums where there are mixed status individuals who discuss their relationship and how HIV affects that relationship.
There may be a bright side to all of this, HIV may become curable in the next decade or so...
Oh and lets not forget, top or bottom if the condom breaks you go through a two week hell ride wondering if you just got killed or not. Even after the sex is gone, you panic and worry every third or sixth month (depending on how often you are tested). this may have changed for you since I do not think they just test antibodies. I was so relieved when the RNA test (which tests for the RNA of the virus, not just your antibodies which can be way off). It took a heavy weight off my mind.
HIV in a mixed status relationship is a third partner. It is an invisible partner and it takes pretty strong individuals to deal with it and live with it.
Again, BEFORE you get involved, seriously Google up those forums, get an idea of where others are before you put yourself there.
Maybe you can do it, maybe you and he can work out the particulars and just deal with it. Then again maybe you can't. I don't know you well enough to make that judgment call for you.
I know myself, and again, I flat refuse to put myself in that situation ever again.
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Bowyn Aerrow, I appreciate your response.... your personal experience is enlightening. But that's just your experience, and your experience alone. I won't base my decision to pursue this beautiful man, on your downfall of a relationship. Medications are much better these days.
He's undetectable, and very healthy. He's on the newest meds which haven't any side effects for him, and sex is not vital in my requirements for a man, but neither is it barred from my interest or his. A condom is a condom is a condom.
I've never encountered such an amazing person in my short time on this earth. He's 18, yet so mature for his age, he's in university, and has his life in order. That's something I can't say for most guys his age. Other than that, we relate on a spiritual level. HIV is a virus, not a death sentence anymore.
I'm sorry things didn't work with your ex who was poz, but it doesn't mean I'm to fall in the same fate.
I'm learning as I go. I've called him back, apologized, and repented my ignorance. I see a possible beautiful future with him. Diabetes kills more people these days than HIV in America. His condition won't kill my desire for him.
Thank you EVERYBODY for your input!
It's highly appreciated :biggrin:
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I dated a guy with H.I.V for about six months and it was one of the nicest relationships I ever had. Three months after we broke up ( he went to the University of Missouri) I got tested for H.I.V and I was fine because we were extremely cautious during safe sex. So I say go for it, and good luck. :tongue:
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I would certainly not rule out meeting and getting to know him in person because of his HIV status. As others have said, there are ways to enjoy being physically intimate without the higher risk of anal sex. Meds have improved for treatment of HIV, but remember -- it is still not curable.
Quote:Originally posted by Beau
There are plenty of HIV positive people he can date with no risk.
This is a common HIV myth. Even two poz people present a risk to each other, as there are different strains of the virus. Being poz makes you more susceptible to other infections. http://www.webmd.com/hiv-aids/top-10-myt...ids?page=2
It's been said before that love conquers all. If you feel moved to form a relationship with an HIV+ partner, get educated. There is a lot of bullshit on the web, so first do your research to find a trusted site. CDC, Mayo Clinic, WebMD, are a good place to start.
Follow your heart, and use your head!
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I'm a lesbian so it is a bit different for me, but if I had found out that my wife was HIV positive when we were dating (or were initially getting to know one another) I would have still continued on in the relationship. We would definitely use protection and take every precaution.
If I were a gay man I think that I would be a bit more hesitant since the odds of contracting the virus between two men is so much greater than between two women. If my potential partner and I could be open-minded about sex acts and their frequency (perhaps by using lots of sex toys with one another, mutual masturbation, etc. and having intercourse less frequently) then I would be open to a relationship with someone who was positive.
Regardless, it would be extremely difficult to be in a relationship with someone with such a serious illness, knowing that they could take a turn for the worst at any time. Something else to think about though, ANYONE that any of us sleep with could be positive, so unless you're completely monogamous and have both been tested it's best to practice safer sex anyway.
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On a personal note, I don't feel that I could ever date or be intimate with someone who had HIV. That may sound cold or whatever, but that's how it is. A friendship.. sure! But date, I highly doubt it.
It's all up to the individual though. Everyone feels differently about it. I just couldn't willingly take the risk.
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Bowyn Aerrow Wrote:I spent the last 12 years of my 14 year relationship with an HIV positive person.
HIV became a third wheel - little stuff usually, such as when he got the cold I wondered if this was the start of end stage. OR each time he had to go and have his meds changed because the last cocktail ceased to work I wondered how many more cocktails would their be before there are no more.
Being Negative, he never wanted sex - well sex with me. His tale of woe is that he was afraid to give me the virus. So I went without sex for a very, very, very long time because you know I was monogamous and all of that other silly crap. Him, oh he met up with lots of guys through the Internets for 'just sex'...
It is my understanding that this scenario is pretty common, the Positive person seeks sexual companionship with other positive people... How does an open relationship sound to you?
You would think that "pos" people would seek out other pos people for this reason, but the reason behind that is, they are scared of dying alone. Someone who is negative, they think, will outlive them and be able to take care of them when they get incapacitated. Its more like having a live in nursemaid than a hubby or lover. Why they dont just advertise for someone to live with them and help take care of them with bills paid is beyond me. Instead, they have to mess up not only thier own lives, but someone elses.....someone who's hoping for love, understanding, and some nookie....but they rarely get it, because these "pos" people are only looking for someone to take care of them, not someone to love.
Im sure there are a few out there who are in it for love and are careful, but they are few.
I think it would be nice to have some sort of gland or future vision, to be able to help us select the right person. Its nauseating knowing that someone would purposely take such a huge part of your life and throw it in the garbage.
I would never ever, EVER condone a "open relationship" for ANY reason. If you want me, then you want ME, period. Straying outside of that with me...well, your taking a gamble getting nuetered.
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Dreamer Wrote:Bowyn Aerrow, I appreciate your response.... your personal experience is enlightening. But that's just your experience, and your experience alone. I won't base my decision to pursue this beautiful man, on your downfall of a relationship. Medications are much better these days.
He's undetectable, and very healthy. He's on the newest meds which haven't any side effects for him, and sex is not vital in my requirements for a man, but neither is it barred from my interest or his. A condom is a condom is a condom.
True. It is my personal experience with HIV. That is why I strongly suggest you find Mixed relationship forums and read up.
https://www.google.com/#hl=en&sclient=ps...55&bih=707 as a start.
Stories of mixed status relationships is found here: https://www.google.com/#hl=en&q=stories+...55&bih=707
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Amazing Guy, But Has HIV
