Confusion, Stress, Cheating, Denial?

[U53I2]

(Sorry for the long post!!!)


I have been in a relationship for nearly 2 years now. When I met my current day boyfriend, he was incredible. He was very laid back. He LOVED to have fun. I love to go out and drink. I'm twenty years old, of course I do. I'm still young, and I know that I need time to emotionally mature. However, he is not the guy I fell in love with anymore. He isn't the same person at all. I've been waiting for a year to get that guy I fell in love with back. I've been waiting and waiting and waiting. He's in there somewhere, but I can't seem to pull him out. I want my old boyfriend back. :/ I don't want what he has evolved into. He's just...not the same.

Unfortunately, my boyfriend has cheated on me three times. I caught all three times. None of them were physical, that I know of. One of them was emotional/"sext"ual. The other two were just nudey pics that I really...got over pretty quickly because he cut ties with those people.

The big blow was the emotional attachment he developed for someone else. He never really struck me as a cheater--ever. I guess that's the surprise everyone gets to look forward to, when something like that happens. What's even more odd, is that these three times of cheating occurred over a period of 3 months and then completely stopped. I tried to pinpoint some kind of reason, but I couldn't.

DON'T GET ME WRONG! He is STILL very loving to me. He wants to be with me. I know that. He gets mad at ME because I'm more distant than he is. He really does put his foot forward in this relationship. I can't even begin to question that. As a person, he is really fantastic. I do not, by any means, want to throw him under the bus. If I wanted to do that, I'd have left by now. I wouldn't want anything to do with him.

My problem is, I have gotten bored. A huge part of me wants to stay with him and be happy. I sincerely love him. I know why I have gotten bored. I know why I have gotten distant. It was that ONE and single time of emotional displacement within our relationship. It was something that really caught me off-guard. However, he can look at me with his big brown eyes and make me forgive him for just about anything. I can't stand to see him cry. I can't stand to see him hurt.

Well, this is where I'm going to throw myself under the bus. I've had a friend for roughly 2 years. I met him when I got into the relationship with my current day boyfriend. For the sake of argument, we will call this friend "Jake." Jake and I hit it off immediately. We are so in sync, on a friendship level, that it's insane. We think alike, complete each others' sentences, and all that cheesy jazz. We are the BEST of friends.

I cheated. I fucked up. I know I fucked up and I fucked up bad. Well, not as bad as I could have. I kissed, Jake. In a moment of pure stupidity and underlying emotions, I kissed the hell out of him. The even more screwed up thing is, I have no regret, but I am still in love with my boyfriend? How the hell am I THIS SPLIT between two people, when I KNOW that I'm going to be devastating my boyfriend, if he finds out. I honestly don't plan on telling him.

This wasn't about me getting even. I've had underlying feelings for "Jake" for a long time. Honestly, I met Jake at the wrong time. Had I met him 2 months prior, I'd probably be with him. I have wanted to do what I did for a LONG time. And not just want, it was something I couldn't stop thinking about, if I was around Jake. Needless to say, it was incredible for me and I enjoyed it. I think it's pretty sick, in the head, of me to actually say that I ENJOYED cheating and STILL have no regret from doing so.

I know I'm bored with my relationship. We don't mesh like we used to. We don't have that spark anymore. It's just SO DULL. I have been a "relationship jumper" since I was 15. My shortest lasting relationship was 2 months and that's because distance severed that relationship. Otherwise, I've hopped from long-term relationship to long-term relationship. I've been single a grand total of about 2 weeks, in the past 5 years. I don't even know who I am anymore. I feel like I'm filling a void with a relationship, that I probably don't want.

Now, I've got, what's pretty damn close to, Mr. Perfect sitting next to me while I'm in a relationship, that I know I don't want to be in, but still want to be in at the same time. I do not want to hurt my boyfriend. Like I said, I can't stand the thought of it. However, I'm already doing it, in a sense. It would honestly be more respectful towards him for me to cut things off. It would also be better for me because I've been living in the world of paranoia that he is going to cheat on me for the past 8 months and now...I'm doing it? What the hell kind of logic is this?

My analysis, from my own perspective, tells me that I am 20. I am young. I want to go out and live my life for ME for now. I want to be myself and not relationship hop anymore. I'd LOVE to figure out who I am again. I haven't known for quite some time. I always get asked, "Where is XXX?"(as if I was conjoined at the hip with them). It's always "XXX and Joe." Then, when we break up, it's a MASSIVE deal and everyone hears about it. He is the SECOND guy I've ever had sex with. Ever. Fourth guy I've ever kissed.

Am I having my college life crisis of wanting to go crazy? Does it seem like things are so screwed up beyond repair, that I should ditch the situation by ending the relationship? Thanks for ANY feedback. You can call me a hypocritical, two-faced, lying, cum-guzzling whore for all I care. I just want SOME KIND of outside opinion on the situation without risking the consequence of the word getting back to my boyfriend.

---You're a trooper, if you made it through that entire post.---

[LateBloomer]

You pretty much said it all...

You're bored.
You're young.
You need some time to "discover yourself".
But you're feeling obligated to keep this relationship on "life support".

That makes you restless and resentful. So you mess around with Jake with no regrets.

No wonder your BF has searched for his own "distractions" from this relationship by sexting, flirting and growing closer emotionally to other people.

You both might be great guys, but apparently neither of you are getting what you need from this relationship. You can either discuss it like partners or sit around until something really dramatic happens (one catches the other with his pants around his ankles).

There is so much time to be in a committed mature adult relationship. Why waste these young years tied down in dysfunction?

If you give it all up and go hitchhike across the nation just for the experience of doing it alone nobody would blame you.

You have to take care of YOURSELF before you can take care of someone else. And that's basically what every relationship boils down to.

Good luck.

[Aeneas]

like LATEBLOOMER said, your boyfriends "cheating" might be directly related to how he perceives your aloofness towards him/the relationship.


cheating is seldom one person's 100% fault. something leads to that (insecurity, frustration, etc) - even if it is pure temptation the other person is also failing to keep the cheater's 100% interest in him and therefore loyalty to the point that he will not turn away from temptation (or even go looking for it).

you say you were into *jake* long before you discovered your BF's unfaithfulness, yet you also refrained from pursuing anything with him until AFTER you became aware of his online adventures.


so yes, you were doing it to get even. perhaps you did not intended to cause him harm by it, but you felt you were now ENTITLED to do so, because he has done it too. how unfair would it be otherwise? you have all these feelings towards "jake" you put so much effort to hold at bay when your shameless boyfriend sends dirty images of himself? screw that!

and now you must look over your shoulder every time to check up on your mischievous boyfriend. you've tasted the honey, saw him taste it too and boy does it taste good! is he still chasing it as well?

its understandable you have all these feelings for your boyfriend still. you respect him, you care for him. but your mind is going wild.

so what to DO?


this relationship has become SATURATED. it now longer has a future in its current state. its just a matter of time till this blows in everyone's faces and you will lose a boyfriend and a future friend. you are just blaming it all on your youthfulness but the truth is it has gone sour.

you know it, he feels it, heck even DFIANT probably gets it too.

but you should not end this relationship. maneuver him into ending it himself. this will minimize any future pain resulting of regret.

become even more distant, foster his insecurities, deny any and all wrongdoings and accuse him of being hallucinating if he confronts you about the unexciting status of your relationship. just tell him you are having a great time. and if you catch him cheating again, tell him you understand and that there is no wrong doing as far as you can see.

[pellaz]

wont it be odd when "Jake" becomes boring.

[HomeagainNYC]

In my opinion the best thing that you can do for both of you, is to be honest. First to yourself - then to your boyfriend.

He might be all that you say and more, but you describe him as your "day boyfriend", that to me, speaks volumes; you owe it to both of you to end it.

I think you're looking for some easy way to do something that is universally, very hard and very uncomfortable to do. There is no way you can escape the karma of hurting him, but you can be honest, caring and compassionate - when you do.

You know inherently what to do; I can see clear flashes of it in your post, when you reflect on "filling a void","not relationship hop[ing] anymore","figure out who I am again".

What's going on inside of us - is reflected back to us, if we care to look and really see, in our lives and in our relationships. It would appears that you're looking and you're are seeing.

Follow your internal voice.