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Cheating : What is costs. What is destroys.
#1
This isn't an appeal for sympathy or advice so save that for someone else on another thread.

I'm writing this so maybe someone can learn from it and not make the mistake of cheating on someone with whom they have built up years (a total of nine) into building a relationship.

I won't go into the details of how I found out I had been cheated on other than to say it didn't take snooping into someone's phone to see what was going on that I wasn't supposed to to know about. It all started with me changing sheets before I left home on a Sunday then coming home Wednesday, crawling into bed tired, waking up and realizing not only had the sheets been changed that morning but they were not any of the good sheets for the bed but the ones from the bottom shelf in the closet I was saving to make rags out of if. Then I noticed a few things out of place that shouldn't have been. Then I checked the video from the security cam on the driveway. The guy, a supposed friend of mine, came over a few minutes after 9pm and didn't leave until after my bestfriend/room mate came in from work the next morning then stormed out of the house mad as hell after finding this friend of mine and my guy in bed together.

It was like my guy had decided to throw away everything for a quick and meaningless piece of ass with a half witted 20 year old slut. When he moved here in December half of all I have became his. I gave him a fine ass set of wheels I worked on and helped restore and pimp out. Te title is still in my name and it'll be in my name from now until I die. I sold and gave away furniture of mine to make room for his. I'd even gone through the paperwork of making him a partner in my business. I was the happiest guy on the face of this planet when he moved here just after Xmas.

All of that is gone and there's nothing that can be done to make me feel that way about him again. He killed that part of me that lived for him.

We've been trying to put things back together and salvage a relationship. Whatever it is we'll end up with won't be anything like what he had going for us before he decided to cheat. I'm not even attracted to him anymore. We've gotten back to sleeping in the same bed, but there's no cuddling or anything. I don't even use the same bathroom he uses so I don't have to see him naked or him me.

I've cancelled the hotel reservations I made for Memorial Day weekend in Pensacola. I told him it was up to him to let it be known that the July wedding is at least postponed, if not cancelled. I just don't feel the commitment to marry him anymore. It's gone.

Four and half years ago he and I changed from being long distance FWBs to trying to make a relationship out of what we had. What had happened was I broke up with him because I couldn't put up with the FWB bullshit anymore. He was the only one who wanted the benefits of being "friends" with others. After the break up he came after me to convince me to try to make a relationship work out. It took a few days of talking but we worked things out. But I warned him then that if he ever wanted to mess around with anyone else he'd better make sure it was someone he wanted to be with more than me cuz he wouldn't get any dick from me ever again.

At the time I was just saying that being tough or so I thought. Now I see I really meant it from deep within. I'm not going to set myself up to be hurt like this again, after a wedding. I don't know what he'll have to do to take away the hurt and give back the trust he destroyed -- or if he ever can take away the hurt or rebuild the trust. I just know that I'm not going to be made to suffer a second, third, forth or fifth time hoping for something that he can't deliver.

It's got nothing to do with putting an unrealistic value on monogamy. It's got everything to do with putting a realistic value on trust. Had he felt the urge to cheat on me I should have been the first person he turned to about it, not the last one. He knows that. When we got back together the first time we agreed to that trust -- turning to each other first instead of last.

That's all for now. I'll be leaving here shortly headed south to pick up a load and bring it home. I'll check back in when I can..

Virge
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#2
It's obvious you are in pain. Since you don't want sympathy, I won't put it into words, but I still feel it for you. I have no advice, either.

I hope you don't mind a question. Is it possible that he was never faithful to you?
I have always wondered about guys who have been rather promiscuous, if they are easily capable of committing to only one person ever.

This sucks, man.
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#3
You have no idea how much I wanted this to work out for you. I'm very sorry he felt the need to cheat on you, what the hell was this idiot thinking? What does he have to say for himself? Facepalm
Bernd

Being gay is not for Sissies.
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#4
It's hard to get the trust back once it's lost. I know this from the experience. I do hope that you guys find some way to fix what you have.
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#5
omg. I am crushed by this.

I am so upset that you are in such pain, Boo Boo.

Talk to me. I think I can help.
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#6
We all have our boundaries that shouldn't be crossed. He knew of yours and crossed them anyway. I'm sorry this happened to you.

Lex
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#7
no words can make you feel better right now Virge. but i feel for you. it's just utterly shitty what happened.

it's even more difficult to understand how this happened so shortly after he moved in with you.

Virge Wrote:Had he felt the urge to cheat on me I should have been the first person he turned to about it, not the last one.

this should have been the case.
''Do I look civilized to you?''
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#8
What a fucking idiot! (Him, not you, just to be clear.)

No, you have it exactly right, [MENTION=21084]Virge[/MENTION] ; you should have been the FIRST person to hear that his dick-head was talking to him, not the last.

This dude is still WALKING?

[Image: Breaking-Bad.gif]

I am SO SO Sorry, man. Un-fucking-believable. Cry
.
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#9
(((Virge)))....after the long ass history part of what I told you in PM...the next part was going to be how that all translated into who I am today...how it all shaped the attitudes I have toward everything to do with relationships (and yeah...marriage)....

But I didn't have the heart to tell you...and I didn't want to interfere with any dialogue you have going on. I wanted you to be happy again and not have to deal with "this part"......

So now...where I stopped....

I sometimes say I refuse to promise fidelity to anyone...and I refuse to let anyone promise fidelity to me...instead...I promise to tell the truth and demand the same in return. Truth is the only vow I made...and the only one I want to hear... NOW...you know why. It is how I began the relationship I am in now....

If any man tells me he will be faithful to me...I will not trust him ...or that promise....with good reason. It is a house of cards that promise is built upon. The sooner you learn to do the same...it will make life so much easier. TRUTH is so much more reliable if you use that as the foundation for any relationship.

Hang with me another second or two here. In the history of civilization to this very day...just look at how many people have promised fidelity...and FAILED..BIG TIME. It you look at the statistics...it is the majority...not the minority. So...if you are paying attention...you know what Einstein says...INSANITY IS DOING THE SAME THING OVER AND OVER AND EXPECTING DIFFERENT RESULTS! In this case...insanity is the collective
"we" who expect it will be different with us...that "this time" ...no one has ever known this kind of love I have. Well..yeah...they have...and rest assured that some of them who have known it have cheated....

It is also one of the main reasons why marriage scares me. I get cold sweats even thinking about it. I equate it with death...and lies...and misery....and if you are idealistic...it will die a slow death anyway as you trade your soul for one lie after another. I know..depressing...eh? Straight people have been figuring that out for years now...I wanted to be smarter than they are. You know what they say...you can be a good example...or a horrible warning....

There IS life after this Virge...but it will not be the same. You have to deal with a loss...and it is difficult. It can be done...but it takes time....

I will be here if you need me...
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#10
Damn Virge. This sucks big time.

You deserved to be treated much better than this, and the fact that he couldn't see that speaks volumes about him.

Be strong, my friend, and don't break your resolve. He deserves nothing from you now.
[Image: 51806835273_f5b3daba19_t.jpg]  <<< It's mine!
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