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I was 17 when i met my first love. Were together for 3 years and ended badly because i was immature and a bit thugish back then.
Im now 23 and have had one other partner since then which has recently come to an end after 3 years also.
What is wierd to me is; today i somehow got speaking to my first partner again. just 3 weeks after splitting up with my bf. After talking a bit it turns out he has also recently split with his bf and is single. Im wondering what are the odds of us both getting talking again now. And why am i feeling like i expect something to happen again. I mean im not expecting to get back with the lad but i feel he wanted to talk for a reason. Maybe he wants to see if iv changed (which i have ALOT).
Am i jumping to conclusions? is it just coinsidence?
Should i express the fact that id consider trying again or should i leave it to see if he brings that subject up?
i mean afterall....he left me the first time round. so i think maybe its him that should say something if thats what he wants.
In the conversation (which lasted aaaages) he was asking if i remembered our anniversary date and do i remember his birthday etc so i kinda got a vibe that he is thinking about something.
Bit of outside opinion would be good here. i dont wanna jump to conclusions or delude myself to thinking something thats totally wrong lol.
So...if you was me, what would you be thinking?
Could it work getting with someone you had a relationship with in the past?
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You're in the market for a new relationship, obviously. You have something in common with this man that you share with pretty well nobody else whom you would consider relationship material; a failed relationship. What could possibly go wrong?
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Posts: 1,725
Threads: 594
Joined: Jun 2012
Mood: None
I think maybe the fact we failed last time could help it improve if there was a next time. It was all me last time and i admit i was wrong alot lol.
Since posting the thread iv had 4 phone calls from him. nothing particular in the reason for calling either. just rang for a chat lol.
Im either reading the signals wrong or im deluded lol.
Just dont know if i should drop in the question about meeting up.
I dont wanna look like an idiot if im wrong
I get it that we "failed" last time but we were young and i was a d**k to be blunt. Maybe now we have matured a bit...we could manage it.
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You won't know if you don't try.
But why leap right back into a committed relationship?
Why not just take it slow at the beginning? Just a date, like any other new relationship. That takes the pressure off. Give it some time to see if there's still any chemistry.
If there's no chemistry, then it was just a laugh with someone from your past without the letdown of another "failure".
Good luck.
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I'm opposed to kissing old flames.
They are an ex for a reason... Unless you both have worked on those reasons (it takes two to make or break a relationship, he has to own something here) then your most likely going to repeat the same mistakes.
Most of my relationships ended for very good reasons, abuse, cheating, you know serious stuff - thus my take on getting back with an ex is pretty much made up from the fact that there were really irreconcilable differences which just couldn't be resolved, even if they stopped cheating and/or being abusive.
Why? Because the things that took place leave a definite imprint. With something like cheating, they may never cheat again, but its always there, the 'trust' was broken and remains broken and you always wonder over the little things if it is symptoms of cheating again. With abuse there is the same thing, trust was broken (along with ribs, arm whatever) and that leaves an indelible mark on the psyche.
So the real question here is not if you have matured and grew up, the real question is how much damage did you do back then? Did you leave an indelible mark on him? Did you break his trust in/for you? Or is he constantly going to be thinking that some minor incident is prelude to that thuggish behavior again?
Like it or not, all of the stuff you both did is going to still be there, its part of the memory banks and it will affect how you act and react to each other.
How profound and deep an impact did your past behaviors have on that relationship and on him? Reverse it, put yourself in his place and ask yourself honestly if the things you did to him would or would not affect how you perceive him from that day forward.
Yes you are both single. Recently single? If its recent then I strongly suggest you both put on the brakes and seek to be single individuals for 52 weeks, or 365 days or for one year (which ever sounds easiest).
No dating, no hook-up for sex between you two. Be friends, sure - but make no commitment and definitely don't do that hugging, kissing, cuddling crap which leads to high emotions and will lead to sex.
I think both of you are desperately looking for 'what used to be'. You both are used to being part of an 'Us' and really need to figure out who you all are as 'me' - meaning figuring out who each of you are as a single individual, focusing on the needs of self first, hammering out whatever issues, foibles, personality defects you have before you throw yourself into another relationship.
We all have regrets, the worst thing we can do is try to relive the past and 'redo' those things we regret. We learn from our mistakes, we move on, and we take with us lessons from the past which we apply to the future.
So another question you need to ask yourself is: Is this moving forward, or are you traveling backwards and trying to relive the past?
Ultimately this is your deal to do....
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He is your ex for a reason ,but of course it is up to you.
Just remember that if you have to change to be his cup of tea ,maybe the problem is him.
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It really depends on what the reasonings behind the breakup, who was at fault, and if it's something you could accept and move past without incident.
He definitely is interested in getting back with you, but are you really?
Is it just the allure of going back to what was once a comfort and safety net of security, or do you genuinely want to make amends and start on a new chapter with this dude? These are the questions you need to be asking yourself! As long as you're not starting where you left off, I don't see a problem with it.
Like you said, you've changed a lot, and maybe he has too (hopefully for the better), so the stars may just be in your favor.
Advice: If any "red-flags" pop up, it's time to dip and move on, leaving him in the past where he belongs.
Also, I met my first love coincidentally at the age of 17! Lasted for 2 years, and we still talk today, as friends... not to mention one hookup that occurred recently... I'm bad lol But this is about you, so take my advice, and no hookups!
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