Internet Stories

[ChrisD]

One of my mother's friends periodically sends us little stories or jokes that she finds somewhere in the mystical realm of the interwebs. While they are usually in the form of chain mail, some of them are quite entertaining or inspiring to read.....
She sent us these two today, I think you'll like them.

Getting old in FLORIDA
Two elderly ladies are sitting on the front porch in Punta Gorda, doing nothing.
One lady turns and asks, 'Do you still get horny?'
The other replies, 'Oh sure I do.'
The first old lady asks, 'What do you do about it?'
The second old lady replies, 'I suck a lifesaver.'
After a few moments, the first old lady asks, 'Who drives you to the beach?'
�
**********************************************************
Three old ladies were sitting side by side in their retirement home in Cape Coral*reminiscing. The first lady recalled shopping at the green grocers and demonstrated with her hands, the length and thickness of a cucumber she could buy for a penny.
The second old lady nodded, adding that onions used to be much bigger and cheaper also, and demonstrated the size of two big onions she could buy for a penny a piece.
The third old lady remarked, 'I can't hear a word you're saying, but I remember the guy you're talking about.
�
**********************************************************
A little old lady was sitting on a park bench in The Villages, a Florida*Adult community. A man walked over and sits down on the other end of the bench. After a few moments, the woman asks, 'Are you a stranger here?'
He replies, 'I lived here years ago.'
'So, where were you all these years?'
'In prison,' he says.
'Why did they put you in prison?'
He looked at her, and very quietly said, 'I killed my wife.'
'Oh!' said the woman. 'So you're single...?!'
�
**********************************************************
Two elderly people living in Fort Myers, he was a widower and she a widow, had known each other for a number of years. One evening there was a community supper in the Clubhouse.
The two were at the same table, across from one another. As the meal went on, he took a few admiring glances at her and finally gathered the courage to ask her, 'Will you marry me?'
After about six seconds of 'careful consideration,' she answered 'Yes. Yes, I will!'
The meal ended and, with a few more pleasant exchanges, they went to their respective places. Next morning, he was troubled. 'Did she say 'yes' or did she say 'no'?'
He couldn't remember. Try as he might, he just could not recall. Not even a faint memory.
With trepidation, he went to the telephone and called her.
First, he explained that he didn't remember as well as he used to. Then he reviewed the lovely evening past. As he gained a little more courage, he inquired, 'When I asked if you would marry me, did you say 'Yes' or did you say 'No'?'
He was delighted to hear her say, 'Why, I said, 'Yes, yes I will' and I meant it with all my heart.' Then she continued, 'And I am so glad that you called, because I couldn't remember who had asked me.'
�
**********************************************************
A man was telling his neighbor in Port Charlotte, 'I just bought a new hearing aid. It cost me four thousand dollars, but it's state of the art.
It's perfect.'
'Really,' answered the neighbor. 'What kind is it?'
'Twelve thirty.'
�
**********************************************************
�
A little old man shuffled slowly into*an ice cream parlor in*Bonita Springs*, and pulled himself slowly, painfully, up onto a stool.
After catching his breath he ordered a banana split.
The waitress asked kindly, 'Crushed nuts?'
'No,' he replied, 'hemorrhoids
�
**********************************************************
Life is short!
Break the rules!
Forgive quickly!
Love truly, Laugh uncontrollably.
And never regret
Anything that made you smile
The best things in life are free until the government finds out and taxes it.

and a more serious one.......

Last Cab Ride
*I arrived at the address and honked the horn.
*After waiting a few minutes I honked again.
Since this was going to be my last ride of my shift I thought about just driving away,
but instead I put the car in park and walked up to the door and knocked..
'Just a minute', answered a frail, elderly voice.
*I could hear something being dragged across the floor.
After a long pause, the door opened. A small woman in her 90's stood before me.
She was wearing a print dress and a pillbox hat with a veil pinned on it, like somebody out of a 1940's movie.*By her side was a small nylon suitcase.
The apartment looked as if no one had lived in it for years.
All the furniture was covered with sheets.
There were no clocks on the walls, no knick-knacks or utensils on the counters.
In the corner was a cardboard box filled with photos and glassware.
'Would you carry my bag out to the car?' she said.
I took the suitcase to the cab, then returned to assist the woman.

She took my arm and we walked slowly toward the curb.
She kept thanking me for my kindness.
It's nothing', I told her.. 'I just try to treat my passengers
the way I would want my mother to be treated.'
'Oh, you're such a good boy, she said. When we got in the cab, she gave
me an address and then asked, 'Could you drive through downtown?'
'It's not the shortest way,' I answered quickly..
'Oh, I don't mind,' she said. 'I'm in no hurry. I'm on my way to a hospice.
I looked in the rear-view mirror. Her eyes were glistening.
'I don't have any family left,' she continued in a soft**voice..'
The doctor says I don't have very long.' I quietly reached over and shut off the meter.
'What route would you like me to take?' I asked.
For the next two hours, we drove through the city. She showed me
the building where she had once worked as an elevator operator.
We drove through the neighborhood where she and her husband had lived when they were newlyweds She had me pull up in front of a furniture warehouse that
had once been a ballroom where she had gone dancing as a girl.
Sometimes she'd ask me to slow* in front of a particular building or corner and
would sit staring into the darkness, saying nothing.
As the first hint of sun was creasing the horizon, she suddenly said, 'I'm tired. Let's go now'.
We drove in silence to the address she had given me. It was a low building,
like a small convalescent home, with a driveway that passed under a portico.
Two orderlies came out to the cab as soon as we pulled up. They were solicitous and intent, watching her every move.
They must have been expecting her.
I opened the trunk and took the small suitcase to
the door. The woman was already seated in a wheelchair.
'How much do I owe you?' She asked, reaching into her purse.
'Nothing,' I said
'You have to make a living,' she answered.
'There are other passengers,' I responded.
Almost without thinking, I bent and gave her a hug. She held onto me tightly.
'You gave an old woman a little moment of joy,' she said. 'Thank you.'
I squeezed her hand, and then walked into the dim morning
light.. Behind me, a door shut.
It was the sound of the closing of a life..
I didn't pick up any more passengers that shift.
I drove aimlessly lost in thought. For the rest of that day, I could hardly talk.
What if that woman had gotten an angry driver, or one who was impatient to end his shift? What if I had refused to take the run, or had honked once, then driven away?
On a quick review, I don't think that I have done anything more important in my life.
We're conditioned to think that our lives revolve around great moments.
But great moments often catch us unaware-beautifully
wrapped in what others may consider a small one.
PEOPLE MAY NOT REMEMBER EXACTLY WHAT YOU DID,
OR WHAT YOU*SAID ~BUT~THEY WILL ALWAYS REMEMBER HOW YOU MADE THEM FEEL.
*
Life may not be the party we hoped for, but while we
are here we might as well dance.
**~~~~~~~~~~~~~

[Armandork]

Rofl I liked the funny ones a lot ^^