Hi all,
I've been with my boyfriend 4 years; I moved in with him after 3 years, when he mentioned that I either move in or we break up. I love living with him, but my fears for us leaving together have all come true. He is 6 years older than me and needed financial help before I moved in (hence my hesitation). Our first year living together was the worst financial time of my life; today I am more in debt than I've ever been and can't manage to pay my personal bills in order to cover his shortcomings. He needs to help his mother financially which is why he is always short on paying his bills. He also fears getting a new job (though he does not make much) and seems to have little career drive.
The financial struggles, I've found, make me feel a bit like my years are wasting away. I have a dream to travel (which he does not share), I learned french in school just so I could one day go to France. He finds this to be childish or something. He is also a bit controlling and can be very verbally aggressive when irritated. At the same time when he is happy he is just the sweetest thing, and very caring.
Are financial reasons and lack of shared goals enough to merit a breakup? Am I being selfish to end things to concentrate on my career, pay my debt and pursue the things that I want to accomplish in life?
Very indecisive guy here, could use some advice.
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NYblatino Wrote:... my years are wasting away. I have a dream to travel (which he does not share), I learned french in school just so I could one day go to France. He finds this to be childish or something ... and i want to goto the moon but i know if i go and cone back i'm still going to be the same person. maybe just me.
NYblatino Wrote:... ]Am I being selfish to end things to concentrate on my career, pay my debt and pursue the things that I want to accomplish in life ... i think these goals are worthy and functional priorities. Seems you can do this with or with out your partner and YOU alone need to take the first...
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From what you have posted it seems that your boyfriend has been successful in getting you to lower your personal goals/standards.
If you feel that's satisfactory, stay; if not, then it might be the right time to start pursuing the life you have imagined for yourself.
Saisir le jour!
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I'm not that concerned with finances, and I don't have a problem wanting to take care of family, though I can say if economic values are so different between two people then it's probably not going to work in the long run.
What DOES bother me is calling your dreams of visiting France childish. Furthermore, he's the one who sounds childish ("He is also a bit controlling and can be very verbally aggressive when irritated. At the same time when he is happy he is just the sweetest thing, and very caring.") This is someone who can't see beyond himself and that makes him the selfish one (just because he supports his mom doesn't mean he's not selfish) and also strongly suggests he won't handle stress well (or in healthy ways).
As for is it selfish to pay your debts and live your dreams, that depends on your definition. I consider it a healthy form of selfishness (whereas he practices an unhealthy form of it), but others who automatically equate selfishness as evil (in the honest rather than manipulative way) is that you're RESPONSIBLE, and kudos for wanting to expand your horizons by learning a foreign language and coming up with a plan to visit a foreign country. And partners should SUPPORT each other, not demand to have their own way while dismissing the desires of the other.
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NYblatino Wrote:Are financial reasons and lack of shared goals enough to merit a breakup? Am I being selfish to end things to concentrate on my career, pay my debt and pursue the things that I want to accomplish in life?
Very indecisive guy here, could use some advice.
Response to first question: USUALLY!
Response to second question: At your age, NO. If you were older, with other obligations, perhaps.
Bottom line: We need to take care of our self before we can take care of others.
Live you life, you only have ONE!
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Only you can weigh the issues involved in your relationship. From what you described, however, I think you have too much in conflict rather than in common. It's one thing to not share the same goals and dreams: couples can deal with that. It's another for one partner to put down the goals and dreams of the other. I'm not sure that can work without you feeling resentful towards him or your own choice to stay.
I have no doubt he can be sweet and caring: why else would you be with him? Controlling and verbally abusive behavior is hard to make up for. You have a hard choice to make. Whatever you choose, you have not wasted your years if you have learned from them.
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thank you all for your sound feedback.
One thing I forgot to mention is that this is my first relationship, not the case for him.
As for the money issue, he has debt as well. I've suggested to him that he move back in with his family in order to get his act together but he is so attached to our apartment that he rather struggle than give it up - as if he cares more about the apartment than me.
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NYblatino Wrote:thank you all for your sound feedback.
One thing I forgot to mention is that this is my first relationship, not the case for him.
As for the money issue, he has debt as well. I've suggested to him that he move back in with his family in order to get his act together but he is so attached to our apartment that he rather struggle than give it up - as if he cares more about the apartment than me.
Let me guess: I bet you're concerned that if you leave him he won't be able to afford the rent on that great apartment all by himself, right?
Is that why you urged him to move back with his parents? Then it's easier for you to leave him?
I totally see your logic if that's the case, but you also have to realize that it sounds like you have made up your mind and know what you want to do.
How about this? Can YOU afford to find another apartment by yourself (First + Last + Security Deposit) while still living in your current apartment?
I'm thinking you might want to find a place of your own BEFORE you decide to leave. That will make the transition easier for you. After all, if HE won't leave, YOU will have to.
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I actually want him to move back with his parents so that he can pay his debt and help his mother at the same time. The apartment is nice but we could do much better if we weren't so stretched financially.
I don't think that him moving out as well will make it easier for me to leave him, I'm just concern for his well being; concerned that he might struggle to a point that he puts himself deeper in the red.
If anything, the more I think about leaving the more guilt I feel, because I know that it will not be easy for him. I care about him so much but have realized through the course of the day that as much as I care for him, he is not the guy for me.
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NYblatino Wrote:I actually want him to move back with his parents so that he can pay his debt and help his mother at the same time. The apartment is nice but we could do much better if we weren't so stretched financially.
I don't think that him moving out as well will make it easier for me to leave him, I'm just concern for his well being; concerned that he might struggle to a point that he puts himself deeper in the red.
If anything, the more I think about leaving the more guilt I feel, because I know that it will not be easy for him. I care about him so much but have realized through the course of the day that as much as I care for him, he is not the guy for me.
I totally understand this. Maybe more than it seems. I was in a similar position--not exactly the same, but close.
It might be time for a serious talk where you explain your position and how you're feeling and what you'd like to do just in order to give him some time to prepare.
I don't know.
But it seems to be one thing to just up and leave someone hanging on their own when they obviously don't have the resources--AND, quite another thing to say, Hey look, this ain't working and I want out, and this is how I want to do it so neither of us get hurt any worse.
Tough call, but you do seem to know WHAT you want to do, just not HOW.
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