05-08-2013, 06:17 AM
My heart feels like it's going to explode, and if it did, it would feel kind of nice. If I'm not having a panic attack, then it's pretty darn close. Turning 25 in a few weeks, maybe it's a quarter life crisis. I don't want to die, but I wouldn't mind slamming my head into a concrete sidewalk until I could drink my brains with a straw. Not feeling good at the moment.
Calming down now. Walked around my block a few times, jerked off (fuck you, it helps). Still not in a good place though. Tried calling the one guy who I talk to when I start to go crazy and he didn't answer. This has been really awful. Canceled my therapy session earlier today which I now think was a mistake. I have way too much energy right now and I don't know where to put it. I want to go to sleep to end this but I probably won't be able to sleep for many hours. I kind of feel like throwing up. Moments like this I really wish I could stop thinking.
Do you ever feel like if you just created one piece of worth while art, or made one scientific discovery or made one useful invention then it would justify all the wasted time you spent in life? All those personal relationships you avoided, all the risks you never took, all the time spent feeling sorry for self would be okay, you know?
You didn't enjoy your teen years or your 20's. They were miserable, even though everyone says it's supposed to be the best time of your life. You figure, "well if this is the best then everything's going to be even shittier from here on out... I guess why bother?"
It's got to get better, right? I'm not kidding when I say that I feel really terrible right now. I don't know why I'm writing all this but it's making me feel better than if I just wrote it and threw it away. Good to feel like you're being heard. I'd cry right now if I wasn't emotionally paralyzed. It feels like my stomach is full of maggots. Maybe I saw that in a movie somewhere. I need a purging I think. Some sort of emotional exorcism. Where's a priest when you need one? Shouldn't have said I was an atheist. Damn...
I'm Facebook stalking my childhood/high school (likely) heterosexual obsession. That's not good, right? I can't tell the difference between obsession and love. Is there one? He looks so fucking happy, which is good. But I'm not in any of his goddam pictures and that's seriously depressing. Every fucking month he's in another country, traveling the world, meeting awesome people. I've never lived outside of my hometown and have never even stepped foot outside California. That's horrible, right? At 25 that's pretty fucking bad. Does that make me a child? Does it make me less of a man? Am I stunted emotionally and maturistically (I made that word up) because of it.
When you're young you think you're so much smarter and mature than all of your peers. I couldn't wait to grow up when I was a kid. I hated other kids. They were so fucking immature and naive. I was enlightened goddammit, even if know one else could tell.
But you spend your childhood alone, then you spend your teenage years alone, then you spend your early adult years alone, sheltered through all of it. Then one day you realize that all of those immature children you knew became adults because they gathered actual life experience. They went to parties, they took drugs, they had adventures (is that a weird word to use now), they fell in love, they travelled, they got married, had kids. And you.... you're still waiting to know what it feels like to have someone hold your hand. To show you affection. And to give affection. I'll regret writing all this soon.
This is good actually. My panic is now downgrading into depression and self-pity. That is indeed the natural order of things. Yay for me! I'm on the downslope! Fuck, fuckity fuck fuck fuck.
Calming down now. Walked around my block a few times, jerked off (fuck you, it helps). Still not in a good place though. Tried calling the one guy who I talk to when I start to go crazy and he didn't answer. This has been really awful. Canceled my therapy session earlier today which I now think was a mistake. I have way too much energy right now and I don't know where to put it. I want to go to sleep to end this but I probably won't be able to sleep for many hours. I kind of feel like throwing up. Moments like this I really wish I could stop thinking.
Do you ever feel like if you just created one piece of worth while art, or made one scientific discovery or made one useful invention then it would justify all the wasted time you spent in life? All those personal relationships you avoided, all the risks you never took, all the time spent feeling sorry for self would be okay, you know?
You didn't enjoy your teen years or your 20's. They were miserable, even though everyone says it's supposed to be the best time of your life. You figure, "well if this is the best then everything's going to be even shittier from here on out... I guess why bother?"
It's got to get better, right? I'm not kidding when I say that I feel really terrible right now. I don't know why I'm writing all this but it's making me feel better than if I just wrote it and threw it away. Good to feel like you're being heard. I'd cry right now if I wasn't emotionally paralyzed. It feels like my stomach is full of maggots. Maybe I saw that in a movie somewhere. I need a purging I think. Some sort of emotional exorcism. Where's a priest when you need one? Shouldn't have said I was an atheist. Damn...
I'm Facebook stalking my childhood/high school (likely) heterosexual obsession. That's not good, right? I can't tell the difference between obsession and love. Is there one? He looks so fucking happy, which is good. But I'm not in any of his goddam pictures and that's seriously depressing. Every fucking month he's in another country, traveling the world, meeting awesome people. I've never lived outside of my hometown and have never even stepped foot outside California. That's horrible, right? At 25 that's pretty fucking bad. Does that make me a child? Does it make me less of a man? Am I stunted emotionally and maturistically (I made that word up) because of it.
When you're young you think you're so much smarter and mature than all of your peers. I couldn't wait to grow up when I was a kid. I hated other kids. They were so fucking immature and naive. I was enlightened goddammit, even if know one else could tell.
But you spend your childhood alone, then you spend your teenage years alone, then you spend your early adult years alone, sheltered through all of it. Then one day you realize that all of those immature children you knew became adults because they gathered actual life experience. They went to parties, they took drugs, they had adventures (is that a weird word to use now), they fell in love, they travelled, they got married, had kids. And you.... you're still waiting to know what it feels like to have someone hold your hand. To show you affection. And to give affection. I'll regret writing all this soon.
This is good actually. My panic is now downgrading into depression and self-pity. That is indeed the natural order of things. Yay for me! I'm on the downslope! Fuck, fuckity fuck fuck fuck.