A Shameless Cry for Attention

[Wade]

My heart feels like it's going to explode, and if it did, it would feel kind of nice. If I'm not having a panic attack, then it's pretty darn close. Turning 25 in a few weeks, maybe it's a quarter life crisis. I don't want to die, but I wouldn't mind slamming my head into a concrete sidewalk until I could drink my brains with a straw. Not feeling good at the moment.

Calming down now. Walked around my block a few times, jerked off (fuck you, it helps). Still not in a good place though. Tried calling the one guy who I talk to when I start to go crazy and he didn't answer. This has been really awful. Canceled my therapy session earlier today which I now think was a mistake. I have way too much energy right now and I don't know where to put it. I want to go to sleep to end this but I probably won't be able to sleep for many hours. I kind of feel like throwing up. Moments like this I really wish I could stop thinking.

Do you ever feel like if you just created one piece of worth while art, or made one scientific discovery or made one useful invention then it would justify all the wasted time you spent in life? All those personal relationships you avoided, all the risks you never took, all the time spent feeling sorry for self would be okay, you know?

You didn't enjoy your teen years or your 20's. They were miserable, even though everyone says it's supposed to be the best time of your life. You figure, "well if this is the best then everything's going to be even shittier from here on out... I guess why bother?"

It's got to get better, right? I'm not kidding when I say that I feel really terrible right now. I don't know why I'm writing all this but it's making me feel better than if I just wrote it and threw it away. Good to feel like you're being heard. I'd cry right now if I wasn't emotionally paralyzed. It feels like my stomach is full of maggots. Maybe I saw that in a movie somewhere. I need a purging I think. Some sort of emotional exorcism. Where's a priest when you need one? Shouldn't have said I was an atheist. Damn...

I'm Facebook stalking my childhood/high school (likely) heterosexual obsession. That's not good, right? I can't tell the difference between obsession and love. Is there one? He looks so fucking happy, which is good. But I'm not in any of his goddam pictures and that's seriously depressing. Every fucking month he's in another country, traveling the world, meeting awesome people. I've never lived outside of my hometown and have never even stepped foot outside California. That's horrible, right? At 25 that's pretty fucking bad. Does that make me a child? Does it make me less of a man? Am I stunted emotionally and maturistically (I made that word up) because of it.

When you're young you think you're so much smarter and mature than all of your peers. I couldn't wait to grow up when I was a kid. I hated other kids. They were so fucking immature and naive. I was enlightened goddammit, even if know one else could tell.

But you spend your childhood alone, then you spend your teenage years alone, then you spend your early adult years alone, sheltered through all of it. Then one day you realize that all of those immature children you knew became adults because they gathered actual life experience. They went to parties, they took drugs, they had adventures (is that a weird word to use now), they fell in love, they travelled, they got married, had kids. And you.... you're still waiting to know what it feels like to have someone hold your hand. To show you affection. And to give affection. I'll regret writing all this soon.

This is good actually. My panic is now downgrading into depression and self-pity. That is indeed the natural order of things. Yay for me! I'm on the downslope! Fuck, fuckity fuck fuck fuck.

[TimeSage]

Bits of this reads like i wrote it... hmm.

[Wade]

Bits of this reads like i wrote it... hmm.

Gahahhhaaa.... right? (I don't know what that means, that was my gut reaction)

Which bits?

[Counselor]

Totes related to the fb stalking of the hot friend. Had to give that up myself, not worth the wasted wishes and vain pursuits. It's like trying to chase a unicorn; good fucking luck. Also have never lived out of my hometown, excepting the six months of trucking, but I'm about to change that for someone I thought I'd never meet: someone I relate to so well it terrifies me that he exists. Chin up, Wayden. Don't do anything rash and look for something good to focus on.

[LateBloomer]

Whoa Wade.

I know what's going on in your head. I was miserable in my teens and 20s (the best years? Forget it).

My 20s were full of hard, dreary, low pay work and lots of failure and false starts.

My 30s were a blast. The best so far. I still had youth, but some life experience and dare I say, a little wisdom too?

My 40s? Well, let's talk about midlife crises now...


My 40s have been tough for a few different reasons (worldwide financial crisis, housing market crash, big move across country, relationship drama, etc)...

But you know what I've learned over the years? We all have CHOICES. And every time we make a choice we INVITE RISK into our lives.

This response is getting long so I want to wrap it up by saying, the solution to most of life's troubles is to GET OUT THERE and LIVE LIFE.

Figure out WHERE and WHO you want to be and make a plan.

Spend less time INSIDE your head (and on FB) and more time doing something that moves you closer to where and who you want to be.

BOTTOM LINE: You have been lied to. Your teens and 20s are NOT the best time of your life. That is a lie told to young people by old people who have fucked up their lives.

We're supposed to WORK HARD when we're young so that when we're older and tired we can relax and take it easy.

[Wade]

Whoa Wade.

I know what's going on in your head. I was miserable in my teens and 20s (the best years? Forget it).

My 20s were full of hard, dreary, low pay work and lots of failure and false starts.

My 30s were a blast. The best so far. I still had youth, but some life experience and dare I say, a little wisdom too?

My 40s? Well, let's talk about midlife crises now...


My 40s have been tough for a few different reasons (worldwide financial crisis, housing market crash, big move across country, relationship drama, etc)...

But you know what I've learned over the years? We all have CHOICES. And every time we make a choice we INVITE RISK into our lives.

This response is getting long so I want to wrap it up by saying, the solution to most of life's troubles is to GET OUT THERE and LIVE LIFE.

Figure out WHERE and WHO you want to be and make a plan.

Spend less time INSIDE your head (and on FB) and more time doing something that moves you closer to where and who you want to be.

BOTTOM LINE: You have been lied to. Your teens and 20s are NOT the best time of your life. That is a lie told to young people by old people who have fucked up their lives.

We're supposed to WORK HARD when we're young so that when we're older and tired we can relax and take it easy.

Thank you very much. I needed to hear that. A friend made some disparaging comments to me last night concerning the quality of my life and it really disturbed me. I appreciate what you said very much. Thank you again, LateBloomer.

[HomeagainNYC]

I'm not big on Panaceas, but, this is really the bottom line from where I sit.

"When you change the way you look at things; the things you look at change."

Hang in there.

[partisan]

Hi wade, soz mate you feeling this way, i wont give advice coz im incapable in following it myself.

i know whats its like being stuck in the same town, feeling hopeless and despair, depressed, all those other words, sometimes its hard just to move, othertimes im the most hopelessly optimistic person you will meet, in a way it hurts seeing it in other people more.

I really have no advice to givr, except i sorta like ya, and thats reason enuf to go on aint it :-)

Your day is greatly improved now I bet (dont mention it)

[partisan]

Oh i forgot, and it was the thing i liked most in your post.

Yes one piece of art would make it all better, even if it doesnt its still worth it.

[SolemnBoy]

I'm sorry you're feeling this way and I think you'd be surprised at how many people can relate to, well... more or less all of that. People tend to have these ideas that nobody else is suffering the way they do and that everyone around them is leading much happier lives which, in MOST cases, just isn't true.

Anyways, since you're admitting your own self-pity I guess there's no need for sugarcoating. Why don't you try to achieve some of the things you associate with happiness, success and maturity? Release your excessive energy on something creative until you've made something you'd call "worthwhile" if that's what you want to justify your own existence. Start painting or something, I don't know. I think you play the guitar, unless my memory's betraying me. Then master the hell out of the guitar and create something "worthehile". Music is a form of art as well.

As for the "adventures" you're referring to: DO those things. Or is there anything stopping you? I honestly don't think there is but I could be wrong. If you want to travel, then travel. If you can't afford it right now, determine how much money you'd need and save up to reach your goal. However, since you were wondering whether your lack of traveling makes you a child or not; it doesn't.

As for the whole affection thing, there's no real way of forcing that but it'll happen sooner or later. If you're tired of waiting then attend more social gatherings, or even try online dating if that's your thing. Either way you probably do understand that there's more or less no way of you living out your entire life without finding someone who loves you. I think you just need to hear it from someone else.

In short: get yourself together and try to be rational about your problems. It does sound kind of harsh but at least that's what I NEED to be told when I'm feeling the same. Or, well... I need to be forced to confront reality with some slaps and someone telling me to fucking pull myself together. But I don't know if that's common so I tried to do it a bit nicer than that

Anyways, good luck and don't let the depression get to you. We like you a lot around here!

EDIT: Oh, and nobody here thinks this is a cry for attention. More like catharsis.