Hey everyone. My partner and I have been together for nearly 5 years. In that time we have been totally faithful to one another and neither of us is interested in an open relationship. He is 40 and I am 24. Im an old soul. We are in the middle of building a new home and things have been very stressful lately. My partner is constantly worried about our financial situation amd refuses to talk about anything regarding money or our future. We recently had a big argument about who has been contributing more money and what we might do with the house if we should separate at some point in the future. He earns nearly double my income and has technically contributed all of the capital for the deposit. We decided that if we should separate that we would subtract the deposit from the profits and splitthe rest. I do feel that he would not have been able to come up with our deposit if I had not been contributing to our current household expenses but to be honest just did not want to fight and I do see us being together forever soam not really worried about that too much. I really really really want to have children one day but when we have talked about it in the past he has been so non committal and really quite cagey on the subject. His main concern is not being able to afford it. Together we make quite a decnt income but he is forever concerned about not having enough. He often gets angry and ignores me if i press on about anything. I think/hope that once we are in our new home and dot habe the added stress of our expenses at our rental that he will be more forthcoming on the subject. This is the one thing that i am not willing to back down on. It is my one big dream in life and i will not be able to live without it. We have already been together for 5 years and i feel i need the security that i will get wjat i want in life. It doesnt need to hapoen right now but i need to know it will happen. I have compromised for him. Why cant he do the same for me? Am i being unreasonable? Should i wait until our current stresses have blown over before i bring it up again? I really truly love this man so much and cant bear the thought of leaving but i feel i might end up wasting a full ten years of my life and end up starting all over again one day.
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Hi and welcome 
Can you tell me, how you could be wasting your life when you are with a man you love? How would you feel if you heard your partner say that?
Money can be a huge stressor. You said he makes more money than you? That's double stress. Do you have a plan in case he loses his job? You need to make him feel secure and show him there is a safety net. Make him see that you understand the responsibility. Make him comfortable. Because, yes, kids cost money.
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Have you sat down and talked the whole kids thing through from start to finish with him?
Adopting children is a lifelong commitment that you both need to be 100% sure about. Yes there is an additional financial burden when it comes to children (mine are 22 and 19 and Im still paying for them LoL)
There are also some people (male and female) who really don't want children. Have you considered your situation if this is how your partner feels?
Its entirely possible that he is using the pretext of the financial situation to cover his true feelings about the whole children situation.
You (both) have a lot invested in each other right now, so I think you really need to sit down and talk this through and get to the bottom of how he truly feels.
Good Luck.
ObW
X
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You're too young to understand what 40 really means.
I have tried three times to compress what 40 means to a man into a single paragraph, its impossible to boil it all down.
40 is a huge deal, and it marks the end stage of life.
With the average lifespan of males being around 77 years of life, if he looked it up (most likely did because 40 reminds us we are mortal) he is aware that half of his life is gone and from here on out he is closet to grave than the cradle. From here on out everything is going to start gently reminding him he is getting old. Our eyes give up and we have to start using reading glasses. Our bones and muscle start aching over 'little' stuff. Our middles start spreading more, and no matter how hard we try to keep it off it keeps on coming. fine lines, grey hairs, hairs growing in places where hair really shouldn't outta grow are all reminders that old age is right around the corner.
He is most likely worried about retirement. A lot. 25 years (age 65) is a drop in the bucket. By the time you reach 40 you suddenly find that time is swiftly speeding by.
Having a kid - seriously at his age? If you had a baby today, in 18 years that kid is going to need college funds. You seriously expect your husband to be able to meet the savings for retirement and the savings for college all at the same time?
For you its a different story, for you 18 years you will be 42 - you have more than enough time to save for that college fund, then start saving for your retirement.
Do you understand the math? Now do you feel that math. 40 brings with it deep feelings and we are aware of things emotionally that we can only intellectualize when in our 20's
He is most likely terrified that you will up and leave. He is getting old, and most likely he has noticed a dozen symptoms of old age encroaching. Perhaps a few white hairs in his beard, those fine lines around the eyes, new aches and pains with minor exercise, perhaps he is a bit more breathless after a long walk - oh nothing serious, but just a gentle nudge of a reminder that he is getting old.
Middle Age spread, the fact that we are losing muscle mass, losing our libido (Testosterone levels start dropping rapidly around age 40).
He knows that eventually you are going to seek something younger, healthier, sexier. Its a fact he feels in his very bones. No rationality doesn't play in these, and you can tell him from now until the cows come home you will never leave, he will not feel that - 40 brings with it serous emotions which are not readily shook off.
Nice that you want security in your life... He wants that too, and for him its imperative he squirrels away as many nuts before winter hits. For him winter is a short distance away, you have all the time in the world because as a kid you have no real concept of your own mortality and pretty much consider yourself immortal and 65 so so very, very far off in the future for you you can't feel its weight.
Its too late for him to raise a kid. Children are not cheap, I understand they cost more to raise than a dog. Aside from the big payment of college around 18 years, there are thousands upon thousands of dollars in daily living expenses, computers for school, and ever flowing river of clothing the kid will grow out of, meals, medical, and lets pray the kid doesn't have special needs like braces for the teeth.
For you at age 24, all of that looks very doable. For someone 40+ its suddenly a daunting task.
Unless he spend the past 10 years saving up for a kid, he most likely sees it as financially impossible - well to raise a kid and retire at retirement too. Its one or the other, and trust me old age tells you you have to look out for retirement first.
Your arguments about money tells me he is seriously worried about the future. Just as most 40+ year olds worry. Nary a day goes by without me wondering how I will survive my golden years... I didn't think about that at all until I hit 40.
You might be an 'old soul' but you are still in a young man's body and only have a few short years of real adulthood under your belt so can't possibly understand where your man is psychologically.
You won't really 'get' it until you hit 40, then suddenly all of this 'stuff' that is happening today will become painfully crystal clear.
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Many guys become fathers after age 40, and some do an awesome job of it. My dad was 41 when I was born, and I couldn't keep up with him until I was 16.
However... becoming a father is not something anyone should do as a compromise for their partner. If you want children you need to be with someone who wants them too. I think you need to get clear with yourself and with him about this as soon as possible.
Either way, you are not and have not wasted your life. For 5 years you have known the love of another man, shared your lives and your home. That's huge. Maybe that will continue, but only if you are clear and honest about your needs and can come to agreement.
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Bowyn Aerrow Wrote:You're too young to understand what 40 really means.
I have tried three times to compress what 40 means to a man into a single paragraph, its impossible to boil it all down.
40 is a huge deal, and it marks the end stage of life.
With the average lifespan of males being around 77 years of life, if he looked it up (most likely did because 40 reminds us we are mortal) he is aware that half of his life is gone and from here on out he is closet to grave than the cradle. From here on out everything is going to start gently reminding him he is getting old. Our eyes give up and we have to start using reading glasses. Our bones and muscle start aching over 'little' stuff. Our middles start spreading more, and no matter how hard we try to keep it off it keeps on coming. fine lines, grey hairs, hairs growing in places where hair really shouldn't outta grow are all reminders that old age is right around the corner.
He is most likely worried about retirement. A lot. 25 years (age 65) is a drop in the bucket. By the time you reach 40 you suddenly find that time is swiftly speeding by.
Having a kid - seriously at his age? If you had a baby today, in 18 years that kid is going to need college funds. You seriously expect your husband to be able to meet the savings for retirement and the savings for college all at the same time?
For you its a different story, for you 18 years you will be 42 - you have more than enough time to save for that college fund, then start saving for your retirement.
Do you understand the math? Now do you feel that math. 40 brings with it deep feelings and we are aware of things emotionally that we can only intellectualize when in our 20's
He is most likely terrified that you will up and leave. He is getting old, and most likely he has noticed a dozen symptoms of old age encroaching. Perhaps a few white hairs in his beard, those fine lines around the eyes, new aches and pains with minor exercise, perhaps he is a bit more breathless after a long walk - oh nothing serious, but just a gentle nudge of a reminder that he is getting old.
Middle Age spread, the fact that we are losing muscle mass, losing our libido (Testosterone levels start dropping rapidly around age 40).
He knows that eventually you are going to seek something younger, healthier, sexier. Its a fact he feels in his very bones. No rationality doesn't play in these, and you can tell him from now until the cows come home you will never leave, he will not feel that - 40 brings with it serous emotions which are not readily shook off.
Nice that you want security in your life... He wants that too, and for him its imperative he squirrels away as many nuts before winter hits. For him winter is a short distance away, you have all the time in the world because as a kid you have no real concept of your own mortality and pretty much consider yourself immortal and 65 so so very, very far off in the future for you you can't feel its weight.
Its too late for him to raise a kid. Children are not cheap, I understand they cost more to raise than a dog. Aside from the big payment of college around 18 years, there are thousands upon thousands of dollars in daily living expenses, computers for school, and ever flowing river of clothing the kid will grow out of, meals, medical, and lets pray the kid doesn't have special needs like braces for the teeth.
For you at age 24, all of that looks very doable. For someone 40+ its suddenly a daunting task.
Unless he spend the past 10 years saving up for a kid, he most likely sees it as financially impossible - well to raise a kid and retire at retirement too. Its one or the other, and trust me old age tells you you have to look out for retirement first.
Your arguments about money tells me he is seriously worried about the future. Just as most 40+ year olds worry. Nary a day goes by without me wondering how I will survive my golden years... I didn't think about that at all until I hit 40.
You might be an 'old soul' but you are still in a young man's body and only have a few short years of real adulthood under your belt so can't possibly understand where your man is psychologically.
You won't really 'get' it until you hit 40, then suddenly all of this 'stuff' that is happening today will become painfully crystal clear.
More eloquent and detailed than I can manage.
I'm 34. I tend to be attracted to younger men, most of the guys I connect with are about ten years younger than me. As you get older you start to think about how things will look towards the end of your life and you start to feel the responsibility to provide for people that depend on you a LOT more.
BLUF, give him some time, he's stressed out, he's worried about the future. Talk things out. True partners are honest with each other. Make him understand your worries, and listen to and understand his. You guys sound like you love each other, that usually will work around all the other problems.
Richard
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Thankyou so so much everyone. I needed more opinions. Wasting my lofe was probably the wrong way to put it. I needed things put into perspective and will remember that you canr always get what you want. I do love him and i am willing to compromise. Ill put it down to a 50 percent chance that it may work out the way id like but am now prepared to face the fact that it may not turn out the way i want. You are all so lovely and i look forward to more advice and chats in the future.xx
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You know regardless of his and your age, all relationships are full of risks. Even if you two were on the same age page, there would be differences and compromises and potential risks to break you up and send you on different paths.
All relationships that work out are worked on. Communication, compromise, commitment - the Three C's have to be used day in and day out.
Compromise does not mean one person totally gives all the time, its meeting in the middle where ever possible. You need to reach forward to meet him reaching back toward you... If one of you is constantly giving and the other is constantly taking, then there is real problems in the relationship.
Are you wasting your life? Yes - but then we are all wasting our lives. To a degree - its part of living - that wasting thing. Wait until you sit down and do the math on how much of your life you waste being unconscious at night. Valuable time, forever lost doing nothing! :biggrin:
Even if this relationship explodes someday, you have gained something from it, learned lessons, grown as a person, if you choose to learn and grow. So its not really a waste, its an investment and you do walk away with something in the end.
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My suggestion is ...
Put your squabbles aside right now. Wait until your new home is done, you are moved in and settled.
Then instead of just bringing up the subject of money, suggest to him you both see a financial counselor to see what BOTH of you can do together to save money.
I dont know where you live, but if you are in or near a big city, then I would contact some LGBT organizations and see if there are any gay friendly financial advisors in your area that you can go talk too.
If you let a third party give you advice, it may make things easier between both of you. And you get the benefit of speaking to someone who knows how to deal with money.
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MisterTinkles Wrote:My suggestion is ...
Put your squabbles aside right now. Wait until your new home is done, you are moved in and settled.
Then instead of just bringing up the subject of money, suggest to him you both see a financial counselor to see what BOTH of you can do together to save money.
I dont know where you live, but if you are in or near a big city, then I would contact some LGBT organizations and see if there are any gay friendly financial advisors in your area that you can go talk too.
If you let a third party give you advice, it may make things easier between both of you. And you get the benefit of speaking to someone who knows how to deal with money.
useful advice yet it just covers a bigger problem that bothers me when i read the OP's post. A strong healthy relationship is built on good communication. I think its very disturbing that he refuses to communicate about finances. If having a third party helps that's great but essentially what the scenario becomes is that you still cant talk to him about important matters and you will always need a 3rd party to intervene. He needs to get his act together. If he cannot talk with you directly on important matters the relationship is doomed to fail or at least be very crippled. He will need to figure that out.
As far as kids is concerned, the age gap here is a big issue. You're at a prime stage in your life to raise kids while your partner is not. The act of raising kids should not be taken lightly either. You would need to ensure that you're with a stable partner who you plan on being with for a long time and also wants kids too.
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