Advice on a guy

[dean]

Hi everyone, I'm new here and debated about posting or not but thought that I would because I really need some advice and find it difficult to speak to my friends about this.

Just a brief bit of info about me first :-) I'm a gay guy that is out, but not camp and I don't sleep around. I have had one relationship which ended 2 years ago and we were together for 5 years (since we were 16 basically). I've dated guys since but nothing serious and to be honest, I was happy being single...

I basically met this new guy about a month or so ago and we started dating. First date was amazing, we really hit it off and a coffee turned into lunch, which turned into a walk, which turned into a drink, then another drink, then we went for dinner, and then more drinks, and we spent basically 12 hours together and then we both went home. He was texting me right away telling me that he was so pleased to have met me and wanted to see me again soon. I told him I felt the same, and we met again only a couple of days later. This then went on for a couple of weeks, and we spoke every day on the phone and texting and dating, and he was just the cutest, kindest and sweetest person I felt I'd met - he told me things that blew me away, and two weeks into dating him, I was falling for him.

Then it was his Birthday... and he was out in the afternoon with friends, and I was out of town, but coming back (coincidentally) that same day. He told me that when I got back he wanted to see me right away and be with me - I said don't you wanna be with your friends for the evening, or should I come and join you, but he said no, that he just wanted to be with me. So he did - I got back to London at 17.30, and he was there waiting for me! So cute of him to want to be with me... And we went out for dinner and then he came back to mine, and we talked and talked, and he told me that he wanted me to be his boyfriend and that he was falling for me - I told him I felt the same, and for the first time, we had sex. A few times. And it was amazing. This is the type of person that I am - who likes to have sex with someone once I know them and once I am feeling like I am falling for them. He stayed the night (for the first time) and in the morning we did it again, and then we both got up, and both had to go to work.

Things were amazing! We seemed so like-minded in many ways. As soon as he left, he text me saying that he was missing me already and couldn't wait to see me after work etc. Everything was great. We went out again on more dates, and then a week last Saturday, he again came to mine, he was talking about going on holiday with me and everything was great. He stayed over - Sunday was his day off, and mine, so we were going to spend the day together doing something; looking for a holiday was one of the things on the list. Anyway, he got a call Sunday morning at 8am asking if he could goto work as a few people called in sick and he was the last person that could potentially come in. He's such a nice guy and didn't wanna let his work down, so asked me if I minded and I said no - go to work, we can meet later anyway. All good. We went out for coffee in the morning, and to the park for a while and then he left. Now normally I don't even have chance to blink before he texts me when he leaves but this time he didn't text. I just thought maybe he was stressed about work or what not, so about an hour later, I text him saying sorry that he had to work, and that I'd had a great evening with him as usual and would see him later etc. He just text back saying something like 'yeah was fun last night, pissed off about work, will text you later'. Something felt different in the way he text me but I knew he didn't really want to work so thought that's fine; he's probably just annoyed. He then text me after he finished about 5pm just saying that he had finished and was going to the gym and then going to meet a friend for dinner, and he'd speak to me later - I just said to have a good evening, and speak later etc.

He then doesn't text me all evening but about 11pm I saw he was on Facebook and I just said to him on the chat (as we used to talk on chat a lot), that I hope he had a good night, I was going to bed now etc. and was everything ok? He then told me that he had been thinking and he decided he just wants to be friends, and we should get drunk sometime as friends and have a night out. My heart just dropped when I read the message. How could someone go from saying they wanted to be with you and go on holiday one night to the night after saying this. I didn't want to be angry with him and I just said that I didn't know what to say and that I was very confused, and what had brought this on? All he said was that he didn't want a boyfriend. I just felt sick and told him that I didn't know what to say - he said, let it be for a while and we'll talk later. I said ok.

And since then he never text me. So I text him a few days later (last Wednesday) saying how about we go for that drink sometime? I was hoping that if he did go for a drink I would be able to speak to him about it face to face and I kinda also just wanted to see how he would act to me in person. And he text back saying no and that he didn't even want to be friends. Then later in the day when I went onto Facebook, he had deleted me. I can't describe how I felt, I was just really upset. But then another part of me thought "how can you be upset about a guy that you've only known for just over three weeks". But it's because of how he treat me - he treat me so good. We got to know each other very quickly, and it went from him giving me his all, to him giving me nothing.

Anyway, since then, I have not been able to get him off my mind. So many unanswered questions: Why did he suddenly change his mind? Was it something I did? Is there someone else? Can we still make it work?... I just feel really lost without him and miss him... like I said I was happy enough being single, but now I just feel really lonely. So I text him again this morning saying that I want to meet and talk with him face to face and that I think i deserve an explanation in person. He text back saying that he would meet me on Wednesday but his feelings haven't changed, but he thinks I'm a great guy. So I am going to meet him on Wednesday. What advice can you give me for the meet? How should I approach him? I am just so nervous about seeing him now, but I know that I have to for my own piece of mind. I can't believe I'm nervous about seeing him, when a couple of weeks ago we were planning a future together.

I had a look around for forums and this one seemed really nice and friendly - I'm looking forward to chatting to people on here in the future. Any advice would be appreciated. Thanks if you've managed to read all that! It just poured out of me, sorry if it is too long.

[ThatRobGuy]

Hi Dean,

I'm sorry to hear about your troubles.

Seems like a very odd situation indeed. I'm curious, is he out to his friends and family? How did you meet? Is it possible he is not out and got cold feet about having a boyfriend?

Without an explanation from him, it is really hard to guess what could be the problem. It doesn't sound like you did anything wrong; he appears to have been just as interested in you as you were with him so it doesn't seem like you were too quick or clingy.

[dean]

Thanks for your comment, he doesn't have any family in this country, but he told me that he hasn't told them, but he has not seen them for a number of years. And he told me that all his friends knew that he was gay, but he hasn't had a boyfriend since he came here in 2011. We met online - but both came off the website; he told me he didn't want to talk to any other guys, he just wanted me and was sick of the usual rubbish that comes with a site like that so had took his profile down - I checked, and he had, so I took mine down to.

Once again, thanks for replying, I am feeling nervous about meeting him tomorrow for a drink but I think that I just need to find out what happened I guess.

[Kenny221]

Thanks for your comment, he doesn't have any family in this country, but he told me that he hasn't told them, but he has not seen them for a number of years. And he told me that all his friends knew that he was gay, but he hasn't had a boyfriend since he came here in 2011. We met online - but both came off the website; he told me he didn't want to talk to any other guys, he just wanted me and was sick of the usual rubbish that comes with a site like that so had took his profile down - I checked, and he had, so I took mine down to.

Once again, thanks for replying, I am feeling nervous about meeting him tomorrow for a drink but I think that I just need to find out what happened I guess.

I hope things go well for you tomorrow....I think you do deserve an explanation after how things played out.

[Woollyhats]

Just replying to your post before sleepytime.

Do you think he was closeted Dean? I felt like you hinted at it in your post, perhaps even suspected it. Did you meet any of his friends once? His family? If he is closeted, he might be afraid, which might explain why he doesn't to have a boyfriend.

I personally, was very interested in someone, once upon a time, when I was just learning I was gay a few years back, and basically did the same thing as this person, minus the sex, which is why I came to the conclusion I came too. I met this person , and very much liked him and wanted to be with him, but I was afraid, and back then being afraid was more important than being with someone, so I reacted in a similar way as this person. Admittedly it was something that had just happened, and hadn't occurred because I had specifically looked for someone on a dating site, but it was not a nice thing to do, and because of it I'll always have a little bit of regret, and someone to eventually say sorry too. Your story just reminded me of this.

He may have done something similar. In any case, it's not your fault, it's really a horrible thing that he did. If you meet him again, perhaps try point blank asking him if that's the reason he suddenly doesn't want to have a boyfriend. If he is honest about it, he won't be running.

The other things I thought of were that he met someone else when he was working, and is a player. If he is though, it sounds like he's a very good one, and it's not fair, but you can consider it a lesson learned.

Oh! And I almost forgot,
---> And welcome to Gay Speak!

[dean]

Thanks for your replies guys, :-)

Kumawool, I hadn't actually suspected that! But it kinda does make sense that he could be - hence why he didn't want me to come meet him with his friends on his Birthday, and stuff. I just have been out since I was younger and presumed that he would be out as he's 26 (plus he told me that he was out but that could have been a lie I guess). That is definitely something I will bring up tomorrow, thank you.

[EvenOlderButWiser]

Hey Dean and to the forum.

One thing you mentioned in passing is that he is not from the UK. Can you tell us where he is from, as that can be a factor in why someone would suddenly back off completely from moving a relationship forward?

Usually its something to do with their cultural background.

Whatever it is, go meet him knowing that you've done nothing wrong here, but be prepared for him possibly not to show, or make a last minute cancellation for some reason or another.

Good luck, and let us know how it goes.



ObW
X

[dean]

Thanks obw... You're right I have to be prepared for anything tomorrow, but I don't think I could be feeling worse than the other day...

He's from Slovakia if that makes a difference?

I'm actually a bit nervous about seeing him!
:-)
X

[Bowyn Aerrow]

First welcome to Gayspeak.

Second, understand I am 47 years of age, have been around the block a few times and have been through some 'terrible' experiences. Thus understand that what I am about to say is due to having met pretty ugly people. I'm not trying to be mean at you, just giving you a bit of hard won life experience I have.

There are guys in the world where sex is the ultimate goal. They will lie, manipulate, steal and play all sorts of games in order to 'score' in bed.

My gut it telling me that this fella of yours was never interested in a relationship and used your emotions to get into your pants.

Yes, guys like that will invest a lot of time and energy to 'score', yes they will lie, yes they will play nice, send you wonderful text messages, tell you all the right things in order to get you to go to bed with them.

Once they get what they want, suddenly they turn cold, suddenly there is an excuse to not be in a relationship, suddenly they are too busy, too much work, or have a change of heart and feel that a relationship is not what they want.

A few will try to keep you on the side as a 'friend' this is code for 'fuck-buddy' - meaning they will play you a little longer, keeping hope alive with you in order to keep you in a position where you will be willing to go to bed with them at a moments notice knowing that you have this undying hope that once more in bed will suddenly change their heart and they will fall madly, deeply in love with you.

I fear there are a lot of manipulate people in the world, people who know how to use your emotions against you, and this situation sounds to me like this guy knows you are emotionally invested with him and is using that to get what he wants.

I also suspect that if you sit down and really think hard on the past with him from a more rational view (letting your brain lead, not your heart), you may start seeing some of the moves he made, the little questions which at the time were innocent, but now look like he was pushing for answers to see where you were emotionally.

If you two talked about love, romance and the like, you may find that he agreed with you just a little too often, and that he started doing little things to impress your heart AFTER you mentioned some little thing that charms you.

There may also be things he said/did which caused your gut to lurch ever so slightly and at the time you passed it off as 'nothing' but in retrospect may actually reveal itself to be a clue to his real motivation.

Sit and think, hard and long about what has happened, what he said/did etc and see what your gut tells you. If you feel there is any chance he has played you, disconnect from him.

Seriously, if he is a player there is no winning with him. He will keep you on the side for as long as it meets his needs and he will cut you off the moment he feels there is nothing left to gain.

Personally, if I was in this situation and even if it was 'innocent' or 'honest' lack of interest in me emotionally I would cut the ties clean, tell him goodbye and thanks for all the laughs and try to move on. Clearly he is not interested, and very few people actually become interested after they lose interest.

The best you can do is be good to yourself and try to learn whatever lessons there are in this. There are other fish in the sea (as the old saw goes) and somewhere out there is a guy who will be able and willing to give you what you need.

I'm sorry you have been hurt, the best I can do is give you an electronic hug:

[dean]

Thanks Bowyn Aerrow, you could be right, and this thought had crossed my mind - the only thing that I don't understand about that scenario was that if he was a player, and just wanted to shag around, he could have done that easily - there are plenty of apps to get a quick shag and I know people that do it all the time, so I don't get why he would do all that to me just to sleep with me.... But I guess I will take this with me tomorrow as well.

Thanks to all that replied! You've all made me think about things and all your advice will definitely help me tomorrow! :-) I definitely feel like it is the right thing now to meet him tomorrow and just see what the outcome is, and whatever it is, I think I will feel better knowing that I spoke to him in person and that my mind is in a place where I kinda know what I want to say to him, and I know what I want out of the meeting.

x