I need some advice... warning this is 18+
05-24-2013, 08:56 PM
Your own cry for our help shows that you don't know what to do and have no desire to go down that route yourself. Otherwise you would not be asking what to do.
I think your boyfriend does need help, probably some therapy, talking out his issues and probably not with you, because you are emotionally involved here.
I would suggest that you stand up to him and remain in a camp that would be one of loving but not of hurting. I can't possibly fathom (apart from his depression) what is making him want to be used and abused, but I fail to see how this could be a durable solution, because we're not talking about fantasy here, not talking about knowingly spicing up your sex lives consensually, we're talking about him abandoning himself to your whim, which puts great stress and imbalance in your already teetering relationship (I don't mean that your relationship is bad, I just mean that it's going through some difficulties on account of his state).
I'm wondering whether he's trying to test your love, or if this is something else. I suppose you would need to talk about it, possibly try some different ways of having sex, but I would definitely advise against hurting, just as I would try to dissuade anyone from doing self harm. Once the harm's done, it can't be undone (see what Archubbycub said about doing it to himself), and it could be the end of your relationship if it ends up going where neither of you wishes to go. Maybe your boyfriend is just trying to see how much he can trust you to care for him rather than to use him (for one thing) and maybe he's feeling such low self esteem that he's lost the will to live but hasn't got the guts to take his life (I know the idea is extreme, but depression can sometimes lead to those extremes). That is why, like others here, I would recommend that he sees a specialist who can help him gradually sort out his problems and the way he views the meaning of his life.
There is one possibility to explore in the meantime. Some forms of art can sometimes help someone reconstruct himself, or herself and I'd hope there was something that he was good at that he could explore more thoroughly, whether it was singing, or acting, or painting, or dancing, or yoga, etc... Is there something CREATIVE that you could both partake in, or that he could be learning more about, and practising to expurge these feelings of darkness? Like most illnesses, or weakness, there comes a time when you hit rock bottom and find a need to continue living, and that's maybe going to come some day. His self worth needs to be boosted, but he'll be the only one to be able to change things, actively, not by being passive.
As for you, make it clear that you have no intention of hurting him, and that you don't feel it would be a good idea if you did, because of the fact that it's irreversible. It's a fine line between ultimate trust and abandon. You are allowed to tell him that you don't know how to deal with this demand. Maybe, if it's BDSM he wants, you could both explore it together, both knowing the rules ( Bowyn has broached this subject). But I'm afraid it doesn't sound like that's his request.
Do keep us posted.
All the best,
PA
I think your boyfriend does need help, probably some therapy, talking out his issues and probably not with you, because you are emotionally involved here.
I would suggest that you stand up to him and remain in a camp that would be one of loving but not of hurting. I can't possibly fathom (apart from his depression) what is making him want to be used and abused, but I fail to see how this could be a durable solution, because we're not talking about fantasy here, not talking about knowingly spicing up your sex lives consensually, we're talking about him abandoning himself to your whim, which puts great stress and imbalance in your already teetering relationship (I don't mean that your relationship is bad, I just mean that it's going through some difficulties on account of his state).
I'm wondering whether he's trying to test your love, or if this is something else. I suppose you would need to talk about it, possibly try some different ways of having sex, but I would definitely advise against hurting, just as I would try to dissuade anyone from doing self harm. Once the harm's done, it can't be undone (see what Archubbycub said about doing it to himself), and it could be the end of your relationship if it ends up going where neither of you wishes to go. Maybe your boyfriend is just trying to see how much he can trust you to care for him rather than to use him (for one thing) and maybe he's feeling such low self esteem that he's lost the will to live but hasn't got the guts to take his life (I know the idea is extreme, but depression can sometimes lead to those extremes). That is why, like others here, I would recommend that he sees a specialist who can help him gradually sort out his problems and the way he views the meaning of his life.
There is one possibility to explore in the meantime. Some forms of art can sometimes help someone reconstruct himself, or herself and I'd hope there was something that he was good at that he could explore more thoroughly, whether it was singing, or acting, or painting, or dancing, or yoga, etc... Is there something CREATIVE that you could both partake in, or that he could be learning more about, and practising to expurge these feelings of darkness? Like most illnesses, or weakness, there comes a time when you hit rock bottom and find a need to continue living, and that's maybe going to come some day. His self worth needs to be boosted, but he'll be the only one to be able to change things, actively, not by being passive.
As for you, make it clear that you have no intention of hurting him, and that you don't feel it would be a good idea if you did, because of the fact that it's irreversible. It's a fine line between ultimate trust and abandon. You are allowed to tell him that you don't know how to deal with this demand. Maybe, if it's BDSM he wants, you could both explore it together, both knowing the rules ( Bowyn has broached this subject). But I'm afraid it doesn't sound like that's his request.
Do keep us posted.
All the best,
PA
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