Is this normal?

[princealbertofb]

Thank you guys. My mom gave me a cigarette case my dad used for me to remember him by, but I've decided that I'm going to put it in his shirt pocket with a note I wrote to him tellin how much I love him and how I know he loved me too no matter what. I know I don't need that cigarette case to remember my daddy and it's something I want to do.

I think this is an apt and fit gesture... Well done for thinking of it.

[archubbycub]

Thanks PA. I thought about reading something or saying something but I don't know if I could. But like Nick said I am going to try to quit smoking in his honor, and I wrote that letter to him and put it in his cigarette case and "gave it back to him" and I've made my peace with him as well.

[Bowyn Aerrow]

No it is not 'normal'. Normal implies that we must do X.Y.Z. in order to fit some idealized mold of what humans are supposed to be.

In this case these are all typical behaviors of grief - all of them, how your family responds, how you respond even how strangers will respond in various ways to the 'news'. It is all typical.

There are five stages to grief - this is typical of the human condition: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/K%C3%BCbler-Ross_model
Basically:

Denial, Bargaining, Anger, Depression, Acceptance.

Some people can actually go from denial to acceptance in short order, others have to take a much longer route through each. Others will hit a snag and go back and forth between Anger and Depression (or bargaining and anger, or Denial and depression).

All of these stages can be expressed in a lot of different ways depending on the individual.

EXAMPLE: I respond to depression with laughter - yes I know it seems irrational and illogical and contrary to what the majority think of as depression - however its my 'coping mechanism' to deal with the sorrow. I also deal with fear with laughter (humor), Anxiety with Laughter, even anger with laughter (this is often in the form of sarcasm). Its all part of my coping mechanism which works for me to cope with the plethora of emotions and 'survive' until the end of whatever it is I am going through.

You sister is responding to what she feels in her own way. Most likely she is calling upon her tried and true coping mechanisms and you are seeing those at work. Mom is dealing in her own way, Grand-folks in their own way - everyone who is touched by this event is at a different stage of grief and coping the very best they can.

Yes indeed, their ways of dealing with this will affect how you feel, thus you will get secondary and tertiary emotions, such as this feeling of rejection you are feeling. I seriously doubt they are doing it on purpose.

Your Cousin may be expressing pain a bit more clearly than you thus appear to need the support/comfort of the others more. Most likely being an adult male you are wearing your 'Man Mask' and not exactly showing how much this hurts you.

I suggest you try to find ways to express what you are feeling in a healthy manner. Trust me, standing up in the middle of the room screaming profanities and throwing objects is not exactly a healthy way to express stuff. Pulling people to the side and putting your emotions to a few words is more healthy.


This too shall pass. As long as you are a relatively healthy person you will process through all of these emotions and will eventually hit 'acceptance' and start moving on. No acceptance does not mean you will forget or feel 'happy' over this. You will, undoubtedly, have moments of relapsing severe pain, something will trigger the emotions of loss you feel - but those moments will come farther and farther apart and the sting of hurt will greatly reduce through the years.

You are OK, and your family is OK. While nothing here is 'normal' it sounds like its all pretty much typical and even presenting in healthy forms of expression of the greif process.

[archubbycub]

Yeah I think I skipped the Denial and hot the Barganing a little, but then went straight to anger and depression! Things are a little better right now. No blow ups at lunch today like yesterday.

[archubbycub]

I know I've said this a lot lately, but thank you all for your kind words and thoughts and advice. And I can't say it enough. We went to see dads body today to make sure things were done right. He looked so good. They really did a good job with him. My mom is taking it all pretty good. Yes she has her moments where she loses it, but all in all she's doing good. Thank you all again. Love and hugs to all of you!!

[princealbertofb]

Archubbycub, it's all right to feel all those feelings; Your mum will need you around when she's feeling she's losing it, just as you may need her when you feel you're losing it. Learning to live with the loss is something we all have to do at some stage, so feel free to come and vent or tell us how you feel, whenever you wish to. Managing to speak those words, even if it is in writing, does help to console and comfort, and put heart and soul at rest, eventually.
On a side note, I also thought they'd done a beautiful job on my mother when she passed away. She looked so restful and serene. I was happy for her. I miss her very much still, but I can 'sense' her presence in my life is still very real. I am very thankful to have my dad still. He's 85 today. Happy birthday, dad. mile:

[MisterTinkles]

Well, with the risk of pissing even more people off.......here's my "two cents"...

People cope in different ways. Ok.

They treat you like you dont even exist. NOT ok.

If this were me, I would have thrown one hell of a tantrum, especially if they are going to not only totally ignore me, but treat someone ELSE as his son?!!

This too could be treated as how *I* am handling this situation.

Regardless of how these people are coping in their own way, its still horrendously inexcusable that they shun you like that.

Its nice your mother gave you something of his, and that you put a note in it.
My granny was pretty much my whole family, and when she passed away, I had my Aunt ask the funeral people if she could be buried with one of her dolls and teddy bears. She liked dolls and teddy bears, and I didnt want her "alone" in that coffin.

It made me feel a little better, but I still cried for hours.

I still cant believe she is gone. Even when she was sick and in the nursing home, it never dawned on me that she would die. Its still something I refuse to believe, but I know she's not here anymore.

I feel for ya.

[archubbycub]

I have to say that things have been a little better this evening. However, I did have a moment tonight while we were out to supper with friends and family. One of my aunts, who was there when my dad passed away, started talking about that moment when it happened and I had to excuse myself from the table and step outside for a little bit. It's still to raw at this point to even think about it, much less talk about it.

[princealbertofb]

Archubbycub, I was there when my mother died, and I'm glad I was. It was a fairly peaceful passing, admittedly, but I still felt it was good to talk about it with others afterwards, because in some way, it was cathartic for me, and I was able to put people at rest on the fact that she didn't have time to suffer. Death, from the outside, is a very scary thing to envisage when you've not experienced someone's agony. I think we fantasize it, to some extent, make it into something that it isn't. I know I did.

Some day, perhaps, you'll be able to assist someone's passing. It requires finding in ourselves the strength to let the person go. That's what I managed to do that night. I told her it was all right to go, with all our blessings and thanks. I distinctly remember saying to her, although she was in a coma: "Thanks for giving us life, mum."