I wish this was anon but nevertheless, I'll settle with hoping my bf doesn't frequent this forum! I'm sure the same story is repeated, so I'll try to keep it short.
Two years ago I moved to Canada, and immediately met an attractive and caring guy. Running low of money, he gave me shelter and helped me find a job+apartment.
A year of being comfortable with each other, then I told to him about feeling uncertain and we took a 2 month break without dating others. After overcoming my ugly duckling syndrome, we've been together since.
Now another year later, and again I'm feeling uncertain. Besides the insecurities; I love him, but am not in love with him. The spark seems to have faded and sitting in front of the tv screen each night isn't cutting it. Two years and neither of us has said the words "I love you", I need that passion but he doesn't seem to. I find myself fantasizing of dating and hookups.
Here is a truly caring guy, to who I owe so much for helping me make a life here, and who has followed me unwaveringly throughout my ups and downs (and I had a lot of them!) He helped me to be confident and to live for myself. I read that finding such a guy is very rare, and that "grass is not always greener".
While I love Canada, I'm not in love. I have only one friend and am not sure if my lack of is because I am in a relationship, or because I haven't found my home yet. Thinking about the past, I feel evil to abandon him after all he has done. Of the present, I feel lost and guilty to hurt him. And of the future, I feel imprisoned and lonely.
Anyone relate?
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Yes I can totally relate to this - I'm going through something sort of similar and just posted something up actually.
But we've been going out for nearly 8 years. Yes I do love him but I'm not in love with him. I too think about going on dates etc with other people and imaging what it must be like to see someone else.
Basically I feel trapped and can't see an easy way out. And I feel like I'm being an idiot for complaining as he essentially is a nice guy...and feeling like a tosser for thinking of leaving him.
I guess the fact he says he doesn't love you after all this time is concerning. I guess you really need to think about whether you love him or not?
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It is 'natural' for love to change over time.
That hot passionate stage is often pretty short, it gets replaced with a deeper abiding sort of love. This isn't to say that passion can't be rekindled from time to time in relationships, it just means that love matures, deepens, changes in various ways over time.
There are stages to love. http://www.ericrobersonmusic.com/2013/02...o-through/ Listed them pretty well. Understand that different couples have different lengths of time for each stage, and some couples don't experience all stages. Each relationship is pretty unique and there are various factors that come into play that affect what stage you get into, how deeply, etc.
One of the reasons why the divorce rate is so high in this modern world, is that too many people confuse hot passionate love (in love) as being the only form of love possible. We are raised on a diet of movies, books, fairytale ending that leave us all believing that love is only love if our heart skips every time our partner walks into the room, or that sex is always going to be there.
The reality is that love waxes and wanes over time. There are periods such as the 7 year itch where the couple gets anxious.
It is time you two turn of the TV and have a talk. Talk about what troubles you, get him to talk about what troubles him. Then try to compromise. This means you both reach toward each other, you both 'give up' something to gain a little something. All things have a middle ground and it is possible to reach that if you are both willing to work at it.
Relationships are a lot of work, the couple has to be willing and able to reach out, the couple has to be willing and able to have serious talks and understand that what is being said is a piss poor attempt at conveying deep emotions which are, for most people, difficult to put into words.
I assure you, any relationship you do get into eventually you reach this stage. So it doesn't matter if you are with this fella or another, you will hit this sort of state and be faced with the same issue(s).
IF its sex that is the underlying issue, there are things you two can do to spice up your life. If its intimacy in other areas, cuddling, snuggling - you two can start reaching for each other more.
If you two can't seem to find a middle ground or communicate whatever disturbs you, a couples counselor will help.
I also strongly suggest that BOTH of you TOGETHER start using the internet to study up on relationships. Look up 'communication in relationship' and 'stages of love' and other things that may apply to your relationship. Having the knowledge of what to expect and some general idea of how 'real' relationships work (not some fairytale mythological understanding) will help to solidify and make your relationship better.
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Hello ZZZ, it sounds like you're having that "The grass is always greener" syndrome. While it is true that you're a bit young to settle down to a rather boring life, one that lacks future prospects, maybe this is something that you both need working on. So why are you not having that talk, that talk about a future (yours, his, the pair of you)? Is it something that's difficult to bring up? Does he not seem to realise that you're getting restless?
You haven't mentioned whether there's an age difference between you and your "boyfriend", which might mean that you are both in different places in your lives. You're barely starting out in adult life, what about him? I think we really need a bit more info to be of any help here.
You certainly can't go on in your life feeling guilty about taking advantage of an opportunity to live a better life, and to feel better about yourself. That part of the relationship needs to be valued, definitely, but did he have any expectations about you for the input??? That's definitely something that needs to be discussed. If you owe him anything, what is it? Does he owe YOU anything, in the times that you've shared?
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ABomb Wrote:Yes I can totally relate to this - I'm going through something sort of similar and just posted something up actually.
But we've been going out for nearly 8 years. Yes I do love him but I'm not in love with him. I too think about going on dates etc with other people and imaging what it must be like to see someone else.
Basically I feel trapped and can't see an easy way out. And I feel like I'm being an idiot for complaining as he essentially is a nice guy...and feeling like a tosser for thinking of leaving him.
I guess the fact he says he doesn't love you after all this time is concerning. I guess you really need to think about whether you love him or not?
I don't know if it's that simple, actually. Why do men not say, "I love you" to other men? Maybe a lack of role-models for some of us? Some of us have not been used to hearing that anywhere, nor seen two men say it to one another, nor heard it much in songs, etc... you'll know what I mean. The younger generations may have grown up in a different culture, one where men do actually say "I love you" to other men. It may come easier to some. Then there are those who will say it, jokingly but feeling a bit awkward, so turn it into a sort of joke, thus taking the cheesiness, or the sting out of those powerful THREE little words.
Men can be pretty shy about saying something like that, and it takes a lot of confidence to say it to another man, knowing all the while that it's often "fished" out of us when it concerns women. Women certainly know how to coax some sort of loving response out of their partners, but ultimately, they often complain about us not being romantic enough, or knowing how to give some forms of verbal or gestural proof of our romantic attachment.
Some men find those words easy to say, others think that actions say it louder than words and therefore never bother to utter them.
Here it looks like the actions are no longer saying those words either, so maybe it's time to do a bit of mild "complaining", or, which might be better, and look less begging, you initiate the actions. If they go unappreciated, then it's time to move on. That is if you're not too scared of having to start the dating cycle all over again. I think that's generally what we're most scared of. Knowing what we'll ultimately be losing or giving up and not knowing for sure that we'll get anything better. However if you don't move on, how will you ever find out?
Anytime something like that raises its head, I'm afraid one of you will have to start stating the obvious and initiate a discussion. If not, the relationship is ultimately doomed, if not for both, for at least one of you. Maybe you shouldn't let it die out an unnecessary death if there's anything there to be saved. It's time the positive and the negative were tallied up.
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I think it depends on the culture. I am Vietnamese, so it is difficult for me to say "I love you" like "I eat rice". I will say it, but it is spontaneous in the right moment.
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Thank you for all your replies. I've been thinking over a few days. Clearly a good heart to heart is what I need to do.
As for more details (I'll keep it brief):
* We've been together for 2 years, he's 2 years older than me (I'm 24), I work and he studies. My first relationship, was mediocre into him at first and he grew on me a bit. I feel relaxed around him, but simultaneously unable to express the wicked me as I see he doesn't like it.
* Things I like:
- Similar ideas in money, vacationing and views on the world.
- He's caring, attractive and relaxing.
- Supportive in logistics like visa, career advancement, banking
- Playful character at home
- We're very comfortable in each other's company
* Dislikes:
- Won't introduce me to family and/or friends, has absolutely no plans to. Refuses to meet mine
- He seems to keep me to himself and doesn't support me in trying to make friends (I've only got 1 real friend here)
- When we're around acquaintances of mine, I feel subdued (friends tell me I'm more fun without), via what I perceive as negative reactions to my happy-go-lucky behaviour around others
- The sex is boring. I just give bj's and get a hj in return. Only that, never any ass fun. I like threesomes/bathhouses, he's ok with them, but it's not a long term solution. Porn is the only way I can get my satisfaction. (Sorry for the tmi)
- I do not love him, I love his companionship.
As a first relationship, I compromised much more than one would now. I really enjoy his company, and it's the comfort that we give each other that keeps it going imo. Time to have a real serious speak with him me thinks.
Thanks for your support guys. I'll stick around and contribute to other topics - seems like a nice forum.
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Your list of dislikes just screams a life of unhappyness if you continue to live the way you do, I could take a stab at your relationship and deem him quite controlling based on what you've put there. Relationships are a two way street and you both have to make an effort otherwise, there is no "my way or no way" because both sides have to make compromises in order to make things work.
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I wasn't aware you and I are in a relationship....:eek: :biggrin:
That list of things about him is remarkably similar to me at his age.
For me those behaviors, that lack of wanting to meet my partners folks, that strong unwillingness to introduce my folks, my 'clingy, 'you are only mine' attitude and the other stuff was due to a abusive childhood.
In my 20's I flat refused to acknowledge the truth of my childhood. I even lied and made up stories of an alternate 'happy' childhood which I fed to everyone, yes including my partners.
I have no idea what his childhood was like, or what his past experiences were - but my gut is telling me something 'bad' happened which left a deep mark on him and his behaviors appear to be symptoms of that.
If he is in denial, or feels he must tell a lie, a fiction about his past in order to hide the 'ugly' then confrontation is only going to make things worse.
So this becomes tricky. I strongly suggest couples therapy.
A couple's therapist will have sessions with both of you together and on individual basis.
IF there is a dark history here, a therapist may get him to start talking and working on it during his individual counseling sessions.
IDK. It may be too late to fix 'us' but it may be the right time to put him on a path of 'fixing' 'stuff' in his life if he has a 'bad past'.
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Just wondering but why did you move to Canada?
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Love but not "in love"
