What just happened?

[OrphanPip]

The US court system will never stop amaze me... Try to explain to someone from my country that in four days you managed to press charges, the police put him in jail, there was a trial, he got bailed out, managed to find you hiding somewhere, the police found his comrades who were looking for you, they questioned them, put him in jail again and he got out again.

Seriously... wow.

He didn't get a trial, you usually post bail prior to a trial. Depending on how busy the courts are where he lives it will likely take months before a trial happens.

The proper thing for Grey to do is to continue to report the threats and harassment to the police, this creates a reliable record of the criminal behavior for when a trial does occur. I'm no lawyer, but you might be able to file a civil lawsuit while this progresses if it has effected your ability to work, depending on state law you might be entitled to restitution for the abuse also.

[Nick9]

I see, thanks. It wouldn't be possible in my country anyway.

Isn't it kind of contra-productive to release someone who was arrested because of domestic violence on bail? :confused:

[Bowyn Aerrow]

I honestly do not know how cops accept or tolerate gay domestic violence nowadays, back in my twenties they all but egged it on and did little to nothing, thinking that those 'homos' deserved what they got.

I think now days there are laws on the books to force tolerance, but if you feel the detective or officers in charge of your case are 'reluctant' due to your sexuality, you may need to pursue a higher up.

Also, I fear laws are such that the restraining order really doesn't do much. They still wait until you are physically maimed or something before they actually throw him behind bars and throw away the key.

No not all relationships end this way. Many end downright friendly.

The real underlying issue here is that yours is an abusive relationship, with an abuser you are trying to get far from. Those types of deals rarely go smoothly.

With my second partner it took a few months, and that was serious stalking, him assaulting me, him getting me to lose one job, him calling the cops on me insisting I broke into his place and stole stuff from him. It ended with me 'setting him up' putting drugs in a place he would never stash them himself (he sold drugs so this really wasn't all that shameful of me).

It was ugly. There was a lot of 'tit for tat' as I tried to get the message through to him 'its over'. I tried the legal route, back then gays didn't have rights of any real sort.

Understand he is going to be mean about it, he is going to blame you (he sees no fault in his own actions). He is incapable of real remorse, he is incapable of real sorrow for his actions. He may be sorry if he gets caught, but that is a lot more to do with selfishness than real sorrow.

http://www.maryparrish.org/being_abused.html may be of interest/help to you.

Yeah I know the suggestions pretty much mean you rely 99% on yourself with really no one else to turn to.

As for missing him... This is very typical of the situation. Its not that you miss the abuse, you miss the 'could have been' the 'promises' that he incorporated day to day, the charming person who you first met and thought was really there and just needed time, space, understanding, patience to reemerge.

If it helps, you are 'normal' in this, in fact in the face of all the abnormal stuff going on you are reacting perfectly 'normal', your behaviors, feelings, actions and reactions fall well within nominal parameters against that which you face.

I think the reality is you are doing better than most who end up in this sort of situation. You have the strength and the will to leave. You are also trying to do the right things to break it off.

I won't say it hasn't been an ordeal. Why o why are breakups so messy?! I had him arrested, he got bailed out. Ended up having to change my phone number and go into hiding completely after all the threats that ranged from "don't make me come find you" to "You try and walk away from me and I'll break your goddamn legs". Only three or four people knew where I was hiding, but after he was served with the temporary restraining order he sent people looking for me...and they found me. More calls to cops...they go see him again...it makes him madder. The cycle goes on. I'm living in total fear now, which sucks beyond anything I've ever experienced, I've even taken a week off work because I'm afraid he'll show up there. I owe every good thing that has happened to one friend, who convinced me to leave and has been my rock through this whole thing. But this is still hard, and when you've been with someone for nine years guess what...you miss the son of a bitch even though you shouldn't. I haven't been single since I was 15 and I'm finding I don't like it at all. But still, I know I'm doing the right thing.

[OrphanPip]

Isn't it kind of contra-productive to release someone who was arrested because of domestic violence on bail? :confused:

It depends on the state law I believe, if a crime is designated as a bailable offense then the judge has no choice but to provide the option of bail unless they have exceptional reason not to. The 8th Amendment to the US Constitution prevents judges from arbitrarily determining whether someone deserves bail or not.

[Grey]

I honestly probably would have stood there and let him do what he wanted had it not been for a friend I was talking to (which I met here on gs) at the time it happened. I hid because of my sisters kids, and it was only at the prodding threat of "you call 911 or I will" from this person that made me call. Now I am glad that I did and understand that that was what I needed to do. Since then I feel like I have been seeing things more clearly, like the things he has said to my family I can now see as threats instead of "oh he's just upset" At first he didn't seem to accept that the relationship was over and kept sending me txts that ranged from "just come home, I swear I won't hurt you" to "get your ass home or I swear to god you'll regret it" but later he dumped all my belongings in my mom's yard. My clothes were shredded. I took this as a sign that he got that we were over. I still have to try to get the extended protection order, and I am afraid that my being gay will lessen my chances of getting it. I kept thinking that the cops would have been a lot more sympathetic had I been a woman, though they didn't really say or do anything wrong I just felt embarrassed...like they were thinking "Dude why didn't you just hit him back?" Anyway my thinking is starting to change, and I think that's a good thing. Even though I'm still lonely as hell and miserable!

[Bowyn Aerrow]

I'm sorry the cops treated you this way. And yes the gender thing does play a huge role, women are considered meek and mild and defenseless, while men are consider tough and armed and dangerous.