Hi guys! im new here 
So ive been in a relationship for almost a year with this wonderful guy who has been very supporting and crucial in my coming out and accepting myself. He is very romantic, caring and loving, he has been there for me in a moment of my life where i was in very need of help.
It all sounds great, but sad part is, i was never really into him, at least physically. In that time i was a virgin, i was afraid and confused on what i wanted. I tried with many other guys but i was too afraid and just finished rejecting them. But he gave me the confidence to be myself, to express my love for men.
At first i wasn't even thinking about this, but everyday it just gets worse. i am able to enjoy part of sex with him but to able to orgasm i must fantasize about other men whom i feel more attraction. As you can see, this has lead me to feel unsatisfied sexually , not only generally trying to avoiding sex with him, but also considering sex outside our relationship. So i even got grndr and manhunt to meet new men, at first i didn't have in mind actually cheating, but every time im feeling more tempted, and i don't want to do it because i would never forgive myself for hurting him.
i really don't know what to do, i would be a fool to leave him, i know this, i know if i do it i will regret it, and he would also be devastated (as he has told me) he has done so much for me, but i just feel i left a closet to get into another, because its fake, i love being with him, but i feel no attraction for him...
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Hey Andromeda and  to the forum.
I think whats needed here is for you both to sit down and have an honest discussion about what each of you want from the relationship. Whats clear from what you've posted, is that he's going to already be aware that things are not working as they should. One partner trying to avoid sexual contact is a classic warning sign, and although he may not be talking about it, its likely he's just as unhappy about the situation as you are, but perhaps scared to bring it up.
You don't say how old your partner is. That has a bearing on what advice you will get from other forum members.
What you cant do, is close your eyes to the situation thats developing, otherwise you risk both your sanity.
Good Luck.
ObW
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So your going to repay him all this kindness and niceness by stabbing him in the back, betraying his trust, lying to his face while you go around fucking other men and bringing home every single form of STD to your unsuspecting partner that you can?
I know that sounds incredibly harsh and horrible, but that is what cheating essentially is. And for the person who is cheated on it feels like that, but only worse.
Are you obligated to put out to this guy for ever and ever...?
No!
You are obligated to tell him the truth, you are obligated to thank him and reward him in some small way for all he has done for you, not stabbing him in the back.
Relationships don't work by back stabbing and betrayal of trust. They don't work by keeping lies and secrets. Relationships work when both parties are honest about their needs/wants and communicate where they are at any given moment.
If you want out of the relationship then tell your partner BEFORE you use those apps.
Oh, and my crystal ball informs me that when you hit 38 years of age, you are going to look back and regret breaking up with this particular fellow. Apparently your next three relationships with guys who have the look you seek fail to have the personality you need.
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I am like one year older than him.
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Bowyn Aerrow Wrote:So your going to repay him all this kindness and niceness by stabbing him in the back, betraying his trust, lying to his face while you go around fucking other men and bringing home every single form of STD to your unsuspecting partner that you can?
I know that sounds incredibly harsh and horrible, but that is what cheating essentially is. And for the person who is cheated on it feels like that, but only worse.
Are you obligated to put out to this guy for ever and ever...?
No!
You are obligated to tell him the truth, you are obligated to thank him and reward him in some small way for all he has done for you, not stabbing him in the back.
Relationships don't work by back stabbing and betrayal of trust. They don't work by keeping lies and secrets. Relationships work when both parties are honest about their needs/wants and communicate where they are at any given moment.
If you want out of the relationship then tell your partner BEFORE you use those apps.
Oh, and my crystal ball informs me that when you hit 38 years of age, you are going to look back and regret breaking up with this particular fellow. Apparently your next three relationships with guys who have the look you seek fail to have the personality you need.
yes i know all this... and i don't want to leave him, but how do i convince myself this is right for me? i want to be honest with him but its impossible without breaking his heart and completely destroying our relationship forever...
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Then given both your ages, you definitely need to both sit down and have the discussion, pretty much as BA says.
The breakup of a first relationship can feel like the end of the world and be emotionally draining. But it would be ten times worse to continue the relationship as if nothing is going on, with both of you burying your head in the sand.
Communication, however delicate the subject, is the only way forward. And until you've done that, I strongly suggest deleting said Apps, otherwise you are just putting temptation in the way and going down a very slippery slope which will ultimately devastate you partner and likely destroy any possibility of separating on friendly terms.
ObW
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Hi and Welcome,
Seems you want to have your cake and eat it too; I promise this tact will turn out badly for everyone.
It would appear that you don't want to give up the good - e.g. the security - but, this "good guy" seems to have moved squarely into the friend zone, or, more to the point, maybe that's where he's always been, albeit in disguise.
Guilt, fear and now possible subterfuge are poor building blocks for any type of relationship. Cracks are already appearing.
Until you're honest with yourself, how can you be honest with him? Try figuring out how you feel, sans, the guilt and fear. It's never easy, but if you mean what you say about this guy, it has to be done.
Nobody can tell you what you want - only you can know that; once you figure that bit out then you can move forward - either in a relationship with him or not.
Either way - hopefully he'll remain in your life, in a healthy way.
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andromeda Wrote:yes i know all this... and i don't want to leave him, but how do i convince myself this is right for me? i want to be honest with him but its impossible without breaking his heart and completely destroying our relationship forever...
That I fear is something you need to work on for yourself.
Contentment in life trumps happiness. Or so I believe thus it is the way I live my life. Understand I have defined Contentment and Happiness as two different things - thus my understanding of those two words are, most likely not your definitions.
Are you capable of being content in this situation? Do you need more? I don't know and I can't answer that for you.
Do you love him? Are you content with him (maybe not in bed, but in other areas of this relationship)?
You spoke of the physicality of the relationship not being 100% what you want... What about the other stuff?
Yes there is a risk... however you need to figure out what is important to you. Is honesty in this important to you? Or can you live with keeping it a secret?
Right now you have these preconceptions in your mind that are based on a young man's view point of what life is and is not about. Eventually those concepts will be eroded down, modified, changes as new life experiences give you deeper insight into all sorts of things.
I wish I could hand you the past 20 years of my life experiences I have had, this way you could or would most likely see that the 'rest of it' is far, far more important than physical attraction.
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