One Sided Relationship?

[InbetweenDreams]

So I have started seeing someone new for a little over a month now. This guy is handsome, outgoing, sweet and fun to be around. I like him a lot but I feel that there is something off. Maybe it is just me, maybe we're not compatible or maybe he is taking advantage of me.

It is another long distance relationship. He's about 120 miles away from me, which I am ok with the distance as it is something I am accustomed to at this point. The red flag from the start is that he doesn't have his own car. He's been driving his friend's vehicle for some time now. There is a backstory on all this but to sum it up, his ex ruined him financially, causing him to lose his car and having to relocate from Texas to where he is now. He lived with friends, got a job and has his own place. So he's moving in the right direction and I can overlook the car situation but here's what I don't understand.

He was dating someone previously who was also long distance. He was willing to drive his friend's car to visit that guy but tell me he can't come see me. I have been down to see him every time since we first dated back in early April and as of right now plan on going to see him this weekend and the next.

I feel like I have been a complete fool. He had a birthday last month, I bought him something small for his birthday, nothing expensive but at that time I think we had been on 2 dates maybe? Then for some reason I decided to take him out to The Melting Pot. Super expensive place, for me anyway, to the tune of $218. I also got him this hot sauce he couldn't find when he was in Texas. I just had a huge crush on him and now I am crippled with anxiety because everything feels very one sided.

He says he doesn't like to talk on the phone because he spends all day on the phone, talking to people. Ok, I get that. We sporadically text each other but it is difficult to carry a conversation because it might be hours or possibly the next day before I get replies. Most of the time it's a few hours. I told him that I wanted uninterrupted conversation with him, once a week, something like FaceTime. He cancelled the first call because he had a bad day at work and didn't want to talk to anyone. I guess I understand but it still upset me a lot, but we did talk the next day for a while. We also talked on FaceTime this last Sunday too. So maybe I am just getting in my head about the state of things, it normally isn't a problem. This overthinking and anxiety wasn't a problem with previous guys, I don't know if it is because I like him a lot or something else that I am feeling or maybe not getting from him.

I have tried to talk to some friends. One of my friends played into my feelings while I was upset basically trying to convince me to break it off with him. After talking to my sister about all this I felt that he was trying to manipulate me. He's an older gay guy who I'm fairly certain has a thing for me and probably doesn't want to see me in a relationship with someone else. Or, perhaps he's dead right and should break it off with him.

All I know is that I am not happy right now, something isn't quite right and I don't know if it is him or me. I can be overly sensitive and something get things wrong, so I want to be patient and try to let things play out and not make any decisions in an emotionally charged state.

[ChadCoxRox]

sounds heart breaking...
If you two are not in the space of being able to talk about it specifically then there is your main indicator of the nature and quality of the relationship. You think and feel strongly because you are serious about it and it appears he is not. So, he'll likely string it along as long as you want. Do you deserve this? Do you accept this each day? If the older guy is manipulating you about it your gut read is probably right, but so what? Tell that "friend" direct you are not interested but need his friendship. Maybe he'll be mature enough to let you engage in conversation about both of your situations. The venting may help you both.

BTW, for what it's worth, I can tell a very nice difference in you since beginning to run again. You look more svelte and as handsome as ever. You should actively and OPENLY seek out better companionship commensurate with what you clearly deserve.

[InbetweenDreams]

Well I know i shouldn't obsess over this but one example is this. He's been active on Instagram all morning and has yet to respond to my good morning message from a couple hours ago, this is common with him. It's like, if you got time to scroll through instagram you could respond to my messages.

So based on what I've said, you feel that this is DOA?

[InbetweenDreams]

The other thing is I LIVE IN MY HEAD. Being an INFJ further enhances that. I feel like I could be very much off base with him. I mean I don't know if you remember all the crap that went down with SilverBullet way way back. We briefly dated, had a HUGE crush on him. There was other drama that did involve GS but ultimately because I had this huge crush, the same anxiety and overthinking I may as well had a blidnfold on. So it is very EASY to miscalculate things, unintentionally misrepresent things. It is easy from my point of view to see that things are unbalanced and they probably are. I also have participated in making it unbalanced. He never asked for birthday gifts, or to be wined and dined. That was all me. So, I also think it is unfair of me to take the position of "look at all the things I have done for you." It might also be unfair on his vehicle situation, after all it is his friend's car and probably isn't properly insured (i.e. he's probably not named on the policy). His friend might not want him to put tons of miles on it or might not be aware the he had drove it that far in the first place.

What I am saying I could be picking on things that really aren't a big deal. Then again, everyone might be right. When we're together things seem great just dealing with that in between time has been a challenge for me. I get in my head and think about every possible scenario, thinking about the future, the possibility of living together and so on.

Take my remarks about how I felt he was ignoring me this morning. Perhaps he was running late and didn't have time to reply? See I don't know, all I can do is make assumptions and in my experience taking these things up for discussion is a slippery slope, say I accuse of him of ignoring me, probably not going to go over well.

I don't know but if I do go visit him this weekend we have got to work on ironing things out because I don't see things working out if I feel like this every other day. Either the problem is me or we're just not a good fit and I am willing to put effort in things to make things work but I have to feel that he is putting effort into it as well.

[ChadCoxRox]

Uh, there's reading, and then there's comprehension, and lastly, retention. Looking, and not seeing. Listening, and not hearing.
I'm waxing poetic because I'm in a pissy mood with a long day of multiple clients spinning wheels in overt pots of pity (sorry).
All morning "active" on IG but ignoring your msg should not be interpreted one way or the other if you cannot simply ask him.
If you are afraid you will find out for sure what you'd prefer not to really know, in hopes of holding on, that behavior may not be any worse than his. How's the sex? As adults we don't have to play head games when it comes to intimacy, unless there's need for serious growth. You seem as though you make excuses, from self personality assessment to rationalizing away your trust and intuition. As an INFJ you have better judgement and intuition and only lack a bit of candor. Of course, the candor takes spending some time together. Long distance relationships SUCK. He may be worth the effort, but not from what I'm reading in your posts. Sorry if I'm being harsh but I can relate from my own personal past so just being open. Not liking to talk on the phone because I spend so much time talking with work is most likely a perfect excuse to hold someone you don't truly care about at bay. If you mutually agree to string each other along it's no body else's business, pain, or gain. Now I just want to get it on and go to sleep. LOL  Night M.

[InbetweenDreams]

Uh, there's reading, and then there's comprehension, and lastly, retention. Looking, and not seeing. Listening, and not hearing.
I'm waxing poetic because I'm in a pissy mood with a long day of multiple clients spinning wheels in overt pots of pity (sorry).

I understand.

All morning "active" on IG but ignoring your msg should not be interpreted one way or the other if you cannot simply ask him.
If you are afraid you will find out for sure what you'd prefer not to really know, in hopes of holding on, that behavior may not be any worse than his.

Those are both good points. Frankly, I should be less concerned as to whether he has time to scroll through instagram or reply to my messages. A lot of the time we're both at work and well, probably should be working. But of course this isn't something I only notice during the work week either, so yeah again I think you're right.

How's the sex? As adults we don't have to play head games when it comes to intimacy, unless there's need for serious growth.

We have had fun together in that area but I also seem to have had some issues. I was going to top him but had trouble keeping it hard between getting a condom on and all that and wasn't able to penetrate. So, I'm looking to remedy that and probably is something I need to deal with whether I'm sleeping with him or someone else. I feel like it is just the distraction and frustration which ends up killing the mood for me. Otherwise we have had a good time I think.

You seem as though you make excuses, from self personality assessment to rationalizing away your trust and intuition. As an INFJ you have better judgement and intuition and only lack a bit of candor. Of course, the candor takes spending some time together.

I do. I try to rationalize everything. Same with trying to rationalize and make excuses for him when explaining to my friends why he can't drive up to see me. Frankly, that does bother me. Not his inability to drive up but because he divulged to me before that he was dating a guy in Alabama (about the same distance) and drove out to see him in his friend's car and indicated that he would do the same. I don't want to get him in trouble with his friend who has been so gracious to him letting him use their car, I just want to know what changed?

Long distance relationships SUCK. He may be worth the effort, but not from what I'm reading in your posts. Sorry if I'm being harsh but I can relate from my own personal past so just being open. Not liking to talk on the phone because I spend so much time talking with work is most likely a perfect excuse to hold someone you don't truly care about at bay. If you mutually agree to string each other along it's no body else's business, pain, or gain. Now I just want to get it on and go to sleep. LOL  Night M.

Long distance is a challenge and if both people aren't putting in effort it becomes a problem quickly.

I don't know if he's worth the effort or not to be honest. He has told me a couple times that the only person he would talk on the phone with (for long durations) was his grandmother who passed away. So enter FaceTime. That has seemed to work so far. I do think it is better than a phone call since you can see the person and all but I don't know if he'll keep it up. I mean if he does then I can feel that he's putting in some effort. But him skipping our first call because he had a bad day at work seems kind of weak. I mean I have bad days at work but I never let down someone I care about because of that. So, he may not truly care about me or how I feel and it's something that needs to be addressed directly.

From what he says it should seem like he does. I know he's talked about me to his friends who seem to be very happy we're seeing each other and I only know that because I had a little chat with one of his friends a couple weeks ago while we were out. He's also told me that he's told his grandfather, who as I understand it, isn't really big on the drag queen and gay stuff, that he's we're seeing each other.

So I don't know exactly what I am dealing with here. Am I just being dramatic, is he just not opening up? Is it just his personality? I mean when I go back through things, I feel like I might be on the dramatic side lol. There are certainly times where we're able to text back and forth and have a normal conversation and there's times when I don't hear from him for a while. One thing I did notice is that he does put his phone away when we're out to dinner or doing something, he might whip it out and check something or look at his Apple watch but he's not getting on his phone texting people so it is reasonable to assume he does the same when he's out with his friends. A lot of people I have dated and know are on their phones all the time, so maybe I'm making a big deal out of something that isn't really an issue?

I do think since I am doing all the driving that we might have to strike an agreement, I may drive a Prius but it still costs money to drive and maintain and gas is over $4/gallon again. I don't think it is unreasonable for him to pitch in for gas just as we should split the bill when we go to dinner and such. It should be pretty close to being equal. I'm not trying to keep score on who does what but I would have a hard time believing that he's put more time and effort into this than I have. I do feel now that me buying gifts, for his birthday or otherwise, was unnecessary. It's nice, it was thoughtful but shouldn't make a difference, especially being this early on. So, maybe I've learned a lesson there?

I would try to get him on FaceTime tonight but I am going to be busy with going to the dam for a run, then got to pack my bags and do ham radio stuff. So it seems I need to talk it out with him and hopefully I can get the nerve to be more upfront, I mean I need to. This is why I end up feeling like this it seems. Why I am "afraid" is a good question. Why does it matter if it doesn't go well? I should be able to accept things for what it is and deal with this stuff and know that there's other people out there who are capable of loving me back, that is if this just a case of unrequited love. I do want to give him the benefit of the doubt and be sure though because I have severely miscalculated things in the past like with SilverBullet and in the end everyone hurts when that happens.

I do feel a bit better today about things overall, I just need to accept whatever happens and not allow it to make me feel that be it a success or failure is all that I am worth.

I have to get better at setting boundaries too. I do feel that I am rounding the corner on that but it is something I need to definitely deal with. Not just about opening up but what I am willing to tolerate and be ok with. This worry about keeping people happy so they're not upset with me, or putting others before me never ever pays off. Doesn't matter if it is for work or not. Frankly, having set boundaries at work has allowed me to make more money and have a choice on working events and the arrangement on the AV stuff is better for everyone in my opinion. I just need to apply that to relationships with people [better].

[ChadCoxRox]

Focus on your role in the decision-making and stay connected about it here. I would be interested in how it plays out for sure. Maybe a blue pill and a stiffy up his ass will open up the dialogue. Sorry for being such an ass. If he's THAT pretty, I'd fuck him too. Just sayin'.

[InbetweenDreams]

Just to avoid making a long post, the main takeaway from things is to communicate, communicate, communicate. I also think I need to set boundaries with certain friends who have been criticizing my choice to date this guy. I told another friend, this might be a mistake, I might get hurt, but the choice is mine to make. I feel that as long as my partner is on board with us then this ship is sailing.

Things have been much better now that I have been herd, he understands me better and I understand him better.

[Bookworm]

I'm glad things are getting better between you now M. You're absolutely right, being open and honest about how you're feeling is the best way forward, especially if you've been bottling your emotions and letting them eat away at you. It's sometimes easier said than done though, I think we can all relate.

[ChadCoxRox]

Just to avoid making a long post, the main takeaway from things is to communicate, communicate, communicate. I also think I need to set boundaries with certain friends who have been criticizing my choice to date this guy. I told another friend, this might be a mistake, I might get hurt, but the choice is mine to make. I feel that as long as my partner is on board with us then this ship is sailing.
Things have been much better now that I have been herd, he understands me better and I understand him better.

It was always your ship to sail brother and I am glad you used the key! Love this post.