Ex needs help, should I?

[Crossways]

(Question is at the bottom)

Backstory: me and my ex were dating for ~2 years, and around 2 months ago we broke it off for good. Previously there had been some issues as to our opinions of relationships. He admitted to me that his ideal was one main thing with little flings on the side. I can respect that everyone likes their own thing, but I also told him that I wanted to remain monogamous, and he could choose me and no one else, or someone else more willing to accomodate him. It took him a long time to convince me that he'd choose me over more complicated relationships. So the relationship keeps going for a year, in which time he brings up 3-somes and maybe opening things up. I was upset, and knew i couldn't accomodate him, so i asked him again if he'd rather seek elsewhere. Again, a long (longer) time was spent to convince me he'd be alright. Then came the end of the relationship. He couldn't tell me while we were in it, but after he could tell me that it was about wanting open relationships.

So obviously I hurt about it, and it's hard not to take it personally, despite objective reality :/
Worse, after some time, he broke down completely, in that he uses sex as his only safety-tool to connect with people (there are very large family issues and adolescent angsts in his past). He doesn't have the emotional tools to be an adult, and he's facing a serious depression. I've been in that place, and I want to help as someone who cares (but not as a friend or ex).

The issue (thanks for reading): It is hard to see him, and 'be his friend' when i have to think (and occasionally hear) about the guys he's seeing. He says he wants help, and wants a councillor, etc. but as i arrange these things with him, he blows them off, or 'doesn't want to' he thinks reading about some of these things would do well, or journalling, but then he has continuously ignored it.

The question: He keeps pushing away help, and I'm in a bind as his only 'emotional' connection. He doesn't like to make friends, but he loves to have the sex, and it's driving me insane to be around him. -Should i keep trying to help him through this, or just push him out, and let him go through whatever potentially life-threatening issues he has?

(oh my god, if you read all of this you are insane but also thanks)

[Nick9]

(Question is at the bottom)

LOL! Welcome to GS.

I think that he needs a therapy - a long one. I am not sure if he wants to be saved, or if it's you who wants to save him. But unless he wants to help himself, it won't work.
Try to find a therapist for him and make a deal. Either he'll go, or you will leave.

Helping others is important, but some people will take you down with them. If you feel like you are the only one who wants the things to change...

[LONDONER]

He most definitely needs therapy and you are not the one to give it, I think that he is blackmailing you emotionally and you have to be strong enough to say it to him directly, to accept help from a professional third party or your friendship/relationship is over completely.

[Bowyn Aerrow]

I read it all and I'm not insane, I'm mad - its all tea parties and white rabbits for me! :biggrin:

Ok, to the 'issue' at hand.

Apparently he needs help but doesn't want help. He is making choices in his life which he must enjoy the consequences of or he wouldn't keep making those same choices.

Its nice you want to be his savior and rescue him... but I fear that he mayn't need a White Knight at this time, he may actually need to toddle on his own and fall as many times as necessary before he decides he has had enough of this and seeks help for himself.

He wants a counselor, then he needs to find a professional therapist to work with him. his 'problems' are not for the layman to work on, he needs to have a professional to work with him, and since these are childhood related the 'fix' may take many years of therapy, most likely with many therapists and I suspect that it won't be a 'fix' as much as him learning coping skills and learning how to 'fit in' with the world and accept those things he cannot change.

Clearly you still care for him, most likely love him. That is ok. However you have to decide where the line is for you when it comes to him, draw it and don't cross it.

I know it sounds harsh, but I doubt that you can rescue him/save him or for that matter help him in anyway at this time. You expended time and energy with him in a relationship, how much help did he accept and use from you in all of that time?

He will continue pushing until he decides he needs help. Stop pushing, let go and let God... Or providence, or Fate, or Destiny or just plain old life to take him wherever he is going.

[pellaz]

anyone here should be so lucky go be in a relationship with the OP. He seems kind and caring. but no where in your post did you say you are making progress in finding a replacement partner. I think this will be the fix to your frustration issues with the X.

to answer your question i would say NO you should leave him alone.

[LateBloomer]

The issue (thanks for reading): It is hard to see him, and 'be his friend' when i have to think (and occasionally hear) about the guys he's seeing. He says he wants help, and wants a councillor, etc. but as i arrange these things with him, he blows them off, or 'doesn't want to' he thinks reading about some of these things would do well, or journalling, but then he has continuously ignored it.

The question: He keeps pushing away help, and I'm in a bind as his only 'emotional' connection. He doesn't like to make friends, but he loves to have the sex, and it's driving me insane to be around him. -Should i keep trying to help him through this, or just push him out, and let him go through whatever potentially life-threatening issues he has?

(oh my god, if you read all of this you are insane but also thanks)

I'm with Pellaz on this.

You have to take care of yourself before you can care for someone else.

You have NOT taken care of yourself--yet.

You need to live YOUR life first. And in the meantime, let him live his life. He's not your responsibility.

[Crossways]

I didn't want to use multi-quotes on this'un, but i'm sure you'll know who i'm alluding to.

I'm certainly not trying to be his therapist, I'm just helping him to find one (though yes, the book/journal thing could be considered that). I believe he genuinely wants help, but is losing in spite of himself. I have been dating lately, and made a good deal of friends. I would count myself as ready to begin a new relationship without making comparisons.

Lastly, I would agree with the seemingly unanimous advice of 'distance and let him work it out'. Not knowing if i could act without a bias, i wanted outside opinions. Thank you for the confirmations.

[Bowyn Aerrow]

Your welcome, and please don't be one of those people who come here, ask a question then we never see you again.

I think you make good Gayspeak material and I for one would like to see you posting here having fun, and perhaps even giving others advice. Perhaps if you helped people here you won't feel you need to help the ex...

[MisterTinkles]

HE has made HIS choice, which does NOT involve you.

So, forget him and move on with your life.
Why waste time with someone who does NOT want to be helped?

Help yourself FIRST.......get on with your life, meet other people.

As the saying goes here in the Southern US....
'He's dug his grave, now he has to lie in it'.

[Chas]

Your welcome, and please don't be one of those people who come here, ask a question then we never see you again.

I think you make good Gayspeak material and I for one would like to see you posting here having fun, and perhaps even giving others advice. Perhaps if you helped people here you won't feel you need to help the ex...

We will see how long he stays.

HE has made HIS choice, which does NOT involve you.

So, forget him and move on with your life.
Why waste time with someone who does NOT want to be helped?

Help yourself FIRST.......get on with your life, meet other people.

As the saying goes here in the Southern US....
'He's dug his grave, now he has to lie in it'.

This apart from "He made his bed, he can lie in it".

Help starts within yourself and not someone else.