The monogamy minority

[KB83]

Hello everyone,

I title this one The monogamy minority.

I've been thinking about the topic of monogamy, specifically within the gay community.
The discussion of monogamy in the gay community is surely nothing new but I have a need to express my views/ideas based on my experiences. So hopefully this discussion will spark some constructive debate.

Monogamy is a popular topic amongst both the straight and LGBT community.

This is not a question of the capability of monogamy within the gay community but more in regards to the levels of majority vs. minority.

In my experience based on my location, I find that men my age are more focused on having casual fun than being in a committed monogamous relationship. Of course there are exceptions but I feel it's a high percentage. What do you guys think?

Does monogamy become more of a majority the older the age group?

As much as I would like to glide through this topic without bringing up Hookups or open relationships it's nearly impossible to avoid.

I've made it a mission to talk with people who are focused on hooking up for purely sexual fulfillment. One specific question I asked is if hooking up makes them feel complete.
Most everyone stated that it does not fill the void of loneliness but it keeps them busy and takes care of their sexual needs. The younger generation stated simply that they are young and want to have fun. The pleasures of being young and having fun is likeminded within both the straight and LGBT community.

However is the next transition of growth from hooking up getting into a communicative open relationship?

I found that most men in open relationships are a little older.Talking with them I wanted to understand what a open relationship means to them and from my findings they described they feel emotionally complete with one committed person but allow each other to explore sexually with others.

I noticed that a lot of the people I spoke with in open relationships are not equally exploring sexually. Lots of people would say things like, "I connect with my partner emotionally and we both love each other but my partner likes to have sex with others, so I allow it and am ok with it" Though there is communication and we all know it takes two people to agree to be in this type of relationship but I can't help to wonder.. is it really balanced?

What about teens and young adults who are trying to identify with their sexuality?
Does todays technology have any influence? For example when you type "Gay" into the app store on a smartphone the first things that come up are chat and meet up apps that are basically used for hooking up. Skout, Scruff, Growlr, Guyspy,Mister,Boy Ahoy , Grindr, Adam4Adam, Bender etc..

Does it make a difference?

Is there progress to be done in these area's ?

Are all these various lifestyles and types of relationships balanced amongst one another?

Is monogamy a minority?

Thanks for listening, really looking forward to others views on this topic.

[VileKyle]

I've always been purely monogamous and my mind isn't changing on that matter. I know other people who aren't like that and I don't judge them, but monogamy is the only way that feels right to me in relationships. I don't even like the idea of one-night-stands. Heck, I don't even think about other people (beyond basic physical attraction that goes nowhere) while I'm with someone else. I don't know if I'm a minority or part of the majority, but that's where I stand.

[Kenny221]

I've always thought of relationships as a monogamous thing...I think the idea of being in an 'open' relationship or a casual one just makes my heart ache. I mean , for me while growing up, monogamous was the only relationship there was and it was the only kind of relationship I would look for....

[Crossways]

i've dated my share of non-monogamous/poly people. while certainly there are those that truly want to 'share the love' and have many kinds of relationships in their lives, the great majority simply want the freedom of sexual novelty, as opposed to facing sacrifice or accommodation of their 'primary' partner.

in my own experience, while sure- i'd love to sleep around- i feel that it would make the central relationship lose it's value. if i can go anywhere for sex, i can go anywhere for any one piece of what i want. in sacrifice comes value, given the perception of importance we as human beings have. there's always the piece of furniture we can't throw away even though it's faulty, or the toaster that needs a little extra attention lest the bagels burn- we do it in part because it's become important to us through experience and the sacrifice of doing a little extra.

so yes, i've seen that monogamy is in the minority, but additionally, i have seen that there isn't alot of true polyamory, but rather an escape from the pressures of a valuable (and therefor more potentially costly) relationship.

-hope it helps

[Tyrion]

*beats his router with his keyboard in a fit of nerdrage *

Erm.. on the topic.. I'm all for monogamy, and that's the only type of relationship I would be in. I'm not at all into sleeping around or being with multiple people at once. I also don't see it as a minority. Everyone I know really is in a monogamous relationship.

[Undreamt]

there is a big big difference between an open relationship and a polyamourous relationship, then you also have the different perspectives from each of the people involved.

Monogamous - Emotionally connected to / having a relationship with one person
Polyamourous - Emotionally connected to / having a relationship with multiple people

Open - Sexually active with multiple people
Closed - Sexually active with only one person.

In my opinion from most common to least common people would be
Monogamous & closed
Monogamous & open
poly & open
Poly & closed

I would consider myself in a Monogamous open relationship
I know a couple who are poly/closed - they date other people but only sleep with each other.

It takes all kinds of people

[Undreamt]

but mono meaning 1 and poly meaning more than one, how can you redefine a word by adding what is essentially a post script?

it happens all the time in the english language

besides amour relates to love it doesn't necessitate physical sexual intimacy.

I suppose you could say that people can be in polysexual relationships rather than open relationships but that could get confusing considering the way prefix-sexual is already used.

[TomStatic]

Yeah i believe the friendship has to be there first before Manogamy can truly work
I always hear of many guys my age just getting with guys would last 2weeks - 1 month then single again so to me that is just they get bored and want another few week thing

[Drew]

Hi KB83, fellow Connecticut gay here! Whereabouts?

I've always had an interest in this subject, but not having been in a situation where I had to decide "do I want to stay monogamous or should we explore an open relationship?", I'm not really sure where I stand, lol. I know gay couples who are open and it seems to work for them. Sometimes I say I'd be cool with a partner who wanted to play around with other guys (safely), but I'm not sure that would actually work in practice (I haven't tested my jealousy restraint). All I know is that when I'm "comfortable" with a guy, I only want to be with him physically. I might fantasize about others, but pursuing and having sex with others probably wouldn't enter my mind.

I think as we see marriage equality evolve and become the status quo, you'll see a greater push for monogamy and closed relationships in the gay community.

[Bowyn Aerrow]

Promiscuity it touted as a way of life in the gay male side of things not because they are gay, but because they are male.

Males are hard wired to sow their seed far and wide, the very shape of the penis and all of that furious pumping we do in order to get off is to 'suck out' competing semen from the hole that we are 'doing it' with. The average size of the testicles for hominid species (including apes and monkeys) tells an interesting tale of how much semen they need to produce to be competitive based on their particular species level of monogamy/promiscuity. Gorillas tend to have smaller testicles than humans (proportionally) simply because a male is not competing with a lot of other males to insure the survival of his DNA to the next generation. One such interesting study of testicle size and promiscuity: http://joequirk.com/Sample_3.html

Another interesting study suggests that one can measure a man's faithfulness by the size of his balls.... http://www.newvision.co.ug/D/8/16/475547

Monogamy is a construct of social protocols with the purpose to get around all of that promiscuity and make it to where a male can insure the survival of his DNA.

All of those complex emotions and notions about 'faithfulness' and that a relationships between two people should be monogamous, is largely due to that motivation to insure our DNA survives.

Women were not treated as property because they are 'weaker' or 'stupid' they were treated and still are treated as property in some places as an outgrowth of social mores that were designed to insure that a males DNA would make it to the next generation. What better way to insure its your DNA that is in the next generation than to keep the female all to yourself?

Marriage (one man one woman) was devised to insure survival of the DNA. Love, commitment to the mate has more to do with insuring that the offspring survive than any real satisfaction of the individual. Sure love is a bit more complex than that, owning that many of the motivators humans have do more than one thing, love is also a way for the society to survive and for the individual to survive, so its not all about just protecting the offspring.

Humans are still adaptive creatures, and rarely rely on just one trick to survive. If we were one trick species we would not exist, thus we have the great diversity of every aspect of the human condition, from physical body types to social structures (cultures) to even how each individual is motivated to act/react to different situations.