To my friends who enjoy a glass of wine.. and those who don't.[B]
As Ben Franklin said: In wine there is wisdom, in beer there is freedom, in water there is bacteria. In a number of carefully controlled trials, scientists have demonstrated that if we drink 1 litre of
water each day, at the end of the year we would have absorbed more than 1kilo of Escherichia coli, (E. coli) - bacteria found in faeces. In other words, we are consuming 1 kilo of crap.[/B][B]
However, we do NOT run that risk when drinking wine & beer (or tequila, rum, whiskey or other liquor) because alcohol has to go through a purification process of boiling, filtering and/or fermenting. [/B][B]
Remember: Water = Crap Wine = Health[/B][B]
Therefore, it's better to drink wine and talk stupid, than to drink water and be full of crap.[/B][B]
There is no need to thank me for this valuable information: I'm doing this [/B][B]
as a public service[/B]
![[-]](https://gayspeak.com/images/duende_v3_local/collapse.png)
•
A small guy walks into an elevator and as he enters, he notices a huge, very muscular dude standing next to him.
The big dude looks down at the small guy and he says:
"7 feet tall, 350 pounds, Turner Brown".
Upon hearing this, the small guy faints!
Surprised, the big dude picks up the small guy and brings him back to consciousness by slapping and shaking him.
He asks the small guy, "Hey,buddy, what's wrong?"
The flustered little guy says, "Excuse me but what did you just say?"
The big dude smiles and says, "7 feet tall, 350 pounds, and my name is Turner Brown."
The small guy says, "Oh, thank God. I thought you said 'Turn around.'
•
WHICH WOULD U CHOOSE?
A HUSBAND IS AT HOME WATCHING A FOOTBALL GAME WHEN HIS WIFE INTERRUPTS, 'HONEY, COULD YOU FIX THE LIGHT IN THE HALLWAY? IT'S BEEN FLICKERING FOR WEEKS NOW'.
HE LOOKS AT HER AND SAYS ANGRILY, 'FIX THE LIGHT, NOW? DOES IT LOOK LIKE I HAVE AN ELECTRICIAN'S LOGO PRINTED ON MY FOREHEAD? I DON'T THINK SO!'
THE WIFE ASKS, 'WELL THEN, COULD YOU FIX THE FRIDGE DOOR? IT WON'T CLOSE RIGHT.'
TO WHICH HE REPLIED, 'FIX THE FRIDGE DOOR? DOES IT LOOK LIKE I HAVE HOTPOINT WRITTEN ON MY FOREHEAD? I DON'T THINK SO.'
FINE, SHE SAYS, 'THEN YOU COULD AT LEAST FIX THE STEPS TO THE FRONT DOOR?' THEY'RE ABOUT TO BREAK.'
'I'M NOT A DAMN CARPENTER AND I DON'T WANT TO FIX THE STEPS', HE SAYS. 'DOES IT LOOK LIKE I HAVE WOODIE'S D.I.Y. WRITTEN ON MY FOREHEAD? I DON'T THINK SO. I'VE HAD ENOUGH OF YOU. I'M GOING TO THE BAR!!!'
SO HE GOES TO THE BAR AND DRINKS FOR A COUPLE OF HOURS. HE STARTS TO FEEL GUILTY ABOUT HOW HE TREATED HIS WIFE, AND DECIDES TO GO HOME AND HELP OUT. AS HE WALKS INTO THE HOUSE HE NOTICES THE STEPS ARE ALREADY FIXED. AS HE ENTERS THE HOUSE, HE SEES THE HALL LIGHT IS WORKING. AS HE GOES TO GET A BEER, HE NOTICES THE FRIDGE DOOR IS FIXED.
'HONEY', HE ASKS, 'HOW'D ALL THIS GET FIXED?'
SHE SAID, 'WELL, WHEN YOU LEFT I SAT OUTSIDE AND CRIED. JUST THEN A NICE YOUNG MAN ASKED ME WHAT WAS WRONG, AND I TOLD HIM. HE OFFERED TO DO ALL THE REPAIRS, AND ALL I HAD TO DO WAS EITHER GO TO BED WITH HIM OR BAKE A CAKE.'
HE SAID, 'SO WHAT KIND OF CAKE DID YOU BAKE HIM?'
SHE REPLIED, 'HELLOOOOO.......DO YOU SEE DELIA SMITH WRITTEN ON MY FOREHEAD? I DON'T THINK SO!'
•
An engaged couple got married and, immediately following their ceremony, the husband laid down his rules:
"I'll be home when I want, if I want, and at whatever time I want," the husband announced.
"And, I don't expect any hassle from you. Also, I expect a decent meal on my table every evening, unless I tell you otherwise.
"I'll go hunting, fishing, boozing, and card-playing with my buddies whenever I want. Those are my rules. Any comments?"
After just the slightest hesitation, his beautiful new bride replied, "No, honey, that's fine with me. But, just understand that there'll be sex here at seven o'clock every night... whether you're here or not."
•
You're getting company in 30 minutes. Your house is a mess. What Will You Do?
Secret Tip 1: Door Locks
If a room clearly can't be whipped into shape in 30 days - much less 30 minutes - employ the Locked Door Method of cleaning. Tell anyone who tries to go in the room that the door is intentionally locked.
CAUTION: It is not advisable to use this tip for the bathroom.
Time: 2 seconds
Secret Tip 2: Duct Tape
No home should be without an ample supply. Not only is it handy for plumbing repairs, but it's a great way to hem drapes, tablecloths, clothes, just about anything. No muss, no fuss.
Time: 2-3 minutes
Secret Tip 3: Ovens
If you think ovens are just for baking, think again. Ovens represent at least 9 cubic feet of hidden storage space, which means they're a great place to shove dirty dishes, dirty clothes, or just about anything you want to get out of sight when company's coming.
Time: 2 minutes
Secret Tip 4: Clothes Dryers
Like Secret Tip 3, except bigger.
CAUTION: Avoid hiding flammable objects here.
Time: 2.5 minutes
Secret Tip 5: Washing Machines & Freezers
Like Secret Tip 4, except even bigger.
Time: 3 minutes
Secret Tip 6: Dust Ruffles
No bed should be without one. Devotees of Martha Stewart believe dust ruffles exist to keep dust out from under a bed or to help coordinate the colorful look of a bedroom. The rest of us know a dust ruffle's highest and best use is to hide whatever you've managed to shove under the bed. (Refer to Secret Tips 3, 4, 5).
Time: 4 minutes
Secret Tip 7: Dusting
The 30-Minutes-To-A-Clean-House method says: Never dust under what you can dust around.
Time: 3 minutes
Secret Tip 8: Dishes
Don't use them. Use plastic or paper and you won't have to.
Time: 1 minute
Secret Tip 9: Vacuuming
Stick to the middle of the room, which is the only place people look. Don't bother vacuuming under furniture. It takes way too long and no one looks there anyway.
Time: 5 minutes, entire house; 2 minutes, living room only
Secret Tip 10: Lighting
The key here is low, low, and lower. It's not only romantic, but bad lighting can hide a multitude of dirt.
Time: 10 seconds
Secret Tip 11: Bed Making
Get an old-fashioned waterbed. No one can tell if those things are made up or not, saving you hundreds of seconds over the course of a lifetime.
Time: 0
Secret Tip 12: Showers, Toilets, And Sinks
Forget one and two. Concentrate on three.
Time: 1 minute
Secret Tip 13:
If you already knew at least 10 of these tips, don't even think about inviting a Martha Stewart type to your home.
•
princealbertofb Wrote:A small guy walks into an elevator and as he enters, he notices a huge, very muscular dude standing next to him.
The big dude looks down at the small guy and he says:
"7 feet tall, 350 pounds, Turner Brown".
Upon hearing this, the small guy faints!
Surprised, the big dude picks up the small guy and brings him back to consciousness by slapping and shaking him.
He asks the small guy, "Hey,buddy, what's wrong?"
The flustered little guy says, "Excuse me but what did you just say?"
The big dude smiles and says, "7 feet tall, 350 pounds, and my name is Turner Brown."
The small guy says, "Oh, thank God. I thought you said 'Turn around.'
i don't understand why he fainted :confused:  :biggrin:
•
pocket_pilgrim Wrote:i don't understand why he fainted :confused::biggrin:
Of course you didn't.... You're so innocent, Pilgrim... Pelerinul de Buzunar...
•
Can anyone help with this [SIZE=3]software problem my friend is experiencing?[/SIZE]
Eighteen months ago he upgraded to Girlfriend 1.0 from Drinking Mates 4.2 which he'd used for years without any trouble. However, there are apparently conflicts between these two products and the only solution was to try and run Girlfriend 1.0 with the sound turned off.
To make matters worse, Girlfriend 1.0 is also incompatible with several other applications, such as Lads Night Out 3.1, Football 2 and Playboy 6.1. Successive versions of Girlfriend proved no better. A shareware beta-program, Party Girl 2.1 had many bugs and left a virus in his system, forcing him to shut down completely for several weeks. Eventually he tried to run Girlfriend 1.2 and Girlfriend 1.0 at the same time, only to discover that when these two systems detected each other they caused severe damage to all his hardware.
Sensing a way out, he upgraded to Fiancée 1.0 only to discover that this product has to be upgraded to Wife 1.0. He did this largely because, whilst Wife 1.0 uses up all available resources, it does come bundled with FreeSex Plus and Cleanhouse 2000. However my friend discovered that Wife 1.0 can be very unstable and costly to run. For example, any mistakes he made were automatically stored in Wife 1.0's memory and could not be deleted, they then resurfaced months later. Wife 1.0 also has an automatic Diary Explorer and E-mail porn filter, and can, without warning, launch Photostrop and Whingezip. These latter products have no helpfiles and he has to try and guess the problem himself.
Additional costly problems are that the Wife 1.0 bundle that came with the original system needs updating regularly, requiring Shoe Shop Browser Pro for new attachments and Hairstyle Express needs to be reinstalled every other week. It also conflicted with some of the new games he wanted to try, stating that they are an illegal operation. When Wife 1.0 attaches itself to his Audi TT programme it often crashes or runs the system dry. Wife 1.0 also has a rather annoying pop-up called Mother-in-Law, which can't be turned off.
Recently he's been tempted to try Mistress 2000, but there could be problems, if Wife 1.0 detects the presence of Mistress 2000 it will delete all MS Money files before un-installing itself.
Tough one? Any suggestions???
•
For years, it has been believed that electric bulbs emit light, but recent information has proved otherwise. Electric bulbs don't emit light; they suck dark. Thus, we call these bulbs Dark Suckers. The Dark Sucker Theory and the existence of dark suckers prove that dark has mass and is heavier than light.
First, the basis of the Dark Sucker Theory is that electric bulbs suck dark. For example, take the Dark Sucker in the room you are in. There is much less dark right next to it than there is elsewhere. The larger the Dark Sucker, the greater its capacity to suck dark. Dark Suckers in the parking lot have a much greater capacity to suck dark than the ones in this room.
So with all things, Dark Suckers don't last forever. Once they are full of dark, they can no longer suck. This is proven by the dark spot on a full Dark Sucker. The dark which has been absorbed is then transmitted by pylons along to power plants where the machinery uses fossil fuel to destroy it.
A candle is a primitive Dark Sucker. A new candle has a white wick. You can see that after the first use, the wick turns black, representing all the dark that has been sucked into it. If you put a pencil next to the wick of an operating candle, it will turn black. This is because it got in the way of the dark flowing into the candle. One of the disadvantages of these primitive Dark Suckers is their limited range.
There are also portable Dark Suckers. In these, the bulbs can't handle all the dark by themselves and must be aided by a Dark Storage Unit. When the Dark Storage Unit is full, it must be either emptied or replaced before the portable Dark Sucker can operate again.
Dark has mass. When dark goes into a Dark Sucker, friction from the mass generates heat. Thus, it is not wise to touch an operating Dark Sucker. Candles present a special problem as the mass must travel into a solid wick instead of through clear glass. This generates a great amount of heat and therefore it's not wise to touch an operating candle.
This is easily proven for lightbulbs too. When you compress a gas, it gets hot, right? So the light bulb gets hot because of all the dark being squished into the wires.
Also, dark is heavier than light. If you were to swim just below the surface of the lake, you would see a lot of light. If you were to slowly swim deeper and deeper, you would notice it getting darker and darker. When you get really deep, you would be in total darkness. This is because the heavier dark sinks to the bottom of the lake and the lighter light floats at the top. The is why it is called light.
Dark Suckers are only able to suck dark in a straight line. Dark, because of its mass, will not penetrate solid, opaque objects as it is being sucked by a Dark Sucker. When a Dark Sucker is operating, you will notice that dark that is behind a solid, opaque object does not flow through the object or around it to the Dark Sucker. Some of the dark will accumulate on the side of the object away from the Dark Sucker as the Dark Sucker attempts to pull it through the object. These residual patches of dark are often referred to as 'shadows.'
Some surfaces are able to function as secondary Dark Suckers by sucking the dark from behind solid objects at an angle and then rerouting it to the primary Dark Sucker. These surfaces have a property we refer to as 'reflective.'
Finally, we must prove that dark is faster than light. If you were to stand in a lit room in front of a closed, dark closet, and slowly opened the closet door, you would see the light slowly enter the closet. But since dark is so fast, you would not be able to see the dark leave the closet.
So next time you see an electric bulb, remember that it is not a light emitter but a Dark Sucker.
•
[B]1 star hangover *[/B]
No pain. No real feeling of illness. Your sleep last night was a mere disco nap, which is giving you a whole lot of misplaced energy. Still able to function relatively well. However, you can drink 10 bottles of water and still feel as parched as the Sahara. Even vegetarians are craving a Cheeseburger and a side of Fries.
[B]2 star hangover * *[/B] [B]3 star hangover * * *[/B] [B]4 star hangover * * * *[/B] [B]5 star hangover * * * * *[/B] [B]6 star hangover * * * * * *[/B]
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