Advice on mixed signals?

[forestblue]

So, I'm a 17 year old gay guy going into senior year, and I moved to a new school in the middle of last year. I already had friends there who knew I was gay, am very open about my sexuality, and tend to be very sociable and meet lots of people fast, so within a couple of weeks everyone in my newfound social circles at school knew I was gay. Anyways, I started to have a thing for this guy who was in my math class, at first mainly just thinking he was pretty cute. Over time, as I started to get to know him more I started to grow feelings towards him. We share a LOT of the same mutual friends, so I started asking around if he had ever dated anyone, and everyone I asked said he had never dated anyone or had any sort of a thing with any girls, a couple even saying that many people in our grade suspect he is gay.

Being a very masculine gay guy myself who usually people assume at first is straight, I know it's not necessarily fair to base judgements off of stereotypes, but I couldn't help but notice a couple of things. One, all of his closest friends are girls, and he often has very close platonic relationships with them, where he'll be the only guy at an all girl bonfire or he'll have a girl who he has no romantic interests in come over and watch tv at his house late at night. Occasionally, he'll use very effeminate mannerisms or say things that would sound very questionable I guess for most straight guys, although I wouldn't classify him as an obviously effeminate guy per say. He also knows movies like mean girls by heart and has said things like "MTV's Girl Code is like Guy Code but waaay better". I know none of these things necessarily mean anything but they made me wonder.

Anyways, I asked one of my close friends to maybe gauge the situation with him. She decided to approach him after school one day and tell him directly "an anonymous gay guy in our grade likes you". Now, she told him this right around the time everyone found out I was gay, so while it wasn't 100% made clear, I feel like he'd have to be reaaaaaal oblivious to not have an idea that the only openly gay guy in our grade (me) might like him.

Now, through the months as I got to know him, the "chemistry" you might say heated up a lot. We'd make toooons of prolonged eye contact in class, if I made a dumb joke or goofy face it almost always would make him laugh and blush, and I just got this very strong gut feeling that it was right I guess. I tried to invite him to a show I was playing (I play in bands) but he got real sick and couldn't make it, and ever since then became very insistent on having to make it to my next show, and even stayed up until around 1 that night talking with me on facebook. As school came to an end, we started talking a lot more about hanging out during the summer.

Here's where I've ran into a lot of.... weirdness. One day, he'll talk on facebook and be increeeeedibly flirtatious and talk in ways no platonic guy friends talk, especially when one is openly gay and hasn't been too subtle about his feelings for the other, and he'll do all sorts of things like insist on giving me his number so I can text him or stick up for me in a very consoling way if a friend is ribbing me jokingly, and basically do all sorts of things that, especially assuming he has a good idea that I like him, would strongly suggest he likes me back. The next day, however, he'll be very short and punctual in conversation, or seem very withdrawn.

For instance, one night we had a movie night and the couple of times I tried to get close to him he seemed to shy away a little, although he did act very flirtatious in other ways that night and send other signals. The next night, me and a mutual girl friend were over at his house and we were all watching tv on an inflatable mattress, when we started all horse playing. We were all rolling over one another and goofing around, making all sorts of body contact which was waaaay more touchy feely than almost any straight guy I know would EVER feel comfortable with doing to either an openly gay guy who's made it somewhat clear how he feels or a straight girl who he has no romantic interests in.

I really really really like this guy, but don't know how to advance the situation at all because sometimes things will seem to move forward in leaps and bounds, and then a day or two later things will shut down and I'll become real bummed out, only for things to heat up a couple days later. Do any of you have any advice on what to do in this situation to try to progress things in a way that might be comfortable for him?

[Nick9]

Hi and welcome
I would say that he may be gay, but "searching" Maybe he is still not sure if being gay is ok (or ok for him and the way he planned his life to be). Maybe he fights his own feelings. One day he is bold, the next day scared that it will get out of his hands.

[forestblue]

Hi and welcome
I would say that he may be gay, but "searching" Maybe he is still not sure if being gay is ok (or ok for him and the way he planned his life to be). Maybe he fights his own feelings. One day he is bold, the next day scared that it will get out of his hands.

Thanks! that's the general sense that I got, cause there just seemed to be too many signs (especially given between my friend talking to him and me constantly inviting him out to different outings and what not) coming from him to believe that there wasn't anything there, I don't know some of our interactions have just been... TOO obvious for me to believe that there isn't anything. But I think that makes sense, that one day he might be really confident and go for it and then when I take that as a sign to progress things he freaks out and backs out.

I guess my biggest question would be, how do I try to move things forward in a way that won't make him potentially uncomfortable? Like I said, I constantly make the effort to hang out with him (in the first week school's been out we've hung out 5 or 6 times) and he always reciprocates, which seems like a sign that as long as I instigate things especially in a group setting he's alright, but do you think it'd be a bad idea per say to try to very casually instigate hanging out as just the two of us? And if we were hanging out as just the two of us, do you think it'd be too aggressive to go forward with it and tell him how I feel?

[Nick9]

When I am using my cellphone, I keep my answers short. Look at Krupt's post, he is right. If you want to know, you will have to ask the boy. Verbally, or nonverbally (touching his hand for a start for example)

[forestblue]

All the stereotypes you are talking about are exactly that, stereotypes

Oh yeah no I totally understand that. More of what has lead me to believe there is something there is our interactions. There are times where we'll be in a group of friends, and someone will make a joke and we'll all laugh, and I'll look up and he'll be looking at me smiling, and we'll both just look into each others eyes smiling for 7 or 8 seconds. Also where as he is very sarcastic and likes to joke around about all of our friends, whenever someone jokingly pokes fun at me he immediately will like pat my shoulder and say something consoling, like one time a friend as a joke said "I'm tired of your shit" and he touched my shoulder and looked into my eyes and said "I'm not tired of your shit" in a very consoling tone. So those are more the reasons why I feel like there's something there, especially given that he's done all of these things with the knowledge that I'm gay and likely with a strong notion that I like him, if that makes more sense?

I guess my big thing is like, I'm worried that if he is gay all of this mixed signal stuff is because he's afraid of moving things too fast, so I was more wondering how to go about asking him in a way that won't seem to fast or like I'm putting him on the spot?

[Lordswitch]

Hello and Welcome!

I think you are walking on thin ice with this one. I had something similar when I was between the ages of 13 and 14. In the end I asked the guy and he said he was straight. 15 years later, we are still very good close friends and he is still straight, having had several long term girlfriends.

My best friend and me do alot of stuff together that others would deem "gay" behaviour. There is an injoke in our martial arts club that me and this guy are married. Yet he is 100% gay.

You know, guys are not comfortable with other guys. Sometimes the normal male behaviour doesn't appeal to straight guys and they want real friendships that are close, kinda physical, yet it is all platonic. Alot of my straight friends flirt with me jokingly and we have very funny banter. Doesn't need to mean anything.

My advice is this: Contact him and say you'd like to have a chat about something, and do it in a public place. Somewhere where you won't be disturbed by friends accidentally walking in, and where he feels relaxed enough due to other people being present. Then keep it short.

Tell him you really like him as a friend and you would not want to do anything that could ruin your friendship, however you think you have feelings for him. Tell him that if he is straight and doesn't have any feelings for you then you hope to be friends, there are many celebrity gay/straight bromance friends out there "haha".

You know, something along those lines. We are not mindreaders and it is always easier to ask and be honest.
Worst case: you might loose a friend.
Best case: He likes you too
Normal case: he is str8 and likes you lots as a gay best friend.

Hope this helps?

[Bowyn Aerrow]

Or he is confused about coming out of the closet. Your age group will have a lot of gays who are closeted and willing but at the same time unwilling to get involved out of fear of being forced out of the closet.

There is only one tried and true method to find out what it is he is and what he wants, and that is to pull him aside (alone and face to face, not text, not phone, not email - face to face only) and ask him point blank 'Are you gay? If so are you interested in me as a potential BF?'

Look, you are the one who is out, and most likely you are going to be far more aggressive than him. you are the social critter, he sounds like a wall flower thus already has shyness as a strike against him for leading any potential relationship.

You will, undoubtedly, discover that some guys are just too passive to blurt out their feelings, or to take matters in hand and do the leading, while others are aggressive, do the approach, lead the conversation, and do the seducing and what not.

You might have a perfect storm of influences going on here, he is passive by nature AND in the closet and interested in you - thus he is afraid to come out and say what he wants, but is responsive when you take 'charge' and lead. But still a wee bit terrified of committing himself 100% to homosexuality since once he goes that way there is no going back to the closet.

[kidchameleon]

I'd personally say the best course of action might just be to ask him directly if he's gay/bi?

Maybe not in a sense that directly tells him you like him (although you may have given that impression already =P), but just as a friend who wants to know.

If he says no, you can just pass it off as a joke, say "well you act like it" and turn it into banter you can move on from, and if he says yes... maybe you can start considering moving things forward and telling him how you feel then?

But as Krupt says - and I find it's especially true when we're younger - we can sometimes interpret situations in the way we want to. I know when I was younger I had a lot of close friendships with guys that I thought must have been romantic, and that they must have been gay.

They weren't -_-

Heck, come to think of it I was just in that situation a few months ago... we got drunk, he kissed me, and then the next day we fell out because he "wasn't gay and didn't want people thinking he was".

So another piece of advice would be to stay away from alcohol - and take everything said under it's influence with a pinch of salt. I've had a lot of people give me the "get him drunk and you'll find out for sure" advice in this situation, and trust me - it doesn't always work the way you'd like =P

But good luck with this situation. I hope it pans out the way you want it to! =)

[azulai]

You have to ask yourself what are you after.

You are out. IF he is gay, you need to back off and let him move at his own pace. Give him some breathing space, don't rush him.What's his situation at home? IF his family is not supportive and were to find out before he is ready - think of the ramifications for his senior year - life is so much more than "I want a BF."

If you care for him, put him first, build a friendship. Let him get to know you. Kind of slow down and value the friendship in front of you.

So, I would stop with the expectations and trying to read something in every little thing he does. He also may be a straight ally who is trying to be a true friend to you. If so, you have to respect his sexuality.