I need to get my life together - help
06-22-2013, 09:43 PM
Right now, I just feel mentally and physically exhausted. I feel like I just need a lot of rest. It sort of feels like the dust is starting to settle on this roller coaster ride Ive been on emotionally.
A month and a half ago, my boyfriend broke up with me. We were in a long distance relationship (it didnt start out that way), and it lasted just about 4 years. We met each other and started dating in Ottawa. I was a bit of a mess before meeting him but everything started going a lot better once I met him (got a job, friends, generally happier etc...) He helped me get back to myself that I lost over my last break up.
So 8 months later, he moved to Toronto to pursue his Phd in bio-chem. He originally wanted to break it off before leaving Ottawa but I told him we should try long distance since we are both young we do not know where we may end up in the future.
So for the 1st year of the long distance relationship, it actually worked out great. We were happy and enjoying every moment we got to see each other. I was the one going to visit him because his Phd program took a lot of his time.
There was always something in the back of my mind bugging me though, telling myself that there was something off about the relationship. I always had to make the effort. I was part of his life a lot more than he was a part of my life. I knew his friends, his favorite places to go etc... While he was not involved in my life back in Ottawa. He visited me maybe twice a year when I visited him about 8 times a year.
The last year of the relationship I need to be honest I was not happy. I was not getting what I needed out of the relationship. It was always his needs above my needs to the point where he would threaten to end the relationship if I ever brought up my concerns. So I started becoming obsessive, I stopped doing things I liked etc... just to be available for him online. about 2 months before the break up, my horrible anxiety and depresssion kicked in that I managed to keep in control since when we started dating. I even ended up going to the hospital because of a panick attack I had at the gym. He wasnt really helpful and when I would voice my feelings about anything like the empty feeling I had inside, he would tell me to go get help and that I was ill. Looking back at it now I believe I was just looking to see if my ex would actually be there for me when I am down, hurt, etc... and he really was not there for me. He told me he didnt have the time to deal with anything.
I spent two nights at the hospital because they thought they found something with my heart. They did an echogram of my heart, then they put me into the critial care unit because there was a part of the heart they couldnt see and was worried it was something bad. I was told not to get up out of the bed incase I drop dead. How scary is that? He never even considered coming to visit me. I finally did the test where they put the camera down your throat and freeze your throat so that they can have a better view of the heart. They also did a catscan of my heart. I did a stress test as well and awaiting results on that. They are also going to put a monitor on my heart in three weeks to see if there are any abnormalities.
All very real problems to worry about when they are going to this extent to make sure nothing is wrong with my heart right? Well my ex brushed it off as nothing. He broke up with me and then told me his reasoning was partially because my role as a lover for him wasnt being complete because my personality changed. I was in Toronto when he broke up with me of course, and we had sex etc.. but I was nervous because I avoided doing physical activity since the incident at the gym. It was a bit awkward but we got through it and actually started to feel relieved afterwards that nothing happened. Thats when he dropped the bombshell on me about wanting to break up.
I was there for him for so long, listening to his rants, helping him out even while i was on vacation visiting, doing groceries for him etc.. because i know he works a lot. I tried so hard to be accommodating for him and whenever i wanted something from him he would whine and whine about doing these things before agreeing to it.
So I also live in Montreal now, 8 months ago I moved here because I was offered a dream job as Corporate Trainer. I also moved here because I knew that I shouldnt move to Toronto, I had a bad feeling about that. But now I cant stop obsessing over him. I loved him so much, he helped me find myself and be a better person. For all the crap i just talked about there was still a lot of good times we had. But I suppose it was on the condition that we would be a fairytale couple.
So now I have obsessed, texting him almost every day once... wondering where I want wrong ? What I did to make him fall out of love with me etc.. I cried so much and tried to make things right and he isnt even trying. At this point I just feel drained emotionally and mentally, not having enough sleep and taking care of myself. I have been eating a lot better though
I just do not know where to pick up the pieces and begin to get my life back together personal wise. I feel low and depressed, like if this what life has to offer, all these disappointments, then what is the point. I need to focus my shift in my life to something other than a boyfriend. I need to focus on myself. I just have a really hard time trying to that because I have always thought of others before myself.
How do I get over this break up once and for all.... and be a happy person living the single life ?
A month and a half ago, my boyfriend broke up with me. We were in a long distance relationship (it didnt start out that way), and it lasted just about 4 years. We met each other and started dating in Ottawa. I was a bit of a mess before meeting him but everything started going a lot better once I met him (got a job, friends, generally happier etc...) He helped me get back to myself that I lost over my last break up.
So 8 months later, he moved to Toronto to pursue his Phd in bio-chem. He originally wanted to break it off before leaving Ottawa but I told him we should try long distance since we are both young we do not know where we may end up in the future.
So for the 1st year of the long distance relationship, it actually worked out great. We were happy and enjoying every moment we got to see each other. I was the one going to visit him because his Phd program took a lot of his time.
There was always something in the back of my mind bugging me though, telling myself that there was something off about the relationship. I always had to make the effort. I was part of his life a lot more than he was a part of my life. I knew his friends, his favorite places to go etc... While he was not involved in my life back in Ottawa. He visited me maybe twice a year when I visited him about 8 times a year.
The last year of the relationship I need to be honest I was not happy. I was not getting what I needed out of the relationship. It was always his needs above my needs to the point where he would threaten to end the relationship if I ever brought up my concerns. So I started becoming obsessive, I stopped doing things I liked etc... just to be available for him online. about 2 months before the break up, my horrible anxiety and depresssion kicked in that I managed to keep in control since when we started dating. I even ended up going to the hospital because of a panick attack I had at the gym. He wasnt really helpful and when I would voice my feelings about anything like the empty feeling I had inside, he would tell me to go get help and that I was ill. Looking back at it now I believe I was just looking to see if my ex would actually be there for me when I am down, hurt, etc... and he really was not there for me. He told me he didnt have the time to deal with anything.
I spent two nights at the hospital because they thought they found something with my heart. They did an echogram of my heart, then they put me into the critial care unit because there was a part of the heart they couldnt see and was worried it was something bad. I was told not to get up out of the bed incase I drop dead. How scary is that? He never even considered coming to visit me. I finally did the test where they put the camera down your throat and freeze your throat so that they can have a better view of the heart. They also did a catscan of my heart. I did a stress test as well and awaiting results on that. They are also going to put a monitor on my heart in three weeks to see if there are any abnormalities.
All very real problems to worry about when they are going to this extent to make sure nothing is wrong with my heart right? Well my ex brushed it off as nothing. He broke up with me and then told me his reasoning was partially because my role as a lover for him wasnt being complete because my personality changed. I was in Toronto when he broke up with me of course, and we had sex etc.. but I was nervous because I avoided doing physical activity since the incident at the gym. It was a bit awkward but we got through it and actually started to feel relieved afterwards that nothing happened. Thats when he dropped the bombshell on me about wanting to break up.
I was there for him for so long, listening to his rants, helping him out even while i was on vacation visiting, doing groceries for him etc.. because i know he works a lot. I tried so hard to be accommodating for him and whenever i wanted something from him he would whine and whine about doing these things before agreeing to it.
So I also live in Montreal now, 8 months ago I moved here because I was offered a dream job as Corporate Trainer. I also moved here because I knew that I shouldnt move to Toronto, I had a bad feeling about that. But now I cant stop obsessing over him. I loved him so much, he helped me find myself and be a better person. For all the crap i just talked about there was still a lot of good times we had. But I suppose it was on the condition that we would be a fairytale couple.
So now I have obsessed, texting him almost every day once... wondering where I want wrong ? What I did to make him fall out of love with me etc.. I cried so much and tried to make things right and he isnt even trying. At this point I just feel drained emotionally and mentally, not having enough sleep and taking care of myself. I have been eating a lot better though
I just do not know where to pick up the pieces and begin to get my life back together personal wise. I feel low and depressed, like if this what life has to offer, all these disappointments, then what is the point. I need to focus my shift in my life to something other than a boyfriend. I need to focus on myself. I just have a really hard time trying to that because I have always thought of others before myself.
How do I get over this break up once and for all.... and be a happy person living the single life ?
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Scorpio
Just awaiting the one last test then i will see the cardiologist one more time after that and hopefully all is clear!
