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I need to get my life together - help
#1
Right now, I just feel mentally and physically exhausted. I feel like I just need a lot of rest. It sort of feels like the dust is starting to settle on this roller coaster ride Ive been on emotionally.

A month and a half ago, my boyfriend broke up with me. We were in a long distance relationship (it didnt start out that way), and it lasted just about 4 years. We met each other and started dating in Ottawa. I was a bit of a mess before meeting him but everything started going a lot better once I met him (got a job, friends, generally happier etc...) He helped me get back to myself that I lost over my last break up.

So 8 months later, he moved to Toronto to pursue his Phd in bio-chem. He originally wanted to break it off before leaving Ottawa but I told him we should try long distance since we are both young we do not know where we may end up in the future.

So for the 1st year of the long distance relationship, it actually worked out great. We were happy and enjoying every moment we got to see each other. I was the one going to visit him because his Phd program took a lot of his time.

There was always something in the back of my mind bugging me though, telling myself that there was something off about the relationship. I always had to make the effort. I was part of his life a lot more than he was a part of my life. I knew his friends, his favorite places to go etc... While he was not involved in my life back in Ottawa. He visited me maybe twice a year when I visited him about 8 times a year.

The last year of the relationship I need to be honest I was not happy. I was not getting what I needed out of the relationship. It was always his needs above my needs to the point where he would threaten to end the relationship if I ever brought up my concerns. So I started becoming obsessive, I stopped doing things I liked etc... just to be available for him online. about 2 months before the break up, my horrible anxiety and depresssion kicked in that I managed to keep in control since when we started dating. I even ended up going to the hospital because of a panick attack I had at the gym. He wasnt really helpful and when I would voice my feelings about anything like the empty feeling I had inside, he would tell me to go get help and that I was ill. Looking back at it now I believe I was just looking to see if my ex would actually be there for me when I am down, hurt, etc... and he really was not there for me. He told me he didnt have the time to deal with anything.

I spent two nights at the hospital because they thought they found something with my heart. They did an echogram of my heart, then they put me into the critial care unit because there was a part of the heart they couldnt see and was worried it was something bad. I was told not to get up out of the bed incase I drop dead. How scary is that? He never even considered coming to visit me. I finally did the test where they put the camera down your throat and freeze your throat so that they can have a better view of the heart. They also did a catscan of my heart. I did a stress test as well and awaiting results on that. They are also going to put a monitor on my heart in three weeks to see if there are any abnormalities.

All very real problems to worry about when they are going to this extent to make sure nothing is wrong with my heart right? Well my ex brushed it off as nothing. He broke up with me and then told me his reasoning was partially because my role as a lover for him wasnt being complete because my personality changed. I was in Toronto when he broke up with me of course, and we had sex etc.. but I was nervous because I avoided doing physical activity since the incident at the gym. It was a bit awkward but we got through it and actually started to feel relieved afterwards that nothing happened. Thats when he dropped the bombshell on me about wanting to break up.

I was there for him for so long, listening to his rants, helping him out even while i was on vacation visiting, doing groceries for him etc.. because i know he works a lot. I tried so hard to be accommodating for him and whenever i wanted something from him he would whine and whine about doing these things before agreeing to it.

So I also live in Montreal now, 8 months ago I moved here because I was offered a dream job as Corporate Trainer. I also moved here because I knew that I shouldnt move to Toronto, I had a bad feeling about that. But now I cant stop obsessing over him. I loved him so much, he helped me find myself and be a better person. For all the crap i just talked about there was still a lot of good times we had. But I suppose it was on the condition that we would be a fairytale couple.

So now I have obsessed, texting him almost every day once... wondering where I want wrong ? What I did to make him fall out of love with me etc.. I cried so much and tried to make things right and he isnt even trying. At this point I just feel drained emotionally and mentally, not having enough sleep and taking care of myself. I have been eating a lot better though Smile

I just do not know where to pick up the pieces and begin to get my life back together personal wise. I feel low and depressed, like if this what life has to offer, all these disappointments, then what is the point. I need to focus my shift in my life to something other than a boyfriend. I need to focus on myself. I just have a really hard time trying to that because I have always thought of others before myself.

How do I get over this break up once and for all.... and be a happy person living the single life ?
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#2
You will never get over this break up but time is a great healer. Try not to text him if he's not texting back it shows that he doesn't want to be with you.
I know it hurts but you should spend time with friends, go out and enjoy your self. Try to put all the pain to the back of your mind. Have a good cry it will help to get it all out.
An eye for an eye
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#3
Dont text. Delete his number out of your phone, and erase it from any other devices you have and any phone number journals you may have. This will lessen the "want" to text him.

Keep busy with other things. Keeping your mind busy will keep him out of it.

I am one that has dealt with panic attacks and depression before. And you have these things because of something generating them in your life. Apparently it was this guy. Do you really need someone in your life generating such harsh doubts, that is causes you this much despair, depression, anxiety, and stress? I dont think so.

Erase his existence from your life the best you can, his memory will fade over time.

You will get better and find someone better for you. Hopefully a Doctor!! :eyebrow-wiggle-smil

He showed his "true colors" when he didnt even care about you going into the hospital. Definitely dont need anyone who doesnt give a damn about you!!!


So, how did the heart tests go? Did they find anything?
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#4
MisterTinkles Wrote:Dont text. Delete his number out of your phone, and erase it from any other devices you have and any phone number journals you may have. This will lessen the "want" to text him.

Keep busy with other things. Keeping your mind busy will keep him out of it.

I am one that has dealt with panic attacks and depression before. And you have these things because of something generating them in your life. Apparently it was this guy. Do you really need someone in your life generating such harsh doubts, that is causes you this much despair, depression, anxiety, and stress? I dont think so.

Erase his existence from your life the best you can, his memory will fade over time.

You will get better and find someone better for you. Hopefully a Doctor!! :eyebrow-wiggle-smil

He showed his "true colors" when he didnt even care about you going into the hospital. Definitely dont need anyone who doesnt give a damn about you!!!


So, how did the heart tests go? Did they find anything?

The trouble is I know his number by heart. I know I just need to stop texting him but it is pretty hard. I made sure to turn off the news feed on facebook (kept him as a friend) and also turned off all the news feed of his friends from showing up. I just need to focus on myself right now and trust that things will work out for the better.

I got the test results back from the CT and the camera down my throat lol... and they both showed a good heart with a part of it they still couldnt see properly but figured that since most of the heart is functionning find it isnt a problem. They did say that one of my heart valves 'flops' more than the other but there didnt seem to be any leakage... meaning blood that was being transferred from one chamber to another wasnt falling back into the original chamber (which is what happens when heart valves flop weird)...

so I suppose I am lucky Wink Just awaiting the one last test then i will see the cardiologist one more time after that and hopefully all is clear!
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#5
It hurts, it has to. One of the shittiest things about the human terminal experience. Hurt as Long as you need to.

I found hobbies distracted me during my darkest times. it's a good way to show yourself life goes on. Plus the extra depth to your personality will make you a more intricate person.
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#6
I am very sorry this happened to you.
Breakup are never easy but life goes on, and in order for you to move forward you must stop clutching at straws of false hope.

Do not text him , do not depend on him for your happiness.
It's time to stop being his doormat ,sounding board and booty call.

You deserve so much more and you can be so much more ,picking up the pieces of a shattered painful past, is an exercise in futility ,learn from it and move past it.

You need to motivate yourself, but more importantly you need to treat yourself they way you hoped he would treat you ,when you needed him the most.

We are all here for you.
Bighug
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#7
Krupt Wrote:H e might of 'encouraged' you rather than helped you...or even 'inspired' you...but the change you made to get back to your old self was all done by YOU, don't put that sort of value on any other human but yourself...you are worth it and you did a fantastic job recovering the first time, therefore this time around you know how to help yourself just that little bit better Wink

I'm just going to come right out and say it...your ex sounds like a cunt.

Delete you ex's phone number immediately and break off contact with him all together...having easy access to him is not going to help you get over him.

Breakups are never fun, never easy, or else we would all be doing it every weekend. It is bloody tough when a relationship comes to an end, especially when you feel you have put so much of yourself, invested so much time and effort and then all of a sudden you have nothing to show for it so you are going to feel ripped off, cheated and pissed off...then you will grieve the loss and finally you will pick yourself back up, dust yourself off and be back to your old self again.

The break up will always hurt, but as it has already been said in this discussion, time heals those wounds.

Take your time and don't put too much pressure on yourself. If you feel you need help, don't be afraid to seek help from what ever avenue you feel comfortable with Wink

all the best

Thanks for the advice, it is hard to get over such a relationship that you put so much time in yourself. You are right though, I need to let time do its thing and I will heal. I am just impatient sometimes. I need to start investing in myself and taking care of myself rather than worrying about anyone else right now.... and know that when the time comes I will find that someone who will be right for me.
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#8
Rainbowmum Wrote:I am very sorry this happened to you.
Breakup are never easy but life goes on, and in order for you to move forward you must stop clutching at straws of false hope.

Do not text him , do not depend on him for your happiness.
It's time to stop being his doormat ,sounding board and booty call.

You deserve so much more and you can be so much more ,picking up the pieces of a shattered painful past, is an exercise in futility ,learn from it and move past it.

You need to motivate yourself, but more importantly you need to treat yourself they way you hoped he would treat you ,when you needed him the most.

We are all here for you.
Bighug

You are right I need to create my own happiness, I should not have to depend on other people to be happy. This is something I really need to drill in my head. I also do need to motivate myself, it s just been hard figuring out what I actually like doing versus what I liked doing because I was in the relationship.
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#9
darkenedshadow Wrote:The trouble is I know his number by heart. I know I just need to stop texting him but it is pretty hard. I made sure to turn off the news feed on facebook (kept him as a friend) and also turned off all the news feed of his friends from showing up. I just need to focus on myself right now and trust that things will work out for the better.

I got the test results back from the CT and the camera down my throat lol... and they both showed a good heart with a part of it they still couldnt see properly but figured that since most of the heart is functionning find it isnt a problem. They did say that one of my heart valves 'flops' more than the other but there didnt seem to be any leakage... meaning blood that was being transferred from one chamber to another wasnt falling back into the original chamber (which is what happens when heart valves flop weird)...

so I suppose I am lucky Wink Just awaiting the one last test then i will see the cardiologist one more time after that and hopefully all is clear!


VERY happy nothing severe was discovered!!! YEAH!!!

Whenever you get the "urge" to contact him, dont.....vacuum the floor, wash dishes, do laundry, go for a walk, do homework, just do SOMETHING to keep you occupied until you forget about it.

The longer you go without contacting him, the more he will be extinguished from your mind and life.

And if HE contacts YOU.......DONT respond!!! Just delete it and go on.
That will be your true test of commitment to yourself. Be brave. You DONT need the aggravation.

Bighug
Reply

#10
Everything that happens in your life will carry a lesson in it.

The choice is not if you learn something, the choice is what you choose to take away from it.

As others have said, just stop calling/texting him. However I think you need to really sit down and think about what it is in you that is compelling you to keep beating your head against this particular wall.

You refused to let him go when he first say 'we should part ways now'. you refused to let him go when he treated you less than through all of this time, now - even when you know he isn't good 'husband material' you still refuse to let him go.

That is all on you. I have no idea why you refuse to let go... You do need to figure it out and I assure you once you figure out the why you refuse to let him go, letting him go will become much easier.

The answer(s) you come up with will reveal a great deal about yourself to yourself... They may actually make a lot of things in your life easier to deal with.

As such, this 'bad thing' may indeed be one of the better things to happen to you.

You will be OK. You will get over this heart ache, this pain, this terrible ____________(fill in the blank with whatever it is you are feeling).

It just takes a bit of time.

Bighug
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