I know I messed up, need advice anyway

[Lordswitch]

I'm not sure B.A. is right because though I understand all this intellectually, emotions are all over the place. Its monday, we broke up on monday. In the first weeks I had dreams of us reconciling. Now I have stressful nightmares. I wake up and feel miserable.
Self-accusation (he said it was ok with sex but was not happy with a fuckbuddy,) etc. It feels like he broke up for a legitimate reason. He still sticks to being innocent and it being my fault. Though on one level I know I need to move on. But the lack of communication and the cold shoulder treatment I get (since we have to communicate minimally to sort out practical stuff) is really hurting.

The mornings are worst, when I wake up and am brooding and thinking. Usually get out of bed when I can't take it anymore. Usually need something to distract me. by afternoon I am usually better.

This is hard. I knew it was going to be. I'm not like him, where I can just shut away my feelings behind anger and just excise someone from my life. I know what the long-term issue is and things I need to do. I know that its good to keep myself busy. But the short term issue, I have no idea about. How do I deal with it?

My parents divorced after a 30 year marriage and longer relationship, and my mother is still devastated, years down the line...

What the heck do I do? is it just time? Do I have to get angry at him? Or will it feel like this for as long as I love him? I don't think I will ever fully stop loving him, even when I have moved on. For me, when I have been close to someone, its still there and never goes away. Ok I'll stop whining for now

[gilhooly]

Forgiveness is a terrific emotion. Long after the flame of true love has burned out, I still remember how many times Tom and I forgave each other. I truly loved forgiving Tom. Tom truly loved forgiving me. I loved Tom from 6/21/68 until his death on 12/8/97.

Needless to say the obnoxious bastard started to come back to see me as a ghost. I stare at him and ask, "Did God teach you how to share a bathroom with a human being?"
He says, "Sure, John, I smile and wait for you to clean it."
I grimace "Get the fuck out of my house, you fiend."
Tom giggles "Do you really want me to leave, John?"
"Nah, you can stay. I'm glad you came today. I'm bored since I retired. What's new in heaven?"
"Well, your brother in law died and was dragged off to hell. John, why are you smiling at that statement."
"Tom, I never exactly liked George. In over 40 years I never saw him sober. He bullied people at the phone company and came home and bullied his 4 children. He never cleaned anything including himself and his house on Long Island belonged in the swamps of Panama. He was not a nice guy, Tom. How did Michael Jackson make out?"
"Michael's in heaven, he came by to see you. Your mom grabbed Michael and got Michael to introduce her to Elvis. Your mom is a pisser. I have laughed constantly every time I think of the strange things she says."
"Yeah, Tom, my parents were both funny and generous with everyone. My sister Catherine and her husband George hate all 8 billion people on the planet. They occasionally say nice things about Hitler. I'm glad George is with Hitler. They will make a nice team in hell. I take that back. Hitler didn't hate his parents the way Catherine and George do. Maybe Hitler can find a nicer room mate."

"John, why do your relatives exist either as canonized saints or vicious terrorists."
"Hard to say Tom, it is why the whole family are staunch believers in forgiveness. No one is gray in my family. We are welcomed to heaven with open arms or we are driven to hell by a howling mob. How many people attacked George?"
"At least a hundred thousand angry souls showed up. George was not well liked."

This is a serious comment to people who love others. Always try to forgive. Even when forgiveness is pointless, it leaves a nice taste in your mouth. Tom was straight. I was gay. I knew there would be problems the moment we met. For reasons known only to God, my friendship with Tom produced laughter until I could barely breathe. Sex was great and then nonexistent. Sex was great and then nonexistent. Sex was great, Tom died. I have loved him to the point of madness and will continue to do so in heaven. I like being a pagan who isn't tied to organized religion. I believe in God, the universe, my galaxy. my solar system, my planet, my ancestors and best of all comes ME and MY FRIENDS.

Lordswitch, I read your posts, you don't sound logical. You are very much in love with this guy. When in doubt, fuck logic and embrace love. Love laughs. Love lasts.