Pretty confused. Advice/Wisdom welcomed

[ts523]

Alright, here it goes. It's a long one, so grab some popcorn or something.
So when I first started college, I felt pretty awesome, like anyone would. I was pretty much free from my parents and the house rules and felt inclined to do more of the things I wanted to. So, naturally, when a guy that I've had a crush on starts talking and flirting with me, we quickly set up our first date. I've noticed him since the first day of classes but was too shy to say anything until he did 4 months later.
We hit it off wonderfully. We connected, we loved everything the other did. It was like a match made in heaven. Nothing could go wrong or separate us. At this time, he was living in the dorms and I would visit regularly. By the time spring break rolled around, I was there almost every night. Everything was literally perfect right up until it was time for a phone upgrade for him.
He had been using an old little flip phone as an emergency replacement for his smartphone that got broke shortly after we started dating. So he got the best new smartphone on the market. After a month or so of this upgrade, he started acted really weird around me. The kind of weird people get when they're holding back a secret.
One night, I was staying over and he fell asleep after we watched a movie, his phone went off and I went to go get it and bring it back it him. Then I saw it wasn't a text or a phone call, but a notification. A notification from something called grindr. I was pretty much the noob of the gay dating world and I had no idea what it was, so curious me opened it. Imagine my surprise when I found out what it was exactly. I had to look harder through his phone because I just couldn't let it slip by. I found other similar apps.
I was devastated to say the least. 10 months of happy living and dating seemed to slip right by me now. I was so mad. I blew up. I left.
After I had calmed down, we had a chance to talk about the whole thing. He said that's what he used before he met me. And when he got his new phone, he couldn't help but to download it again and check it out. He called it an addiction. I wanted to believe him. I really did. We broke up nonetheless that night, with him saying that he wasn't really ready for a relationship like ours.
Pretty much a week later we we're back together, with him saying he'll try to stop. I was happy, he was happy. Everything was back to the way it was. At least for another 2 months.
Afterward, it started happening again. Same scenario. This time we took a break so we could, you know, relax from seeing each other constantly.
This was over winter break after a year of dating him.
I went on a date with someone else, because we could I guess. I was in a pretty bad place then, thinking very poor thoughts of myself after the incident. I think I was just weak.
I fell for this new guy's charm and the genuine care that he seemed to have for me. I was pretty sure then I would never get back with this first guy. So I started to date the new guy.
But then my ex of sorts came back after winter break (cause he lives out of town). When he came back, he was completely changed. He stopped the things I wanted him to stop cold turkey. And had no desire to go back to them. He wanted to be with me and only me.
Problem was, I was already with someone. This is when I start looking like the bad guy.
This is when I started going out with my ex. And never broke it off with the new guy.
Looking back, I was an awful person, I know. I hate myself for being so stupid at the time.
Eventually, the guy who I had been dating for so long, let's call him Jake, found out. And everything blew up. We were done for sure, he was angry. Furious. He told everything to the other guy, let's call him Alex.
But Alex came to me and asked what I wanted. He asked if I wanted him or Jake. I think it was in the heat of the moment, but also because I thought I still had a shot with him, I said "I want you, Alex."
So I've been dating Alex for a while now, six months. And I never really had thought about Jake until recently. Maybe about 4 or 5 weeks ago, my mind started to think about him more and more. And now it's gotten to the point where I think I made a horrible, hasty decision.
I know it's terrible of me, but I can't shake this feeling. It's all hitting me at once and I don't know who else to ask, because I've already asked everyone and they all say, "That's crazy. I don't really know."
So with no where else to turn: do you think I may have thrown away something that could have been? Could I have made a hasty decision and therefore made a bad choice?
If so, what could I do? What would you do if you were Jake and I apologized for everything, said it would never happen again (cause I would never cheat again, I swear. No matter who it is), and pledged to, somehow, make it up?
Please respond truthfully. Don't hold back. Even criticisms about me directly are okay given the situation I put myself in.

[Nick9]

You know, everytime we make a decision, we lose something. We close the door for some possibilities and we are left with what ifs.
Perhaps you needed some time alone between the two relationships. To find yourself again, to get to know what you are looking for in your life.
What is so great about Jake? And about Alex? Do you want to break up with Alex? Why do you think Jake hasn't moved on?
Don't seek a relationship just because you don't want to be alone. *hug*

[Undreamt]

The fact that you can't decided between either of them says to me that your not that attached to either of them. You'll eventually move on to someone else new.

But in the mean time...

You are allowed to make mistakes to regret, you are allowed to be happy, upset, angry, confused, annoyed and frustrated.

You are allowed to be selfish.


What you are NOT allowed to do is deny or hide or pretend something isn't when it is.

Do what you want, see who you want, sleep with who you want, hell try and get them both together if you think you can.

Just don't string one along while you pine for the other.
Don't hold their happiness to ransom just so that you can have a backup plan in case you get sick of the one your with.

[pellaz]

welcome to gayspeak
you got to watch a web tv; The Eastiders
http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2013/06/04...85883.html

-The alex or Jake decisions we all make in our lives. Maybe you should have waited after Alex left to let the critical thinking in you grow back. You could do less damage if you take the time to be honest and considerate.
-I can read this wrong but i see little difference between alex and or jake. granted alex was cheating on you but nothing you didnt do to jake. To make your Alex relationship strong you must forgive him.
-Given a few weeks even months is natural to look back on thing and find they seem a lot different when you forgot 30% of the facts and emotions that lead you along a particular path.
-you are allowed many mistakes but Gay communities are small clannish and the word gets around.

[Bowyn Aerrow]

Apparently the first guy didn't hurt you enough to teach you how to build up walls, how to cut a person - or cut a person off once they have wronged you.

If it was me, I would have turned my back on that cat and kept walked, and when he showed up hat in hand groveling with an apology I would have smiled showing my great pleasure at denying him access to this heart again.

Why? Because fools have made the mistake of breaking this heart and in order to keep from being hurt repeatedly I have made solid, strong, unbreakable rules that draw clearly defined limits of what I will and will not accept in the behaviors of potential mates.

Apparently you are full of stupid hope too. You live in this mythological world that you can time travel (go back and recapture the golden era of a relationship) and you have this silly notion that people can change over night. Clearly you were not beaten enough by your parents (or someone) to understand that hope is pretty stupid, and that time travel is impossible.

Believe it or not, these things are being taught to you in this situation.

You need to come up with a set of rules for your relationships. It doesn't have to be a long list, it can be only 3 things which are definite no go's when it comes to a relationship.

1. No Cheating.
2. No hitting.
3. No Lying (constantly, over everything - we all lie in little ways so some lying is to be expected - e.g. saying 'I'm fine' when you actually feel like shit.. its an acceptable lie).

That is a good set of rules to have when it comes to relationships - these are your 'break the relationship forever' rules - if one or more get broken in the relationship, then you pack up your bags and you leave.

The Vulcan Science Directorate has determined that time travel is impossible.

You are attempting to be a time traveler, you are attempting to go back to before the new smart phone, before you discovered he grind'r ap, before all the shit came down and washed that little perfect happy time of that relationship away.

Stop it. You can't go back, everything done is done - and can't be undone. You will always and forever doubt every action the ex does from here on out. And it will affect every aspect of your relationship from this point on. clearly you are the jealous type who has a clear desire for 100% monogamy and nothing less is suitable or acceptable to you.

THAT is perfectly fine - but if you are going to 'break up' with someone over a cheating - then you need to stick to your guns, even if I arrived at your front door with hot pokers, and razor blades to torture you to make you go back, you need to have the gonads to take the torture and scream defiantly 'I will not go back to that cheating MF Ever - No Matter what you do to me you damned dirty Elf!'

Lastly, you are delusional. There is no such thing as a perfect relationship nor a perfect mate. You think that what you had before was perfect - based on what prior experience do you draw that conclusion?

4 months into any relationship and you are still in the honeymoon stage - all of those lovely cute foibles and character defects that you find oh so perfectly cute will always end up being annoying habits by year 5 of the relationship. Often sooner.

So you have this delusion of what you think you had and really didn't have this 'perfect' relationship. A clue to its not being 'perfect' is the grind'r app... Those habits and character defects of his were still present, they were just well hidden behind the mask that he wore. (Everyone wears a mask, it makes society possible)


The ex is your ex - its a real pity he didn't beat the crap out of you simply to drive home the point that he is your ex and that he is a 'not so nice' person that you can't have that dream relationship you are searching for. Instead the hurt he gave you wasn't something solid, or left a visible scar to remind you why it is he is your ex.

As for the new guy. Shame on you.

My Advice, ether stick with the new guy or go single for a year. Do not try to rekindle whatever it is you think you had with Number one.

No wait - my advice is to go back to number one and stick with it until he leaves thick scar tissue on your heart and teaches you how to turn off your heart and how to draw a clear line in the sand to where you won't get all wishy-washy over an ex and keep doors open that you should slam shut, board up, nail closed and hide behind a brick wall....

good luck