A rant about depression

[Anonymous]

Before you start reading this, please understand that I am not looking for any pity or guidance. I'm just writing down my thoughts to get them out, since containing them in my head only makes things worse. Please also bear with me, since I'm going to ramble all over the place without much organization to my thoughts.

Lately the thoughts of killing myself have been hammering away at my mind yet again. I was able to control and subdue them for a while, but they are back with a vengeance this time. I was diagnosed with major depression and dysthymia a few years ago, but I've lived with both far before I ever went to seek help. While I was in the military I had a very good therapist that helped me through the roughest of times, and since then I've been able to manage on my own. Every once in a while even my best efforts aren't able to control the thoughts and all I can think about all day is pulling the gun out of my drawer and ending it. There is no cause or reason to these episodes, so there's nothing to change in my life to eliminate the panic attacks that send me into a downward spiral. I just have to go along for the ride and hope that I don't open that drawer before I recover.

While life around me isn't to blame for this, some things certainly don't help my feelings of failure and inadequacy. This is now my third attempt at college after failing out of two previously, and all I've noticed lately are my slipping grades while others around me succeed with flying colors. I know that I have finally found my calling in life, but I still can't keep up with the rest of the world. I feel that I am an intelligent person, but my lack of focus and determination are placing me in the dangerous path to yet another failure in my life. I am starting to believe that I may never succeed and I am doomed to live out a meaningless life. Since I refuse to accept that, I fear that just one more failure will end with me pulling the trigger at last instead of just fantasizing about it.

What is infuriating is that there is nothing and no one to blame in this except for myself. Unlike some people who can rage against society and blame their woes on other factors of humanity, I cannot. That is the truth of the matter; all of these problems come from me alone. Unfortunately, accepting this truth causes me to hate myself even more than I did before. I can't even dig myself out of my hole by realizing this; all it does is make the hole deeper. I can distract myself from the truth for a time by keeping myself busy, but it never goes away. Once the distractions are gone and I start thinking again, the panic attacks begin to return. Sometimes I can go weeks or even months without really thinking, but I always return to it eventually.

Sorry for ranting, but I really needed to get that out somewhere. I don't normally talk about this to anyone, since it can seem like I'm doing nothing more than bitching about my own stupid problems. I always worry about how others perceive me, so I normally just keep my problems to myself. Some people may try to listen to my complaints for a while, but by my experiences everyone gets tired of it eventually. I can keep quiet about this for a while, and I even have for the last 9 months. Now It's just exploding from me because I can't hold it in any longer. Since I don't have anyone in my life I can spill this on, you get to be my audience this time.

[ardus]

I will respect your intent and not offer any advice, but if you want someone to talk to I am always willing to listen.
Richard

[Bowyn Aerrow]

If you want to talk/guidance/advice whatever you can PM me.

[Miles]

What is infuriating is that there is nothing and no one to blame in this except for myself. Unlike some people who can rage against society and blame their woes on other factors of humanity, I cannot. That is the truth of the matter; all of these problems come from me alone. Unfortunately, accepting this truth causes me to hate myself even more than I did before. I can't even dig myself out of my hole by realizing this; all it does is make the hole deeper. I can distract myself from the truth for a time by keeping myself busy, but it never goes away. Once the distractions are gone and I start thinking again, the panic attacks begin to return. Sometimes I can go weeks or even months without really thinking, but I always return to it eventually.

Sorry for ranting, but I really needed to get that out somewhere. I don't normally talk about this to anyone, since it can seem like I'm doing nothing more than bitching about my own stupid problems. I always worry about how others perceive me, so I normally just keep my problems to myself.

I feel like I could have written this. I came dangerously close to losing my scholarship and dropping out this past semester, not because school was difficult, but because I just didn't have the drive to do half the work. (The fountains of alcohol didn't help either). Dumb luck saved me, as usual. I don't have thoughts of suicide (well when I'm particularly stressed, I ponder it from a hypothetical standpoint, a 'what if' kind of deal, but never seriously consider it). Also I don't get panic attacks, just a low-hanging pervasive feeling of existential dread.

If you need someone to sound off at, feel free to use Murlz.

[MisterTinkles]

The one thing you have to remember about depression/stress/anxiety is that there is a "root cause".
You have to find what it (or they) is and deal with it. Get rid of it. Cut it out of your life.

All the pills, meds, treatments, and Dr.s in the world wont help unless they can help you find the root cause(s) of what is making you this way.

Once you get rid of the causes, then the pills, meds, treatments, and Dr.s have a chance of helping you recover.

I know, Ive been there, done that.

[Anonymous]

Yes, I know there is a root cause. In my case, I was born with it. It's a disease; a chemical imbalance which my own body causes internally that can only be moderated and treated. Nothing happened in my life that made me this way. I already was this way from the start as a part of my genetics. Depression is different for everyone, and that is just the way it is for me. It may go away for some people in time, but there's no way to cure it just by making my life better. In some of the brightest moments of my life it was still there eating away at me. Getting out and exercising, eating right, and medication can help, but they are only pushing the disease back into a corner rather than treating it.

[James]

Learn to love yourself and life, when you get up in the morning rather than seeing the negitive wish yourself a good day, smile, say goodmorning to the flowers and people you meet, listen to the positive messages in your life and throw out the negitive. As far as school, there are some accredited on-line schools that let you learn at your own pace, slower learning can be benificial to many as more is retained. As far as the firearm, unload it and put it in a safe as I had to do. Buy a pump action shotgun without the shells, if someone breaks in when you pull the slide in most cases they leave, Jim

[MisterTinkles]

Yes, I know there is a root cause. In my case, I was born with it. It's a disease; a chemical imbalance which my own body causes internally that can only be moderated and treated. Nothing happened in my life that made me this way. I already was this way from the start as a part of my genetics. Depression is different for everyone, and that is just the way it is for me. It may go away for some people in time, but there's no way to cure it just by making my life better. In some of the brightest moments of my life it was still there eating away at me. Getting out and exercising, eating right, and medication can help, but they are only pushing the disease back into a corner rather than treating it.

Hmmmm....ok, so you have the genetic kind. Damn.

Yeah, thats hard to beat, but it can be done.

With my case it was work and the people I was around. I mean I was so bad, my hair started falling out in patches.

I had to see three or four doctors before I found one who actually KNEW anything about what was going on with me. He diagnosed me with depression, anxiety, high stress and a couple of other fun things. Put me on some pills that helped for a while. Then I figured out I had to banish my demons from my life in order to get better.

I would say you just have to keep on going through Dr.s until you find the one who knows whats what with you and knows how to help you deal with it. Too many people just take one Dr.s word for it, when that Dr. may not know anything ....even if he/she is labeled a "specialist".

The search for the right Dr. is like the search for the right man.....time consuming.

[Geminize]

Since I don't have anyone in my life I can spill this on, you get to be my audience this time.

This can be both a cause and a result of depression. We all need friends, even some kind of support group can help. You didn't ask for guidance so of course, feel free to ignore me.

One other thing since you mentioned the gun twice. It may be a good idea to put one more step between you and that choice. A gunsafe in the drawer could be a good thing. That's all on that.

Depression sucks. Keep talking here or with whoever you can.

[Anonymous]

It definitely doesn't help when I have no one to talk to about it. It was even worse when I did have someone who was not in the least supportive or when I used to drink to forget. I am at least better now and don't require hospitalization. The thoughts are mostly just invasive thoughts that inspire panic attacks, which I can later control once I remove myself from everything. It certainly doesn't help when I'm in the middle of a public setting that I can't escape from, but at least I'm not actually giving into the thoughts and actually handling a gun. People used to think I was just being a baby when I had these random crying fits in public, but I at least know what is going on now.

As for doctors, I've had my fair share of them. I may try them again, but they aren't exactly free for my anymore. I never did find the right medication, either. One put me in the hospital when it made my condition 10 times worse rather than better. All the others just didn't make things worse at best, so there was no reason to keep on taking them. I probably would find some real help in the right doctor or right medication, but it's just not worth it to me right now. I don't want the wrong treatment again. That was the worst moment of my life. I am at least confident that if I am truly suicidal I will seek help with a professional like the last time it got that bad.