Is he happy with his fantasies or does he want to actualise them in reality?

[yyrrvvxx]

I am feeling very insecure right now in my relationship, and need some outside opinions. My partner and I both study together and share the same friendship circle, and I'm afraid of colouring other peoples judgments of my partner with some information on his behaviour which (initially) seems pretty dubious, so I come to the internet for an anonymous response so to not degrade him in front of people he cares about and who care about him.

Basically, after two years in a monogamous relationship, I have never felt so unwanted and unattractive. Our sex life has degraded recently, despite my best efforts at rekindling a once explosive sex life. About a month ago I found detailed, graphic messages between my partner and other men on his facebook, with a lot of phrases like 'if I was single' and 'I really wish I could'. We are pretty open about our kinks and fetishes with one another, so I was shocked when it seemed like he desired more than he was ever willing to share--like pissing and bukake and general daddy/son domination. After a discussion about these messages I had made it clear that I am totally open to anything like what he wanted, and said after already being not his type (he has a porn blog with hairy, big, arab, thick cocked daddies and I'm 7 years younger than him, skinny, pale, hairy, sensitive kind of guy) I was pretty upset and felt even less desirable. He reassures me that he loves me, but I continually find evidence online that, while he may love me, his sexual interests and desires lie elsewhere. After talking pretty openly about this stuff, he admits he may have a kind of porn addiction, but where the fantasy does not reflect what he actually wants in reality.

I keep finding more and more 'desires' in his browser history, and hate feeling so insecure that I have to keep hunting for reasons to doubt his faithfulness. But when I keep finding m4m craigslist local hookups pages, dudesnude and xtube links to what appear to be his user profiles (after he claimed to have deleted these accounts), facebook messages with his past hook ups coming up but totally blank (ie. he deletes them) when I check them, and very long, obviously horny messages sent to many guys in graphic and tactile detail... well, I feel pretty shit about myself, especially when I feel like I'm making a solid effort to swing to the beat of his drum, and openly suggest the same seuxal encounters, and then get rejected.

All the while though, he is not a cunt about it. He is incredibly anxious that I will leave him for what he has done, and reassures me that he is aware and apologetic about it all. Everytime his browser history comes up in discussion though, I feel like there is a way he describes it in a way to not upset me. Frankly I keep being torn between blinding rage ready to dump his ass on the street where he can fuck and piss with whatever pigs he desires gangbang with, and an overbearing sadness and feeling of inadequacy knowing that I can give him emotional love and security, but never able to satisfy his increasingly left of field sexual appetites. And I find it more frustrating when I am open to these things, but am still rejected.

Does he want to be left alone to masturbate with his desires? (which he does now a lot), or does he seek these men in real life as he feels unsatisfied (even though im ready to 'go there' anytime anyplace essentially? His sexual history is significantly larger than mine. (his number about 130, mine about 4) and his older age makes me feel like he's after some more of the good old stuff which he used to get a lot of.. And I cant really blame him for that. What should I do? Who is in the right? Who is in the wrong? Does it make sense for me to be feeling this bad about myself?

Thanks for taking the time to read this... I feel pretty pathetic even resorting to it now. There is a lot more info to add but I figure I would get as much of the basic story out as I can.

A
x

[kidchameleon]

I personally think it could just be fantasy for him, I know a lot of people who fantasize about really... out there things... but I think for at least most of them it's purely mental. I think a lot of people just like to fantasize about things they can't have, although obviously when it gets to the extent that it seems to have with your boyfriend, it may have gone too far.

Focusing on the positives, I think you should at least be grateful that he's saying things like "if I was single", as opposed to the contrary. Unless he's actually cheated on you, I think you should try to stay supportive, and maybe help him get past these fantasies? If he feels like he might have a porn addiction, maybe therapy of some kind could help - to get to the bottom of why he has these fantasies and desires?

I think the fact that you've shown openness to these ideas and he's rejected them, reinforces the idea that these are just fantasies to him - and perhaps you should be grateful? Would you really have been happy indulging him in these things?

I definitely understand how you feel, and why you feel so bad, and you're definetly not wrong for feeling that way. At the end of the day if you're gut is really telling you to dump him, that's probably the best course of action for you. But if it isn't, don't do it just because you feel like you should - and don't disregard emotional love and security as lesser parts of a relationship - they should be the building blocks of it.

These fantasies may just be a phase, or they might be something the two of you can work past together. If you really care about each other, both of you should be prepared to find out. You can't expect to deal with this on your own. Talk to him, and tell him exactly how you feel. If he doesn't see how his actions are affecting you, and refuses to deal with them together... maybe it is time to say goodbye?

[princealbertofb]

Time for counselling, yyrrvvxx? Time to sit him down and have the talk. If you need someone outside the couple to counsel you, don't choose friends, (you're right about that) choose a full-fledged counsellor.

[yyrrvvxx]

I personally think it could just be fantasy for him, I know a lot of people who fantasize about really... out there things... but I think for at least most of them it's purely mental. I think a lot of people just like to fantasize about things they can't have, although obviously when it gets to the extent that it seems to have with your boyfriend, it may have gone too far.

Focusing on the positives, I think you should at least be grateful that he's saying things like "if I was single", as opposed to the contrary. Unless he's actually cheated on you, I think you should try to stay supportive, and maybe help him get past these fantasies? If he feels like he might have a porn addiction, maybe therapy of some kind could help - to get to the bottom of why he has these fantasies and desires?

I think the fact that you've shown openness to these ideas and he's rejected them, reinforces the idea that these are just fantasies to him - and perhaps you should be grateful? Would you really have been happy indulging him in these things?

I definitely understand how you feel, and why you feel so bad, and you're definetly not wrong for feeling that way. At the end of the day if you're gut is really telling you to dump him, that's probably the best course of action for you. But if it isn't, don't do it just because you feel like you should - and don't disregard emotional love and security as lesser parts of a relationship - they should be the building blocks of it.

These fantasies may just be a phase, or they might be something the two of you can work past together. If you really care about each other, both of you should be prepared to find out. You can't expect to deal with this on your own. Talk to him, and tell him exactly how you feel. If he doesn't see how his actions are affecting you, and refuses to deal with them together... maybe it is time to say goodbye?

Firstly thank you for taking the time to write such a wholehearted reply. It means a lot, and it is very well spoken and reasoned.

I totally understand what you're saying about the fantasies, and couldnt agree more. I guess the main thing I'm struggling with is this desire he has for other guys. I feel almost guilty for not being able to give him what he desires, even if he claims they are strictly fantasies. Its just because of his massive sexual history, and having even done sexual activities like I mentioned above in parks, public toilets, etc, when he was single (we are pretty open about everything to each other) I feel like these memories are for some reason becoming more strong now, maybe?

I am grateful that he hasnt actually gone the whole nine yards and cheated on me, yes. I even tell him a lot 'its not you, it's me' and explain my insecurities as totally on my end, and its something I know I have to deal with through counselling. I do plan on seeking help as soon as I can. He is there to support me, I know, but I also feel like getting a little 'crazy' around him, which I have, has only lessened my sexual appeal, which is understandable. When your partner goes through your browser history its not exactly the biggest turn on.

For him, these things, he tells me, arent recent but ongoing. He has been interested in these things for a while, maybe before he experiences some of them in real life. That's what leads me to think he might have a porn addiction.. But as for therapy, he is supportive of me getting therapy but when I explain that he might need some counselling too he brushes me off a little bit. Partially because we are poor art students and funding our practices takes up most of our money--and he thinks sex therapy/counselling is probably too expensive. On the other hand he still seems adamant not to see somebody, even when he has the money and says that he does need to see somebody. I dont want to force him into anything, but I'm just trying to be supportive for him taking steps if need be... Or whether I should just focus on whats happening my end and deal with my emotions and let him get back to his old habits.

Would I be happy indulging him in these things? Absolutely.

In terms of our relationship, I cant decide... On one hand we do have a mutual respect and openness which I really appreciate, where we talk about everything (even aforementioned stuff would not be new news to him in terms of how I feel) very openly. But on the other hand, my emotional insecurities plague my mental activity to the point where I can barely work or think straight, and my grades are suffering as a result. And there are other things he does too that would drive any other guy out the door (thats why he says I'm his first boyfriend at 28 after over 115 or so dates with other guys), and they do frustrate my friends and I a lot. So I simply wonder whether being single for some time would help me straighten things out, and if lessening my emotional attachments would be of any benefit. He tells me directly he thinks he is bad for me, and selfish, and I say the same thing back to him, but he tells me he doesnt want to break up because he is selfish--that he knows I'm better without him but he feels like he needs me so much he couldnt end the relationship. So basically we both feel guilty and we both have our flaws--and I shouldnt have painted him out as a sex demon in the initial post. Is our relationship doomed? How can we make this work? Should I leave him on the basis that I should sort myself out emotionally before fucking him and myself up any more? He thinks he is the perpetrator of a lot of these things.. But I think most of it is the result of my insecurities.

[kidchameleon]

Haha, you're very welcome

Perhaps these memories are becoming stronger due to the fact that your relationship has been going for so long? I'm not an expert, but I'd say for some people 2 years is probably a lot of time. Perhaps as the relationship endures he is simply having a semi-crisis as he thinks about all the things he can no longer do because he's in a committed relationship? Just a thought.

He could just be suffering from some pretty extreme nostalgia, or maybe the relationship is starting to get serious for him, and as it does he's clinging onto his non-monogamous past? I can imagine going from singledom and sex like that, to a 2-year relationship, could warrant some kind of transition period?

I can imagine he's not exactly enthused about your behaviour, but I think the fact that you're going to get counselling should show him you care enough to change it. However, the fact that he won't do the same is a little troubling - especially when you consider a lot of your problems to be coming from his actions (because while you consider it to be "your problem", at the end of the day, if he wasn't doing these things the problem wouldn't be there).

While I certainly don't think you should force anything on him, I do think you should appeal to him in some way to at least attempt therapy - even if only for a little while. Have you considered couples therapy perhaps? Maybe if you both went together he wouldn't have as much of an issue in going? And if money is a genuine worry to him, perhaps you could do some research and look for people charging an affordable rate?

I wouldn't say your relationship is doomed, but from what you've said I would say it needs some work - and it needs to come from both of you. The problems/issues you've raised are all the kind that need both sides to come together, you won't be able to fix this on your own. Share your feelings, tell him what you need/expect from him, explain how you think things can improve, and ask for his needs/expectations/ideas in return.

However, I also think it's important to remind you that in all this, you are the most important person. If you think you are suffering because of the relationships affect on you, it may be time to at least cool it off for a while. Grades, etc, are important (not that you want a lecture on that...), and your emotional wellbeing even moreso. If you feel like things are getting too much to handle, it might to be time to at least take a break from each other, or maybe just slow the relationship down/see each other a little less? Having more time to yourself might give you a chance to work on your confidence/esteem, which could then in turn help you deal with your issues in the relationship?

Again, hope I was somewhat helpful. And hope you work things out

[princealbertofb]

I was going to say, yyrrvvxx, leave the bloody browser history alone. You're not doing yourself any good, and frankly, it's like you're trying to get inside his head. That's something that'll never happen. A man must have his little secrets. All the snooping is not healthy. I think whatever doubts you've had have been corroborated enough by now. Work on what's achievable. Don't try to be all of his fantasies at once, that could be defeating your own purpose and you could end up not being yourself (an uncomfortable and unsustainable position).

Surely your partner has some respect for you and for who you are, with or without the prior (extended) experience. The fact that you are both in art makes it necessary for you to tap into your own stuff and for him to tap into his.

It is possible that there is a certain amount of incompatibility with living together because of two strong personalities. Maybe you would be happier seeing him only once in a while and not having to be subjected to his personal daily habits. Maybe you are right, that he is a porn addict, but doesn't such an addiction stem from somewhere? Does it not fuel his inspiration and his work? Does it not kindle his imagination and power to create? What kindles yours? Can you concentrate on that or is he really vampirising you (sucking the life/creative out of you)?

All of KidChameleon's advice sounds good too. Often you'll find that we, readers of the thread, only act as resounding boxes for what you already know, solutions that you've already found. Maybe it's time to separate your lives, at least for a while, until you can find your ground again, and a bit more of your sanity (mental health). All this worrying is doing you no good.

I don't know how things go in your couple, but if you were to get back together or stay together, and you were ready to indulge him in giving him his liberty to have sexual encounters on the side, you should just insist on his being responsible towards you and wear the necessary protections, so he doesn't expose you (or himself) to diseases or infections that you'd rather keep at bay. There are ways of minimising sluttiness, after all.

In this relationship, I see you as the stronger one, the one with more resilience, while your partner seems to be unable to change or get out of a rut (thus considering himself to be bad for you, and acknowledging it, but not trying to improve it, or change the cycle). That is surely something to be proud of.

Take care.