The BF and I are better today. We're at least talking now, where before when he'd ask me a question the most he'd get out of me was three words. Don't get me wrong, I still have my guard up, and it's going to take some time before I ever truly trust him again, but at least we're making progress.
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Good, Archubbycub, I guess that's when we really learn the meaning of forgiveness. Forgiving does not mean forgetting.
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Is it wrong that I went through his phone to see if he was still talking to that other guy or anyone else in that way? All I found were texts from his friends and family, nothing out of the ordinary. But I felt like I needed to know. Neither one of us keep our phones locked and he's always said that I can look at his phone and messages anytime I want. I just hate being so mistrusting of him like this.
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It isn't wrong that you went through his phone, but what does it mean that you did? What does it mean about your trust and your relationship? It's clear that this is really bothering you, and that's what you need to deal with now.
He did what he did, and that won't change. Can you overcome your feelings of betrayal and trust him again? It will take time and you will need to talk about it together. Taking some time to sort out your feelings first is fine, as long as you get back to talking about it with him.
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I want to trust him again and I want to get over this feeling of betrayal, but it's really difficult right now. and it doesn't help that he keeps doing things that set me right back to where I was when he first told me about it. Like yesterday he literally yelled at me because I ate the last jello cup in the fridge. And I mean yelled! I just shut down and stopped talking to him for a while, but I couldn't believe he did that.
Like I said, I've given advice on situations like this hundreds of times, but now that I'm the one in the situation, it's completely different. I'm at a total loss.
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Well, it depends. If you feel like doing it everyday or every week it will be better if you break up. Because that will mean that you won't trust him if he stays longer at the office, goes to a party with his friends, goes (or you go) to a business trip for example and the mistrust will destroy your relationship anyway.
I understand that is is raw now, but you can't live like this for long. Neither of you can.
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That was the first time I checked his phone since this happened. Hell it's the first time I've checked his phone ever. And not finding anything did make me feel better about the situation. I know it's going to take time and a lot of work. I think the worst part is the not knowing what's going to happen. But somehow I'm going to have to learn to trust him again. Which is not easy for me to do with anyone who's broken my trust, regardless of the relationship I have with them.
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It is an ongoing issue amongst gay men....face it we cannot be monogamous the only couples I know who are monogamous are really old and the sex drive is virtually non-existent.
I truly believe all relationships should start with this premise "we are sexual people" acknowledging the fact I am attracted to you but my eyes stray and I might want to act out on it. If you are truly committed to each other be open in your relationship. My best friend and I have this type of relationship and after an encounter can't wait to to tell each other about it.
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Hello, here's my 2 cents.
I think that him telling you was a huge step. You need to empathise with this, its important. If he didn't tell you, you'd never found out.
He feels/felt guilty, so guilty in fact that he did the "stupid" thing. He told you because he wanted to punish himself and also because he trusts you.
Another thing that people often forget is that according to cybertheory and most queer theorists that investigate cybersex, there is a level of removal from reality when we look at a 2 dimensional representation of something on a screen.
What this means is: Just because it happened on skype, would not mean it would have happened, EVER, in real life. Chatrooms and video online is much more like an interactive game. He basically watched interactive porn.
Now why would he tell you this? Because he was likely horny, missing you and went on the look for something to wank to and might have ended up on some form of randomchat, gay chatroom or something like that. After he came he realised that shit, this was kinda real. The same way as watching porn is virtual, yet the moment of orgasm makes one feel like a present voyeur who has been there watching, him having an orgasm could easily have "grounded" the virtual sex and made him feel like he cheated on you.
Which he in fact did not.
Where do you draw the line between him talking to someone random in Japan (for example) and telling that guy to show him his ass and dick, or him watching a porno of a stud jerking it?
It all depends on his intention. If his intention was to find someone to actually meet in real life, and the camera session was just a way to have virtual sex or if it was just a way for him to get off.
Was the guy he was talking to objectified, a funnel for pure lust and porn hornyness or was he talking about personal things, like a virtual date, in the hopes of setting things up for future meetings.
I think you need to talk to him. You need to acknowledge that none of you is perfect, and that he was very brave and felt a tremendous amount of guilt by telling you.
You should be very clear with your boundaries from now on, perhaps suggest that next time you two do it together on skype when he misses you, and that porn is ok. However he should not whack it with others online, for example....
Inform him that if anything like that happens in real life its over and you rather he be aware of you not wanting or being capable of him having sex with others, because you love him.
Hope this gives you an alternative viewpoint and helps in some way?
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previous generation, inc the op, spent a lot of time in the closet. In society there was not a lot of inclusion for gay people. the gays developed their compensations for all this. All this cant be good. If there is a gay culture i bet its not functional for current times.
In the last 2 years alone it has changed, in the last 5 changed a lot. The last 10 years has been forgotten.
-after your discovery; take your time, be careful what you say to your partner.
-I bet few people have setup rules and expectations in their big gay relationship, now is the time? What are your issues and consequences? Set the expectations along the lines that promote the relationship to continue not establish deal breakers.
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Not Sure What to Do
