Complicated psychological issues regarding sexuality.

[danezcou3]

Hello dear people. I came here to share with you my problem, and i hope i can get some good feedback regarding it.

I´m going to describe in detail what my homosexual tendencies are, and then i´m going to explain my personal thoughts and
ideas regarding those tendencies, and describe how these tendencies of mine counteract to what i strive to how i wish to
express my personality on a daily basis in social interactions - and why i want that.

I could describe the problem as a whole as having roots regarding self denial, shame induced from uncontrollable
tendencies, and cognitive dissonance; which means that two simultaneous opposite ideas exist on an equal level of
inclination, so that i´m stuck in the middle with 2 choices and i can´t decide which is right at times.

My sexuality is completely fluid. There is no constant regarding anything. Sometimes i want this and sometimes i want that
and i can´t control at all when i want what.

As i said, this post is meant to be serious but i´m going to have use language that describes somethings that i want, and
you may get sexually aroused reading it - just try to read this post in a critical manner, but not from a sexual standpoint
regardless of its contents.

I sometimes, if not often; have this fantasy of being overpowered by another stronger taller man with a large and a thick
penis, and this fantasy alone is causing me deep psychological problems, as i do not want - to want this. I always try to
hide this tendency as much as i can, and at times i do very well at it. I really am into women, but i ONLY want to be into
women as it would make me feel always like i want to feel. I want to be the man. I want to be the one that dominates
another person sexually, and make them feel like i sometimes do. I want them to submit to MY strength, and feel overpowered by me.

My problem is that i realize that males compete with each other on a daily basis socially. I want to be the alpha male of
my peers. I want to be the masculine one, and to be respected by my peers as a cause of my social dominance among them.

In reality, in the social world, i have this idea of who i want to be in the eyes of others. I want women to appreciate me
and respect me and want me because of my masculine features. And i believe that i succeed very well at this. In fact, i
think that many women are intimidated by my masculinity at times. I am very good at playing this role i strive for, and
the gratification i gain from fulfilling this role gives me internal satisfaction and contributes to my ego.

This whole idea of who i want to be, as you may realizy completely now; counteracts very much to what sexual desires
sometimes arise within me. I consider wanting to be dominated by another stronger male, is not very integrated and adjusted to this personality that i´ve developed in my social affairs, and it induces a constant confusion and pain inside me that i
know i will probably never be able to cure. WHY should i have to give in to my sexuality which i want nothing to do with,
and let it alter the course i want my life to head? Should i just create a routine that for the rest of my life i should
masturbate to these fantasies alone and isolated and afterwards pretend like its normal, and then go on with my life?

Guys, i really have nothing against homosexuality, it just doesnt fit me personally, and it drives me to shame when i feel
the desires for these things; as it counteracts to what i strive to be. I don´t expect any magical answer from any of you
that will make me see everything clearly (althought i wish so), just please be honest with me and tell me your opinion.

[Wiggedjay]

I was as a child very conflicted by my sexuality compared to the way that men are socially programmed to behave. as men most of us have that competitive nature. In my case I had from a very early age the desire to be loved and protected by a man who I found sexually attractive, I hesitate to use the word dominated as that conjures up several different images, I wanted him to take the lead in life as well as in the bedroom. My dream was to give myself to him fully not in a submissive way but as an equal partner who wanted to please his lover. I also fantasied about how I would enjoy sex with that man, in those fantasies I was nearly always the one being penetrated, the one cuddling in his arms in those wonderful moments after orgasm. So that was the dream, the fantasy of a 13 year boy, so did reality match the dream. Ok to fit in society I tried to date and have sex with girls, it was a disaster, I could not understand what all the fuss was about and it was very traumatic for me as I wanted to fit in with societies view of an alpha male. I even married but again this was a disaster in the bedroom department...I once commented to a friend who was enthusing over sex with women that it was only functional and I got more pleasure from urinating. This, he just laughed at, and for many years used, on the appropriate occasion, too make fun of me by repeating my remark. Even while married I used to sneak around on the down low meaning guys in public toilets and parks for sex, it was usually very quick but the feeling I had when doing this was 100 times better than any woman I had been with but I was still conflicted between the feelings I had and societies perception of me, I was not yet willing to accept my sexuality or be controlled by it.

The next stage in my life started in my late twenties, I had an opportunity to work away from home for a long period of time, living overseas alone for six months at a time. This period transformed my life I started meeting guys on a regular basis and bringing them back to my apartment to stay the night. In these longer sessions I was able to explore with these men what I enjoyed in sex. My dreams had always been to be penetrated by the man whether I was sitting astride his penis with me controlling the act or me pinned to the bed by his arms and body weight. Some of the guys wanted me to penetrate them which I did but I found that to be functional, again it did not turn me on in way that being a bottom did and still does to this day. As I explored my sexuality I realized what worked for me which was exactly what my childhood fantasy was. I have now completely given in to that and OMG! I have never been happier. It is well over 10 years since I penetrated another guy...I sometimes get conflicted that if I fell in love with a man who wanted that would I do it to make him happy? I think the answer would be yes if we had built up our relationship in a loving and caring way where we are both comfortable with out sexuality. My current boyfriend has in the 4 months we have been dating shown no desire to be penetrated but I think I could do it but we will see. My advice to you honey is if being dominated is your fantasy give in to it you may find that it is not what you want or you may be lucky like me and find it is better than you could in your wildest dreams imagine. Whichever way it will continue to haunt you until you, if you get married to a woman it will be the third person in the bed and relationship until you can either forget or until you find out whether it is for you. Don't worry about being less of a man that is society's perception in my view pleasing someone you love sexually whichever way you do it is being a real man.

[gilhooly]

Maybe it's me, but this thread is insulting. I have been gay for 57 years. Since I was a child I was the toughest kid in my neighborhood. I liked guys and made no bones about it. When I was 11 a nasty kid said I should not have sex with another 11 year old. I put the bastard in the hospital after breaking his ribs. The boys in my neighborhood of NYC liked me a lot. I was incredibly protective of boys who loved other boys. I calmed down a lot by the 8th grade and stopped carrying loaded guns and switchblades.

I never thought of myself as gay. I never heard that word until I was 30. I was a very manly cute boy who liked cte boys. My parents let me have nude sleepovers with boys. The nights were torrid. If someone had suggested I was queer or unusual, I punched them in the mouth.

By the time I reached the marine corps, I was very popular with engaged guys who were curious about strong marines who could fight or fuck with equal ability. I did great and enjoyed my life in the arms of men.

My current problem is still the same. Everyone insists I am straight because I have never acted like a faggot or a sissy. Call me a faggot and I punch you. Smile and ask for a blowjob and chances are you will win. I like men, preferably in the nude with a nice erection that can can ejaculate.

Most guys found it impressive that I could get into a guys pants within a few hours of meeting. I kept guys as lovers because they found me physically strong and supportive. I was always called a gentle, kind lover by guys. But, I still have one hell of a temper with assholes who act homophobic.

I repeat. Your thread sounds homophobic. You assure us you are not against homosexuality. If you were against me or a friend for being homosexual, I would knock your fucking lights out. I still have a good reputation as a marine. I deserved it. I defended my country. I defended my platoon. By golly, I liked fucking marines.

Your thread reads like bullshit but I may be the guy you are dreaming about. I liked fucking heterosexuals. Made me feel competent, alive and in demand.

By the end of my sex life a few years ago, I was asked if I had ever fucked a gay guy. I squirmed a bit and said NO. Bad luck I guess. I got enough straight guys to say YES.. Didn't bother me a bit if they got married and had children. Even got 2 godsons in the deal.

Why don't you say, I sometimes like sex with guys. End of topic.

[Bowyn Aerrow]

I want to be a rainbow colored flying unicorn - that doesn't mean I can be.

Clearly there is a bit of a passive (beta) male in you that is screaming for attention and wants a big hulking Alpha Male to put you in your place.

I like some of what you wrote:

is not very integrated and adjusted to this personality that i've developed in my social affairs,

Very interesting - I'm going to assume you have a decent command of the English language and know that what you wrote boils down to :

I constructed this persona that I want everyone else to believe is me.

Another thing you said:

I want to be the masculine one, and to be respected by my peers as a cause of my social dominance among them

I think you have this assumption that to be respected by your peers you have to be the masculine one.

What you fail to understand is that you have created this persona which isn't you.

Those fantasies, those desires are part of you - they are YOU.

There is a time and place where you are going to have to accept yourself as you really are and stop making this mask of a person you think you should be.

No you don't want to be the dominate one in bed all the time - clearly you want to be the submissive one at times - there is nothing wrong with that.

Be yourself, stop trying to be something you are not.

[Beaux]

So....basically, your saying, "I'm gay and I don't want to be gay."

Your here. Your queer.......See where I'm going with this....?

[Undreamt]

You can't control your sexuality, you might be able to control how you present yourself to society you might be able to try and hide or repress your feelings from yourself but it will only ever be denial.

You seem to be fighting yourself in what you think is an impossible conflict of perceptions/needs/wants.
But I ask you, why do you feel that you can't have both?


Sexually it appears that you want a man to dominate you.
Socially you want to be dominant over your peers.

because of the norms of society you believe that in order to show your superiority over your peers then you need to have a nice trophy wife that keeps house and entertains guests.


Newsflash - Your sexuality and your social life only have to cross paths as much as you want them to.

I'm sure alot of people have heard of the stereotype - quite librarian type women who turn into tigers in the bedroom.
Well there are just as many macho-masculine men who like to be babied and humiliated (adult diapers) or tied up or dominated.



I can even use myself as an example, most people think i'm a shy slightly introverted non-assuming average guy, when I say i have a partner they always ask me what her name is.
Nobody would ever guess that I've had two guys on their knees begging for my attention, in the middle of a bar no less.


It sounds more like your afraid of what people would think of you if they knew what you did in the privacy of your own bedroom. Don't you think your getting ahead of yourself a little bit?

Unless you plan on having an audience or bragging about your complete submission to a dominant top, what is the worst that can happen if you let yourself explore your own sexuality?

[danezcou3]

You can't control your sexuality, you might be able to control how you present yourself to society you might be able to try and hide or repress your feelings from yourself but it will only ever be denial.

You seem to be fighting yourself in what you think is an impossible conflict of perceptions/needs/wants.
But I ask you, why do you feel that you can't have both?


Sexually it appears that you want a man to dominate you.
Socially you want to be dominant over your peers.

because of the norms of society you believe that in order to show your superiority over your peers then you need to have a nice trophy wife that keeps house and entertains guests.


Newsflash - Your sexuality and your social life only have to cross paths as much as you want them to.

I'm sure alot of people have heard of the stereotype - quite librarian type women who turn into tigers in the bedroom.
Well there are just as many macho-masculine men who like to be babied and humiliated (adult diapers) or tied up or dominated.



I can even use myself as an example, most people think i'm a shy slightly introverted non-assuming average guy, when I say i have a partner they always ask me what her name is.
Nobody would ever guess that I've had two guys on their knees begging for my attention, in the middle of a bar no less.


It sounds more like your afraid of what people would think of you if they knew what you did in the privacy of your own bedroom. Don't you think your getting ahead of yourself a little bit?

Unless you plan on having an audience or bragging about your complete submission to a dominant top, what is the worst that can happen if you let yourself explore your own sexuality?

I like this response, and i agree with you the most.

[Zet]

You're curious, unsure... If you never open your mind and explore your desire, will you never know what you really want.

[Lalo]

IMO- there are two separate issues here, dominance and sexuality. The two are separate yet may cross at times, but are also sometimes confusing and difficult to separate. I know because dominance has always been a part of my sex play and I am completely comfortable with that.

When I was younger, I would always seek out a dominant top for a partner. As time went by, I discovered that I also enjoyed being the "dominant" person sexually. Let's face it, there is a certain inherent act of dominance in inserting a penis into another person's body. Anyway, when I discovered that I could top with the best of them, I strove to become the best top I could. I wanted to drive my partners crazy with desire and bring them to orgasm. That was powerful to me.

It is for this same reason that I have enjoyed sex with women, particularly oral sex. I LOVE to drive a woman crazy with my tongue and have her writhing in ecstasy; almost as much as I like doing the same for my man. LOL But that doesn't make me straight. It simply makes me... well, me.

The need/desire/want to be dominated by a man may not be completely a sexual need. Then again, it might be a much stronger indicator of who you are sexually. The only person who can tell you that is you. You need to come to terms with who you are sexually, and if that includes incorporating dominance, so be it.

I wish you luck. I hope that you explore all aspects of your sexuality so that you can find yourself and come to terms with your own sexual identity. Just remember that there are no "black and whites" when it comes to sexuality and anybody who tries to put you in a box (whether gay or straight) is ignorant. ALLOW yourself the freedom to be you and stop bathing yourself in guilt over your desires. Good luck.

[Bowyn Aerrow]

^^^ you just drove me crazy with desire.... Pity you are married.

I sooo want to ride a wolf.....