Sexuality and Settling Down

[InbetweenDreams]

I have been one to see sexuality to be more of a spectrum of things rather than it be something set in stone. I find it a bit troubling at times. I would have to conclude that I would seem to be closer to being bisexual than say totally gay. But here's the thing I default to guys, but that is also because that's mostly what I know. I haven't dated a girl since I was just out of high school and even then I was still figuring things out. I think I am the type of person who finds almost no one sexually attractive. Had an interesting conversation with someone while I was on vacation about that and truthfully I find that I don't see guys or girls who most would say were attractive as being attractive...I guess I have a peculiar taste in people. So I think when it boils down to it I'm probably closer to 50/50.

The problem is that I haven't dated a girl in forever and most that would be in my age area are either married, have kids and divoriced or have some kind of hang up like don't want kids, etc. Plus I would trend to think that dating girls will be much different and a bit of a curve for me and my introverted self. So, one of the questions is whether or not I am barking up the wrong tree...I may have even touched on this issue a bit in the past.

The problems I face is that being gay there seem to be more hang ups, but I suppose that is simply a fact of life and not limited to gay dating. But one thing is for sure and this area is to blame mostly is that there aren't as many fish in the sea. Plus I am stuck with the whole do I move or not move, where do I move to if I were to move? Do I move closer to my sister near the coast? Or should a move what ought to be a more socially accepting area? I thought about Colorado...but who knows. I thought about making another thread about that. It would be years most likely before I can even think about moving anywhere.

Anyway getting back to the point. I think having kids is nice, I definitely see that it is a huge undertaking and I have yet to even come close to getting in a relationship serious enough to even bring that up, or make it a realistic goal. I haven't got to a point where I'm living with a partner...so perhaps it is the area. The other thing I find is that all the gay guys leave the area or are in college and have other things that take precedence over dating...which makes sense. Got to have your duckies in a row before you wrap yourself up into something else and perhaps that's what I should have been working on in the first place rather than buying sports cars and all that other crap.

I do try to tell myself that it isn't too late...but is it? I mean going from dating guys to dating girls with the intent on settling down and all that jazz isn't exactly like flipping a switch or pulling off a band-aid. However I do feel that because of my sexuality it would have to come to light if I were to actually get into a relationship with a woman, I mean I don't feel good about hiding all that. So at any rate probably rules out a lot of women.

The thing I noticed about a good number of women in this area I'm in is that a lot of them are Jesus freaks. I mean it is all good that someone goes to church and all that but if you have to put "I love Jesus" on your profile on a dating app I think that it's a hint of crazy if you ask me. I'm not about that and I'm not religious. I believe in God but that's about as far as I can get and feel comfortable about it, I don't really regard myself as a Christian at this point....I just haven't got there. Not going to dive into a bunch of detail on that.

The sexual part seems to feel like a major hurdle on the gay side of things. I kind of regard myself as a top but then there are guys who want to reverse roles and I've yet to have been with a partner who can actually take the time with me so that I could bottom. It probably isn't my cup of tea honestly. I've tried a few times years ago and pretty much hated it, but the two guys who tried topping me were more about having an orgasm and got impatient... So I pretty much stuck to topping and I'm more dominant anyway. I tend to be more attracted to smaller, slimmer guys with some exceptions. With women tend to be the same for the most part. However, society will have you look at women who are practically anorexic with huge boobs...or a disproportionally big ass...and that's not my cup of tea...

Aside from all the sexuality crap. Trying to find someone I can tolerate and relate to...and vice versa has been more of a challenge than anything. It's not that I am hard to get along with but I've had too much time to myself and I think that can lead to making things difficult trying to share things with other people... But as much wisdom someone can gain by just having good sense and so forth, experience is worth far more. There's just lack of people to date here...period. I think that is probably the big problem and I'm certainly not going to pay for some online dating service. I'm not saying it isn't possible to find someone on some dating app but it certainly has a bad track record. There really isn't any real "dating" apps for gay guys, pretty much everyone uses them as sex apps and they are all geared to be used as such and not so much for dating. I think it is largely how men in general are wired and I'm not saying I'm some kind of exception because I am not.

Anyway, hopefully that all made some sense and not just some incoherent rambling. I just don't see sexuality as being black and white and I think most people would agree. I also feel that one should be able to decide what they want to do and I realize most gay guys are gay and don't see it as a choice, but for guys who are more down the middle might be able to choose, that or live a life of conflict on who they are...I suppose that happens a lot as well and I feel like I could easily fall into that tug of war with myself. However, society lags behind everything, I imagine a lot of women are uncomfortable with a guy who has dated guys and might very well be put off or just find it repulsive... or a whole host of other possibilities.

[princealbertofb]

[MENTION=23180]axle2152[/MENTION], I think you are overthinking all of this. So, maybe you are bisexual, or maybe you are one of the people who need to feel in love with someone, no matter what their gender, to tick and start a relationship. Maybe it's not so much a gender or sexual thing as a connection thing.

The way to go about meeting people is generally to put yourself out there. Maybe you could try an online dating site, if you feel comfortable with that, then you can start the whole dating process. If not a dating site, joining a group of like-minded people over a hobby can be a good idea to make acquaintances. Join a car rallye group, or a flower arrangement group, or a dance class or a cookery club... (you name it).

Get to know a person gradually. I'm sure there are girls out there who would be more than glad to reform an 'old' gay man like you, haha. I know you're not old. Just thought I'd joke about how much gay experience you've had.

There are girls out there who probably would like to settle and who would love to have a man who is experienced in some way, who has some of the qualities that gays are known for and who is ready to commit. So probably the thing you'd have to deal with the most would be commitment.

Are you telling us that you think you are ready to commit?
Are there any family pressures on you to start a family, or is this just something that you've come to thinking on your own, as part of your personal development?

You'll also have to think hard about whether you think you would miss the gay sex (or relationships). It would be honourable to tell your future girlfriend / wife / female partner or companion about your past, so that she can fully understand what makes you tick, or what has made you tick. Probably, by discussing it with her, things will fall into place better and you'll both be able to see if this relationship is what will work for you. As for children, well, it should be a pretty simple affair, if you're both ready for them.

Good luck finding that special person. Mind you, there are also men who are looking to create a family with another man.

[princealbertofb]

As an (important) aside, she might want to see your sexual health records... ie, you may have to prove to her that you are not bearing some unpleasant sexual disease. But I'd say that that should go for her too.

[Camfer]

Bisexuality is no more a choice than any other orientation. Everyone chooses who they interact with. The choice is the person, not the orientation.

Introverts spend a lot of time thinking about what their social interactions and relationships will look like. A little bit of that is good, the rest is keeping you from social interactions that lead to dating. So get out there and interact with people in real life, avoid the ones who annoy you and spend time with the people who make you laugh and have fun. Put yourself out there as who you are and let others decide if they can deal with it or not. There are plenty of people who will date a bi guy with more experience with one gender.

In your area, getting on the apps every few months and being upfront that you are not looking for an immediate hookup could well lead to some meetings. You'll quickly learn who the regulars are that you want to avoid. Best not to spend a lot of time or money there, but checking in on occasion should certainly be considered as part of the game plan.

It's easier to figure this out with a real person than imagining stuff on your own.

[princealbertofb]

Most people used to find their partners in a work or study or religious situation or context, sometimes a family context (a wedding, or reunion or some such gathering), the rest was done through social groups (such as the ones I described). Some people used to go (still go?) to bars, discos and events which somehow seem to be places where people can bond, but these days it certainly is the connected world that brings us most of our interactions.

Don't have any expectations from any of these potential meeting places.
If it doesn't work going to a disco or bar or religious service, if it doesn't work going online, if it doesn't work through the work or study place, there's bound to be some social situation where you will meet people, men and women, some of whom you will get on with. The old double dating plan is just one way of doing it, speed dating was another. For all you know you'll meet someone completely out of the blue, quite randomly when you weren't actually looking (or didn't realise that you were looking). The only thing is to be ready to go out and meet people and connect with them.

The last two trips I took on the plane were just fun as I got speaking to my fellow passengers of the same row on one flight (one Portuguese student and another a maths teacher in the Middle East) and helped an older lady with her suitcase on the second, offering to put it in the luggage hold for her as it was very heavy. We ended up having a long conversation on the rest of the time the trip took. All it takes is to engage in some polite or helpful way and then you're away.

[InbetweenDreams]

[MENTION=1766]princealbertofb[/MENTION] I probably am as I usually do, but to sum things up I just feel like I ought to be way ahead of where I am at in life. I mean 30 and living at home and having racked up a bunch of debt because I want to buy this or get into a hobby or whatever just is silly. I mean I think it was a good thing to have gotten into biking and backpacking and so on but it costs money. Last night I did a group bike ride on a new bike and one of the first things someoned asked me was when I was going to get clip in pedals... Well the thing is to get pedals and the shoes is going to cost a few hundred bucks, plus I don't know that I have the necessary tools to do it myself so then I have to pay for that... Hobbies are fun but it seems I have spent myself into oblivion getting into new things. Not a good place to be at 30, but things could always be worse.

The way to go about meeting people is generally to put yourself out there. Maybe you could try an online dating site, if you feel comfortable with that, then you can start the whole dating process. If not a dating site, joining a group of like-minded people over a hobby can be a good idea to make acquaintances. Join a car rallye group, or a flower arrangement group, or a dance class or a cookery club... (you name it).

Well thats just the thing, most people in the area are considerably older...No not saying I have a problem with older people just not what I'm wanting. I don't have the expection of someone having to be 30. I have seen guys who are 21 and have on their profile "no one over 22!" and my thoughts are good luck. There isn't much of a young crowd here. I'm in a very rural part of NC and the south isn't exactly the most liberal of people when it comes to gay people. I mean there's still plenty of people with the mindset of what was socially acceptable like women belong at home and in the kitchen making me dinner and so on.

I've joined a few groups, but again most are much older folks, I'm again, the youngest person in the cycling group and ham radio -- well that one was to be expected. There is a computer group, I know about them and again...older folks. When I say older we're talking senior citizens....55+. Again, nothing wrong with older folks but not what I'm looking for to settle down or sexually for that matter.

The thing is I don't know of a good gay dating app where the guys on there are actually wanting to date with the goal of actually having a relationship. I get plenty of guys soliciting sex or wanting to trade pictures and all that crap. Grindr, for instance, and everyone knows that it is a terrible app to use for purposes other than finding sex. Every gay dating app is the same way...what do gay women do about this? I don't see any gay dating apps where there are more women than men using them, seems to be something about that.

I wish at times that I did live in a more populated area so that there were gay bars or pride or something... Speaking of pride...I did start a thread a while back about pride because I have never been to one. There is a town about 2 hours away that will be having one this fall and thought about possibly going...probably alone but not really a choice there. I don't know if something like that would be good for me, but I don't know what they're really all about...Other than a congregation of gay people with rainbow flags and body pain I don't know what else there is to do there. I'd honestly rather go with someone rather than go alone, not as a date just have a friend who also wanted to go...I'm afraid I'll clam up and end up leaving disappointed.

There are girls out there who probably would like to settle and who would love to have a man who is experienced in some way, who has some of the qualities that gays are known for and who is ready to commit. So probably the thing you'd have to deal with the most would be commitment.

There might be a few but I feel it is slim pickings out here. I would probably have to move to a more liberal area...and probably do anyway. Lot of jesus freaks and girls who try to make a point that they like getting in mud...I mean that in all seriousness. I don't know how many girls make a point that they like riding on 4-wheelers...Great, that's wonderful. Any other intellectual qualities?

Are you telling us that you think you are ready to commit?

Yeah I'm pretty much want to find the right person and settle down. Been trying that for a while. I get that it doesn't happen overnight and chances are there will be more failed attempts. I just can't find anyone, of quality, who wants to settle down. I don't want to lower my standards. I mean there'a a lot of nice guys who would probably be loyal and all but I'm not going to date someone who's 350 lbs, it's just not going to happen. Then I get called shallow for not dating someone I do not find attractive.

That's the whole problem, why would anyone go for something they don't want. I mean might as well not even be gay if you're not, why would it even matter. That's the attitude I get from guys online, they expect you to bend over backwards and make the compromise. It all has to be mutual. Now I have met plenty of attractive guys who are absolute jerks, which in turn make them unattractive. I don't care how sexy a guy is, be a dick to me and I will never look at you the same way.

No family pressures to start a family. While my parents are supportive of whatever I do, they probably deep down would much rather me not be gay. For the most part it has been something I have been thinking about on my own and just tired of the same old thing and being lonely and disappointed in the pond that is around here.

You'll also have to think hard about whether you think you would miss the gay sex (or relationships). It would be honourable to tell your future girlfriend / wife / female partner or companion about your past, so that she can fully understand what makes you tick, or what has made you tick. Probably, by discussing it with her, things will fall into place better and you'll both be able to see if this relationship is what will work for you. As for children, well, it should be a pretty simple affair, if you're both ready for them.

I don't think I will stop being attracted to guys. Which is concerning because I don't know for sure that what I think I want is what I really want. It is kind of like getting asked what you want to be when you grow up when you're a kid. You might say I want to be a fireman or whatever, but you have no clue what being a fireman is all about. Basically what I'm saying is that this is all uncharted territory for me. I haven't even had sex with a woman for that matter...although I have come close and then all my "friends" were telling me that I was gay and all that while I was struggling with all that at the time. Fun times.

I don't think I would want to hide anything from my partner. One thing for sure is that I'm not good at hiding things, so it is to my benefit that I've never been one to cheat on anyone.

[princealbertofb]

@axle2152, since you've ''been there, done that'', I think you are right to start considering moving to a bigger place. Can you do that? Do you have any connections in a bigger city, friend, family, former workmate or school friend that you could join for a while, to make the transition easier, or do you think you'd have to move out completely on your own? What qualifications do you have in the workplace, and how could you make the most of your skills in a new job? Think about finding a new job in a new place then move there? What are your options? It seems you need a change of scenery.

[princealbertofb]

All these older people you hang out with, don't they have younger sons and daughters? Or nephews and nieces? What about letting them know that you are looking for something serious? Someone may know someone...

[InbetweenDreams]

I don't know if there would be any speed dating in the area. I mean there could be but I have a feeling I would be traveling afar to find that sort of thing... I'm pretty much two hours from anything big...About 100 miles... roughly.

[InbetweenDreams]

@axle2152, since you've ''been there, done that'', I think you are right to start considering moving to a bigger place. Can you do that? Do you have any connections in a bigger city, friend, family, former workmate or school friend that you could join for a while, to make the transition easier, or do you think you'd have to move out completely on your own? What qualifications do you have in the workplace, and how could you make the most of your skills in a new job? Think about finding a new job in a new place then move there? What are your options? It seems you need a change of scenery.

I do have a sister who lives across the state near the coast and it is much more populated. I did have plans to try to move out there but every job offer fell through. Right now I have a pretty good job at a community college and hoping something might open up towards that direction. A change of scenery would be nice. There are two main reasons I never moved out, well, 3. First I never made enough money, until recently. I'm not very trusting of just finding a roommate so I had the idea of not ever getting into a place I couldn't afford myself, sounds like a smart idea. I have heard nothing but horror stories about landlords and roommate and everything getting screwed over. My sister's house that she rented got foreclosed on a few days before Christmas and had like 2-3 months to get out and move...luckily it worked out for them.

In the back of my mind I was hoping to have met someone by now or came into a situation where I would have ended up being roommates with or something. Looking for that island of stability -- which you and I both know doesn't really exist.

All these older people you hang out with, don't they have younger sons and daughters? Or nephews and nieces? What about letting them know that you are looking for something serious? Someone may know someone...

Most of these folks are republicans! Secondly a lot of them have sons and daughters who live somewhere else in the country. Most of the folks are up here retired from places like Florida and so forth.