Botton or Top and dating?

[artyboy]

I'm starting to this as a problem during this whole dating thing online.

How do you work out if what the other guy is into with out sounding horny or gagging for sex?

Or is it that big of deal as people can change.

What are for thoughts on the matter?

[LateBloomer]

Well, if you're looking for a LTR then you're looking for compatibility on MANY different levels---and roles in bed are just one of MANY.

Like anything else, you talk, negotiate and compromise.

[Maverick]

If you're dating, and trying to "build" something into a relationship, then I don't feel being a "top" or "bottom" should even be a consideration at this point. After all, sex should not be "priority"; really it's only ever a small portion of what makes up a relationship anyway. And what ever happened to "giving of yourself to please the person you love", which means you do things that you might not like, but you do it out of love for the other person (which could transulate to both people in the relationship being versatile, if that's an important thing for both people...).

As far as people changing, yeah it's possible, I've heard all kinds of stories of guys who "thought" they would only like being a top, but eventually tired being a bottom and "learned" how to enjoy it, or at least tolerate it...

[artyboy]

I was just interested as a topic I haven't seen talked about before one here.

I'm not after just sex, its just I found in some dates especially with guys that have came they all think its really important.

I'm starting to realized it isn't that important really. Guess I'm growing up lol!

[LateBloomer]

I think it's important.

But I wouldn't end a whole relationship over this one detail. For some guys it does tend to be a deal breaker and I think that's too bad.

[BobInTampa]

Ah, the Sexual "position" question again!

Let's all be really honest about this question shall we? Depending on the person, it can be the DETERMINING FACTOR in the long-term success or failure of a relationship! And, given the FACT that sex and intimacy is not a "this-or-that" thing having an open and honest discussion with a potential mate (not on the first date mind you) is CRITICAL requirement!

Let me elaborate. Now adays, alot of single folks are using the internet and dating websites (many of which have reputations as being soley "hookup sites" - but that's not 100% true - i met my partner on one of those sites and we're really happy), and the profiles on those sites often have a "position" field to be filled out. Sometimes it's a drop-down menu with pre-defined options (Top, bottom, versatile) while others have text fields that the member fills in for himself. LET ME BE CLEAR - This information is a PREFERENCE for at least 80% of the members. So, if you are on a site, and you see a profile you like and you see he's listed TOP as his preferred position - and YOU are ALSO a TOP by preference, don't just pass up the chance to engage him! Why? Because a preference is JUST that! You may find out that while it's his preference when it comes to random hookups (or even in general) it does NOT mean he isn't open to bottoming. Thus, the importance of having that discussion (somewhere around the 3rd or 4th date - but definatly before actually having sex with him). NOTE: THE SAME THING APPLIES TO GUYS WHO HAVE "BOTTOM" AS THEIR PREFERENCE.

Take me for example. I'm a "versatile-top." My partner is a "versatile bottom." So, as you can imagine, this works out really well for us in our relationship. And guess what? 60% of the time i top my hubby, 20% of the time my hubby tops me and 20% of the time we flip-flop during sex. For us it's IDEAL!

Why do i say all this? Well, i can't tell you HOW many friends of mine bemoan the fact that all the guys they are interested in on dating sites aren't compatible based on their position preference. It's then that i roll up a newspaper and smack them gently on the top of the head and say, "Hey dummy, it's just a profile, say hi and see where it goes before you just pass him up because you're both "bottoms." And it's also at that time i ususally say, "Oh, and your profile says you're a "bottom" but i know you like to top, right?" Of course, he says yes, and that's when we have the chat about WHY he puts that on his profile - and as you can imagine, it's there because when it comes to just a "trick" he wants to bottom!

So, the moral of this story is that you should take those "position preferences" only at face value! You won't really know the truth until you actually get to KNOW a person - even if their profile says they are a "total bottom." Why? Because it's been my experience that alot of these "100%" guys say that because it's easy. But when it comes to LOVE, many folks will modify their position preference to help solidify their relationship.

All that being said, say you DO meet and and start dating a guy who's a "TOTAL BOTTOM" and you are "TOTAL BOTTOM" - meaning neither of you will EVER, EVER, EVER, EVER top, then you're both going to have to come to a true understanding about sex, monogamy and cheating. Why? Well, unless you're both happy with using sex-toys on each other to satisfy your "bottoming" needs, then you may have to face the reality that having an open relationship may have to be an option. WHy? Because eventually, ONE of you is going to want to be topped by a LIVE penis - if you can't get it from your boyfriend/partner - you'll get it somewhere else. So, have that discussion upfront - OR, agree to both LEARN to top and enjoy sharing the "TOP" role. (NOTE: The same applies to couples where both are TOPS.)

Bottom line (PUN INTENDED), it's important to have that honest conversation about sex, positions and expectations!

[Bowyn Aerrow]

I state it the way it is.

Of course I start off with, "While I'm not looking for just sex here, I am curious, are you a top or a bottom? Are you into moderate BDSM?"

It is not the first thing out of my mouth, but its put out there before the third date.

The general assumption with me is that I'm a total top because I am straight acting... So I have found guys asking me if I wouldn't mind being the bottom... So usually the other guy brings it up first.

As for dating on line, I have it in my profile, '80% bottom, 20% top willing to take one for the team to be 100% bottom...' A little humor goes a long way to make it less embarrassing for all.

[artyboy]

My problem is I'm a bottom as I'm disabled, not saying I don't want to top, but its going to be very hard for me to do in the first place.

Its my body not my penis btw, as people keep asking if everything works down there.

[LateBloomer]

My problem is I'm a bottom as I'm disabled, not saying I don't want to top, but its going to be very hard for me to do in the first place.

Its my body not my penis btw, as people keep asking if everything works down there.

Without knowing exactly how you're physically challenged I'd just underline my point that this is a subject that will need to be discussed as you date someone. As Boweyn said, probably not on the first date, but eventually, as you grow closer--and more intimate with someone.

And by the way, there are A LOT of ways to be physically and sexually intimate with someone without actual penetration. It just takes some imagination and creativity. There are plenty of busy (and tired) couples who share intimacy without full blown sex.

Keep posting and searching, I know there are other members here in a similar situation.

[artyboy]

Without knowing exactly how you're physically challenged I'd just underline my point that this is a subject that will need to be discussed as you date someone. As Boweyn said, probably not on the first date, but eventually, as you grow closer--and more intimate with someone.

And by the way, there are A LOT of ways to be physically and sexually intimate with someone without actual penetration. It just takes some imagination and creativity. There are plenty of busy (and tired) couples who share intimacy without full blown sex.

Keep posting and searching, I know there are other members here in a similar situation.

My body is just very weak I cant hold my own wright or anyone else s for that matter.