Hi,
I'm sincerely hoping for a little help and/or guidance. Maybe begging or pleading is a better way to say it.
I have two beautiful boys that I love dearly. I'm writing about my oldest who is almost 12, Caleb. Caleb has always been a little different. Smart, funny, outgoing, a great kid. But although I just think of him as a kid he has always told me he feels different. Lately he seems more depressed and angry. There was some bullying or what he perceives as bullying, although I'm not sure that's their intention. He says some of his friends at school have called him gay. At first I kind of blew it off. What kid doesn't say "that's so gay" or "dude you're gay" but he seemed to take it more seriously. Then he told me kids called him "fag boy" which really upset him. It dawned on me that he seems to want to be this tough macho kid, that says he can't stand gay people because he is gay. In hindsight all the signs were there. It's something we've argued about this past year. I'm constantly saying, "Caleb gay people are born gay like people are born with blue eyes or brown!" That it's not a choice. That its totally ok to be gay. Last summer he kept asking me "how do I know if I'm gay?" I kept saying you'll know when you know. It doesn't really matter. If that's who you are we, your mom and dad, won't love you any less or love you differently. All we want is for you to be happy, love yourself, and one day have a loving partner male or female it does not matter. We live in Albuquerque which is a 'machismo' city. Full of racism, and bigotry. I can only guess what he's already heard at school about "fags". We're trying to sell the house so we can move to a more progressive city where there isn't so much bigotry. We're also considering home schooling until that time comes do he doesn't end up in middle school being more bullied and shamed. I don't know what else to do. I don't know how I can help him learn to accept and love himself no matter what. I know even with the most accepting parents it's hard. Truly his father and I don't care. We just want him happy, and want him to feel comfortable in his own skin no matter what. No more no less. But what can I do? How can I help him find acceptance if this is his path. It's one thing to struggle with accepting who you are, then accepting you might be different than your friends, but it's another to hate that person you think you are and that's what's killing me!! I just wish he could see what a wise, smart, loving, beautiful kid he is and being gay won't change any of those things, not one bit. It's just another part of Caleb we love. I'd love to hear how anyone else fought it, tried to change it or deny it, and what helped you come to acceptance. How you got there, and how I can get my son there if need be.
Thank you so much for listening to me and for any bit of advice you could share with me. I'd really appreciate it!
Sarah
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I think you guys are great parents and doing all that you can so there is not much more to be said. Children almost raise them selves except for the love and support that you are already giving your children
your son is only 12! Being gay is being more successful to carry on a relationship with the same sex. At the age of 12 he has yet to experience any type of relationship. Has little nothing to do with the sex, what porn he watches. Has nothing to with his attitude on sports or his ability to work on cars. Sexuality is some what fluid and one day he might him self be able to tell you more.
gay is a label. Your son has a name.
"It dawned on me that he seems to want to be this tough macho kid, that says he can't stand gay people because he is gay"
most homophobic emotions have ties to being unable to deal with being gay themselves. I think this will pass. Self homophobic.
"There was some bullying or what he perceives as bullying, although I'm not sure that's their intention"
the books on this have been re written. Its not a child's place to accept verbal or physical abuse from his peers. Just like you at your work place.
"We live in Albuquerque which is a 'machismo' city. Full of racism, and bigotry. I can only guess what he's already heard at school about "fags". We're trying to sell the house so we can move to a more progressive city where there isn't so much bigotry"
good luck in finding the ideal neighborhood in any city tho it is possible. In the mean time maybe you can move him to a more affirming school in Albuquerque; near the university or in the Cedar Park or Placetas (sp?) area of Albuquerque. This would be extra effort to drive him to his school but better more exposure than home schooling.
the glbt center in Albuquerque is a functional resource, pack the family and visit. quite possible the know of better schools
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Hang in there, Sarah. It sounds like you and your husband are doing a fantastic job as parents.
I hope you find a more accepting community to move to. In the meantime I agree with Pellaz: look for local resources like a glbt center in Albuquerque. Homeschooling may be a good option, but Caleb is at an intensely social age. Keep the conversation open with him without pressure. Whatever he is going through will ideally happen at his pace, with you there for support.
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Sarah let me just say you are a very amazing mother. Caleb is extremely lucky to have a mom who loves him no matter who he is. When I was young, I always new that I was different and liked guys. I suppressed it because I was picked on by this kid in middle school who told the whole school I was gay because I upset him. When I saw how kids used the term "gay" in a negative context, I just suppressed my sexuality for the longest time and lied about who I really was. I didn't come out to my family till I was 21 and they have been extremely supportive. I told my friends a couple of months later, and they to have been extremely supportive as well. Support is the biggest thing to give Caleb. The closet can be a dark and lonely place to be in, but you have given Caleb a place where he can be himself. The road to acceptance is tough but if you have someone to take the journey with, it makes things a whole lot better.
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I Wish my folks would have talked to me that way. My youth was very similar. I was a macho guy, built up my muscles, fixed cars and so on. It didn't change my sexuality. It's hard because i was just a tad older than Caleb when I started feeling that way. But I had nobody to talk to. Your boy has parents that love him, he will be just fine.
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As a kid I've been through what it seems like Caleb is going through, I was often in the same situations, called fag or gay and often bullied at a young age for it, I came around on my own (I used to be very homophobic and didn't have the parents to help me through it.) I'm happy Caleb is lucky to have good parents such as yourself  ^^ I'm sure everything will turn out fine.
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I agree with everyone else. You guys are some of the most awesome parents I've ever heard of and I think you are both doing everything right. Keep it up! Your son is that awkward "age" where he's beginning to figure out who he really is and where the opinion of his peers is one of if not the most important things right now. All you can do is support him and assure him that you love him no matter what.
I remember being at that age and starting to have an attraction to some of the guys I hung around with. It was one of the scariest feelings of my life! Especially having grown up around all the homophobic stereotypes. And I felt like there was no one I could talk to about it. Not even my parents, who were always loving and supportive. So I "openly" denied my attraction to guys to the point of making fun of anyone who acted the slightest bit gay. All the while I was inwardly struggling with the feelings I had.
I tried praying that it would go away, making bargains with God to make it go away, and finally getting married and having kids. And the whole time I was absolutely miserable with myself. So last year, I finally had enough of beating myself up over it. That's when I found this website and started talking to some of the people here about everything. They helped me to see that ultimately I was the only one who could say whether or not I was gay or not. So after some intense "soul searching" I finally decided to stop living the lie. Of course, a lot of feelings got hurt all around, but after all was said and done, I was finally happy with the person I was, not the person everyone wanted me to be.
So again, just keep doing what you're doing for Caleb. Love him, especially when he doesn't seem to live himself. Check out the local LGBT center for resources for families. And in the end, accept him for who he is, which I know you already do. Wishing you and your family, especially Caleb, all the best.
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Oh my gosh!!! I'm an absolute blubbering mess right now! Thank you all for taking your time to give me such honest and open feedback. Thank you all, Pellaz, Geminize, Born This Way, Hank, Armandork, Archubbycub, and Krupt for your overwhelmingly kind words and support. You have no idea how much I truly appreciate it!
Pellaz you said:
gay is a label. Your son has a name.
I couldn't agree more and try to keep that in the forefront of my mind. His name is Caleb and he's an awesome kid. But what is a non-issue to me seems overwhelmingly defining to him at the moment. I think in his mind it's something that equals bad, or defect. When that is absolutely not true, couldn't be further from the truth. I wouldn't care if he was gay, straight, purple, had three eyes, or whatever. It's just one more piece of Caleb to love. What I didn't mention and probably should have is, my mother, god help her, is a right winged nut job. I've heard my entire life that gay people are going to hell. My father who was a minister was very liberal and his last church was a gay friendly open congregation. I happen to believe that god does not make mistakes and all are created with intention and that it's not a sin it's in your nature. Nothing more nothing less. I also believe there is a genetic component and I know in our family there are quite a few gay and lesbian people. But I think she has said some of these things to Caleb. Actually I know she has and I stopped speaking or seeing her for about 2 years because of it. I will not allow her to damage him with such beliefs. When I found out I was livid. She doesn't do it anymore, but my fear is that the seed was probably planted.
you also said:
Being gay is being more successful to carry on a relationship with the same sex. At the age of 12 he has yet to experience any type of relationship. Has little nothing to do with the sex, what porn he watches. Has nothing to with his attitude on sports or his ability to work on cars. Sexuality is some what fluid and one day he might him self be able to tell you more.
Again I completely agree. I actually read that you had told another parent that on another post and really liked it. I think sexuality is more fluid than linear and often more shades of grey than black or white. He may not be, it doesn't matter to me at all. What matters are his opinions of himself, his self worth, and that if this is what he is struggling with right now, that I do all I can as a parent to let him know that it's ok. He's totally normal no matter what. What matters is that he is able to form healthy bonds with people, healthy friendships, and later in life healthy partners whether they are male or female. That being said...about the porn. He doesn't watch it!! My 7 year old for crying out loud has figured out how to google women in lingerie! But Caleb shuns it because I think of his grapple and internal struggle. His friends talk about "hot girls" Gross they're 12 I know, and Caleb gets quiet and uncomfortable and doesn't say much. We're the home where all the kids come over all the flipping time to eat, and eat some more, and then tear the place up, and then eat some more. So I hear these things.
Have you been to Albuquerque? You named two areas that are more liberal in this city. But it's still Albuquerque and at this point I just want to get the hell out of here. I don't think there's anywhere in this city that's accepting enough. There is a large gay community and it seems comprised of either transplants, or older people obviously. At his age there's more of this machismo BS. I'm not from here, I've never loved it here, and at this point it's time to go especially since I don't think it's the healthiest most supportive community for Caleb. Like I mentioned before I'm in healthcare and have been involved in LBGT outreach programs and have great access to some loving supportive people in the community, but I also wanted to build a stronger network outside of here. Get insights from others. Sometimes when you're too close to a situation you can be biased.
Geminize you said:
Homeschooling may be a good option, but Caleb is at an intensely social age.
I agree and so I don't know what to do. This is one area his dad and I don't see eye to eye. My husband wants to protect him and home school him, but I do think these are formative years where social interaction and friendships are huge. We've asked Caleb what he wants and he says homeschool some days and school school others. I think he's torn as well. There was a 16 or 17 year old kid last week who was gay bullied in the schools here. I don't know the entire story but I guess it continued into the summer and he left a note saying, "the kids at school are right I'm a fag." and killed himself. I will not, am not going to be the next mother that has to suffer that. I won't let him be exposed to that if he goes back to school and is being bullied like that. I can't imagine. It's just awful.
Born This Way you said:
I didn't come out to my family till I was 21 and they have been extremely supportive.
Is there anything your parents could have done, or anyone could have done to help you become more accepting of yourself earlier? Is there anyway anyone could have gotten you to love yourself, and have strength and confidence in yourself before 21? Would anything have helped or changed that for you? I'm really glad that you came out and your family and friends were so supportive. That's the most important thing. But would anything have helped to allow you to see it sooner?
Hank you said:
Your boy has parents that love him, he will be just fine.
Thank you. Maybe I am giving myself way too much power. Maybe I think I am going to be able to help change his feelings and get him to see he's great no matter what, when really it's just a freaking process and I need to just get out of the way. Your journey was different and it really upsets me to hear that you didn't have anyone to talk to. But you turned out ok in the end. Proof of the human spirit and resilience.
Armandork you said:
I was often in the same situations, called fag or gay and often bullied at a young age for it, I came around on my own
May I ask when you came out? I guess I'd ask the same thing, is there anything that could have been done differently. Is there anything that would have kept you from being homophobic and hating what you were? Once again though, I am in awe that even without support you came out just fine. That you were able to have enough self respect, or openness to allow you to be you and be ok with it. That is truly a fighter and survivor and an awesome message.
Archubbycub you said:
I was finally happy with the person I was, not the person everyone wanted me to be.
I could've highlighted your entire post really. It was really touching. It sounds like you really fought it. I am really happy that you had a place to go (here!) to be safe and to talk to people. From my limited experience here it's been nothing short of amazing, loving, kind, and accepting. So, I am so glad there were people with open arms, and open lap tops, to serve as mentors to you. You mentioned your parents were always supportive. Did you not want to talk to them? Did they never suspect? I'm going to ask you the same question, is there anything that could have helped you come to a place of self acceptance earlier. I am really glad you have arrived. I can't imagine living a life you don't feel safe. That you don't feel you and it's heartbreaking to me. It really serves as a great reminder that although Caleb struggles now, now is not forever. I of course want to fast forward the bad stuff, but maybe again I just need to sit back and allow the process.
Krupt! LOL! Your post made me laugh! Especially about the volatile creature living amongst us! That's the truth! You also said:
his father could have this conversation with him as well, in fact there are some circumstances where a boy having these discussions with his father really helps and having Dad reaffirm that being gay is OK, just be comfortable in your own skin.
His dad has talked to him about it. He says the same thing. He'll know when he knows and it doesn't matter either way. That he is not a moral defect, that we're not all the same. Some of us like chocolate, some don't. Some have blue eyes, some have brown. If we all wanted or liked the same thing it would be terrible as there wouldn't be enough of that one thing for everyone. That no matter who Caleb loves is unimportant the important thing is that person loves him back just as much.
what is your intuition on Caleb's sexuality?
To be honest until recently I hadn't given it much thought because it really is such a non-issue. As long as he's happy, loves himself, does his homework, doesn't lie, isn't mean, takes a freaking shower, and cuts his nails, I don't really think about it. I guess in the back of my head I've always sort of known he was probably gay. Even as a very young child (he was incredibly verbal) so around 3 or 4 years old he would say there was a mistake. He was different. He was born the wrong sex, he was supposed to be a girl. I don't really see a transgender issue with him. What I think he knew even then is he had an attraction to boys.
Moving him to a new environment will only work if that environment is one that is so far removed from the environment he is now in and he can find his place amongst his peers.
Believe me my intention is to move very, very far from here. I spent 6 months in Oz when I was 20/21. LOVED it. It would be my first choice of places to move too right now. I think that's fairly far removed. Of course I'd have to live in a more progressive city like Sydney which is expensive but I'd absolutely love to. He'd probably have to endure a slightly different type of bullying at that point for at least a little while. I'd have to explain what a yank tank is exactly, but at least, I hope the other stuff wouldn't be so prevalent.
Again I cannot thank you all enough for your kind words of encouragement and reassurance. I don't think I'm an exceptional parent. I'm just trying to do the best I can. I do think parents that don't subscribe to the same views of homosexuality as my husband and me are the ones that are unexceptional parents. They are truly a disservice and it's sad because they miss out on an awesome relationship with the most important people in their lives. I'm just a mom who loves her kids no more no less. I just want them to be able to love themselves whoever that person is. Like I said as long as they're kind to others, don't lie, cheat, steal, and manage to brush their teeth and maybe shower once in a blue moon I'm happy. There is a saying that a mother is only as happy as her unhappiest child. In my case this is very true. I want Caleb to be able to love himself. If he doesn't how can he ever find a partner that can truly love him and be brought into his life? You have to love yourself first before you can truly be loved I think. So, the sooner I can get that kid on that road the better.
Thank you so much again!!!
Sarah
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Scaredmom:
Glad I could help. I've always said that if I can take what I've been through and help at least one person overcome a similar situation then all the pain and torment was worth it. And in answer to your question, my parents were loving and supportive, but at the same time my dad was a very racist and homophobic person. I loved him, and still do (he passed away a couple of months ago) but he would make comments and jokes about gay people that were not very kind. So I had that to deal with. And then my mom was and still is an ultra-conservative Christian who "drug" my sister and I to church (Southern Baptist) all the time where we had it crammed down out throats that being gay was a sin and anyone who is gay will burn in hell. So even though I knew they loved me, I was afraid that if I came out I would be kicked out of the house. And since my friends parents were either friends with my parents or of the same mentality, and I grew up in a small town, I'd be left on my own.
As far as my parents suspecting, I think my dad had suspicions when I was younger. In fact, I remember a co-worker of his telling me (once I was older of course) that my dad had mentioned something to him about thinking I might be gay. Of course, at the time, I was still very deep in the closet, so I denied it to the hilt.
Fortunately, my dad and I came to terms with one another about my sexuality before he passed away. I'm not sure he was 100% happy about it, but at least he had gotten to the point where he could accept me for who I am and I think he was happy that I was happy. He even met my boyfriend one time and they got along very well during their time together. Of course, I didn't introduce him to my dad as my boyfriend, but of course my dad knew. I did admit it to him before he passed away to, so the air was completely cleared between us.
My mom on the other hand is still an issue. She is dead set, at best, that this is just a phase I'm going through and that she can "pray the gay away." At worst she thinks I've completely abandoned my faith in God and that I'm doomed to spend eternity in hell. She and I have spoken very little since my dad past away in May.
And don't even get me started on my sister or my ex-wife. That's enough to fill a whole other thread!
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Sarah, like everyone is saying, you're doing the best you can!
I'm wondering though : could it be the case that the reason you and your husband talking to him isn't helping is precisely because you're so accepting? The idea that my parents love me no matter what is 99% of the time a great thing, but once in awhile it makes us think that its blind love. "My parents say I'm beautiful/smart/great not because I really am but because I am their kid".
There is this great video, that shows how bigotry works. Have a look and if you like it maybe you can tell Caleb that you have been thinking about bullying and you wanted to show him this. I think its on the level where a 12 year old can benefit from it:
I don't have enough posts to make a link, but if you google
"Watch A Teacher Make Her 3rd-Grade Kids Hate Each Other For The Best Reason Imaginable" you'll see a link on upworthy.com for this. watch the video. Its amasing.
If you do think of homeschooling, remember his friends are still there and they will still have the influence on him they have now.
It could help to get him enrolled in something where he makes friends who like him not because of who he is (this sounds awkward, but please hear me out) but because of what they "do" together.
In my case judo was a lifesaver. I was good at it, had great friends, and about the time the girls were getting breasts I was realising I was gay. When I came out to my friends they didn't care. The most homophobic comment i received ever was "if you get a woody get off the mat" and that was less hurtful the the stuff we put the players through whose girlfriends/boyfriends were doing judo as well/were down visiting.
"you gonna look at her and wrestle me? Really? I'm not a blowupdoll you know." etc 
There are different ways to create a community for him. If you go to the LGBT center, there may be parents there or families with kids the same age. You might want to organise some form of social activity there?
You haven't mentioned how his friends parents are? Do you think you can get a sympathetic ear from them? If so, it could help discussing it with them so that their children are a bit more open minded about it?
He needs to realise, in subtle ways that gay does not equal "femme". In his situation its going to be easier to accept things if he can look up to some male figure that he thinks fits the model of how a guy should be, yet that happens to be the case that this person is gay, that will help loads.
And lastly. Teh Internetz.
This might be odd but, see if there's a (secret) facebook group where he can join other kids whop are being bullied as "gay". Some of these kids will be, some will not be gay but it could be a good community for him. If there isn't a group like that, create one!
You could bring him to a site similar to this (not sure now if we have an age limit) and that could help, create a friendly place. There are several members who are 16-19 and those could act as people he can relate to.
Just some thoughts, hope you can take something out of it that helps!
Keep us posted, will you?
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Gay son?
