Gay son?

[oneofcuriousity]

Wow ur a great parent. It sounds like ur doing everything right.
I agree with krupt that at his age ur peers have a big effect, I have liked guys since I was 9. But I didn't want to be gay, because my friends made jokes about people who are gay and I didn't want to be in there line of fire.
But that is mainly that age. I meet new friends when I was 16 and left my old friends. They were supportive of the gay community. And that let me come to terms about who I am. So basically I'm trying to say kids at his age think being gay is used in name calling to hurt someone feelings and I see it with my younger cousins. Just keep doing what ur doing, ur doing it right he'll find friends that will be supportive of who he is. Maybe not now but when he's a little bit older he might meet people who have grown up and are okay with him being gay.
Hope this is helpful to u and not a pointless rant.

[Bowyn Aerrow]

Finding acceptance of self is solely on ones self.

He wants to be tough and macho, then he can be - no one is stopping him from lifting weights, playing sports, doing extreme games like cliff diving or whatever suicidal things 'tough guys' do.

I think the problem that most kids have when they come face to face with their homosexuality is that they have this idea that to be gay means one has to be 'sensitive' swish, lisp, etc. These stereotypes only apply to about 20% of the homosexuals, the rest are pretty butch.

Link him to this: http://www.policymic.com/articles/21621/...ay-in-2012

There are ten very gay but not 'gay acting' in the stereotypical ways individuals.

More gay sports figures here: http://www.buzzfeed.com/mrloganrhoades/t...raight-man

Gays come in all sorts of packages and professions. There are gay lawyers, gay doctors, gay firemen, gay police officers - and very few of them swish, lisp, or have effeminate traits. You name the career and you shake it hard enough a gay is bound to fall out.

Unfortunately school kids have these pretty immature thoughts about what homosexuality means. Most of them relay the old hatreds of their parents, or pick up on gay jokes that always paint gays as being 'fairies' and not very butch/masculine.

As for bullies - this is nothing new. He will be bullied for being gay, or being too short or too tall or too thin or too heavy or for having hair that is too straight or too curly... Haters are going to hate and bullies will find any reason to pick on a kid - especially a kid who reacts to the bullying in a manner than makes the bully feel proud of him/herself for being the 'top dog'.

Caleb is going to have to become comfortable in Caleb's skin. You can't do that for him, I can't do that for him. Eventually he will have to decide to accept those things he cannot change and change what he can.

IDK - perhaps enrolling him in self defense type classes will boost his morale, making him feel more in charge of life instead of being a victim. Of course this depends on his nature - I don't want to arm a kid who will turn around and become a bully once he discovers he is more powerful than the rest of the kids. But I do want him to be able to stand upright knowing that with a few correct moves he can defend himself from the attack of another kid.

Self defense classes like karate and Jujitsu tend to come with philosophies that teach one honor and self control. I would strongly suggest shopping around and talk to parents and students of classes to find out how much philosophy is taught with the physical aspect of self defense. I fear some of the classes fall short on teaching self restraint.

Caleb is of the age when all kids are tortured souls. Puberty is the worst... Peers and a growing body are not a great combination.

[TKC]

Sarah,

Clearly I don't know you, but you and your husband have a soft spot in my heart. I remember when I realized I was gay...or at least my first idea about it. In second grade, I realized that instead of wanting to throw rocks at the little girls on the playground, I wanted to throw them at the little boys. I didn't have much personal context to put around it, but was educated enough to understand the typical responses of children to the gender of their eventual preference at the time, and understood it to mean that I would like boys one day. Not too long after that, my step-dad told a gay joke to a friend of his, and I took it to mean that it wasn't ok to be gay. So, I tried to hide it. I spent years simply denying it, and when that didn't work I took to drugs. By 11 I had smoked pot for the first time, by 16 I'd shot up heroin. The years from 13 - 18 were all drug induced, because I was trying to run away. Then, one day, I realized that if I kept on this path I was going to kill myself, and that I'd rather risk losing my family than losing my life. I came out (and, consequently, never had a bad coming out story and am close with my family to this day), and have proceeded to an above average life that I love dearly.

That said, back to Caleb. You two are rockstars! And, it sounds like you're doing most everything in your power to allow him to learn that it's ok for him to be exactly who he is - instead of some perverse expectation of what it is to be born male. The only things I would maybe recommend doing, if you haven't already, is increasing his intake in entertainment media with gay characters in them - preferably with fewer stereotypical gays, but if that's all you have access to it doesn't hurt. Watch a few episodes of Modern Family, watch some gay movies (Brokeback not included, the ending can do more harm than good at this stage), if he has a love for reading, maybe introduce him to gay authors (David Sedaris is hilarious - and pretty open - but depending on what you allow your son to take it, you might have to pick and choose what stories you find acceptable for him to read). Anything that will let him see that we, as an adult society, are accepting the gay community more and more as part of the normal everyday life that they (read: we) are. Maybe it will help him draw his own positive conclusions.

The other thing is to check out your local gay and lesbian youth group. (I'm too new to the forum to post the link I found, but a quick google for "Albuquerque Gay Youth Group turned one up). I don't know if they have age restrictions, but it doesn't hurt to touch base and find out.

And, while those things may help, the biggest help to him is that you and your husband love him the way that you do. Caleb is a very lucky kid - gay, straight, whatever - and should be very proud of you two.

Best of luck,

T.

[Will101]

OMG! You are the best.mom.ever.

[VileKyle]

I must have missed this thread, but it was just linked in another topic. I live in Albuquerque too. You say it's a very macho city? Sure, a lot of it might be, but there's parts of Abq that are very open to different sexualities. The Nob Hill area and downtown come to mind. I didn't go to school here though, so I can't relate to your experiences with the local schools. I hear they can be very rough though.

My advice? Since you are looking to move, you might check out nearby Santa Fe. It's definitely much less bigoted than things are here in Abq. The only problem is the cost of living, which is a bit higher there for the most part. I don't know your level of income, but it might be worth it.

[Counselor]

Do not, under any circumstances, close your lines of communication with your son. My mother described my mood as shifting around that age, and I closed myself off. Your description of how comfortable your son is with talking to you is a good sign, and making yourself available to him to talk about these things is also important.

The negativity he is perceiving is quite overwhelming for someone in a minority, but showing him that you have nothing but love and support can show him that he isn't all that different from anyone else.